Leaving an almost 17 year old at home for a week?

Hannaho

Hi! My daughter does not want to come on our next family holiday in February. She will be almost 17 then - 2 months from it. We had booked a holiday away in Italy for mid-term. She has booked and paid for a pool lifeguard course then, and doesn't want to come with us because of this. Holiday was booked first. She's sensible, but I'm wary of leaving her here while the rest of us or on holiday. We have a French student staying with us for a year, and she will be here then also, and she is 17. Would like to know what others might do here. I'm contemplating cancelling the holiday, but then her siblings are going to be upset.

never_mind

Personally, I don't think your teenager daughter is old enough to be alone in a house for that amount of time, particularly with the French student. What if the French student decides to bring people back after class and has a party? What if there is an accident and the French student has to look after your daughter or vice verse? I would tell your daughter that she isn't old enough yet to be on her own for that amount of time. Tell her to reschedule her training and to go on the holiday... When she is over 18 (which, in fairness, is a big jump - each year, developmentally, is massive for young adults), she can live independently.

LegacyUser

I had moved out of home in country side and move to to Dublin start college when I was that age (i moved mid summer and turned 17 mid September) so saying all near 17 year olds aren't responsible isn't true. My parents would never had let my brother do the same because they knew him and knew me. OP doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet say, only you know your daughter and wither she's sensible enough or not.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

Only you know your daughter well enough to know the answer. I was alone half the week from 15 and for two weeks+ at 16.

BrokenArrows

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! My daughter does not want to come on our next family holiday in February. She will be almost 17 then - 2 months from it. We had booked a holiday away in Italy for mid-term. She has booked and paid for a pool lifeguard course then, and doesn't want to come with us because of this. Holiday was booked first. She's sensible, but I'm wary of leaving her here while the rest of us or on holiday. We have a French student staying with us for a year, and she will be here then also, and she is 17. Would like to know what others might do here. I'm contemplating cancelling the holiday, but then her siblings are going to be upset.

So shes 16. She will be unable to avoid having a party, i know i would definitely have had a party.

Also you have an underage french student which you are i would assume responsible for. Surely you are not allowed to leave while hosting someone elses kid?

TheBoyConor

I was not only left at home but also left to manage the day to day running of a farm for over a week at 17 years old. Farm, house and myself were all still standing.

The Pheasant2

You'd know better than anyone knowing what your daughter is like.

For example I used to always take advantage of a free gaff to throw a party. An ambulance did have to be called to one but generally they were grand, only the odd broken cups/glasses.

I always did a good clean up job and never got caught bar once when it didn't occur to me to mop the cloakroom floor and it was all sticky.

Basically if your daughter is generally quiet/sensible you'll be fine leaving her. Otherwise I'd be wary she'll throw a party.

Ghekko

My son turned 17 this summer. I'd have left him overnight with a friend staying over, but wouldn't have left him for a week. Do you have relatives in the area who could check in on her?

Also I wouldn't leave an underage student for a week. At the end of the day you are responsible for them during their stay.

shesty

I'd actually have more concern about you leaving the French student.I'm sure they are ok to be left but they are your responsibility and someone else's child.Your daughter...mmm, knowing the lifeguard course, she will be busy enough, and she mightn't get another slot on it for a few months.Really only you can answer that one I suppose.

zoe 3619

If she did come with you,,would you be leaving the exchange student home alone?
Totally depends on the indivdual though-I left my 15 year old son at home for 5 days during the summer.He loved the bit of trust and independance,minded all the pets and coped well.He's sensable with no interest in partying.
I did have have a support system in place though,with friends and neighbours popping round a couple of times a day.

irishlady29

I would think you would need to get approval from parents of the student first. They may not like their child left alone without supervision
Also, I think your daughter should go on the holiday. Personally I think its too young.

Errr, she will be like 18 in 1 year and is then an adult. Can move out, drink, smoke, move to Australia, do whatever she wants.

I think she'll survive a week alone.

