Feeling lonely in college

oatmeal27

I’m 6 weeks into my first year of college and I feel quite lonely. Thing is, I appear to be settling in fine on the surface. I didn’t have any close friends coming here. I met 3 girls during my first week who are doing most of the same subjects as me. I sit with them most lectures and have lunch with them a few times a week. However, they live in accommodation about an hours walk away from me, so I miss out stuff they do in the evenings. I’ve only been there twice. They’re quite shy and always comment on how friendly I am compared to them, as I’ll chat to anyone nowadays and I come off as a cheerful person. There’s also about 20 people from home here, so I’m forever saying hi to them, giving the illusion I’m more popular than I am.

I suppose the main problem is that I’ve no one to hang with in the evenings. I live alone in a student apartment so I try not to go home till 6.30 at the earliest as I know I won’t see another person till the morning. I missed out on befriending people in my building as I was too sick to join in some bonding activities they had in the first week. I finally got the balls to go for pre-drinks and then the night club with them and have done that the last 3 weeks. Though I’ll have fun, I feel out of place as they’ve already established a few groups and I’m just friendly with 3 of the girls and one of the lads. I’ve also gone to prinks with a few lads from school, but I’m not close with them. No one there would ever personally invite me out, I’ll just join in an open invitation in the group chat.

Will this pass?

alchemist33

I remember from college that the early friend-groups didn't always last. People hooked up with the first people they clicked with but over time those friendships changed and different groups had formed by the end of first year. So keep at it, maybe join some clubs/societies, keep being friendly and you'll find yoyr group. Those 3 girls you're friendly with could be the ones you houseshare with next year!

charolais0153

oatmeal27 wrote: »

I’m 6 weeks into my first year of college and I feel quite lonely. Thing is, I appear to be settling in fine on the surface. I didn’t have any close friends in school as I had bad social anxiety. I’m over that now & I come off as friendly. I met 3 girls during my first week who are doing most of the same subjects as me. I sit with them most lectures and have lunch with them a few times a week. However, they live in accommodation about an hours walk away from me, so I miss out stuff they do in the evenings. I’ve only been there twice. They’re quite shy and always comment on how friendly I am compared to them, as I’ll chat to anyone nowadays and I come off as a cheerful person. There’s also about 20 people from home I’m college so I’m forever saying hi to them, giving the illusion I’m more popular than I am.

I suppose the main problem is that I’ve no one to hang with in the evenings. I live alone in a student apartment so I try not to go home till 6.30 at the earliest as I know I won’t see another person till the morning. I missed out on befriending people in my building as I was too sick to join in some bonding activities they had in the first week. I finally got the balls to go for pre-drinks and then the night club with them 3 weeks ago. Though I’ll have fun, I feel out of place as they’ve already established a few groups and I’m just friendly with 3 of the girls and one of the lads. No one there would ever personally invite me out, I’ll just join in an open invitation in the group chat.

Will this pass?

Talk to New people at lectures and labs and dont stick with the three girls always. Youll always have someone to talk ta then at lectures if the girls arent there.
Prinks are a great way to meet people too and people arent as uptight when they have a few cans in them

oatmeal27

Yeah I love prinks but my problem is that it’s really the only thing social activity I do outside if college. I feel like people only see me as a drinking buddy/acquaintance. I’ve gone to prinks five times with some lads from my school but they never ask me to hang out or anything. The girls from my building are the same.

But I agree that I need to talk to other people in my lectures. As much as I like those girls, it’s a bit boring and I don’t have that much in common with them. I think it’s nearly more of a convenience thing for us. I just hope I haven’t left it too late to join other friend groups.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm glad to see you've pinpointed something I was going to mention. Those girls you've made friends with. By all means stay friends with them but be mindful that if you spend too much time with them, you'll end up forming your own clique and stifle yourself. They could become a drain on you and yes, maybe you'll all be using each other for company. It's good you're aware of this.

No, you've not missed the boat in terms of making friends. I think you should look into joining some of the clubs/societies in the college even though term has started. I can't think of many which would turn away a new face. Look for ones that meet on a regular basis, rather than every now and then. If you're unsure, send a message to the people who are in charge of some of the clubs and find out.

As you've already been advised, chat to people in college. Start conversations with people you sit beside in class, in labs, in tutorials or whatever it is you do as part of your studies. If you come across as friendly and open, you might get some new acquaintances and friends from this.

Is there really nowhere you can go other than back to your apartment in the evenings? Perhaps things have changed since I was at college because back then, I used to go to the library in the evenings or to the reading rooms in the college. There were people who lived near me and we all used to gather around 9:00 and walk home together. Or there'd be the same familiar faces in the reading rooms in college and we'd go for a coffee. I also remember getting to know people who were waiting for the same bus home as me at the weekends. Though perhaps that has changed because everyone's looking at smartphones now

Rubberchikken

Have you joined any clubs or societies?
A team sport is a great eay to get friendly with others. If youre not into sport then there's bound to be a society that'll look interesting.

Stay friendly with these girls but strike up conversations with others when u can.

Good luck

oatmeal27

Thanks for all your answers!

Although I like those girls, they’re really sweet, I have my doubts I’ll be close to them by the end of the year. I don’t really have much in common with them, other than our lectures. They never go out, not even to the pub and they don’t seem to want to mix. I can’t tell if it’s shyness or they just don’t want to. When I introduce them to someone from my school or a lecture, they just act awkward and make no effort. And I think they might resent me slightly as lads never talk to them. If we’re in a group with some boys, they’ll always chat and flirt with me. I know it’s shallow, but I put an effort into my appearance and I’m quite chatty. One lad in particular knows the girls but always sits beside me in lectures and texts me but doesn’t say much to the others bar a hello, which I think annoys them. One of them rolls her eyes or says, “here we go again” when this happens. She in particular, seems to be getting fed up of me.

I’m going to get more involved in college, as I’ve only gone to one society so far. I’ll also see about volunteering for something. The more I think about this, the more I realise I need to broaden my social circle and try find people I’ve something in common with. I just have to be more proactive

blairbear

OP, is there a drama society? I found that amazing for making friends in college. Generally fairly sociable people are drawn to it, and even if you're not into acting there are lots of other aspects to a production if they're putting one on. I also loved the LGBTQ society; I'm a straight woman but this was my favourite group to hang out with, as we went to so many events (drag queen bingo etc) that my other social groups wouldn't necessarily be interested in and I made friends that I'm still really close with now. I wasn't into sport at all, so the chance to join societies that really centred around having fun and being creative was fab!

(I also did not end up staying friends with pretty much anyone I met and hung out with in the first couple of months. I think everyone goes through intermittent phases of loneliness at this stage in the college year. If you're enthusiastic about making friends, it'll happen!)

oatmeal27

I hadn’t considered either of those societies but maybe I should. I couldn’t act or sing to save my life but maybe I could work in the background? As I’m also a straight female, I’m not sure if I should be in the LGBTQ society but I’ll consider it.

Thanks for your answer. It’s comforting to know others have felt this way- I assumed the first few weeks would be the hardest but really it’s the last 2 weeks I’ve felt the most disappointed with. But I know it’ll get better, I’m just in a rut