I find it hard to bond with people

HaloTop

This isn't meant to sound like a self pitying post im just curious if anyone ever feels similar. I feel like I can never make a connection with anyone. I put so much pressure on myself to get people to like me.
I started a new job recently and while people say hello to me no one really seems to want to be my friend or get to know me.

Im not coming across needy or anything like that.

It's like people just take an instant disliken to me. I don't know if it's that I am boring and people don't find me interesting. Does anyone ever feel like they never bond with anyone no matter what?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and over come it?

Cockadoodledoo

Most of the time people get the wrong impression about me in the beginning. I’m shy but it comes across as unfriendly.

I don’t overthink it though because it takes me time to get comfortable and then they see the real me. They end up surprised at how friendly and good humoured I actually am.

The worst thing you can do is become paranoid and over think it. Just say hello, make small talk and then relationships will naturally come in their own time. Nobody can dislike you for doing that.

HaloTop

Im not very shy. At least not one to one. I would be in a group. Im so kind and thoughtful with people and I never get it in return it's like I just annoying everyone.

Cockadoodledoo

HaloTop wrote: »

Im not very shy. At least not one to one. I would be in a group. Im so kind and thoughtful with people and I never get it in return it's like I just annoying everyone.

That’s probably just your own weird perception of how it is. What are you doing that you think is annoying them?

HaloTop

Cockadoodledoo wrote: »

That’s probably just your own weird perception of how it is. What are you doing that you think is annoying them?

No idea. There's obviously some kinda vibe im given out that people don't like.

sweirdo

I get that feeling all the time. Most people I just can't seem to connect to. Then others I connect to instantly, but those cases are very, very rare.

It might just be the kind of people you work with. Maybe you don't vibe well with them, because they are a certain kind of personality (especially at work that can happen a lot).

How are you connecting with people in other areas in your life?

Lastly, you said you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to get people to like you. Are you still being yourself? Or could it be that you subconsciously act differently and people just sort of pick up on that?

woodchuck

HaloTop wrote: »

Im so kind and thoughtful with people and I never get it in return it's like I just annoying everyone.

HaloTop wrote: »

There's obviously some kinda vibe im given out that people don't like.

Is it possible you're being a bit too full on with them? Of course it's nice to be kind and thoughtful, but if you're doing it with people you hardly know, they might get suspicious as to whether or you're genuine and/or have an underlying motive.

Maybe just try tone it down a bit? Be friendly, engage in banter, but don't go above and beyond until you feel a connection developing.

dvdman1

On everyday passing comments people are more interested in the energy and vibe you give off not the content of what you say..
do you smile? Most people will talk to smiley people, theres execptions but thats ok too. Are you confident in what you say and the way you say it? Confident people are a magnet for others it tells people your worth listening to. People dont like unknowns so avoid body language such as arm folding or mouth covering..
Physical attraction can give some a boost in this game regardless of it being fair or not..its just life but not a major factor beyond basic chit chat...i know id much rather talk to a man/woman with original interesting points than sombody whos boring but attractive...
Positivity confident smiley and friendly this will capture a good % of peoples attention

Gannicus

HaloTop wrote: »

... I started a new job recently and while people say hello to me no one really seems to want to be my friend or get to know me. ...

How long are you in the job? I have an idea how you feel. You start in a new job where people have their social circles/cliques that have been established over potentially years and you feel like an outsider.

Like another poster says "Be confident". Confidence attracts confidence. Slowly over time you will see people in their have similar interests to you. There are lots of things going on in the run up to halloween and xmas. Maybe try organise an activity (not sure where you live/work) but maybe a day in the office with a few halloween games or Farmaphobia etc. That way you'll be introducing yourself to people and showing that your outgoing and personable.

Tokyo

HaloTop wrote: »

I put so much pressure on myself to get people to like me.
I started a new job recently and while people say hello to me no one really seems to want to be my friend or get to know me.

HaloTop wrote: »

Im not very shy. At least not one to one. I would be in a group. Im so kind and thoughtful with people and I never get it in return it's like I just annoying everyone.

HaloTop wrote: »

No idea. There's obviously some kinda vibe im given out that people don't like.

....

HaloTop wrote: »

Im not coming across needy or anything like that.

Not to sound harsh OP, but yes, you are coming across as needy. You're not letting people get to know you, instead you are desperately trying to get people to like you, and there is a world of difference between the two. I appreciate that this may not be your intent, but that kind of behaviour does come across as needy, and can be quite off putting.

So rather than trying to wish everybody into liking you, why not simply let them get to know you for who you are, and decide for themselves? It's unrealistic to think that everybody will want to be your friend, but at least the people who do decide to befriend you will be doing so for the right reasons...

neonsofa

If it helps op, with two of my best friends we both thought the other didn't like us in the beginning. As in I thought my now best friend didn't like me, so I just didn't really try to build a relationship, and vice versa. Same with another friend too. As it was through work we kind of had to get on with things and eventually we became close. Years later we discovered we both felt the same way initially. That's not really advice or helpful but it just shows that sometimes it's all in your head and time will show that.

buried

Do you have much in the way of hobbies, interests or things you want to learn OP? I find that you have to fill your own existence with these sort of things that you enjoy doing, and fill it up big time, just stuff you like to do for yourself, for your own enjoyment. And once you fill up on those things, you will attract some same like minded people to you because those people will sense that you have things going on in your own life that give you a good proper bounce, they'll sense that you have this bounce and they'll want to bounce off you. But at the same time, don't do these things to get validation from anyone else, do it for yourself, don't mind what other people may or may not be thinking. That's just irrelevant and out of your control anyways, like it is for everyone. Look into, mind and look after yourself and the rest will follow.

Neyite

Do you have an impartial friend who would be willing to give you brutally honest feedback? And would you be able to take that on board even if it's tough to hear?
When you said you are kind and thoughtful with people and never get it back it suggests that you expect something equally kind and thoughtful reciprocated. Think about how you show that kindness and thoughtfulness, your honest motives for doing so (getting people to like you better?) and your honest expectation of the returns on your gesture (they become a friend). You may be surprised.

What some see as kindness or generosity can feel stifling or overbearing to others. There's someone in my life who loves to give stuff. Loves to treat people or pay for stuff for them. Insists to the point of falling out with you and then brings it up often so you feel compelled to thank them for the umpteenth time, often for years. It really grates, and I actually really hate it. I'm just a vehicle for them to pat themselves on the back for their generosity. True kindness is different. It's doing something quietly and without impacting a person's dignity and not bragging about it, and certainly not expecting anything to be reciprocated. I'm not saying you should change being thoughtful or kind, but you should maybe analyse and adjust your expectations of the outcome.