Too many teenagers are wrapped in cotton wool these days and they are not prepared for the world as a result.

wiggle16

never_mind wrote: »

What if the French student decides to bring people back after class and has a party

Stuff like this would be the main clincher for me. You have someone else under 18 in your home. Like I'm not being snarky or anything but did you book the holiday knowing this girl was going to be staying?? Your daughter might be the most sensible person in the world, but I'm sure the French girl's family did not anticipate that their daughter might be left alone in a foreign country for a week while her host family goes away. What if something happened to her while you were away? She would be alone like. That by itself is reason enough to rethink the whole idea.

1) You know your daughter better than anyone. She might be sensible but if you are having doubts about whether she would get on okay by herself for a week then the doubts would be enough for me too call time on the idea.

2) Even if your daughter is completely straight laced and self-sufficient, you don't really know this student in the same way at all or what she is capable of handling, how she would cope with an emergency or if she can be trusted to look after your house.

3) If you leave your daughter at home, forget about enjoying your holiday. If you're worried about it now imagine what you will be like when you get to Italy.

never_mind wrote: »

When she is over 18 (which, in fairness, is a big jump - each year, developmentally, is massive for young adults), she can live independently.

4) This is spot on ^^^^ Personally I think 17 is fine to be left alone for a week, but it depends entirely on the kid, some just don't have the wherewithal to look after themselves while others are just fine. I would have been very, very independent at 17, but that said, 17 is not as old nowadays as it once was. The duration of childhood has been extended in the West. My grandmother was married at 18 and had been running a household since she was 14 at that stage, because that was the level of responsibility expected at that age at the time. 17 year olds are not expected to be that independent now and so most have little experience of real responsibility - I would guess your daughter is the same if you are unsure.

Would it be conceivable to bring both of them with you? I would then get your daughter to cancel the course and start later.

If not, I'd cancel the holiday. Your daughter might be well able to look after herself, but you can't leave that other girl alone for a week in a country that's not her own.

Joeseph Balls

I was renting a house at 17, 13 years ago.
All depends on the person.
I would not, however, be leaving the exchange student on her own

ConnyMcDavid

Can't believe the French student was going to be left alone and only seems an after thought in the op. Unless you have an agreement with her family?

shesty

It's not that she couldn't be left alone, I mean she's abroad for a year so I'm sure she's fine.It's just you're responsible for her and her family have placed their trust in you to be responsible for her.It's one thing to make decisions like this as regards your own child, but a whole other thing to be making a decision like this when someone else's child is involved.

Teyla Emmagan

Do not cancel the holiday. Put your foot down and tell your 16 year old that she is going. She can do her life guarding course another time. A week is far too long to leave her home alone in my opinion. And if you are acting in loco parentis for that French student you should be bringing them too.

zoe 3619

Do you maybe have a friend or relative could stay with them at night and keep an eye?
Please don't cancel the holiday.Italy is lovely.

LegacyUser

Whatever about your own child. You are BEING PAID to look after someone else’s child and thinking of leaving them behind? Irrespective of age you’d want to be damn sure and in writing that parents are both ok with and fully understand the situation.

Kerry25x

I had barely turned 17 when I left home for college and moved across the country. We had no transition year in my school so most of my classmates were 17 moving away for college some even went to England/Scotland on their own. Plenty 17 year olds moving out of home. If she's fairly responsible then she'll be grand for a week on her own and she has the course keeping her busy too.

Teyla Emmagan

Kerry25x wrote:

Plenty 17 year olds moving out of home.

That used to be the case but it isn't now. Now kids are at least 18 leaving school, nearly 19 even. And they are totally different. They are more emotionally mature than before and far less practically capable. They could talk all day about the sexual exploitation of minors, human trafficking and emerging technologies but they can't do a shop in Tesco, treat a scald or react in an emergency. They are more cosseted and becoming self sufficient later. Now when they move out for college they move into shared student accommodation where they have substitute parents. It's almost a continuation. Times have changed and teenagers are expected to become independent adults later than previously. Which is fine but responsibity needs to then be given gradually. You would be better starting with a weekend alone at that age.

