Still Struggling – Any chance she might come back?

richdeniro

[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I was seeing her quite intensely… I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and just divorced although she's still living with her ex-husband – they been separated for 18 months now, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling bad in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etc. It was all true.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then I noticed one time when she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open – she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]We met up for a drink two month ago and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and the next night she sent me a message saying: “Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x”. I asked if there was someone else and she replied with “Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me”. The final message she sent read “I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry”.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]And that's it really, I didn't reply to that and haven't contacted her since – 60 days no contact today actually. She messaged me the night after ending it with ‘You ok?' and I didn't reply and two weeks after that tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook, again I ignored and deleted her as a Facebook friend a few days after that. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a few months and it sucks a bit I suppose.[/font]
[font=Arial, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, sans-serif]I feel better than I did in the immediate couple of weeks after but am still struggling, I think about her all the time and wonder each day if today might be the day she gets back in touch but I think she has probably moved on now that it has been a couple of months, she is probably seeing someone else too.[/font]

TheBoyConor

That's a long story but the reality of it is this....
Ye were dating for a while,
She has decided she's basically not interested.

I think you need to just think about that and respect her decision and stop trying to think up ways to win her back.
She had made her feelings clear.

Move on. It's as simple as that really.

Caranica

She also can't be "just divorced" and separated 18 months. To divorce you must be separated 4 out of 5 years. Her story doesn't add up

zoobizoo

Sounds like she's enjoying her new found freedom and you got caught up in that.

What I find most disrespectful is whatsapping in your company.

If someone was doing that to me, I'd finish it there and then.

Move on and leave her to play the field.

richdeniro

Thanks all. Guess it's the hardest breakup I've ever gone through despite it not being that long a relationship.
I guess what got me so attached was how she lovebombed me - she showered me with so much love, attention and affection that I couldn't help but fall for her thinking I was her 'one'.  Until this I wasn't aware of rebounds which I guess I was to her following the breakdown of her marriage.
Even in the last month before ending it she would say things like she has never felt cared for in the way that I did, that she didn't think it was possible to have a boyfriend who was also a best friend and that I was the most amazing cuddler she had ever had.
I know I should have walked away when she was texting other guys especially in my presence. I guess she is still rebounding all over the place at the moment and some of my friends have said she may even be going through a mid-life crisis. It probably doesn't help that she still lives with her ex-husband so can only do casual stuff.
End of the day though she doesn't want to be with me so I need to move on. I've blocked her on most social media but as yet can't bring myself to block her on whatsapp as I just don't want to close the door completely on her possibly reaching out although I think I may have to in order to move on - I still keep wondering everyday if today might be the day she does reach out which is probably holding me back from moving on.

TheBoyConor

This level of intensity should have been a red flag and a dead give away that it was a rebound. This sort of over the top intense relationship isn't sustainable.

It's over and done with now op. She has said so herself.
Just block her and delete get number.

And please don't even think about contacting her. ever.. She says basically that she wants nothing more to do with u. Respect that and let get be and move on.
Besides, there is nothing more off putting that someone trying to convince you to be with them. It's really pathetic tbh.

zoobizoo

Why would you want someone who has disrespected you so much?

Texting guys while you were sitting beside her????

That's nothing to do with rebound, that's just being a dick.

She's 46 and a mother of three and acting like a teenager

I have to ask why you're so taken with a woman nearly 10 years your senior a family and a recent ex husband?

richdeniro

I know exactly what you mean - usually I am a very logical person and all my friends have said similar to what you posted but at the moment I just don't seem to be able to process it that way. I guess it will just take more time.

leggo

I feel for you OP. As others have said, there's not much to this solution-wise since she's told you she's not interested, but I get why your head is all over the place. Truth is, the whirlwinds can be more of a head-**** that even long-term relationship splits when you're the one who takes it seriously and not the person toying with someone else (i.e. the decent person). I've been there and know so many others who have too, you get swept up in a short-term, very intense thing and believe what the other person is saying because they're convincing.

