Friend made a fool of me

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 7:48am #1

I recently had a night out with two mates for my birthday. I've only recently decided to start dating again after a break up. One of my friends made a couple of remarks like "if you want to wear a booby top then I won't" "if you see anyone you like tell me and I'll stay away" these comments annoyed me but I let them slide.

There was three of us. We were having a great night chatting and dancing. I started to notice in the bar we were in that guys were looking at me and not in the "come hither" way. Coming up to the end of the night one guy came up to me and said "your friend is telling guys that you were dumped and we should hit on you" I wanted the ground to swallow me up with embarrassment. I'm in my 30's I don't appreciate this humiliation. We left and there was a few words said on the way home she said she just wanted guys to like me etc etc etc. I've never felt so embarrassed but also so angry that my friend of many years thinks so little of me that i need to be pimped out for me to get a guy.
Roll on two weeks and the third friends has asked her why she didn't apologise and she said "I did apologise outside the bar if she wants to talk she can get in touch to accept"
Wtf, i don't recall an apology but I deserve to be treated with a little respect instead of getting the cold shoulder and made feel like I done something when I didn't.
Any advice?

Xterminator · 13-09-2018 8:01am

Hi Op

you say this person is your friend. If they are a genuine friend who you care about and respect, then that friendship is valuable.

But if you say friend but meant acquaintance or 'frenemy' type relationship then you are less invested in the relationship.

the reason i differentiate is because if someone was a real friend i wouldn't let my pride get in the way. i'd meet up one to one with then and talk honestly over a coffee and let them know that you were mortified & felt humiliated. As a real friend they wouldn't have wanted that and a good honest chat should resolve it. your not trying to score points or let your circle of friends know she was in the wrong, its a direct honest approach.

if this person doesnt mean that much to you then perhaps you will act differently. I will tell you one thing, the 'cold shoulder' is unlikely to produce any result or bring about a genuine apology.

So ask yourself what do you want? Do you want to just cut this person out? if so - do it. Let your friends know if shes going to be there you wont, and see where the chips fall. But i think i'd want to speak to the person ad put my point across.

'What you did made me feel ****ty - and i didnt appreciate it, dont ever do that again'

. But then i do tend to prefer the blunt approach, and its not for everyone.

when you say you don't recall any apology, is it possible you got one but alcohol etc has left the night a little hazy? does the 3rd friend have a better recall of the events?

ncmc · 13-09-2018 8:11am

I dunno OP, I think you might be over reacting a bit on this one. It sounds to me like she didn’t set out to embarrass you or humiliate you, but to maybe give you a little confidence boost after a break up. It was a bit of a ham fisted way to go about it, but I reckon her motives were good. I think you need to let her know it was embarrassing but accept that she didn’t mean any harm by it and don’t let it spoil a good friendship.

Addle · 13-09-2018 8:18am

You might want to get your tits out so you can pull???
She thinks she needs to get out of your way so you can meet someone, so she thinks no one would choose you over her? It's a wonder she's single...
She's trying to undermine you OP. She has no respect for you.
IMO, don't waste another second on her, in her company or thinking about her.
She's not your friend.

GingerLily · 13-09-2018 8:22am

Is it an isolated incident? If so I'd let it slide, if she has a habit of this then you probably need a bit of space from her

Addle · 13-09-2018 8:24am

My guess is, now that you've realised what she's like, you'll be more aware of her behaviour and realise it happens a lot.

TheBoyConor · 13-09-2018 8:51am

You're in your 30s!
From reading what happened it sounded like some sort of teenage disco mean girls drama.

Your friend sounds very immature.

Plopsu · 13-09-2018 8:53am

When dealing with well intentioned idiocy, I find it helps to focus on the 'well intentioned' bit rather than the 'idiocy' bit.

Addle · 13-09-2018 9:00am

Plopsu wrote: »

When dealing with well intentioned idiocy, I find it helps to focus on the 'well intentioned' bit rather than the 'idiocy' bit.

There was nothing well intentioned about it.
Her so called friend was just trying to undermine the OP.

GingerLily · 13-09-2018 9:02am

Addle wrote: »

There was nothing well intentioned about it.
Her do called friend was just trying to undermine the OP.

You are taking this very personally and projecting quite a bit here

Plopsu · 13-09-2018 9:02am

Addle wrote: »

There was nothing well intentioned about it.
Her do called friend was just trying to undermine the OP.

I don't agree. I don't see any malice in what's written above, just clumsiness.

