Love letter from his ex on the wall

LegacyUser

Me and my bf have been going out around 9 months. All great for the most part - I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone before, and on the whole, I think he feels pretty much the same about me.


A few months ago (after he had moved back home to save for a mortgage) I noticed an old love letter from an ex on his corkboard (they went out about five years ago). When I read it I felt quite uncomfortable, it was very lovey, but also a bit explicit (talk about her bending over for him). I don't know if I was right in feeling so uncomfortable about this, but I was. Every time I saw the letter (which you can't really miss, it's by his door) I thought about it.

About two months ago I finally asked, very respectfully, if it wasn't a bother, could he take it down because it made me uncomfortable. He was very apologetic, said he didn't even realise it was there, and yes, he would.

About three weeks after that, it was still there. When we were both a bit drunk (worst time I know!) I reminded him, and he got defensive, saying he forgot, and either way, he can keep it there if he wants because its his. I reiterated me feelings on it, and that was that. It wasn't taken down. Maybe he forgot again.

Yesterday, however, I noticed that a card I recently gave him was up on the cork board too, next to the letter. So he obviously knows it's there. On top of this, there was another old note from her, one that previously wasn't, or perhaps was hidden below other things, and it was propped up by my card. While it wasn't in any way as intimate as the other one, this still took me aback, and while I'm probably overthinking things, it seems like, at worst, some sort of dig at my original request, or at best, a completely ignorant act.


I don't know if I'm overreacting here? His initial statement that he would take it down has now turned into a second note being put up, and it really just feels like he doesn't care about how it makes me feel. I completely understand having keepsakes from past relationships, I do myself, but they are not on show. I would be mortified if he read an old love letter from an ex of mine, especially if one were to have slightly explicit details of me bending over for him.

How do I approach this? Should I let it go, even though I know it will eat away at me every time I see it, or should I approach it again? I don't want to be confrontational, but it has been brought up twice before.

Redser87

I would not feel comfortable in this situation either OP. Just to clarify: you mention he moved back home - is this in his parents' house? If so I would be quite bothered by the lack of respect shown to them... his mother hardly wants to see details such as you've mentioned...

That aside though, this is bothering you and he knows that. I can see his point of view- it's his corkboard and the letter is addressed to him, so it's up to him what he does with it. (I don't think this way of thinking is respectful to his ex but it may be how he feels) He may have perceived what you were saying as an attack on him or jealousy against the ex. Could be have been trying to make it up to you by putting up your card?

If it is the case that he's only at home for a short while so that he can save up, could you grit your teeth and put up with it until he's out - he may see his old room as a place for memories. If it's longer term though, I think it will be very hard for you to just let it go. Could you have an honest conversation and really listen to what he has to say - about the good times with the ex, positive memories etc? And then tell him how you feel without being confrontational or annoyed.

I do think though that having this on display, particularly if it's in any way public, is not only annoying for you, but disrespectful to the ex. While yes the letter was addressed to him, I'm sure she wrote it in good faith that it was for his eyes only. I would be careful about writing similar things to him until I knew what was going on in his head when he pinned it up and left it there.

bobsbookcase

loveletter wrote: »

I don't know if I was right in feeling so uncomfortable about this, but I was.

You were 100% right to feel like that.

loveletter wrote: »

I reminded him, and he got defensive, saying he forgot, and either way, he can keep it there if he wants because its his.

I really doubt he forgot. It should have been his priority number 1 to take it down. He can keep whatever he likes on his corkboard but if it involves a love letter from an ex girlfriend then thats definitely not on IMO.

loveletter wrote: »

How do I approach this? Should I let it go, even though I know it will eat away at me every time I see it, or should I approach it again?

I think you should definitely address this. IMO it's super, super weird and this could be the tip of the iceberg with this guy. It's better to find this stuff out sooner rather than later. Maybe calmly try and tease it out of him whether he still might have feelings for this ex girlfriend. Explain how it looks, why you feel uncomfortable and ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned and you had a sexual letter from one of your ex's hanging on your wall.

