How many friends?

klm1

How many friends is it normal for an Irish Male in his 40's to have?

I'm a decent, relatively intelligent guy, but spent a lot of my life moving around and struggle to make friends. So here I am in my mid 40's, with about 1 or 2 friends(not counting my gf). What's normal? Any suggestions on how to improve the situation?

Setanter

Your pretty lucky if you have two close friends and a girlfriend.

Strive for more by all means, but don't feel you have a deficit.

klm1

They aren't close friends at all, both are what I would call acquaintances, not people I would rely on, and I expect they wouldn't rely on me either. Yes I'm lucky with my girlfriend, I never doubt that.

I've been trying to improve my life lately, eating healthy, working out, trying to just generally be better. Then it dawned on me that having more friends would help me feel more fulfilled.

I'm socially anxious, so public places and conversations are a real struggle for me, but as I've seen on another thread, there are groups for people who are socially anxious, so I'm going to use it to try and connect with more people.

Daisy78

Any interests you could pursue? Something like a football fan club where there is a social aspect to it? Maybe join a golf club or tennis? What about work, would you think of organising after work drinks and get a few people together to come along?

It can be trickier for men to make friends, particularly when you are past the college /early twenties stage. I think women are more likely to actively pursue friendships than men, not sure why that is though. That said sometimes it only takes meeting one or two people to kick-start your social circle, you meet others through them and it grows from there. But it's like anything else you need to be proactive about it, create opportunities and see what comes of it.

klm1

Thanks Daisy, I've quite a wide and varied range of interests so I'm sure I can come up with something there. I don't know why, but joining a club didn't occur to me. That's definitely something I could do.
Under normal circumstances the work thing might work, but my current workmates are idiots, so I don't think it would help! I'm due to change jobs shortly though, so it could well be an option down the line.
Appreciate the input,

facehugger99

I've a lot of acquaintances but probably only 2 people (not including the wife) I could call at 2.30am in the morning to come and bail me out of prison, which is how you can define a close friendship.

_Brian

klm1 wrote: »

How many friends is it normal for an Irish Male in his 40's to have?

I'm a decent, relatively intelligent guy, but spent a lot of my life moving around and struggle to make friends. So here I am in my mid 40's, with about 1 or 2 friends(not counting my gf). What's normal? Any suggestions on how to improve the situation?

Is this concerning you for any particular reason ??
It’s not a number game, it’s much more about true friendship.

OldMrBrennan83

I did the moving thing too but never made any effort to stay in touch with work friends etc once I moved again because it never lasts anyway so best to just nip it quick. I work alone now so I've none at all but it wouldn't be anything that would bother me as people are a complete pox (though I realise not everyone sees that). Thankfully the Mrs doesn't push me to be friends with her friends husband's either as 'making friends' as an adult is really weird.

I'd say if you've two then it's plenty.

Addle

facehugger99 wrote: »

I've a lot of acquaintances but probably only 2 people (not including the wife) I could call at 2.30am in the morning to come and bail me out of prison, which is how you can define a close friendship.

Me too. It's about quality rather than quantity as I've gotten older. Other than my OH, there's just 1 person I'd totally trust.

MichaelJD

Don't you think the lesser the number the better? And besides, friendship is not always about the numbers. If you can build true friendship with a few people, that would be better than having text mates who add  zero value in your life.

leggo

I mean as you grow older you shed a lot of people just for time’s sake because life becomes busier and it’s tougher to keep in touch, plus time with family becomes more valuable than time with friends so they become your friends so to speak. You’re on here for a reason, though, so obviously you feel something is missing. Luckily there are loads of things on nowadays that can help people in that situation. Pursue events and social things in your area relative to your interests, I run a business literally based around this kind of niche area designed to have people meet up and make friends, so it’s out there and is one of the positives of social media. There’s a hole there and you’re smart and self-aware enough to realise it, so figure out what exactly that is then simply fill it, and try not to fill it with just drinking or anything that can be destructive like many do.

klm1

facehugger99 wrote: »

I've a lot of acquaintances but probably only 2 people (not including the wife) I could call at 2.30am in the morning to come and bail me out of prison, which is how you can define a close friendship.

I totally agree that this is a good definition of a friend, my issue here is, I wouldn't or couldn't call either of them at 2.30 am to come get me out of prison. They are friends, in the loosest term of the word. My missus is my only 'close friend'

_Brian wrote: »

Is this concerning you for any particular reason ??
It’s not a number game, it’s much more about true friendship.

I wouldn't say it's concerning me, I think what's happening is that I've never been overly sociable, not really understanding people, finding them complex and irritating, I've tended to stay away from them most of my life, being very much 'the loner'. Now as I'm a little older, mid 40's, I think I'm more sociable and would like to have at least a few friends, even of the acquaintance type, who I could go have a beer with, watch a match etc...

Patww79 wrote: »

I did the moving thing too but never made any effort to stay in touch with work friends etc once I moved again because it never lasts anyway so best to just nip it quick. I work alone now so I've none at all but it wouldn't be anything that would bother me as people are a complete pox (though I realise not everyone sees that). Thankfully the Mrs doesn't push me to be friends with her friends husband's either as 'making friends' as an adult is really weird.

I'd say if you've two then it's plenty.

Agree completely, worked alone for 8 years myself and found it great as I didn't have to deal with work personalities/relationships.

Addle wrote: »

Me too. It's about quality rather than quantity as I've gotten older. Other than my OH, there's just 1 person I'd totally trust.

I trust my missus completely, other than that, I wouldn't extend that trust to my 2 friends.


I'm not sure where this has really come from, some of your answers have made me think about that some more. I'm not close to my family, we're just not that type of family. My missus is very close to her family and has a huge group of friends, some of which she could really rely on for anything, I guess that's maybe made me think a little on my own situation, and possibly made me envious.

I never would have considered 'having friends' as a point on which I would rate my life, or the value/enjoyment I get from my life, but as I've started to change things lately to improve my health/wellbeing, as well as being a little older and more sociable, it's occurred to me that friends might well be something I would enjoy and appreciate.

That sounds ridiculous now that I've written it.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Posting from phone without logging, so I'm going to be quick.
I'm pushing 40 now, and while I'm grand at chatting to new people I rarely make friends.
Looking at the past the best way I ended up with new friends was to get involved in organizing events.
This gives you an actual reason to contact the people involved again.
You can't really make a fast friend by chatting to some randomer, with out having a reason to talk at a later time.

Join a club/group and get involved not just with the activities in that club but in helping out.

No person I worked with in random job is still a friend I'd ring for a chat, but people who I ran non work things with remained friend much longer.