Just joined tinder and bumble - feeling spooked

FriendFree93

I'm new to the dating world after 17 years and at 36 I just joined tinder and bumble. I'm a bit out of touch with what the etiquette is here. I've had people ask to meet up without even saying hello. I'm a bit spooked by the whole thing but at this age how else am I going to meet someone.

Has anyone had any success and what's the general rules for these dating apps?

mistress_gi

The only advice I have is to do what you are confortable with, if it feels wrong then don't engage.

FriendFree93

mistress_gi wrote: »

The only advice I have is to do what you are confortable with, if it feels wrong then don't engage.

Since it's a dating app no one ever seems to actually want to talk on it. I've matched with people and heard nothing. I've sent a couple of messages and got nothing bad.

beauf

I never used these apps. But I would ignore anyone who doesn't want to chat even a little.

mistress_gi

At the end of the day it is a bit like everything in life, some people will talk to you some won't. Those that don't aren't really worth even thinking about!

Midnight Sundance

I would recommend you take your time getting to know these apps/sites and then you’ll be a little more equipped to handle all the different type of matches you’ll make.
Do what you feel comfortable with. I personally never met anyone I hadn’t messaged for a little while beforehand. I’d be wary of those who want to meet without even getting to know a little about you.
Meet in a public place, have a close friend know where you are going. Most men are fine on these sites but like everywhere in life there are the few who are there to take advantage so just use common sense.
I met lots of very nice guys online , some I liked and they didn’t like me, some liked me and I didn’t like them. Some just didn’t work out. But I wouldn’t have said any was a mistake.
Oh and look out for the guys that will only txt and won’t meet up.
Best of luck with the online dating. You’ll go through every emotion with it. Don’t be afraid to take a break from it time to time either.
It works best when you’re most comfortable being single and aren’t putting up with someone for the sake of it. Enjoy being single too, get to know exactly what makes you happy and any man that fits into that afterwards is the bonus.

Idle Passerby

I never used tinder but have done online dating. Good rules of thumb are take everyone with a pinch of salt, but don't assume they are all nuts/sleazy/socially inept, because you will encounter lots of these categories alongside the decent genuine people. Don't feel obligated to interact with someone you aren't interested in just because they've messaged you. Don't let your arm be twisted to do anything you aren't totally on board with. And don't take it too personally or too seriously until you've met with someone in real life. It can be fun, Good luck!

FriendFree93

FriendFree93 wrote: »

Since it's a dating app no one ever seems to actually want to talk on it. I've matched with people and heard nothing. I've sent a couple of messages and got nothing bad.

main advice i can give you is do not take it in any way seriously.
it is a numbers game in a way - there will be plenty you contact and don't hear from, plenty who message you bizarre stuff, etc etc. Don't expect any of them to be 'the one'. just match people you would get on well with, chat long enough to establish you don't think each other is a psycho, and get a coffee

good luck

Idle Passerby

It's also worth baring in mind that everyone has their own weird and wacky reasons for taking part in online dating. Besides the genuine people looking to meet someone to click with and those looking for no strings hook ups, there are those who just want their ego stroked by online interest, those who are simply curious to see what the talent is like online, those who think they are ready to date but are in no emotional state to actually follow through with that and other reasons as infinite as people are unique. It can be a minefield but in my opinion, no more so than dealing with random strangers in real life.

LolaJJ

Best advice I could give is to NEVER invest in anyone too heavily, emotionally or otherwise.

Take your time getting to know people, don't engage in conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable, don't agree to meet anyone without knowing at least a little bit about them.

Best of luck

woodchuck

I haven't used dating apps/website in some time (because I met my fella on one ), but I would never meet up with someone who's very first message is asking to meet up without even saying hello first. Definitely engage in some casual banter online before meeting. This could be hours, days or weeks depending on your comfort levels. However you don't want to drag it out too long because you don't want to overly invest in someone if it turns out there is no attraction in person (very common). Personally I think a week is about right, especially when starting out.

Also just so you're aware, multi-dating is the norm these days. People chat to multiple people and arrange multiple dates at a time. Most people would agree that you're not official until you've both agreed on exclusivity ("the talk" - yes we've become very Americanised...). However personally I never would've gone beyond a 2nd or 3rd date with someone if I wasn't interested in potentially having an exclusive relationship with them. At that point I'd be asking myself if I think it's worth focusing on one person or to keep looking. I think it would be cruel to lead someone on for a prolonged length of time if you're still exploring other options at that stage.