Best of luck with this. Hopefully he cops on and sees he's being an idiot.

LolaJJ

I think you have every right to be weirded out by this, it's completely inappropriate and honestly a bit odd.

His second reaction to you questioning it sounds a little gaslighty.

I would refuse to go in to his room as long as the ghost of girlfriends past still lingers. End of conversation.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the replies, especially because I don't feel like I'm wrong to feel like this now.

I know I need to bring this up, and try go about it in a way that isn't confrontational and that doesn't garner another response like his last one.

I guess at the end of the day I'm wondering why the memory of his ex on his board is more important than how I feel about it. And especially because as far as I know, he broke up with her.

I'm scared that he will see it as controlling, or me being overly jealous, even though I know it's not. It's the combination of the intimate details and his refusal to take it down after he said he would. I don't care if he looks at it in a drawer in his own time, I just don't want it looking at me.

facehugger99

At best, he's an idiot.

Middle option is that he's lacking in pretty basic standards of behaviour and respect towards you.

Worst case, he's a really strange weirdo who's still obsessed with his ex.

Hard to say which without further information.

loveletter wrote: »

I know I need to bring this up, and try go about it in a way that isn't confrontational and that doesn't garner another response like his last one.

Yeah, you seem to be very concerned about his feelings. I'd just tell him straight out to get rid of it from your sight.

MiliMe

When I first started coming to my OH's house he still had pictures of his ex wife and their dog up in the house which I felt very off about.
I mentioned it to him, his response was that they were pictures of the dog and he didn't even see her in them any more. I asked if he'd take them down as they made me feel uncomfortable and he did.
Not to generalize but I think sometimes guys just don't see these things.
Tho him not removing it from his wall when you asked and arguing with you about it would worry me. It shouldn't be an issue for him if he is over the previous relationship. Him keeping it is all well and good juat not somewhere that youu have to see it.
You need to speak calmly to him about it and make him see how much it upsets you. If he won't remove the letter it shows no respect for you and you should consider leaving the relationship.

LegacyUser

He shouldn't have it up for your sake, and he should really take it down, but I can sort of understand why it's there still.

You said it was pretty explicit, so I'm guessing that he see's it as a bit of an ego boost as opposed to anything else - he doesn't give a **** about her specifically.

It acts as a reminder to him that a woman wanted him in that way - and I'll go out on a limb and say that I don't think he's a player, and he didn't hear things like that too often, and so he uses it as a sort of validation for a more general self esteem issue.

Some of my friends (guys and girls) who are in long term, loving relationships will chat up people on nights out, with absolutely zero intention to kiss or even touch the woman, they just want that validation that they're still desired.

Redser87

You are certainly not coming across as controlling or jealous from your posts anyway and I would question his motivation if he accused you of that. Your last sentence shows you to be very reasonable and balanced. Hope you can resolve it without hassle. Good luck

CPTM

It's so weird, because as far as I can see, you aren't even asking him to throw it out, which is what most people would have done. It's strange that he hasn't even taken it down and just hidden it from you. I'm not saying that's the right thing for him to do, but at least he would have TRIED to look normal. But to leave it up there when you have clearly said that you don't like it is weird.

Normally I would suggest that maybe from his perspective there have been too many other demands to change things without his input, and this is something he is using to feel in control, or to remind you that his input should be respected. But you don't sound like that type, OP. I think you sound pretty balanced. So I think you should put your foot down.

Oink

No one keeps a letter from an ex on the wall that long.

No one keeps a letter from an ex in plain sight of his current girlfriend.

If that happens the only acceptable response is “I’m sorry, this was very disrespectful, and the letter is going in the bin straight away because I am committed to trying to make our relationship work”

No idea what is going on here, but it’s... weird.

