Oldies on boards, how do you deal with death?

Paddy Cow

Someone posted about how their Dad's side of the family had experienced a lot of loss in tragic circumstances and it hit their family hard. My mother's side of the family has also experienced a lot of loss. I am late 30's so have lost all my grandparents, parents and a lot of aunt and uncles. I still have all my siblings and most of my cousins. I'm not worried about getting wrinkles or grey hair but from time to time I do worry about how I'll get to a certain age where instead of getting wedding invitations, I'll be attending funerals.

My dad died when I was young and that did hit me (as it would). I didn't lose my Mum until I was in my 30's and should be an independent adult but I have to say, her death hit me hard. Suddenly I felt like an orphan, even though I associate orphans with kids who lose their parents when they're young. There was a shift in my mentality after she died. Suddenly I went from having a parent who would always be there no matter what to being the next generation. It was a real growing up transition.

I don't know how to ask this correctly and maybe some people will take issue with me saying "oldies" but I know we have some older members on boards who are obviously going to have a lot of experience of this eg Srameen and I genuinely don't want to upset anyone but how do you deal with the grieving process as you get older?

uch

You don't, you just learn to live with it

uch

I should add my experiences, I've lost 4 close friends to Heroin when I was younger, had problems myself but overcame them, my best mate was one of the last and that put me back to square one with gear, I cleaned up and then lost me Ma, then my wifes mother, me Da, 3 uncles and 2 aunts, and my Cousin/Godmother in the last 7 years. I've had my fill of deaths but I look at it as I'm the lucky one, I'm still here, I grieve every day but I dont let it over run me, might sound harsh but life goes on

AnneFrank

Don't be a wimp and get on, getting on.

Laois_Man

I'm not entirely sure what the question is exactly, or why it only applies to "oldies". I had lost both of my parents by at the age of 26 and never had a grandparent. I have one surviving aunt, one surviving uncle and I have also lost a young nephew very suddenly very recently. I don't know why the older people who attended that funeral just last month will know more about the grieving experience of it than I do. I would say they know less actually, I was way closer to him than any of them were. I am not close to my siblings. I have a new family now

But now I have my own kids and I understand a lot more, the worry my parents had when I was young and when I went thru 2-3 years where I was a bit of a tearaway and hanging around with a fella who was clearly going down the wrong path (and he's now dead too following years of drug/alcohol abuse). I used to worry about my parents dying - I used to be afraid of dying - now it's a really different type of fear of dying - now my fear is of leaving my 2 kids behind without them being prepared to be without me. And of course, the most terrifying thought any parent could ever have is of something happening to either of them and having to experience what my brother experienced in early September - burying his child.

buried

It be coming so go get going

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

There's no magic potion, philosophical attitude nor snappy ideology that deals with grief and most of us have our own ways of coping. I lost my father when young, had a brother die in his 30s, a sister in her 40s, and dozens of aunts, uncles, and cousins through the years. My mother died 23 years ago and I still grieve for her. Now I'm approaching 75 and losing long time friends, workmates etc and it's a different type of loss. I don't know; you just get on with it and use whatever coping mechanism works for you. I have a deep religious and spiritual faith and that has always helped me. It is, as you say, a part of the maturing process and an inevitable part of life that we all encounter at some stage. It may sound odd but life takes over and the dead are gone while we have our lives to live, family to raise and enjoy, jobs to do and ambitions to fulfil. They say time heals but it doesn't; it just numbs the feeling of grief and let's us remember our loved ones without it paralysing our own lives.

Filmer Paradise

OP, I think you're a bit young to worry about this just yet.

I'm 50. Dad's still around in his '80s, hale & hearty.

I sometimes wonder how he feels about that. All the people his own age passing on...

I'm too busy living to think about death.

Foweva Awone

uch wrote: »

I should add my experiences, I've lost 4 close friends to Heroin when I was younger, had problems myself but overcame them, my best mate was one of the last and that put me back to square one with gear, I cleaned up and then lost me Ma, then my wifes mother, me Da, 3 uncles and 2 aunts, and my Cousin/Godmother in the last 7 years. I've had my fill of deaths but I look at it as I'm the lucky one, I'm still here, I grieve every day but I dont let it over run me, might sound harsh but life goes on

I've two very close friends in intensive care at the moment after heroin overdoses, they have a baby together (in care now) and each have some older kids too. He overdosed about a month ago and is almost brain-dead, he's not expected to make any sort of meaningful recovery. And now she's just after ODing and is on life support, her kidneys and liver have failed, so I don't even know what that means, whether I should be preparing to say my goodbyes or not. It's a horrific drug. Well done you on getting off it in time.