Most of all you need a tough a skin. It can be fun for sure, but it can also be quite trying at times. You meet a lot of people, assh0les included. "Ghosting" is common too - where a guy/girl mysteriously vanishes after being on a date or dating for a while.

Try to have fun and if you've any specific questions as you get into it, you can always post away here asking

nthclare

If youre an old fashioned romantic type steer clear of dating apps.

Obviously you're out of the dating loop and everything has changed.

You'll come across all types of players on them.

I even noticed comments here telling you not to take it serious as if its some sort of game.

If someone is looking for a serious relationship and love whats the point in having to filter through, people with mental health illnesses, narcissists, perverts, princesses, premadonnas, game players....futerfaking.....fake dating...

I think if someone wants to play games they should just stop acting the maggot and find a player like themselves.

If someone wants a relationship, stay away from Pof and Tinder

Bumble is a step above....its ok

woodchuck

nthclare wrote: »

If someone is looking for a serious relationship and love whats the point in having to filter through, people with mental health illnesses, narcissists, perverts, princesses, premadonnas, game players....futerfaking.....fake dating...

You have to filter through these people in real life too though. The only difference with the apps is that you meet more people overall: good and bad. There are genuine people out there though (including on the apps). But it does take a bit of effort to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Plopsu

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Don't feel obligated to interact with someone you aren't interested in just because they've messaged you.

So how can the OP know who they want to interact with without interacting with people who message them?

woodchuck

Plopsu wrote: »

So how can the OP know who they want to interact with without interacting with people who message them?

Sometimes you know from the first message that you're not interested. E.g. if they're asking to meet up right away or use a pickup line. Depending on the app/website, you might also spot other deal breakers such as age or distance. And sometimes you just don't fancy the look of them from their photo!

Idle Passerby

nthclare wrote: »

I even noticed comments here telling you not to take it serious as if its some sort of game.

I advised the OP not to take it "too seriously". I met my husband through online dating and I signed up hoping to meet someone to develop a genuine relationship with but online dating isn't the same as online shopping. You still have to interact with other humans who have their own hang-ups and baggage and agendas.

Not everyone is straightforward about their motives, many people don't even know what they are looking for. You may be looking for a serious relationship, but you cant expect others to be on the same page, even if they say they are. I wasn't suggesting OP should treat it as a game but it also shouldn't be treated as a mission.

nthclare

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I advised the OP not to take it "too seriously". I met my husband through online dating and I signed up hoping to meet someone to develop a genuine relationship with but online dating isn't the same as online shopping. You still have to interact with other humans who have their own hang-ups and baggage and agendas.

Not everyone is straightforward about their motives, many people don't even know what they are looking for. You may be looking for a serious relationship, but you cant expect others to be on the same page, even if they say they are. I wasn't suggesting OP should treat it as a game but it also shouldn't be treated as a mission.

I know where you're coming from, you're one of the lucky ones who knew what you're looking for.

Its nice to see you met a good man, and I wish ye a lifetime of happiness and good health.

I suppose for me living remotly on the coast the pool is much broader, so I have to do the distance thing...

I may come across as a bit edgy around the dating scene, its probably harder for guys than women to get a date.

Ill keep on going though....its fun too theres a lot of nice people, just filtering is a nightmare...

LollipopJimmy

Well done on making the move. I'm a similar age and in a similar position but I haven't had the neck to go that far yet, too scary for me!

Idle Passerby

nthclare wrote: »

I know where you're coming from, you're one of the lucky ones who knew what you're looking for.

Its nice to see you met a good man, and I wish ye a lifetime of happiness and good health.

I suppose for me living remotly on the coast the pool is much broader, so I have to do the distance thing...

I may come across as a bit edgy around the dating scene, its probably harder for guys than women to get a date.

Ill keep on going though....its fun too theres a lot of nice people, just filtering is a nightmare...

Thanks

I hear you, it can be disheartening at times. Whenever I wasnt enjoying it anymore I took a step back for a few weeks and focused on other things instead. Your not going to come across at your best if your not in a positive frame of mind.