Gonad

My current partner asked me several times about removing pictures of me with my ex from my Facebook . I said I would and completely forgot . She asked me a few times actually and I just never got around to it . Think they are still there in the annals of Facebook . No malice in it on my part and no feelings for my ex . Men can weird like that .

never_mind

Not a huge amount of advice here, OP, but jaysus thag is flipping weird. He didn’t forget, no way did he forget... I’d broach the topic again. He might not have feelings for her but he might just like the sentiment of the letter that bigs him up. Either way it needs to be binned for his head and for hours. Super weird.

MarkR

Don't ask why they are still up. Ask does he want to keep them up for some reason.

If there's no reason, they'll come down.

Also. Weird. Does he want you to read something from it?

Addle

Why would he have something like that up in his parents house? So odd.
Very disrespectful to you all.

mada82

I’ve had exes make me bin things from previous relationships that were found by accident on computers or in the attic. Photos and pictures.
I hadn’t binned them previous because I considered them my memories but I wasn’t ever going to look at them either.

I didn’t really like being told what to do with them but I understood where they were coming from and binned them to please my partner.

Would you have a problem if he kept them but packed them away to the attic?

Ursus Horribilis

She's not asking him to throw them out...

lemmno

OP it’s not normal and don’t let him convince you that you’re the unreasonable one.

wiggle16

I would err on the side that it's just sentimental, he has a right to his memories and his past. Most men don't see these things, honestly, so I wouldn't put a lot of stock in it. But having it on show when you've made your feelings clear isn't reasonable. He probably wouldn't be too chuffed if the situation was reversed.

He should take it down.

Always Tired

The view that 'men don't see these things' is way off IMO, in this case.

He very obviously does lads, he has a friggin corkboard dedicated to this stuff! Which I've never seen a bloke do.

To me, the fact he put your note up there along with another new one from the ex pretty much cements it in my mind that he gets a big ego boost from his little notice board/altar to all the wimmens that are just mad for him.

And he has no intention of taking it down for anyone, part of the point is for you to see that if you don't like it he has plenty of options.

I'd run a mile from this narcissistic weirdo, and take my note with me, rather than let it be another addition to his 'file', that he will then display to the next girl he dates. it's bizzare AF.

LegacyUser

He's keeping a sexually explicit love letter tacked up for all and sundry to see. That in and of itself is a bit sh*tty as I doubt very much the ex would have wanted anyone else to see it. These are her private thoughts to him, not reading material for friends, family, and new girlfriends. The fact that he got the hump and is refusing a perfectly reasonable request to take it down is also extremely bad form.

You asking him to take it down is not controlling or bad behaviour. I would think the vast majority of people would be very uncomfortable with something like that tacked up. And let's spare ourselves the "boys will be boys" nonsense. He's a grown man who has been told more than once that it makes you uncomfortable. It not a case of "men not seeing it", it's a case of this particular man being a bit of a di*k! And showing you how little your feelings mean to him.

wiggle16

Always Tired wrote: »

To me, the fact he put your note up there along with another new one from the ex pretty much cements it in my mind that he gets a big ego boost from his little notice board/altar to all the wimmens that are just mad for him....

I'd run a mile from this narcissistic weirdo, and take my note with me, rather than let it be another addition to his 'file', that he will then display to the next girl he dates. it's bizzare AF.

You're basing this on absolutely nothing. No one here has any idea why he actually has the letter on display: it could be sentiment, he could think it's funny. Coming to the conclusion that it's some sort of altar to his conquests (all two of them...) is very much 2 + 2 = 5.

It's far more likely that he thinks by putting OP's card up alongside the letter it somehow makes it okay for him to leave the letter up and he thinks it's some sort of ridiculous compromise. It's not acceptable and he should take it down.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for the replies again!

Just to reiterate - I don't expect or want him to throw anything out, I just don't want to see them.

Also, as most people have guessed, I'm not controlling in other aspects of the relationship. If anything, I'm a complete pushover. I don't tell him what he can and cannot do, and I will only call him on something if there is a good reason.

