Hurt by friend

LegacyUser

I became close friends with a man and his family 3 years ago after years of casually knowing each other.

We realised we were both suffering from manic depression and came to rely on each other a lot.

It felt that we could understand each other in a way no one else ever has. We've had endless laughs and fun together since, as well as some very difficult times where tough love was the approach to pull one of us out of a depressive spell.

We originally bonded over a shared love of hill walking.

We had both lost our passion for something we previously loved.

We made it a goal, to return to hill walking this summer.

It happened once in May and after that he has been so low he was unable to get out of bed most weekends.

Today out of the blue, his son sent me a photo of him on top of a hill. I immediately asked him why I wasn't included and he told me they had no room in the car.

I messaged my friend telling him I feel hurt and he said he didn't go, he was dragged. I told him to enjoy his day, because I didn't want to ruin it for him.

We haven't spoken further but were due to meet in person tomorrow.

Maybe I am totally overreacting but I feel so hurt.

Maybe he went with his wife and 2 kids. Maybe it was a private family day. I don't know.

Am I overreacting?

Part of me feels like a child at school left out of a party. I'm mid 30s.

I'm sure his son sent me the pic so I could be happy to see they managed to drag him out of his low spell. But instead it's set me into a low spell.

Xterminator

yes you are completely taking this in the worst possible way. You should be happy for him if he is making progress, rather than being disappointed you were not involved in any of his good moments.

Think about it, a friend suffering from bad depression sent you a picture showing him out of bed, and out in the fresh air getting a little exercise etc, and your 1st response was to be hurt.

Im sorry if this comes across as harsh, but OP - its not all about you.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

yes you are completely taking this in the worst possible way. You should be happy for him if he is making progress, rather than being disappointed you were not involved in any of his good moments.

Think about it, a friend suffering from bad depression sent you a picture showing him out of bad, and out in the fresh air getting a little exercise etc, and your 1st response was to be hurt.

Im sorry if this comes across as harsh, but OP - its not all about you.

No it isn't harsh. It's probably exactly what I need to hear.

I have a tendency to be hypersensitive and because I opened my heart about my depression to his friend, it stings all the worse.

I'm trying to avoid meeting today because I've taken it so personally.

I don't want to do this and I am trying to be happy for him. I feel like a child reacting this way. I'm embarrassed for taking it so personally but I still feel really hurt.

I appreciate you giving me some much needed perspective.

Whispered

Overreacting. Even sending a message asking why you weren't invited and having him explain himself was unacceptable.

LegacyUser

Whispered wrote: »

Overreacting. Even sending a message asking why you weren't invited and having him explain himself was unacceptable.

I accept this. I thought about that but felt I was being dishonest if I held back how much it hurt me. We have always had a very open honest friendship.

To be clear, several times per week for most of this year, we have discussed our former shared hobby and various hills we would like to tackle together. We have had it as an in-joke that neither of us is to sneak off climbing hills alone as we must share this goal together.

It has been such a big deal that I wouldn't for a second have gone without him. And I couldn't fathom that he would go without me. For me, it wouldn't matter if it was a family day for me, I would still have sent him a message to let him know I was going.

Perhaps when we talk in person I will feel less hurt but I don't even want to meet now and am trying to find a way out of it.

I so wanted to share that victory together. But I don't know the circumstances of the outing. Maybe it was just him and his son bonding time.

I feel bad for overreacting, and I hope I can figure how to be less sensitive next time.

LLMMLL

Xfcfddf wrote: »

I accept this. I thought about that but felt I was being dishonest if I held back how much it hurt me. We have always had a very open honest friendship.

To be clear, several times per week for most of this year, we have discussed our former shared hobby and various hills we would like to tackle together. We have had it as an in-joke that neither of us is to sneak off climbing hills alone as we must share this goal together.

It has been such a big deal that I wouldn't for a second have gone without him. And I couldn't fathom that he would go without me. For me, it wouldn't matter if it was a family day for me, I would still have sent him a message to let him know I was going.

Perhaps when we talk in person I will feel less hurt but I don't even want to meet now and am trying to find a way out of it.

I so wanted to share that victory together. But I don't know the circumstances of the outing. Maybe it was just him and his son bonding time.

I feel bad for overreacting, and I hope I can figure how to be less sensitive next time.

Sounds like you need to accept that people are different and not everyone reacts the way you react or values what you value.

So far you’re saying that you accept you’re overreacting but can’t help it. If you really accepted that you were overreacting I think you would be able to help it. I think part of you thinks that you are actually in the right here. The above post has a few justifications of your feelings: “I would have behaved differently” kind of stuff.

You really need to examine this feeling of being hurt as you feel it. Challenge it. Don’t be like “oh I know I’m in the wrong by I can’t help how I feel”. That’s indulging it.

There’s a good chance you’ll wreck this friendship if you continue like this.

milli milli

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. He/she is coming from a vulnerable state, and is in what seems to be a co-dependent situation with this man. I’m not saying their reaction is right, but it is their reaction and they are ashamed of it, so at least they are aware that it’s not the most appropriate.

OP, if you were emotionally stronger, then you wouldn’t have this reaction. You would be - like the other posters said - happy for your friend that he is getting out. But at the moment you are dependent on this man, and he himself is in a vulnerable state, so it’s not a very helpful situation.
I wonder would some outside help benefit you, like a support group or counsellor?
Please don’t take it personally that your friend went out to the hills without you. Like you said, he was dragged out and you know yourself, when you have depression, you are so far into yourself, that you can’t even see other people, let alone what they might be thinking.
Best of luck OP

fishy_fishy

I'm sorry life is so tough for you both. It sounds very difficult and fair play to you for keeping on going and plugging ahead trying to get out and keep living rather than just existing.

But, you're not seeing clearly here. Your friend's family were concerned about him and dragged him out to go hiking. That's hard enough work for them without having to look after you too. They owe you nothing, you're not their responsibility. Sounds like your friend didn't even want to go so hardly on him that you didn't get an invite, and ya know what? They don't have to invite you. Maybe they wanted a heart to heart conversation during the hike. You're friends, not joined at the hip.

Yes, I understand being disappointed at a missed opportunity to do something you enjoy with a friend, but no - you do not have any right to be hurt or upset. The opportunity wasn't even there anyway - he didn't want to go.

But think about this. You are claiming such a degree of ownership over your friend that you think his own SON has no right to spend time hiking with his dad unless you're there. That's outrageous. And if I was the son I really wouldn't want you around on future hikes after how you reacted.

You need to apologise to the son. "Sorry Harry, my reaction was way out of line. As an explanation, your dad and I had discussed doing that hike together so was a bit shocked he left me out, but I get now that it was a day for your family. I hope you enjoyed the hike and sorry if I upset you"

pl4ichjgy17zwd

OP you say you both realized you were bipolar, have you actually been diagnosed and are you getting treatment?

Talk therapies can help to manage these kind of reactions.