Addle · 13-09-2018 9:04am

GingerLily wrote: »

You are taking this very personally and projecting quite a bit here

I am, because I've experienced something very similar.
There are people out there who try to make themselves feel better by undermining others.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 9:05am

I don't doubt she may have been trying to get my confidence up but it done the opposite and embarrassed me. Her saying it's up to me to reach out is stupid. I deserve an apaolgy for her ruining my birthday and mortifying me in front of loads of people.

Yes she's a good friend but she also knows me v v well and knows this would embarrassed me. I can get my own men I don't need a man's pity.

Addle · 13-09-2018 9:06am

Plopsu wrote: »

I don't agree. I don't see any malice in what's written above, just clumsiness.

This is not clumsy..,
"One of my friends made a couple of remarks like "if you want to wear a booby top then I won't" "if you see anyone you like tell me and I'll stay away" these comments annoyed me but I let them slide."

GingerLily · 13-09-2018 9:06am

Addle wrote: »

I am, because I've experienced something very similar.
There are people out there who try to make themselves feel better by undermining others.

Your assuming it's the same, it could easily be once off, you're projecting here

Addle · 13-09-2018 9:08am

GingerLily wrote: »

Your assuming it's the same, it could easily be once off, you're projecting here

Is a lot of opinion provided not based on experience?

OP, I don't think she was trying to boost your confidence. I think the exact opposite. She probably doesn't want you to meet someone new before she does.

Idle Passerby · 13-09-2018 9:29am

I don't think her intentions were entirely well meaning. She's in her 30's, a 15 year old would find the friends "help" embarrassing. Sounds like the friend is insecure or finds OPs single status threatening for some reason.

I don't think there's much point playing chicken with her over an apology, she reckons she's given one so there's a stalemate. If you want to salvage the friendship you'll have to approach her yourself, but do it with a calm conversation reiterating your embarrassment over her inappropriate behaviour. Her reaction will let you know if she's worth staying friends with.

Teyla Emmagan · 13-09-2018 9:39am

Sazsazcool wrote:

"if you want to wear a booby top then I won't" "if you see anyone you like tell me and I'll stay away" these comments annoyed me but I let them slide.

Wow, that's hilarious

How gracious of her! Your friend clearly sees herself as God's gift. I take it she is on the prowl? She obviously sees you as competition OP, this all says much more about her than it does about you. She is insecure and does not actually want to be out with someone who might steal all the men away from her. She sounds like a right eejit to be honest. More to be pitied than reviled.

B0jangles · 13-09-2018 9:57am

At best her behaviour was extremely clumsy and immature, at worst she was actively undermining you, or maybe trying to get in first so she could claim credit if one of the guy did actually make a move on you - you know the kind of thing - ' he wouldn't have gone near you if I hadn't said something, I'm such a matchmaker!'.

The fact that she doesn't seem to think there was anything wrong with how she behaved just makes it worse - anyone can make a mistake but someone who refuses to acknowledge that they even made a mistake is just exhausting and infuriating to be around (in my experience, anyway).

sallysue2 · 13-09-2018 10:39am

hmm as someone who has made a lot of clumsy remarks in the past, I could very easily have said something like that without meaning to cause offence. My close friends have gotten used to me now but there was a time when I had a lot of people call me up on things and I would be genuinely upset that I had upset people I care about, it would never be my intention, my intentions would always been good.

Just a point to note, the dynamic of the group has changed recently, you are newly single. She is single. so nights out may be a little different.

As a few have mentioned then I would have a one on one chat with her. If she feels she has already apologised then I would let that bit go, and ask her going forward not to do that. and that you don't need her help and you felt mortified. If it happens again, then a different approach will be needed.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 10:49am

sallysue2 wrote: »

hmm as someone who has made a lot of clumsy remarks in the past, I could very easily have said something like that without meaning to cause offence. My close friends have gotten used to me now but there was a time when I had a lot of people call me up on things and I would be genuinely upset that I had upset people I care about, it would never be my intention, my intentions would always been good.

Just a point to note, the dynamic of the group has changed recently, you are newly single. She is single. so nights out may be a little different.

As a few have mentioned then I would have a one on one chat with her. If she feels she has already apologised then I would let that bit go, and ask her going forward not to do that. and that you don't need her help and you felt mortified. If it happens again, then a different approach will be needed.

She's telling someone else she apologised though and she hasn't apologised to me. Telling someone else that she realizes she shouldn't of done it isn't much good when I'm the one she done it to.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 10:51am

B0jangles wrote: »

At best her behaviour was extremely clumsy and immature, at worst she was actively undermining you, or maybe trying to get in first so she could claim credit if one of the guy did actually make a move on you - you know the kind of thing - ' he wouldn't have gone near you if I hadn't said something, I'm such a matchmaker!'.