I don't think he means this in a malicious way, and I don't think it's some sort of shrine; I think most likely is that he's generally bad at understanding other people's points of view and why they might feel bad about things. I know this isn't an excuse though - he knows how I feel, as I've said it twice, and whether he can understand that or not, he knows.


I think, as someone said, the best thing maybe is to ask him something like "what are your reasons for keeping that letter up?", and then ask why those reasons somehow eliminate the importance of my feelings. I'll tell him I'm not comfortable going to his room, firstly, because of the letter, but secondly, because the letter just reminds me of his lack of respect for my feelings. If he still refuses to take it down, then I guess we will be having a much more serious conversation which will somehow boil down to me or the letter.

beauf

Heck No! wrote: »

.... It not a case of "men not seeing it", it's a case of this particular man being a bit of a di*k! And showing you how little your feelings mean to him.

Exactly.

The why isn't important.

There is zero chance of a normal relationship with this guy. You should just cut all contact with this guy. Its over. Even if he removes it now it's too late.

CPTM

beauf wrote: »

There is zero chance of a normal relationship with this guy. You should just cut all contact with this guy. Its over. Even if he removes it now it's too late.

I wouldn't go that far without knowing the other elements of the relationship. OP, we can give our thoughts on the letter but you would a lot more qualified than us in terms of knowing whether it's a valuable relationship going forward, all things considered.

messy tessy

Always Tired wrote: »

I'd run a mile from this narcissistic weirdo, and take my note with me, rather than let it be another addition to his 'file', that he will then display to the next girl he dates. it's bizzare AF.

Couldn't have said this any better.

He hasn't forgotten to take it down, and has put up another note from an ex since?! This is just so disrespectful. Does he care about your feelings at all?

PawneeRanger

loveletter wrote: »

I think most likely is that he's generally bad at understanding other people's points of view and why they might feel bad about things. I know this isn't an excuse though - he knows how I feel, as I've said it twice, and whether he can understand that or not, he knows.

OP, that bolded bit would worry me a lot tbh and I would definitely have reservations about being in a relationship with someone that not only has issues seeing where others are coming from but, when it's pointed out to him, refuses to respect the other viewpoint.

You've told him twice. Instead of actually respecting your wishes like he originally said he would he appears to have doubled down despite knowing how uncomfortable it makes you. You haven't asked him to destroy it, you've asked him to put it away, which is exactly where things like that should be.

As others have said, I don't buy this "men don't see it that way" bull.
Keeping that letter on his wall is disrespectful to you and to the woman that wrote it. If you were to break up would you be happy with a very personal letter you wrote to him being on display for his future partners?

LegacyUser

I don't want to break up over this. This is, after all, just one aspect of our relationship, and while it has opened up wider issues (regarding respect), I feel that we have generally been great for each other.

I know there are issues with him not quite being able to understand others' points of view also, and I need to talk to him about that too. There have been things in the past that I have called him out on (not loads, just one or two things) and he has got the message and discontinued that behaviour. So, it's not like he isn't willing to change things, but there's obviously something different with this damn letter.

If he's not willing to take down the letter, or if he's not willing to be more understanding of other people's feelings, then I will go from there, and know that I should end it, but I want to try fix it first.

.......

Lots of red flags here tbh.

He has taken someones private words and made them public.

He is displaying those private words in an entirely inappropriate way.

When told that those private words are making you uncomfortable, he has not only ignored your feelings, but has compounded the them by displaying another item from the ex.

There is no "he doesnt get it/men dont see it" going on here. He doesnt have to get or see anything - he has been expressly told its an issue.

As suggested by a previous poster, Id refuse to go into the room with the ghost of girlfriend past on display.

Its also an interesting look into his attitude to privacy and respect for ex girlfriends.

If you broke up with him would you be happy for your private thoughts to be made public?

Why is the letter on display? For his ego? I cant think why someone is displaying old explicit love letters except for an ego boost?

