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Don't want to make contact with birth mother

  • 08-08-2018 11:22pm
    Registered Users Posts: 1

    I'm feeling a bit emotional here...this evening I emailed the SW involved in my case to say I didn't want any contact with my birth mother. She last tried to make contact almost 20 years ago, and I felt the same then. I've had to deal with mental health issues throughout my life and have recently come into a really good period where I am happy and healthy. The news that she was looking for me again hit me hard. At first I thought yeah, whatever, I'll go along with this. As I thought about it though, I have been getting agitated, distracted and feeling destabilised. I was content with how things were, and felt resentful at having been made to feel this way by the attempt at contact.
    So...I decided to tell the SW that I won't proceed. I was due to arrange to meet the SW for an initial chat, but it's too much for me to cope with. I feel a bit bad though...not for not meeting that person, I really feel no great desire to meet with or contact her. I feel a bit bad/guilty thinking that she will probably be quite upset by me saying no again. Then I try to tell myself that this is not my making, I should not feel bad. I wish she had never attempted contact, for all our sakes :( Has anyone else refused contact from a birth parent?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy

    Hi lexib,

    I'm sorry to read how difficult this has been for you.

    Number one - you have to do what's right for you.
    And if that means no contact with your birth mother then so be it.

    As you say this is not of your making and, as I know myself, if you're not in the right place you can't be dealing with this stuff. It's hard enough sometimes on a good day but on a bad day it's impossible.

    However, rather than just leaving it all in abeyance, I wonder could you write her a brief letter which your social worker could pass on, explaining some of why this is a bad time for you. It will help her but it might also give you back control of the situation.

    Genealogy Forum Mod

  • Registered Users Posts: 8 JaneyMac2

    Has anyone else refused contact from a birth parent?[/quote]

    Hi Lexib. I've felt a lot of the emotions that you talk about. Last year I went to talk to a counsellor and it really helped. For 3 sessions I talked through all of my emotions. I'm close to going back again now and I might do that. It might help you to talk it through.
    You have to do what's right for you. All the best with your decision. You can always change your mind at a later date.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭goat2

    I think that mums that give up their babies for adoption, do it for the welfare of their lovely baby, they must be selfless, as they realise they do not have the ability financially or the backing to help them through such a rough time, I know a few people that put their children up for adoption, and these were the real reasons in each case that I knew, some were only children themselves, most don't forget that baby, and think of them daily, and birthdays must be a hard time for them

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hermy

    The fear, ignorance and superstition that was riff in Irish society because of the pernicious influence of the Catholic Church is the reason why so many children were put up for adoption in Ireland.

    Genealogy Forum Mod