Quarter-life crisis

LegacyUser

I'm 26 and feel a quarter life crisis coming on. I have a degree and a good job and income, and tick a lot of the boxes for sucessful. However, underneath, I can't help but feel unfulfilled and quite anxious.

My mother is battling cancer, and although she is in good health and spirits generally, it's of course very worrying that she is sick and might not be with us for the long term. This plays on my mind almost constantly and affects me quite badly when she is going through a rough time with her illness or treatment. I am away in Dublin for work all week and rush home and then back to Dublin at the weekends.

I'm also struggling internally with sexuality. I came out to a school friend 6 years ago and to college friends about 3 years ago, but haven't progressed from that since. I have yet to tell my parents and with my mother being sick it feels more urgent. But yet, every weekend when I go home, I just can't. I become apathetic and can't bring myself to have that conversation. I can't picture myself saying "I need to talk to you about something..." I always picture the conversation being alone with my mother. When mum is having a hard time I'm devastated by thoughts of her dying before I got to have this conversation; it haunts my conscience. The only positive move I have made with sexuality is to learn more by reading about it. Books like the Velvet Rage were helpful and I learned a new word there - shame. That resonates with me strongly, and particularly about being an out gay man.

Aside from sexuality, the quality and quantity of my friendships and social life were hit after I finished college 3 years ago and have become almost non-existent this year, with college friends moving abroad to work and travel.

I usually don't compare my life to others, and I don't use social media, but objectively speaking I didn't do much if any of the things like sex, dating, travelling etc. that people/students in their early 20s do. There's no quality or quantity in that part of my life anymore. I shy away from admitting that I'm lonely and that many people I am friendly with (mostly through work) are no more than acquaintances.

The only positive aspect is my work. I love my job and my industry. The people I work with are professional and are brilliant mentors and colleaugues. I know I do what I do well, but this can't be the only aspect of my life to be validating. I might be tasked with another project in work soon, which would lift me up professionally, but put more distance between who I am at my desk and who I am away from it.

The agency and determination that got me a degree, a job and a promotion are absent when it comes to improving my personal life. In spite of the positive aspect, I can't help but feel a sense of impending doom. It might come with a bad turn to my mother's health. Maybe I won't come out, won't get to or won't get a positive reaction to it when/if I do.

I was saddened by thinking that I have no life, but really the problem is I have two - an internal and external one that are misaligned and unsatisfying. Where do I start?

feardeas

I'm over a decade older. I could have written a lot of this at one time. You are a lot ahead of me in that you've told friends about being gay. Telling the family is a big step, maybe try a sibling if you have one and feel comfortable. You and only you can judge the situation with your mother. It might sound trite but mothers in particular would often go into the lion's den for their children.

As for the friends etc it's not easy but I guess part of life. The sense of missing out on stuff is natural and I can relate to it. You are lucky you're in a city with plenty of chances to meet people, there's all kinds of groups etc if you'd like to meet like minded people who happen to be gay. There's also things like drama societies or toastmasters.

You appear to have the professional life sorted, when you have time to take the time the personal will come too. I met my partner online almost 5 years ago and we have a life now that I never quite envisaged. It can and will happen.

Having an ill parent is not easy. Spend time there, enjoy it and hopefully there can be many years of that time to come. Also be good to yourself. Take care.

leggo

First off, you're absolutely allowed to feel like things aren't all connecting in the way you anticipated when you're mid-20's. That's probably the default for most people, I remember feeling the same myself. When you're a child, you feel like things will magically all connect and you'll have the answers as soon as you hit your 20's. You get there and feel no wiser than you did at 17. Truth is, that magical awakening never really comes, as you grow older you just hopefully learn to accept that none of us have all the answers and are just winging it doing our best. People do panic, though, it's very common and only makes you normal.

I can't give you specific advice about coming out, but one thing I note is that your overlying concern seems to be making the conversation about yourself while your mother is sick, as opposed to anxiety about how they'll react. So am I to assume that you feel the most likely thing that'd happen is your mother will accept this and be happy for you? If that's the case, then I'd recommend you do it. You know this yourself already, you'll regret it forever if you don't. Flip the roles in your head and put yourself in your mother's shoes: do you think she'd rather you felt this way as if you couldn't tell her anything because she was sick? Or do you think she'd want her child to feel like they could tell her everything and she could know and tell you she loves you for who you are? Of course it's the latter.

Lastly, you don't say anything about the cancer being terminal, in fact it seems your mother is doing quite well with the treatment. While it's definitely something to be concerned about and dealt with, remember that there is hope in 2018 for people who suffer. People survive it all the time these days. So it's alright to have hope that this will all pass and be alright, while also preparing yourself for the worst. Give yourself the relief of that hope until you hear otherwise.

It's not too late to do all of the things you describe 'normal people' doing either, if that's what you want. Your 20's (all of them) are exactly the right time to do so (and people do it even beyond, there's no set rules there), you haven't missed your window.

I'm sorry you're going through all this at the same time OP, but there is a very realistic scenario where all of this passes and you're on the other side happier than ever. So hold onto that and do what you can to get there rather than bottling up and feeding these anxieties.

LegacyUser

Any gay person I've ever met has their coming-out "story", the day they announced their sexual orientation to their nearest& dearest. And you know what? In the vast majority of cases, there was no need, because their family& friends already knew deep down, or at the very least had strong suspicions.
You could just open up a conversation with your mum in a general way. Asking about the things she values most, the people she loves most, the experiences she's learnt most from,& what life advice she would give you. Likely she'll want you to be safe, happy, healthy, partnered.
Explain that you would like someone in your life. You don't have to specifically say "I fancy men"; you could just say "I've just no attraction to women".

witchgirl26

OP I can't comment on the coming out to family but I do know a bit about having a sick parent in your 20's and feeling like you're not doing the same type of socialising/travelling as others.

My dad had cancer when I was in my early 20's and passed away (we knew it was going to happen from the start) so I do feel that I lost about 5 years in my 20's between dealing with him being sick and then the aftermath too. I didn't go out as much as other friends and probably lost some of my social circle from college as my focus was very much somewhere else. It took a while to accept that that was ok. I didn't have the typical experience but also it did make me aware of what was important. I get that you want to spend as much time as possible with your mam because she is sick but you also need to make time for you. Maybe go away for a weekend by yourself to somewhere in Europe that you really want to go. It's not as scary as it might seem and it's still close enough should you need to get back (but you probably won't). It'll also give you some time to yourself away from all the normal things. It's often easier to think and just breathe with that.

You need to find some things as hobbies that make you happy. They don't have to be in any way connected to your sexuality. I don't let the fact that I'm straight influence my hobbies so you shouldn't either (just that I know a couple of people who were convinced that if they were gay they had to be into everything that could be perceived as that as opposed to things they actually genuinely enjoyed doing). Give yourself time to focus on them. I also didn't date much at all during my early 20's (brief 1 off dates for the most part & some very short-term things). It's not the be-all and end-all. Get comfy with being yourself. x