I've very little experience really of death, but it's a strange and difficult thing to have to start grieving for people while they're still technically alive.

AnneFrank

Foweva Awone wrote: »

I've two very close friends in intensive care at the moment after heroin overdoses, they have a baby together (in care now) and each have some older kids too. He overdosed about a month ago and is almost brain-dead, he's not expected to make any sort of meaningful recovery. And now she's just after ODing and is on life support, her kidneys and liver have failed, so I don't even know what that means, whether I should be preparing to say my goodbyes or not. It's a horrific drug. Well done you on getting off it in time.

I've very little experience really of death, but it's a strange and difficult thing to have to start grieving for people while they're still technically alive.

Sorry to say, I only feel sorry for the kids. What parents to get.

uch

Foweva Awone wrote: »

I've two very close friends in intensive care at the moment after heroin overdoses, they have a baby together (in care now) and each have some older kids too. He overdosed about a month ago and is almost brain-dead, he's not expected to make any sort of meaningful recovery. And now she's just after ODing and is on life support, her kidneys and liver have failed, so I don't even know what that means, whether I should be preparing to say my goodbyes or not. It's a horrific drug. Well done you on getting off it in time.

I've very little experience really of death, but it's a strange and difficult thing to have to start grieving for people while they're still technically alive.

It certainly is, this happened with me best mate, all I could do was go see him and say goodbye and sorry that we got ourselves into it, I think it helped me if it's any consolation

Foweva Awone

AnneFrank wrote: »

Sorry to say, I only feel sorry for the kids. What parents to get.

And knowing the parents life stories as I do, I feel very sorry for the childhoods they didn't get to have. Lots of trauma brought them to where they are now. Doesn't excuse it but it explains a lot of it.

uch

AnneFrank wrote: »

Sorry to say, I only feel sorry for the kids. What parents to get.

I hope you don't slip off that high horse yer on there

wakka12

Death is shocking and upsetting no matter what age you are, youll never really come to terms with a loved one dying, theyre gone forever,you cant say another thing to the person whos been there for you for your whole life ever again,its brutal absolutely brutal its too much to bare, but theres nothing you can do except move on and thats what we all have to do

I havnt had experience of anyone very close to me dying yet but I imagine when it happens it changes you forever

AnneFrank

Foweva Awone wrote: »

And knowing the parents life stories as I do, I feel very sorry for the childhoods they didn't get to have. Lots of trauma brought them to where they are now. Doesn't excuse it but it explains a lot of it.

I'm sorry but I disagree, I know plenty of parents that put personal suffering aside to do what's right.No offence

Filmer Paradise

Mathias Whispering Vagrant wrote: »

There's no magic potion, philosophical attitude nor snappy ideology that deals with grief and most of us have our own ways of coping. I lost my father when young, had a brother die in his 30s, a sister in her 40s, and dozens of aunts, uncles, and cousins through the years. My mother died 23 years ago and I still grieve for her. Now I'm approaching 75 and losing long time friends, workmates etc and it's a different type of loss. I don't know; you just get on with it and use whatever coping mechanism works for you. I have a deep religious and spiritual faith and that has always helped me. It is, as you say, a part of the maturing process and an inevitable part of life that we all encounter at some stage. It may sound odd but life takes over and the dead are gone while we have our lives to live, family to raise and enjoy, jobs to do and ambitions to fulfil. They say time heals but it doesn't; it just numbs the feeling of grief and let's us remember our loved ones without it paralysing our own lives.

Pretty much sums it up really.

You sink or you swim.

buried

Death be coming for everyone. Came for everybody else. Good way to deal with it is this - were you bothered when you weren't around or didn't exist for World War 1 or the First Crusade on Jerusalem when it was going on? Did that matter? Was that so hard? Not to exist when that actual situation was happening? If we go back to that state when we leave here, then it's no problem really is it? You didn't exist before in the past and you dealt with that handily enough so what does it matter to you if you don't exist in the near future? You already been there. So relax and have a drink or a read or a listen or a watch of something you enjoy now and don't worry about all that $hite. You been there already. Everybody has and will.