Neyite

It's massively disrespectful to the previous girlfriend, considering it's quite explicit and chances are it was something she intended for him only and NOT some girlfriend of the future to see.



Just think about whether you want to be with someone who's that blasé about an ex partner's privacy.

zapper55

Even for him to put that letter on a wall in public viewing when he was with the ex is bloody weird. Never mind not take it down when asked and then get defensive about it.

Does he always get defensive when you raise things? It's a handy way of avoiding hard conversations but a really crap trait for a partner.

LegacyUser

He doesn't really get defensive about things if I call him out. He will usually listen to me, tell me things from his perspective, and apologise if he is in the wrong. We were both a bit drunk when this letter business came up the second time and he got defensive. He usually doesn't.


Like generally, he's a lovely guy, and he has treated me really well besides this, and has made a big effort to make me feel welcome with his family and his friends. I'm just hoping that there was some misunderstanding here (unlikely) or that he will realise that he is in the wrong, apologise, and take it down. I'll see him in a few days, and then I will know where I stand.

facehugger99

I would definitely not be sending him any naked pics OP.

wiggle16

loveletter wrote: »

So he obviously knows it's there. On top of this, there was another old note from her, one that previously wasn't, or perhaps was hidden below other things, and it was propped up by my card.

Just after realising now that I misread your OP and did not realise you mean he had put a second note up that isn't from you. I thought you meant the explicit love letter was now propped up by your card and so he'd moved it around rather than taking it down.

If the notes are still there on your next visit, do what Oink said, and ask if there is a reason he has them on show. Be calm but direct about it, and explain how they make you feel. Unless she's dead or something I can't honestly think of an answer that justifies keeping them on display after you've asked three times for them to be taken down.

Again, I agree with you that I don't think this is some sort of shrine to an ex or counting notches in his belt. I suspect he thinks putting your card up alongside them is a solution or a compromise, which of course it isn't because it misses the point entirely - and I think it marries up with your assertion that he is brutal at understanding other people's perspectives and feelings. But it's not okay for him to ignore how you feel and the notes need to come down, end of.

The above assumes the note was just hidden from view til the card went up. I'd have some serious and obvious reservations about a second note appearing if it wasn't there before. If he went and fished out another note to put on the board after you asked for the letter to be taken down, then that's sinister. That doesn't sound likely, considering everything else you've said about him, but you'll have to make the call on that.

Ursus Horribilis

What age is this guy? I'd be asking questions about his mindset if he doesn't see an issue with having private letters stuck on his noticeboard. I feel sorry for his ex - how disrespectful of him to pin her notes on his wall where they can be read by all and sundry. I don't know which is worse: him leaving them up there, not caring if his parents and others read them. Or him not seeing them for what they are: something private his ex gave to him for his eyes only.

Even if we rule out the notches on a bedpost angle, it still leaves big question marks about the way his mind works. You said you've had to call him out occasionally. If he's not very good at seeing the bigger picture and lacks cop-on, you're going to run into this problem again and again. I'm sure you'll continue the relationship anyway but this is something to watch out for.

You are not being unreasonable in asking for the notes to be taken down. It's disrespectful towards his ex and it's not showing you much respect either. Definitely, you should find out why they're there and how he thinks his ex would feel if she knew they were there. And I second the advice given by facehugger99. Don't send him nude pics - god only knows where they'll end up

leggo

I think there are some overreactions here and am going to play devil's advocate. For balance, I recently moved home and, in doing a clearout, realised I had a stack of birthday cards, pics and stuff on my locker, including stuff from exes, that I just hadn't even noticed or given a second thought to once I'd put them there (if I was cleaning I'd just move the stack as a whole then put it back for example). It was only when moving and having to sift through all my stuff deciding what to keep that I actually gave them a conscious look and instantly binned some stuff then stuck some others in a shoebox to probably never get looked at again. I think I kept one card from an ex because it was really sweet and reminded me of a happy time. For perspective, I've zero feelings for this girl now, if anything I think she's a bit of a dope and I'd hate to even run into her on the street. But the card and the good feelings it made me feel at the time was nice.