The fact that she doesn't seem to think there was anything wrong with how she behaved just makes it worse - anyone can make a mistake but someone who refuses to acknowledge that they even made a mistake is just exhausting and infuriating to be around (in my experience, anyway).

Exactly. I'd be happy enough with an apology even though it's been two weeks now and she's clearly too stubborn to admit she shouldn't of done that.
All she had to do was say sorry the next day and that would of been it. I'm still embarrassed thinking of those lads looking at me and not knowing why. I feel absolutely inadequate after it like my own friends don't even think I'll ever find another man.

Faith · 13-09-2018 10:53am

Your reaction seems quite extreme, tbh. How long have you been out of the relationship and how long was it? Is it possible you’re not ready to start dating again?

sallysue2 · 13-09-2018 10:55am

Sazsazcool wrote: »

She's telling someone else she apologised though and she hasn't apologised to me. Telling someone else that she realizes she shouldn't of done it isn't much good when I'm the one she done it to.

Apologies, I misread your OP, I thought you were unhappy with the apology she gave that night.

Sazsazcool wrote: »

I feel absolutely inadequate after it like my own friends don't even think I'll ever find another man.

Do you really think your friends think that? Is it something that you are afraid of after the breakup because its natural to feel like that after a breakup.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2018 10:56am

Sazsazcool wrote: »

She's telling someone else she apologised though and she hasn't apologised to me. Telling someone else that she realizes she shouldn't of done it isn't much good when I'm the one she done it to.

She thinks she apologised on the night - could too much drink be at play for one or both of you in this in remembering things differently.

Idle Passerby · 13-09-2018 11:04am

You've got no reason to feel inadequate OP. The only embarrassing part is that you have a friend who thinks that saying "will you chat up my friend she's just been dumped" to adult men in a bar is a reasonable way for a grown woman to carry on. Guaranteed those men thought she was a fool and were only looking because the whole thing is so immature.

She made you look a fool by association but the apology isn't important, making sure it doesn't happen again is the bit to focus on.

Plopsu · 13-09-2018 12:48pm

Addle wrote: »

This is not clumsy..,
"One of my friends made a couple of remarks like "if you want to wear a booby top then I won't" "if you see anyone you like tell me and I'll stay away" these comments annoyed me but I let them slide."

The very model of clumsiness. Not trying to outshine her or get in her way but making a mess of the presentation of same (and not checking that the OP was even interested in going on the pull was mighty pushy). Still not seeing any malice.

facehugger99 · 13-09-2018 1:16pm

The phrase 'mountain out of a molehill' springs to mind.

If you value the friendship more than your bruised pride, it's time to let it go.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 1:34pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

The phrase 'mountain out of a molehill' springs to mind.

If you value the friendship more than your bruised pride, it's time to let it go.

I'll never understand this attitude. She hurt and embarrassed ME. Yet I'm the one that supposed to ask for forgiveness?
I don't actually care what she done. I would of let it go had she just apologised the next morning.
A mutual friend has spoke to her and she said she shouldn't of done it yet won't say that to me.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 1:36pm

can't log in wrote: »

She thinks she apologised on the night - could too much drink be at play for one or both of you in this in remembering things differently.

Surely if you are sorry you apologise when you are sober?
I've no memory of her apologising it may not of even happened.

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 1:42pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

you say this person is your friend. If they are a genuine friend who you care about and respect, then that friendship is valuable.

But if you say friend but meant acquaintance or 'frenemy' type relationship then you are less invested in the relationship.

the reason i differentiate is because if someone was a real friend i wouldn't let my pride get in the way. i'd meet up one to one with then and talk honestly over a coffee and let them know that you were mortified & felt humiliated. As a real friend they wouldn't have wanted that and a good honest chat should resolve it. your not trying to score points or let your circle of friends know she was in the wrong, its a direct honest approach.

if this person doesnt mean that much to you then perhaps you will act differently. I will tell you one thing, the 'cold shoulder' is unlikely to produce any result or bring about a genuine apology.

So ask yourself what do you want? Do you want to just cut this person out? if so - do it. Let your friends know if shes going to be there you wont, and see where the chips fall. But i think i'd want to speak to the person ad put my point across. . But then i do tend to prefer the blunt approach, and its not for everyone.

when you say you don't recall any apology, is it possible you got one but alcohol etc has left the night a little hazy? does the 3rd friend have a better recall of the events?