Big Bag of Chips

Ask whoever you've arranged with (and will pay) to look after the French student, that you've agreed to be responsible for for the year, if they will also look after your daughter. If you have not made arrangements for the student then I suggest you cancel the holiday.

RhubarbCrumble

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

That used to be the case but it isn't now. Now kids are at least 18 leaving school, nearly 19 even. And they are totally different. They are more emotionally mature than before and far less practically capable. They could talk all day about the sexual exploitation of minors, human trafficking and emerging technologies but they can't do a shop in Tesco, treat a scald or react in an emergency. They are more cosseted and becoming self sufficient later. Now when they move out for college they move into shared student accommodation where they have substitute parents. It's almost a continuation. Times have changed and teenagers are expected to become independent adults later than previously. Which is fine but responsibity needs to then be given gradually. You would be better starting with a weekend alone at that age.

Absolutely spot on.

When I was 17 (about 20 years ago) I know I would have been absolutely fine to stay home on my own for a week. I was well able to cook for myself and work washing machines, iron, hoover etc.

Now however I look at my almost 17 year old niece and think that things have changed and not always for the better. When her parents went away for a DAY earlier on this year, her grandmother stayed in the house to 'mind' her and her 14 year old brother! :eek:

OP, only you know how mature your daughter is and whether or not she's responsible enough to stay at home on her own for a week. The fact that she has booked and paid for a course herself and now doesn't want to miss it, would suggest to me that she is however.
I don't know what the story is with the exchange student though, so I'd probably be more concerned with that at the moment.

Neyite

I was left out of a family holiday at that age due to work commitments. My parents were convinced I'd destroy the place but the worst I did was invite 4 trusted friends over for a movie night and pizza.

They still got lots of their friends to 'drop by' to keep an eye on me though!

But that was long before facebook and things going viral. How would your daughter cope with the likes of this happening? She could be the most sensible 17yo on the planet but if some troublemakers from school decide to invade your home en masse there's going to be damage done and not much she could do to prevent it.

Do you have an older relative who could help house sit? An aunt/ older cousin?- that way you've got a responsible adult in situ for the student as well.

meeeeh

I would have no problem leaving an average 16 year old at home for a week. But I think it's crazy to leave someone else's 17 year old in the house with the 16 year old or alone. That's irresponsible, you don't know them and they don't have the support structure in the country if something goes wrong.

Paddy Cow

Only you know if your daughter is mature enough to be left on her own but you shouldn't be leaving the French student. She'd probably be grand but if anything happened and you were on holiday, I imagine you would be in deep sh!t.

Could you change the name on the ticket and bring the French student with you?

MissShihTzu

No on both counts. You are responsible for someone's else's minor child as well as your own.

As your daughter is 17, you own the air she breathes until she turns 18! After that? She can decide for herself. But how is the situation with the minor student to be handled? Will they go home and return when you do? You need to sort that out first.

Your daughter? Your house, your rules until she is 18. Sorry!

orthsquel

It's not really clear from the OP if the French student was supposed to be going on the holiday too and was planned for that. Is the French student meant to be going home during mid-term?

Either way, a 16 gong on 17 year old would be fine on their own, with some household money and people to call on if anything goes wrong, and someone to check in on them, as long as your daughter is the sort of person who is fairly capable to look after herself and ask for help, lifts, etc.

I would not leave a French student teen in the responsibility of a 16 year old who is going to be busy doing a course. I would not also leave an older teen from another country (no matter how mature and capable) on their own to look after the house and a teen of similar age. The only way to two of them should be in the house is if there's an adult (aunt, granny etc) to supervise and look after them and be a presence in the house.

You only know your daughter and what she is like. I would not recommend that a 17 year old teen from another country is left to their own devices, or in the responsibility of another teen, or being responsible for another teen. If the French student is meant to be in Ireland with a host family, then she should either be accommodated by another host family for the duration of the holiday or be taken on holiday instead of the daughter, or goes home at mid term.