Point is: there are a million reasons why that could be there and the most likely scenario is it's none of the overreactions people are coming up with (the 'disrespectful to his mother/ex' is my fave, nobody genuinely cares about that). It's probably just there because it's there. He could just be getting stubborn now in not taking it down, not wanting to give you that power of veto for his stuff, that'd probably be where I'd fall if someone I was dating a relatively short time started telling me what to do with my room.

.......

leggo wrote: »

For balance, I recently moved home and, in doing a clearout, realised I had a stack of birthday cards, pics and stuff on my locker, including stuff from exes, that I just hadn't even noticed or given a second thought to once I'd put them there (if I was cleaning I'd just move the stack as a whole then put it back for example). It was only when moving and having to sift through all my stuff deciding what to keep that I actually gave them a conscious look and instantly binned some stuff then stuck some others in a shoebox to probably never get looked at again.

But thats a totally different scenario.

(1) You hadnt made the deliberate effort to "display" these cards/pics etc... The OP has referenced a cork board, so he had to actually put the effort into displaying these items. Leaving stuff in a pile on your locker is not the same thing at all.

(2) You binned a lot of it when you paid attention to it, and the stuff you didnt bin - you HID AWAY. Which is a far more appropriate response to that type of old stuff.

(3) No one had expressed to you that the stuff was making them uncomfortable. If they had would you gone on the defensive and insisted on displaying it anyway?

Plus we dont know your living arrangements, if you dont live with your parents then feel free to display whatever you like in your own bedroom in your own home, but displaying an explicit letter from an ex in a room in someone elses home is simply not on.

Im sorry, but your analogy above to dismiss quite reasonable assertions that this guys behaviour is disrespectful simply doesnt work.

Ursus Horribilis

They're not nice cards though. We're talking about somewhat racy, intimate letters from his ex. I'm sure she'd be horrified if she knew they were just stuck on his noticeboard easily visible to anyone who goes into his room. Admittedly, that'll be nobody apart from his immediate family and our OP but they should not be on display. Most people don't want to know the gory details of their exes' past sex lives but it's hard to escape this reminder. It's the boyfriend that's making this into an issue by just leaving the letter there, and possibly by adding another. He must be living on another planet if he thinks having these there for his current girlfriend and his family to see is OK.

Idle Passerby

Who displays a sexually explicit note on the wall? And in their parents house?! You've said he has trouble seeing other peoples points of view but this takes the biscuit. Its disrespectful to you, his mother and his ex. Sounds like he's goading you with putting up the extra note. He has no intention of taking it down.

If I was in your situation, the lack of respect for his previous girlfriends privacy would make me wary of giving him anything personal that might eventually be displayed like a trophy.

Other posters have suggested its like keeping a photo or a birthday card. Not really, unless your in the habit of displaying suggestive photo's of exes or birthday card describing sex acts :rolleyes:

leggo

Can people stop exaggerating here and deal with the facts though? It’s not a racy note all about sex, the OP mentions a single suggestive reference. Also can we stop pretending we care about the disrespect and general attitude? The problem here is it makes the OP jealous, and I get that. We don’t know if it’s disrespectful to his Mam because we don’t know if his Mam is even alive or goes into his room or they don’t care about that kinda stuff (some families aren’t mortified by the idea of sex like). And you’re not all really worried about his Mam, are you? Come on like...

People are letting their imaginations run wild and getting hysterical here when there’s no actual evidence to suggest anything that people are saying is the case. Just deal with the problem: there’s a note from an ex on this guy’s wall and it’s making the OP jealous.

osarusan

Perfectly reasonable for you to be uncomfortable about it.

Whether his initial comment that he forgot it was there is true or not, he obviously knows it's there now, and knows that you are uncomfortable with it. I can't really understand the refusal to take it down (and put it in a shoebox or whatever) to be honest.

