Friendship a by gone thing?

LegacyUser

Are close friends in your 30's not a thing these days as I am struggling with the fact I don't have "friends". Everyone around me seems to be part of this whatsapp group of friends or that group of friends yet while I have 200+ contacts from growning up and work I couldn't tell you when I spoke to half of them.

Let me explain. I'm male in 30s. I do have close friends from growing up, but I never really seen or hear from them these days. They live in other countries like Canada, China and OZ, have kids (as do I) and in general life seems to get in the way but it always feels like I need to get int touch with them (bar one who messages me most days)

I have work "friends", we all get on well, go for lunch each day but I never see them outside of a work context or even really chat outside of work expect on Facebook comments etc. Again, it feels like I need to do the reaching out most of the time.

I said maybe I'll try some groups see can I get to meet people. So I now do sports and volunteer where I train once a week and see those folks about 2 weekend a month for events too. Again, we all get on well at training and events, go for drinks as part of the group etc but I'd never hear from them unless I message them first.

I guess, I long for a few close friends. A few lads to go out and do things like my school/college days. Like if I need a hand in the garden or doing work on the house I've no one to turn and say, any chance of a hand.

I'm not really sure what I want from this thread. I guess some ideas or even a different point of view that might trigger an idea for me. I just don't seem to be able to connect with people and get them across the bridge of casual colleagues / friends into something who is a close friend.

Big Bag of Chips

It takes a bit of effort to make friends with people. Why don't you organise a night out and ask who's interested. Working with people, being in a group etc is fine, and it's great for meeting people. But it's not a "social" setting as such. If you want to move things to a social setting you have to be proactive. You have to suggest nights. Set up a WhatsApp group yourself called "few drinks" add a few and ask is anyone interested.

It might take a few attempts to get people out.. But it's worth a try...

wiggle16

I'm kind of in the same boat. People have married, emigrated, multiplied and died and some just lost touch, I'm 30 and my social circle is much, much smaller than it was say 4 or 5 years ago.

I'd second BBOC's suggestion of trying to organise a night out or for a few drinks or a catch up. It is harder to make friends as you get older, people have too many commitments as time goes by, and it can be a lot of effort to get to know someone new from scratch. But you'll lose nothing by trying to reconnect with people - the likelihood is a few of them are in the same position as you too.

Other than that, could you try taking up a hobby or activity where you could get to know more people?

As said, it might take a few attempts but don't get put out. There's no need for anyone to be lonely and yet so many people are. You're not alone (in both senses )

Best of luck anyhow.

porsche boy

As the joke goes;

The most unrealistic part of the bible is Jesus in his 30's having a group of 12 close friends...

Im in my late 30's with a wife & 3 small kids. My close group of friends from my teens/twenties are scattered across the globe with familys of their own. So facing my 40's with no close friends, not even sure i could consider my wife a friend some days...

Im spending a lot of energy trying to convince myself im happy with my lot.

professore

You need to actively go out and make new friends. My old friends too are scattered across the globe.

Society is stacked against hard working "middle class" men in particular having friends as we get older. Why do you think so many of them dress in lycra and go cycling? Long commutes, stressful jobs, family commitments and the never ending money sink that is raising a family in Ireland in 2018 leaves precious little outlet for friends.

Men only clubs and activities are frowned upon unfortunately thanks to feminism, while there are any number of female only activities. The pubs tend to be full of youngsters with blasting loud music or TV or miserable alcos. And then people are stumped at the volume of men in their 30s 40s and 50s committing suicide.

Check out meetup.com, lots of stuff on there. Pick something you are interested in. I had some great fun there and made some great new friends.

Addle

I don't think it's predominately a male thing.
I agree that it's something you have to make an effort with.
And it's important too, I find, not to be totally dependent on others for anything.

Big Bag of Chips

Professore, enough with the gender generalisations. You have been asked multiple times to stop. Making friends as you get older is difficult for everyone. You don't need "men only clubs" in order to make friends. And raising families, working and all the stresses and pressure that entails is difficult for everyone.

This thread is not about gender.

Emme

porsche boy wrote: »

The most unrealistic part of the bible is Jesus in his 30's having a group of 12 close friends...

And the most realistic part is Jesus living at home with his Ma in is 30s!

lulu1

I think there is a lot of people in the same boat op including myself. I really think people are too busy working / then coming home to family/ parents whatever. Or maybe work mates just think that when you work together all day whats the point of sociailsing with the same people at weekends.

I couldn'd say that I have a close friend but if I needed anything there is always some of the family around to help

professore

I apologise for going off on a rant but this is an issue that affects men differently than women. And there are differences in how men and women socialise. Whether thats hereditary or environment is an open question but there are differences. And of course there are exceptions, like a guy who has lots of female friends he sees often.

There is clearly also a gender difference in suicide rates, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is one of the main causes.

All I am trying to say is that men and women of this age group face very different challenges making friends. That's all. It's glaringly obvious. Most of the women I know in their 30s and 40s have large friend groups. Most of the men only have their wife's friends and people they went to college with and possibly some work colleagues they talk to at breaks. I don't know any man for who this isn't the case. If its the same for the genders why would this be the case?

Why do you think mens sheds are so popular?Why aren't there any women's sheds? Working in a cold shed. Sounds attractive doesn't it? Actually OP there's an idea.

Men need some reason to be together like a shared activity or event, a group meeting of some sort. Men generally don't meet up one on one for coffee, unless it's business related. Women do.