It's not me giving her the cold shoulder. I normally hear from her everyday. She's been giving me the cold shoulder since the night. She made it into something big instead of just say OMG so sorry it made you feel that way. Any mature adult can see when they do something wrong and she apparently no can see it too but won't admit it to me

LegacyUser · 13-09-2018 1:51pm

Sazsazcool wrote: »

Surely if you are sorry you apologise when you are sober?
I've no memory of her apologising it may not of even happened.

maybe she was sober or thought she was. Sounds like you are both being super stubborn over this so your choices are simple OP give up on the friendship and move on or agree everyone over reacted that night and move on.

LLMMLL · 13-09-2018 3:28pm

Holding out for apologies is the one guaranteed way to end friendships.

Sounds like you hashed it out on your way home and she tried to explain. She probably sees that as an apology or conceding her error and doesn’t want to contact you to be chided again.

You’re free to hold out for an apology that may never come OP, just be aware that it may never come and may be the end of your friendship. Fairness and “why should I have to....” doesn’t really come into it.

Ande1975 · 13-09-2018 3:31pm

facehugger99 wrote: »

The phrase 'mountain out of a molehill' springs to mind.

If you value the friendship more than your bruised pride, it's time to let it go.

She wasn't the one who was condescending to her friend and then went around asking men to chat her up because she was recently dumped.
Anyone who says the OP is over reacting or posters are projecting just don't seem to understand this.

Forget whether or not the Op is ready to date or not. She wanted to go out for her birthday. Her friend came across like she's God's gift to men and then to go around telling guys to chat her up. If my friend ever did that I would lose my nut.

Imagine if she did meet someone that night, had a bit of fun, liked him only to find out he did it because her friend asked him to take pity on her? Ugh.

OP, your friend is childish and it doesn't go away (even into your 40s I hate to say) so I'd be the bigger person. Call her, meet her, explain to her how it made you feel and if the shoe was on the other foot but that you don't appreciate being treated like an infant. That is if you still want to have her as a friend.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-09-2018 4:04pm

So what do you want from this thread? It's obvious you're still quite angry and not in a forgiving mood. Do you want your friend back or has she crossed a line?

Sazsazcool · 13-09-2018 4:11pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So what do you want from this thread? It's obvious you're still quite angry and not in a forgiving mood. Do you want your friend back or has she crossed a line?

I don't really wanna gain anything from this thread I just wanted some back up that I'm not imagining her behavior was uncalled for.

I'm in my 30s as I said and I'm fed up of people being assholes and being too stubborn to admit it. If the roles were reversed I would of woke up the next morning and apologised. Instead she sat in my house knowing I was upset and said nothing

Ursus Horribilis · 13-09-2018 4:37pm

Look, it doesn't matter what anyone here thinks and who backs you up. You stand to lose someone you earlier described as being a good friend. If it's a one off, extend the hand of friendship and sort this out pronto. If it's part of a repeated pattern, then maybe she's not the friend you thought she was. Reading this I can't figure out where I stand because it's all to do with context and what sort of person she is. It's telling that opinion here is divided. Maybe you need to look at the grey areas too.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2018 5:15pm

Sazsazcool wrote: »

I don't really wanna gain anything from this thread I just wanted some back up that I'm not imagining her behavior was uncalled for.

OP no one here can 'back you up' as none of us was there and we are only getting your side of the story. I'm sure if your 'friend' posted they would spin things the other way so ask yourself do you want to stay friends with this person then either drop it or try to talk about it or else just don't bother with them anymore .... simples.

Goose76 · 13-09-2018 6:48pm

I would be on the side of those who think you may be over reacting here, OP.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant well. I think part of friendship sometimes is giving friends the benefit of the doubt. You haven’t mentioned her ever being sneaky or condescending before?

Also, if she is single and was out looking for a man, how would her telling other guys to hit on YOU be a selfish act? If anything I would see it as quite the opposite (albeit perhaps a silly idea).

One of my friends is out of a long term relationship. I’ve noticed that one of the ways she manifests her sadness and insecurity about being single is that she interprets neutral or even positive acts as being negative and having sly or underhanded intentions when people genuinely do mean well for her. I would gently suggest that this may be something you are experiencing.

Daisy78 · 13-09-2018 8:35pm

Sounds like your friend was tactless rather than intentionally mean. I’d look to meet up with her, explain that you don’t need any intervention on her part and explain why you felt the way you did. Sometimes people can overdo it in an attempt to be helpful and I think that’s what has happened here. Is your friend usually the malicious type?

Sazsazcool · 14-09-2018 9:39am

Goose76 wrote: »

I would be on the side of those who think you may be over reacting here, OP.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant well. I think part of friendship sometimes is giving friends the benefit of the doubt. You haven’t mentioned her ever being sneaky or condescending before?