What you'll learn the further you get away from this is that these people are convincing because they're just used to being themselves: they can be quite manipulative and know what the other person wants to hear/experience, are selfish and don't care about the hurt they're causing (they may even get a kick out of it) and generally aren't good people to have in your life.

And you've seen evidence of this. She's been texting other lads in front of your eyes, that's as disrespectful as it gets. She was also quite mean when she brought up stuff like "I need to fancy someone more." That's not 'just being honest' as she'd probably claim if confronted about it, that's a dig. That's a comment designed to knock you, to make her feel superior and give her fragile ego a boost at being able to judge and swipe you away because she can, perhaps knowing that she can waltz back in at her leisure, get you back and toy with you again at a moment's notice (hence the "I won't block you...so still try and fight for me..."). She's probably doing that to multiple other men because she's that tragic that she can't find happiness like a regular person so has to get it this way.

What you've become attached to and what you're mourning now is the idea of her that you'd built up in your head, the future together you'd probably imagined if you could've just fixed the issues you were having. But the issue was her and that she wasn't the person you thought she was. That's the hump you have to get over now, but when you see and accept that, it'll get a lot easier.

zoobizoo

I think what it will take is meeting someone nicer who respects you and doesn't treat you like a fling.

Logic can go out the window when we fall for someone but what I find is that as soon as I meet someone new, those feelings of "oh what could have been" between me and my ex quickly disappear.

Go join a few clubs and meet some new people. There are plenty of nice, single women closer in age to yourself without all that baggage who are looking for a single guy in his late 30s....

Best of luck.

richdeniro

Thanks so much again for the compassionate replies particularly from @leggo. 

I know that what you say is 100% correct and I can point to other times during the relationship, even in the first four months, where she essentially treated me like dirt that perhaps I glazed over. Flirting heavily with other guys on nights out and that type of thing.  Your point about the wording she used when ending it by text resonated quite strongly with me.  I know I may be low on confidence and self-esteem after this whole episode but I know I deserve better than that.  When I called her out on messaging other guys her response was that 'I am very needy', she then proceeded to show me her imessage texts when I knew fully well all the conversations were in her Whatsapp. 

She is obviously looking for lots of attention and wanting to feel attractive at the moment – maybe she is very insecure and just a complete mess following the divorce? She doesn’t even seem to mind at the moment who is giving the attention. One of the guys I know she was chatting to, I accidentally saw his name on her whatsapp and couldn’t help but look at his twitter and facebook….. he is the exact opposite to me, massive burly guy, tattoos all over (no issue with that but found it strange as his physical appearance is completely opposite to me, he's an ex-football hooligan, 4 kids by 4 different women and his twitter was full of racism and bigotry. Obviously I didn’t tell her any of this. 

I am doing the things that @zoob mentioned, keeping busy, seeing mates, doing new things, etc. It is helping to an extent but I do still find myself wondering about her and still missing her.  Like you said it would probably help if I met someone else so I am going on a few dates too.

Sardonicat

richdeniro wrote: »

She is obviously looking for lots of attention and wanting to feel attractive at the moment – maybe she is very insecure and just a complete mess following the divorce? She doesn’t even seem to mind at the moment who is giving the attention. One of the guys I know she was chatting to, I accidentally saw his name on her whatsapp and couldn’t help but look at his twitter and facebook….. he is the exact opposite to me, massive burly guy, tattoos all over (no issue with that but found it strange as his physical appearance is completely opposite to me, he's an ex-football hooligan, 4 kids by 4 different women and his twitter was full of racism and bigotry. Obviously I didn’t tell her any of this. 

.

And there you have it OP. Hungry for attention and admiration from whatever source. Perhaps she's a racist bigot too. That's why this guy is not offensive to her. And maybe you're too decent for her to keep a mask on around indefinitely.

OP, as someone else pointed out, she can't be just divorced. I reckon she's been telling you a pack of lies all along. I'd also wager she's a few years more than 45 ( I know a woman in her 50s who claims to be in her 40s to guys. That's not where the lies stop, either ).