Purple Mountain

Personally no.
Your daughter is only 16.
I remember being 16 very vividly.
If I was told I had a free house for a week there would have been an invite to my friends to stay over for a few nights, I probably wouldn't have gone to school some days, on the weekends I'd get an older teenager to source me drink for a house party and I'm sure the lad I fancied at 16 would have been included in my invite list.
Would my parents think I would have done such a thing? Never! Because 16 year olds never tell their parents the unvarnished truth.
And I say that as a parent of an almost teen now myself. He could swear on every bible in the county that he'd behave himself if I gave him free reign for a week but unfortunately for me, I have a long and clear memory and remember all too well the shenanigans an unsupervised teenager would get up to.
And if he was on an exchange programme to France and I learned he was left in a house with no adults for a week, I'd be on the next plane over there to bring him home.

Joeseph Balls

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Absolutely spot on.

When I was 17 (about 20 years ago) I know I would have been absolutely fine to stay home on my own for a week. I was well able to cook for myself and work washing machines, iron, hoover etc.

Now however I look at my almost 17 year old niece and think that things have changed and not always for the better. When her parents went away for a DAY earlier on this year, her grandmother stayed in the house to 'mind' her and her 14 year old brother! :eek:

OP, only you know how mature your daughter is and whether or not she's responsible enough to stay at home on her own for a week. The fact that she has booked and paid for a course herself and now doesn't want to miss it, would suggest to me that she is however.
I don't know what the story is with the exchange student though, so I'd probably be more concerned with that at the moment.

Your generalising. Only the op knows her daughter Not all 17 year olds are the same 'nowadays'.
My nephew who is 17 couldn't be left alone for a week, he would probably close to die. But my 15 yr old niece would nearly run the home on her own.
And if all the 17 year olds you know can't wipe their arse, it's their parents problem, not theirs.

kingbhome

17, I would have had a party and had female friends over for some erotic adventures if my parents left me alone in the house. In fact they did twice and what a time it was. 99% of the people I know would have done the same.

up for anything

This is why young adults are referred to as young adults and not adults! If they don't get the chance to be independent while still at home then it's a poor lookout for them when they leave for college or move out for work. When does one learn the skills to look after one's self, surroundings and morals - it'll be a disaster if it's left till their first term in college. Life lessons are called that for a reason. No one listens to the voices of experience.

I assume you have the foreign student's parents' permission to leave her behind in which case they'll at least have company in the house at night if they're not out partying.

Last night my four-year-old grandson fell out of bed and broke his collarbone. He was riding his bike like a lunatic and climbing trees all afternoon in front of my Dad, his grandfather, who kept telling him to be careful. You can't wrap them up in cotton wool and you can't cover every eventuality. That's life!

leggo

Yeah, for me I'd go along with everyone saying the exchange student is the variable here. Their parents are paying to have someone caring for you, if having students is something you plan to continue doing then you could run into problems once the parents find out you left them alone for a holiday, they could hit the roof (I know I would, you're essentially making the decision you're stuck with now for their child, and it's a big decision, without their permission or say-so). That's before you even consider the implications of leaving someone with no massive attachment to you in your house with only another teenager as the safeguard from them ****ing everything up! That alone would be enough for me.

As for your daughter, I was left home alone at 16. The last day of fifth year exams, I remember it well in spite of myself. I was twisted drunk by around 6pm. I had a huuuuuge house party that got way out of control and caused murder with the neighbours when the road filled with people because I was too drunk to control it all. I remember even leaving the house for an hour or so and appointing a mate as 'in charge' of the party while I went out to shift a girl I liked and try bring her back. When I woke up the next morning, my uncle came down, saw a DJ decks in the kitchen and a mirror with a load of coke remnants on it (I didn't take any for the record but lads who were there did). The light was pulled out of its socket and one of the curtains was pulled down and left folded up in the utility room (which I thought was fairly sound tbh).