Also, if she is single and was out looking for a man, how would her telling other guys to hit on YOU be a selfish act? If anything I would see it as quite the opposite (albeit perhaps a silly idea).

One of my friends is out of a long term relationship. I’ve noticed that one of the ways she manifests her sadness and insecurity about being single is that she interprets neutral or even positive acts as being negative and having sly or underhanded intentions when people genuinely do mean well for her. I would gently suggest that this may be something you are experiencing.

I'm not disagreeing that she meant well. My issue doesn't even lie with the fact she done that and made me feel ****. It's the fact she done it and then told someone else she was wrong instead of me. She's avoided me for two weeks instead of just saying sorry. So maybe she's not sorry.

Xterminator · 14-09-2018 9:51am

OP you cannot read her mind and divine her intentions. The only way to find out id she is sorry is by talking.

A good clear the air meeting would let you know whats going on instead of playing a childish game (both sides) of ignoring each other until one of you caves in.

Do you want to save the friendship or save face?

Mr. Incognito · 14-09-2018 11:30am

You both sound very immature.

She sounds like a bit of a twit.

You sound like you want some sort of rigeous mob here to tell you you are right.

If you really require advice about how to be an adult in this situation then its propbably wasted advice.

Either call her and have it out or cut her out as a friend.

I certainly would phase her out. I wouldnt need people undermining me like that.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2018 11:55am

You sound so stubborn and bitter over this, there probably isn't a friendship to save anyway. This has been allowed to fester for too long. By the looks of things, both of you are rubbish at dealing with conflict and talking things through like adults. You seem to be more worried about being right and getting backup from strangers on the Internet than saving this friendship.

ncmc · 14-09-2018 11:59am

Is it possible she's waiting for an apology from you? You said there was words exchanged the night it happened, is it possible she was hurt by what she sees as your over reaction and wants an apology? Remember, as far as she is concerned, she already apologised.

I think context is everything here, like the comment about wearing the boobie top or her staying away from guys you liked, I would take those as jokey comments. But we don't know the tone in which they were said. Likewise we don't know if this is a one off, ham fisted attempt to boost your confidence or is it one of many situations where she has tried to undermine you?

If it a one off and the other comments were said in a jokey way, then let it go, contact her and explain you were hurt but you didn't mean to over react. It's not worth losing a long time friend over. However if she is regularly undermining you and embarressing you then you have to ask if she is the sort of person you want in your life.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 14-09-2018 12:05pm

I agree that context is important; has she pulled anything like this before, is she type of person who habitually tries to pull people down, or was this just a spectacularly ill conceived and gracelessly executed attempt to build a friend up?

In either case I can completely understand your feelings when it happened, her intentions don't change how crap that was for you, but they're very relevant to how you deal with this now. It's the difference between someone carelessly clipping your car pulling out of your driveway and deliberately driving through the wall.

If all you're looking for is validation then look, half the strangers on the internet think you're right, yay. You can't take that petty self-righteousness out to lunch, or call them for a chat.

Call her, talk it through calmly and soberly and sort it out, or grow old waiting for an engraved apology to drop through the letterbox, and leave your other friend caught in the middle. It's up to you.

Addle · 14-09-2018 2:55pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You sound so stubborn and bitter over this, there probably isn't a friendship to save anyway.

She's hurt. She's been treated badly and talked about.
I think it's natural to be upset when you've been hurt.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2018 3:17pm

This is going on for over 2 weeks.

Addle · 14-09-2018 3:17pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This is going on for over 2 weeks.

Ya. Total waste of energy.

Ursus Horribilis · 14-09-2018 3:23pm

I'm not going to be drawn into an argument over this.

OP, it's time for you to decide whether you want to remain friends with this woman. If you do, stop stewing over this and have a proper, civilised adult conversation about it.

If not, then that's that. Game over.

Sazsazcool · 14-09-2018 4:39pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You sound so stubborn and bitter over this, there probably isn't a friendship to save anyway. This has been allowed to fester for too long. By the looks of things, both of you are rubbish at dealing with conflict and talking things through like adults. You seem to be more worried about being right and getting backup from strangers on the Internet than saving this friendship.

Actually not a bit stubborn or bitter just fedbup of been treated badly by people who don't give a ****.

Excuse me for having my husband leave me for another woman and feeling like a friend telling strangers I'm desperate to be chatted up doesn't sit well with me.

According to boards.ie I'm just bitter, stubborn and I'm immature though

Friend made a fool of me

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