Sounds like a nasty, shallow, pathetic yoke. You're well shot. Block her and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Weird that I came across this as I've been recently in a very similar situation. Met her in Jan too, in a long term marriage to an abusive guy but was looking to end it with him. Like u, she showered me with attention, telling me all sorts like how when she leaves him that i am all she wanted. Me and her forever and ever. It was WhatsApp 24/7 too. She was also very pretty which makes it harder. But anyway she finally left him recently but soon after decided she don't want me either. Some kick in the balls that was. After all the **** she told me and said to me . so I said goodbye to her..that's not even two weeks ago so am still in the phase of hoping she will text or miss me. I know she won't. I know it's over. U would love to know what goes on in the head of someone like that. One minute loving u, the next couldn't give a ****. It was some whirlwind that's for sure. So i feel your pain op. But ya like has been said, don't ever contact her again. That's the best advice

richdeniro

Sorry to hear that @sameage23.  

No intention of ever contacting her and now seeing things so much more clearly whereby if she reached out to me I would probably ignore here whereas a few weeks ago I would have taken her back with open arms. I know it sounds big headed but she won't find better than me considering her age and baggage (not meaning to come across as mean spirited there) so it's her loss and I deserve much better than being treated like that.

milli milli

“I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry”.

OP I think you need to work on your self-esteem. I mean that in the nicest way. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who didn’t fancy you?
This would totally turn me off someone, if they said something like this.

tried to reach out if you can call it that by challenging me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook

I don’t know that game but when I used to be active on FB, ‘friends’ would send these type of requests all the time. They don’t mean anything. The person is usually mildly addicted to some game and by adding people you unlock things, get free play, that kind of thing.


In all fairness a woman out of a marriage separation/divorce probably isn’t looking for anything serious. Some might, but it sounds to me like she was just having a bit of fun.
She also did tell you you should find someone your age to maybe have a family with.
The ‘seeing each other almost every night’ is really unhealthy. Did either of ye have other things going on in your lives?
Sometimes people don’t have a lot going on apart from their relationship and this leads to hard breakups.

I’m sorry if I’m coming across as a bit stern, but really this was an unsustainable relationship and you said yourself she didn’t treat you that well, so really just close the door on it. Work on respecting yourself enough that you would never want to hear from someone like this again.

richdeniro

Thank you @Milli and I do appreciate the candour and sternness. I probably need it.

Truth be told I do have low self-esteem, it is something I am aware of and am working on it, so much so that I have recently signed up to have therapy to combat it.  I guess it was a combination of this and not having had a relationship for quite a long time that led to this situation in the first place.  I now know that my actions in the final month were not of someone who has much respect for himself but hopefully I can learn from it and the therapy will help.

Regarding the game thing on FB, it was definitely intended for me as it was a scrabble game that we were halfway through, she took her move in the game that was only between us and then nudged me a few hours later.  She would have known that I would have got the notifications.  I personally think it was just a way of seeing if I'll be her friend, a kind of breadcrumb to try and ease her guilt of knowing she treated me badly but I am ok with it.

I may have over-exaggerated with the 'every night' part of my post but it was 2-3 times a week and a fair few weekends but even that was probably too much for a new relationship of sorts.  We both did have a lot of other stuff in our lives - work, gym, I would still see my friends, she obviously had kids, etc, etc.

di11on

You know, a lot in here reminds me of me in my youth. If only I could go back in time and reply to my own personal issues back then.

Like in any negotiation, you need to know when the time to walk away is. You need to respect yourself and recognize when the boat has sailed. Don't be afraid to walk away. If you give off the signal that you have no walk-away point, you won't be respected and will appear of less value.

You set the price.

There is a Star Wars quote for all of life's problems:

"The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wntX-a3jSY

richdeniro

Hey All,

Just a quick update: I had a major breakthrough in my therapy session yesterday when we discussed Attachment theory. It was almost like a Eureka moment. I basically came to the conclusion that my last relationship was a Anxious-Avoidant relationship' with me obviously having a 'anxious attachment style', It's why I found it so hard to get over my ex and why she acted in the way she did (not that it excuses her behaviour).