Maybe he thinks that you are overstepping the line in some way, and doesn't want to give in....but even if he doesn't want to take the letter down, he must privately accept that you are not being unreasonable about this. I can't really see any principle to this.

It's a strange battle to pick.

Ursus Horribilis

If I was the ex, I'd be upset and angry if I knew that was where the letters ended up. Maybe you wouldn't mind but I think a lot of people would. It's not just that the letters are a bit racy. They're personal and I doubt she intended for them to be read by anybody else apart from him. We don't know who else lives in the boyfriend's house but that's beside the point. The letters are freely available to anybody who lives there.

The OP is not being unreasonable in asking for him to take them down. It's not as if she's asking for him to throw them away. Putting them in a drawer or a box is no big deal. It's irrelevant how explicit the letters are. They're from an ex who he used to have sex with and who alludes to that in the letters. They're not boring photos of her and her dog or from some event they went to when they were together.

evolving_doors

Who the heck puts ex's letters on a board on the wall. That's just weird.
..
then to put the current GF's letter up beside it after being asked to remove it!! That's called doubling down.

OP grab your letter and anything like that and get the heck out. Dont bother with ultimatums.

Nothing to do with jealousy on your part. It's just you've been brought up normal and have self respect.

If he had kids together he'd probably be happy to have them show it to their friends as and his mates when they call over.

Does the ex know, I doubt she wants it to be put on display.

Weird

leggo

I get the emotions, I do. But everyone here is adding so much to it that they just don’t know when, based off what we know, the following is just as likely to be true:

- He put up the letter when they were together and the room just hasn’t been cleared out or changed around (all common things to happen).

- It was still there when he moved home and he just never cared enough to take it down (have personally done this myself)

- He’s getting stubborn now he feels the OP is telling him what to do with his room and stuff he knows is harmless (might likely do this myself depending on how the scenario was presented to me, which we don’t know are are just taking the OP’s word for it).

That could all be true, and the lad is getting dragged through the mud being called a horrible, disrespectful narcissist who’s lauding his sexual conquests over the OP and has no respect for his mother (seriously...what?!!)

That’s mental.

.......

leggo wrote: »

People are letting their imaginations run wild and getting hysterical here when there’s no actual evidence to suggest anything that people are saying is the case. Just deal with the problem: there’s a note from an ex on this guy’s wall and it’s making the OP jealous.

Who is pretending anything?

The issue is that the note being displayed is disrespectful and his attitude is a problem.

I dont see anyone getting hysterical (except maybe yourself, no offence, but you seem to be assigning a lot of emotions to posters that are simply not visible on the thread?).

I dont think the OP is jealous. This isnt a jealousy problem at all, that you think it is says something about your own mindset, but as you can see from the replies from the vast majority on here - thats not what the problem is viewed as by most.

.......

leggo wrote: »

I get the emotions, I do. But everyone here is adding so much to it that they just don’t know when, based off what we know, the following is just as likely to be true:

- He put up the letter when they were together and the room just hasn’t been cleared out or changed around (all common things to happen).

- It was still there when he moved home and he just never cared enough to take it down (have personally done this myself)

- He’s getting stubborn now he feels the OP is telling him what to do with his room and stuff he knows is harmless (might likely do this myself depending on how the scenario was presented to me, which we don’t know are are just taking the OP’s word for it).

That could all be true, and the lad is getting dragged through the mud being called a horrible, disrespectful narcissist who’s lauding his sexual conquests over the OP and has no respect for his mother (seriously...what?!!)

That’s mental.

Ah would you stop.

Talk about letting imaginations run wild! Theres a lot of mental gymnastics there for someone so hell bent on sticking to the facts.

The fact is that its up there, he has been asked to remove it, twice, and hasnt.

Its not appropriate for it to be up at all (if you cant understand why a personal letter is an inappropriate thing to display on a cork board then I cannot make you understand it).

He is putting "something" above his girlfriends feelings - that something may be his ex's feelings, his ego, his sentimentality - who knows.

