Similar situation advice

Bayveen

Met a man and we were both clear from the get-go that we were going to be casual (and well protected) and that we would have fun. We did have fun.
He is now giving the monogamy thing a go with the person he met a month before I came on the scene essentially. This is all fine and grand.
He has said that he really enjoys talking to me and our interactions though and in the mean time, he would like us to remain friends (not delivered as clichéd as I saying right now). I am unsure how I feel about this component and would like to know if this situation or similar has worked for anyone else. I am still dating and not holding out for him. Thanks.

Purple Mountain

I would expect that if I met a man and we were committed to making a go of a relationship that he would cease contact with his fwb.
So both of you are being sh*tty if ye keep up the contact.
It's disrespectful to the new lady but he's more in the wrong than you are.

nikkibikki

Sounds like he wants to keep you on the scene in case it doesn't work out with the other lady. That could go on for years. If you're ok with being his back up plan, then go ahead and stay friends. I wouldn't.

Xterminator

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I would expect that if I met a man and we were committed to making a go of a relationship that he would cease contact with his fwb.

i would expect someone i am in a relationship to stop shagg|ng his FWB but i wouldn't expect them to stop talking with their friends. thats overly controlling behaviour. Everyone has exes. Some stay friends - welcome to the grown up world.

Emme

He's like "wanna be my side chick?" :rolleyes:

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Xterminator wrote: »

i would expect someone i am in a relationship to stop shagg|ng his FWB but i wouldn't expect them to stop talking with their friends. thats overly controlling behaviour. Everyone has exes. Some stay friends - welcome to the grown up world.

Doesn't seem to be a friendship exactly though, and they're not exes either. They had a purely sexual relationship.

I've literally been in your situation OP, casual sexual relationship and got on well, they met someone else. Honestly our interaction just kind of naturally fizzled out, they were occupied with their new relationship, in that phase where even your best oldest friends don't see much of you, I was busy and as it turned out not massively motivated to meet up when sex was off the table.

I'm aware of the situation happening a few times in my wider social circle too, ime when the previous FWBs don't cool off on contact things get dramatic.

It might be helpful to clarify why you're apprehensive. Are you suspicious of his motivation, wary of your own possible emotional reaction? Both? Neither?

Purple Mountain

Xterminator wrote: »

i would expect someone i am in a relationship to stop shagg|ng his FWB but i wouldn't expect them to stop talking with their friends. thats overly controlling behaviour. Everyone has exes. Some stay friends - welcome to the grown up world.

As a grown up and as someone who has actually been on all sides of the very same situation I can tell you categorically that FWBs are never 'friends'.
It's a mutual sexual arrangement that is neither a relationship nor friendship.
If this guy is genuinely interested in starting a new relationship and committing to a new girl then it's only respectful that he drops contact with his benefits friend.
And on the other side, OP why would you want to stay in touch with him while he has a new girlfriend?
I think for self respect sake you should step back.
And that's not me being judgemental..that's me giving you the reality.
He either wants to have you as a sneaky bit on the side which is absolutely rotten or he wants to start treating you as a friend which mean you would now have to become a a witness to his new relationship which I don't think you need tbh.
I had a guy who I had a similar arrangement with ask me to still be his 'friend' when he met a new girl he wanted to go dating. Apparently he liked what we had!
I had no intention of being someone's little secret and being the other party so I waved him off into the sunset. He didn't work out with her and me and him fizzled out so he had neither in the end.

.......

He wasnt your buddy to begin with, why does he want to be now?

To keep you as a back up.

Bayveen

Yousef Chubby Twig wrote: »

Doesn't seem to be a friendship exactly though, and they're not exes either. They had a purely sexual relationship.

I've literally been in your situation OP, casual sexual relationship and got on well, they met someone else. Honestly our interaction just kind of naturally fizzled out, they were occupied with their new relationship, in that phase where even your best oldest friends don't see much of you, I was busy and as it turned out not massively motivated to meet up when sex was off the table.

I'm aware of the situation happening a few times in my wider social circle too, ime when the previous FWBs don't cool off on contact things get dramatic.

It might be helpful to clarify why you're apprehensive. Are you suspicious of his motivation, wary of your own possible emotional reaction? Both? Neither?

I haven't experienced this arrangement before and genuinely do not know how to feel about it so neither , I guess. Thanks for your input though.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'd say if you're unsure and mulling it over just leave it off. Cost/benefit wise, what do you stand to lose by entering a potentially messy situation like this? I think if your initial reaction was "yay, still friends, happy days" then going with the flow and seeing what happens would be grand, but your feelings are obviously more complex than that in some way. What ages are ye btw?

Do you *want* a friendship with him? If you guys met at work or he was gay or your friend's boyfriend or something, would you enjoy his company, have the craic?

Was there significant sexual chemistry or was it purely just a scratching an itch kind of set up?

If you have any small feelings for him, romantic or just lustful, pivoting into him being your friend with a girlfriend is a minefield and not worth it. He may be acting in good faith but it's also very possible he's being manipulative and hoping to keep you as a back up or bit on the side, or he's just a drama llama and is engineering a love triangle.

Bayveen

I think I do want to remain in the friend capacity, there is very significant sexual chemistry and we have some of the same hobbies: it is how we met. Just seems to be a timing issue really.
I do believe that he is not being manipulative either as I am usually quite a good judge of character. I am 30 and he is 35. Thank you for your advice too: again, just I have no experience of this to base it on. It's not keeping me up at night but I thought it would be a good idea to get others perspectives.

Emme

Bayveen wrote: »

I think I do want to remain in the friend capacity, there is very significant sexual chemistry and we have some of the same hobbies: it is how we met. Just seems to be a timing issue really.
I do believe that he is not being manipulative either as I am usually quite a good judge of character. I am 30 and he is 35. Thank you for your advice too: again, just I have no experience of this to base it on. It's not keeping me up at night but I thought it would be a good idea to get others perspectives.

You say there is very significant sexual chemistry. That's not going to help you stay "just friends" with him and deep down you know it. Does the "monogamous" girl know about you?

Are you happy to date guys casually or do you want a monogamous partner and children yourself? If you do then you shouldn't let guys like him waste your time.

LolaJJ

The fact that you are posting here indicates that you actually like him more than you are admitting (perhaps even to yourself)

I'd leave him behind, no one wants to be a second choice or a fall-back