There are basically three different types of attachment in adults; secure, anxious, or avoidant. They can be broken down further and if you google attachment types you can find definitions. Depending on what type of attachment type you have compared to your partner can help you see how compatible you are and how toxic the relationship might end up becoming, this link and many others out there kind of explain what I went through; aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

Over the last few months I have been wondering how my ex could treat someone so badly but now I can understand why, it was her attachment style and even though I won't forget I can sort of now forgive. Of course because she was on the rebound from her divorce it would have been hard to spot her attachment style as she lovebombed me in the beginning but as soon as she returned to normal the whole avoidance came into play whereas due to my anxious attachment I became needy and insecure (although with good reason) as I just wanted that intimacy back. Now I can see it was never really there with her in the first place. Also reading about how 'avoidant-anxious' relationships are the types that usually end up those types that are always off and on. Exactly what I went through.

I can now also see why her marriage became loveless and sexless, she was married to another avoidant.

I now realise her ending it was nothing to do with me and I can forgive her for ending it by text and using the words ‘I need to fancy someone more’. The sad thing is she will never find that person she is looking for as he doesn’t exist. Until she figures out and works on her issues she will always avoid relationships. Having an anxious attachment type myself my initial instinct is to want to help her and try to fix her but I know this is impossible, if I told her about her attachment style her initial reaction would most likely be to run away - avoidance again.

I think knowing all this has given me some sort of closure as I now feel ready to move on and not have that hope there that she will get in touch again.

richdeniro

Another update: Well despite doing so much better over the last few weeks and months, I did something I shouldn’t have done out of curiosity and had a look at her Facebook page.

I saw a photo of her with another guy from a month, or so ago, they are quite clearly a couple, and it must be pretty serious as she had gone on holiday to the Caribbean with him along with her kids.

I assume they would have got together fairly soon after we broke up like four months would be a fairly short amount of time to introduce a new partner to your children, let alone go on holiday with them I would have thought. She was most likely in touch with him during the final month we were together whilst she was stringing me along.

I'm guessing that he has a lot of money behind him being able to afford trips to the Caribbean, etc. I wonder if she subconsciously chose someone like her ex-husband as he was also wealthy.

Anyway, I am still doing ok, guess I’m just a little sad about it. In a way, it might help me get the closure I’ve needed as she’s clearly moved on and isn’t coming back.

leggo

Yeah is that even someone you’d wanna be involved with? Sounds a bit damaged and skangery to me at first glance tbh: introducing your kids and bringing them on holidays with a bloke you only know a short while who you’re willing to bet the house on because he’s got money. Or at the very least, given what you know, you can tell yourself that and feel better. I don’t think you’re missing too much here.

professore

You are making all sorts of excuses for her OP. To me she just sounds like a nasty person. Getting back with you when she knew you had fallen for her and she had no interest... Other than sex with a younger guy probably... was cruel and manipulative. You only have her side of the story about her husband. He could be a great guy for all you know.

You need some self esteem therapy.

richdeniro

leggo wrote: »

Yeah is that even someone you’d wanna be involved with? Sounds a bit damaged and skangery to me at first glance tbh: introducing your kids and bringing them on holidays with a bloke you only know a short while who you’re willing to bet the house on because he’s got money. Or at the very least, given what you know, you can tell yourself that and feel better. I don’t think you’re missing too much here.

I know, am slowly getting there to realising this myself. Therapy has helped. I do find writing on here also helps as well in a cathartic way as do getting others opinions.

One thing I did find odd was that the resort she had gone on holiday to on this Caribbean holiday is the same resort she used to go year after year with her ex-husband and I even think they went there on their honeymoon. I sometimes feel a bit hurt walking past a restaurant or something that we might have frequented due to the triggering of memories so did think that was quite odd as surely all her memories of that place would be with her ex-husband. I'm assuming she wouldn't even consider how confusing it must be for her children to go back to a holiday resort that they used go to with their parents only to see their dad replaced with a new guy?

richdeniro

professore wrote: »

You are making all sorts of excuses for her OP. To me she just sounds like a nasty person. Getting back with you when she knew you had fallen for her and she had no interest... Other than sex with a younger guy probably... was cruel and manipulative. You only have her side of the story about her husband. He could be a great guy for all you know.

You need some self esteem therapy.