Filmer Paradise

buried wrote: »

Death be coming for everyone. Came for everybody else. Good way to deal with it is this - were you bothered when you weren't around or didn't exist for World War 1 or the First Crusade on Jerusalem when it was going on? Did that matter? Was that so hard? Not to exist when that actual situation was happening? If we go back to that state when we leave here, then it's no problem really is it? You didn't exist before in the past and you dealt with that handily enough so what does it matter to you if you don't exist in the near future? You already been there. So relax and have a drink or a read or a listen or a watch of something you enjoy now and don't worry about all that $hite. You been there already. Everybody has and will.

Apt username.

Zero Point

It's not just with family. It happens with pets as well. In the parent-child relationship, for the most part the children outlive the parents. But if you have pets throughout your life, they naturally have very short life span, and as a pet owner you could end up going through the whole cycle of life, death and loss multiple times.

YFlyer

Sure you be dead.

Pretzill

I'm 50 not ancient but heading there. In the last decade I have lost a brother in law, cousin, father in law, mother in law, father, mother and two close friends.

Losing my mother was the hardest because I was there when she took her last breath - it makes death real - like a bird hitting the window you hope is just stunned, death is fragility, it's life at it's purest last drop and we all will face it.

How do you prepare for that? You can't - I know life can be snuffed out over mere days when everything can change - so while I try to treasure the day I'm also stoic - I have learned to accept it.

harry Bailey esq

uch wrote: »

You don't, you just learn to live with it

I agree.

Filmer Paradise

Pretzill wrote: »

I'm 50 not ancient but heading there. In the last decade I have lost a brother in law, cousin, father in law, mother in law, father, mother and two close friends.

Losing my mother was the hardest because I was there when she took her last breath - it makes death real - like a bird hitting the window you hope is just stunned, death is fragility, it's life at it's purest last drop and we all will face it.

How do you prepare for that? You can't - I know life can be snuffed out over mere days when everything can change - so while I try to treasure the day I'm also stoic - I have learned to accept it.

It's the way of life.

I'm the same age as you & have faced losses too.

On the other hand, our family has had a lot of new people to replace those that have gone before.

Nothing new in the scheme of things.

In the next 10-20 years, we'll be the Old Duffers.

Mountainsandh

I'm 45. It occurred to me recently that I'm likely to encounter death a lot more in the decades ahead of me than I have so far in my life. It's a worrying prospect, but I imagine like others said that you just get on with your life.

When my father committed suicide (at 47 years old) I had just turned 23. This was the hardest to deal with, and I'm not sure I have really, I just got on with my life.
I've lost all grandparents now, and while I miss them all, I think old age deaths are philosophically easier to come to terms with than sudden, younger age deaths, obviously.

When I think about it I dread the moments that will arrive for my dearest and for us all, but I try not to dwell on it.

Neyite

In the mid forties here and some very close to me have died.

I dunno. I used to believe in *something* but not really sure what. Now I don't have any belief other than everything is temporary. Forever is not a concept for me. And weirdly that was very liberating to realise because all the time I thought a higher power was clocking up the misdemeanours and judging me, I was utterly miserable.

Now, I enjoy every day as it comes. I understand that my relationship won't last forever, that they will end. Either through a break up or through death of one of us. But either way, one of us is going to be gutted. And that helps me not take my relationship - and other relationships- in life for granted. So its about maximising the enjoyment of those relationships while I've got them in my life.

JupiterKid

43 and lost all my grandparents and both parents (lost my mum at only 15 when she was just 46, that was deeply deeply traumatic) and watched my father waste away to pancreatic cancer 3 years ago. Still have both my siblings but have lost a couple of cousins (cancer and heart attack). I’m a recovering alcoholic and although I didn’t approach death myself, 9 people that I knew in my rehabs are sadly passed on now.

Srameen summed it up very well. Time is not really a healer but it does numb the pain to a degree. Thus that is life - we are born, we grow older, we grow old, we die. Some die young, most make it to old age. Grasp the life you have now as you only get the one to live.