Just to reiterate for the OP - dont send him any compromising images of yourself.

PawneeRanger

leggo wrote: »

- He’s getting stubborn now he feels the OP is telling him what to do with his room and stuff he knows is harmless (might likely do this myself depending on how the scenario was presented to me, which we don’t know are are just taking the OP’s word for it).

Well, no. He was asked to take it down because it made the OP uncomfortable.
He said he would and then he didn't do it.
She asked him again and he got defensive, still didn't remove it and has in fact managed to display an additional note from this ex. That's not ok.

You might see it as "harmless" but I doubt the person who wrote it would.
I certainly wouldn't if I were the ex.
And if I were the OP I would have serious concerns about the level of disrespect this man is showing for an ex partner by displaying the letter, and for his current partner in how he has reacted to a perfectly reasonable request to not display such a personal piece of his past relationship.

You say posters here are ascribing all sorts of wile exaggerations but as far as I can see, everyone has responded to the information the OP has given. YOu're the one questioning what she's said.

osarusan

leggo wrote: »

Just deal with the problem: there’s a note from an ex on this guy’s wall and it’s making the OP jealous.

No mention of jealousy in the OP, and I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy.


Just that she feels uncomfortable, would prefer the letter be taken down, and wants to know if she is being reasonable in feeling that way, or is making too big a deal out of things.

LegacyUser

While my initial request for him to take it down was probably rooted in a bit of jealousy, that's not really the issue now.


When I first asked him to take it down, I was very careful in how I approached it, because I knew it was most likely that he didn't even realise it was there. It went something along the lines of "If it's not a problem, could I ask you to take down that old letter, because it makes me feel a bit comfortable". I was very careful not to be confrontational. I know that's just my word.

I agree that he's not an awful person, and I don't believe he is lauding his sexual conquests - it is, after all, one letter that is over all, very sweet, but does make reference to her wanting to bend over in front of him for the rest of her life. I also don't really see an issue with him having a cork board of memories - most of it is tickets for gigs and things like that. I have similar items stuck up in my own room (minus old letters, which I like to regulate to a box)

I don't want him to throw it out, but, it's not too hard to understand how I may feel uncomfortable about the letter, especially that line. I'm not naive, I know he probably banged a lot more people than her before he met me, but I don't necessarily want to be confronted with the evidence every time I go into his room.

Right now, the issue surrounds how he knows it makes me feel, how he told me he would take it down (and apologised for it being there), to not taking it down now. I'm not trying to take control of his room - it's one item (and now two, but the second note doesn't really bother me, it's not exactly intimate) in his room. Sure, I guess the item is technically harmless, but it does make me feel uncomfortable, and surely, in some sense, that is harmful to our relationship.

Like, I love this guy. It hasn't been very long I know, but things moved quite fast and we both said that it felt right. It's not like we are young and naive (I'm late 20s, he is early 30s), we both know what we want from relationships at this point. And I seriously want to stay with him, because I know he is a great guy. I ask for very little in this relationship (again, this is just my word, I know), I just want my feelings to be respected, and I want to feel as if he cares how I feel.

leggo

osarusan wrote: »

No mention of jealousy in the OP, and I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy.


Just that she feels uncomfortable, would prefer the letter be taken down, and wants to know if she is being reasonable in feeling that way, or is making too big a deal out of things.

Why does she feel uncomfortable if jealousy is nothing to do with it? Why are people uncomfortable themselves in acknowledging that jealousy is behind this? It’s okay to be jealous of this, note how I’m not saying that the OP is being unreasonable at all, I just always try and put myself in the other person’s shoes because there are two sides to every story and I can easily put myself in this guy’s shoes without anything suss being up. Multiple people are questioning his relationship with his mother like with zero info on that!

Thread is cray cray and running away with itself.

Ursus Horribilis

All we need now is reference to Nazis and we're done.

The OP is an adult and she can decide for herself what is good advice and what isn't.