I got an absolute bollocking from my normally mild-mannered uncle and we had to do a whole DIY operation to put the house back together again. My parents got in the door to find the place all fixed up and sparkling and asked, "Jaysus, who fixed the light and the curtain?!" Yep, they were broke before the party we just didn't clock it. They then checked the answering machine and heard a message of me drunk (it was one of those machines where, if you picked up after it went off, it recorded the call) telling a mate not to come over because it was too crazy and the gig was up.

They probably would've sworn blind before they left that I wouldn't do it and, even if I would, the safeguards they'd put in place would stop it from happening. Oh I found a way, teenagers always can.

Look, ultimately I lived and that's now just a funny family story we have, I look back on it all fondly and it was character building. But would I sign off on any future kids of mine to do the same? Hell no, someone could've easily died if things had gone a different way! We thought we were adults but we were idiots!

PippaChic

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I was not only left at home but also left to manage the day to day running of a farm for over a week at 17 years old. Farm, house and myself were all still standing.

Same here at 17, plus taking care of 4 younger siblings. We all survived.

However, I would not leave her in charge of an exchange student, can this student go elsewhere?

PawneeRanger

Leaving aside the issue of the exchange student (which you really need to resolve OP) I would be very annoyed if my 16 year old was acting so defiantly. You said the holiday was already booked and then she went ahead and paid for a life-guard course? Was she aware of the dates of the holiday?
Do you often allow your 16 year old to behave this way?
Not exactly a sign of maturity.


You're going to have all the "I was so mature at 17" posters here telling you she'll be grand. Maybe she will. But why should she be rewarded for crappy behaviour?
Your house, your rules.

Ave Sodalis

Teyla Emmagan wrote:

That used to be the case but it isn't now.

I've just turned 24 and would have left home for college when I had just turned 17. My cousin was 16. Both of us went to the same city on the other end of the country. There were plenty there at college at 17. I wasn't even the youngest person I knew in my year.

As others have said OP, you know your daughter. However, like others, I would find leaving an exchange student that you don't really know alone for a week to be far more of a concern.

Eimee90

I can’t believe there is such little regard for the exchange student in the OP. If I had travelled abroad to a host family , my parents would want to be assured that the environment was safe and family orientated. I’m guessing that’s why they didn’t pitch her up in a hostel for the year.

If you are paid to take on this responsibility, you should honor it.

ShaShaBear

PawneeRanger wrote: »

You're going to have all the "I was so mature at 17" posters here telling you she'll be grand. Maybe she will. But why should she be rewarded for crappy behaviour?
Your house, your rules.

As far as "reward" goes, being told she cannot do her lifeguard course and is being forced to go on an all-expenses paid holiday to Italy doesn't exactly seem like a punishment. Its altogether possible that the parents were told repeatedly that she wanted to do this and didn't want to go on the holiday and they went ahead and booked it anyway.
I'm in my 30s now and can still VIVIDLY remember all the things my parents forced me to do against my wishes because they thought they knew best.

PawneeRanger

ShaShaBear wrote: »

As far as "reward" goes, being told she cannot do her lifeguard course and is being forced to go on an all-expenses paid holiday to Italy doesn't exactly seem like a punishment. Its altogether possible that the parents were told repeatedly that she wanted to do this and didn't want to go on the holiday and they went ahead and booked it anyway.

And why wouldn't they book it? She's 16. She's still a child. Children don't get to dictate what a family does.

skallywag

Hannaho wrote: »

...She has booked and paid for a pool lifeguard course then, and doesn't want to come with us because of this...

The cynic in me would say that she did this intentionally in order to use it as a reason to get out of the holiday and to have the house to herself for the week.

At least it's along the lines of the way I would have been thinking at that age :pac:

SusanC10

Not a chance would I leave a 16 year old alone for a week. I remember being 16 - enough said!

Also the Exchange Student. No way would I leave her alone. If my child was on an exchange and I found out that the host family left for a week I would not be happy.

Tbh I would put my parenting foot down. You booked the family holiday first. Your daughter is still a child.

Big Bag of Chips

OP hasn't been back since starting the thread. I think plenty of advice and opinion has been offered at this point.

Thread locked.