I know and don't worry, I am in therapy which has been really good.

I did always wonder why her husband didn't fight for her, I guess I'm beginning to see why.

Sardonicat

You are giving far too much head space to this woman and her motives . Way too much. I know it's not possible to simply stop thinking about her but please be aware that this is not healthy and remind yourself of that when you find yourself musing over her. Perhaps you could discuss with your therapist some strategies for diverting your attention to healthier thoughts? Oh, and delete Facebook. It will stop you from looking her up.

Having said all that, I'm glad you feel you're doing better. Onwards and upwards, eh?

jk23

richdeniro wrote: »

I know and don't worry, I am in therapy which has been really good.

I did always wonder why her husband didn't fight for her, I guess I'm beginning to see why.

Yes you are beginning to see the light in regards to her. You are doing the right thing, move on there are better women out there who will treat you better and who you can trust and give your best to

TheBoyConor

You are really over analysing the situation. Over analysing in the extreme You had a bad ex. So does half the world sure. You need to just block her out of your mind and move on. Go on a few tinder dates or something to take her off your mind.

At the end of the day she was a fairly short term girlfriend and months and months later you are still dwelling on it. That's really not normal or healthy. Analysing the psychology of the whole situation in terms of avoidant/anxious relationship characteristics is overkill and all very academic postmortem for a casual gf you had for a few months.

leggo

TheBoyConor wrote: »

You are really over analysing the situation. Over analysing in the extreme You had a bad ex. So does half the world sure. You need to just block her out of your mind and move on. Go on a few tinder dates or something to take her off your mind.

At the end of the day she was a fairly short term girlfriend and months and months later you are still dwelling on it. That's really not normal or healthy. Analysing the psychology of the whole situation in terms of avoidant/anxious relationship characteristics is overkill and all very academic postmortem for a casual gf you had for a few months.

Disagree completely. Sometimes the short term things can **** you over worse than the long term ones. When a long term relationship falls apart, problems have often been apparent for months/years and the split is generally a result of the bottom just falling out. When a short term relationship falls apart, you don’t know as much about them to understand why things happened the way they did and that’s ultimately what leaves people unable to move on: not understanding it so you can make sure it never happens again and you can look out for certain stuff the next time. Typically it’s not even losing the person that hurts most, it’s the frustration of letting yourself get hurt, investing time/energy at the expense of other things only for it to not pan out etc.

So OP, while you absolutely should do whatever it takes to move on from this place of hurt (and it seems like you are), don’t beat yourself up for wanting to understand it all.

richdeniro

Thanks Leggo, my therapist said the same thing as I was really worried that I didn't seem to be getting over it with any speed despite only being short term.

She told me that everyone moves at a different pace and that when you are lovebombed like I was it can take a long long time to get over, she likened it to heroine withdrawal. I am making progress but it is very slow. I'm ok with that, I'm learning not to punish myself about things like this.

The lovebombing has made it very hard to get over, I've never been showered with so much love, attention and affection before. I know it's a red flag but I had no experience of it and I truly felt like her 'one' I suppose. Even in the weeks before ending it she was telling me that she had never felt cared for in the way I cared for her, that I was her rock, how she loved how genuine I was, that she had never got on so well and laughed with someone like she did with me, that I was the best cuddler she had ever experienced amongst other things. Despite knowing she was texting others whenever I called her out on it she would tell me I was being insecure, she was just a needy person and that I was overthinking things.

It left me bewildered I guess and I think part of my healing is coming on sites like this to try and make sense of it all.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe looking at her Facebook page was a good thing. It has not only added another nail to the coffin but it's also giving you an insight into what the real her is like. Not the one who love bombed you which is the person you're struggling to get over. If it's the new man she's with, and not her husband, going on holidays to the old family haunts is an awful thing to do to her children. Mind you, she wasn't giving them much consideration when she met you and spent all those nights away with you. The vast majority of single parents are cautious and sensitive about introducing a new partner into their children's' lives. It would appear that empathy and consideration for others isn't a strength of this woman's. It definitely looks like she used you as an interim piece of entertainment while she shopped around for a better model.