There's a forum on here for online daters by the way, you have to request access from a mod but its good to feel like your not the only one out there.

I hope you find what your after, good luck!

Dial Hard

Plopsu wrote:

So how can the OP know who they want to interact with without interacting with people who message them?

Their profile, their pictures, the message they sent...

nthclare

Dial Hard wrote: »

Their profile, their pictures, the message they sent...

And trust their gut...

Something I am going to tune into more from now on......

Plopsu

Dial Hard wrote: »

Their profile, their pictures, the message they sent...

You can tell very little from any of that IMO. The profiles are generally generic, void of information or massaged to within an inch of their life. The profile pictures (unless it's different with men's profiles) are, to be generous, probably not recent.
Their opening message, unless it's actually offensive in some way or overtly sexual, probably won't tell you anything about them. It's a message from somebody you've never met to somebody they've never met. What's it really going to tell you? It'll either just be a wave, stuff that's already in their profile or (best case scenario) something about things in your profile (which tells you nothing about them).

Dial Hard

Plopsu wrote: »

You can tell very little from any of that IMO. The profiles are generally generic, void of information or massaged to within an inch of their life. The profile pictures (unless it's different with men's profiles) are, to be generous, probably not recent.
Their opening message, unless it's actually offensive in some way or overtly sexual, probably won't tell you anything about them. It's a message from somebody you've never met to somebody they've never met. What's it really going to tell you? It'll either just be a wave, stuff that's already in their profile or (best case scenario) something about things in your profile (which tells you nothing about them).

Are you honestly suggesting that everyone should get into a full-blown conversation with every single person that messages them on OD, regardless of whether anything on their profile, in their message or in their photos actually interests them, just in case they've missed something the person could easily have included in any of the above mentioned items if they had anything interesting to include in the first place???

Off you go, so. Meanwhile, back in the real world, nobody has the time or inclination for that and are generally perfectly well-equipped to make a decision based on everything I've just mentioned.

Plopsu

Dial Hard wrote: »

Are you honestly suggesting that everyone should get into a full-blown conversation with every single person that messages them on OD, regardless of whether anything on their profile, in their message or in their photos actually interests them, just in case they've missed something the person could easily have included in any of the above mentioned items if they had anything interesting to include in the first place???

Off you go, so. Meanwhile, back in the real world, nobody has the time or inclination for that and are generally perfectly well-equipped to make a decision based on everything I've just mentioned.

Oh I know, the sheer horror of a 'full blown conversation'. Imagine even suggesting such a thing to somebody who's specifically gone into a forum for meeting people. What was I thinking .
Yes, in the real world, you can make snap decisions about people too and in the real world you'd be just as frequently wrong.
Personally I'd say that if somebody can adequately give you an idea of who they are in a paragraph or two, then there can't be much to know.

Idle Passerby

Plopsu wrote: »

Oh I know, the sheer horror of a 'full blown conversation'. Imagine even suggesting such a thing to somebody who's specifically gone into a forum for meeting people. What was I thinking .
Yes, in the real world, you can make snap decisions about people too and in the real world you'd be just as frequently wrong.
Personally I'd say that if somebody can adequately give you an idea of who they are in a paragraph or two, then there can't be much to know.

The onus is on every individual to present themselves accurately in their profile. Why should someone reply to a generic message from a person with a blank bio? That kind of profile is common enough and its the online equivalent of sitting in the corner with a grump on your face and giving out that no one is friendly.

Or lets say your an animal lover and the person whose messaged you says they are into fox hunting. You already know enough about them to know you don't share the same values and that's just in interest they've mentioned.

You wont find out a persons life story form an online profile but you should be able to see enough to get an idea if you have anything in common to start from.

Plopsu

Idle Passerby wrote: »

The onus is on every individual to present themselves accurately in their profile. Why should someone reply to a generic message from a person with a blank bio? That kind of profile is common enough and its the online equivalent of sitting in the corner with a grump on your face and giving out that no one is friendly.

Or lets say your an animal lover and the person whose messaged you says they are into fox hunting. You already know enough about them to know you don't share the same values and that's just in interest they've mentioned.

You wont find out a persons life story form an online profile but you should be able to see enough to get an idea if you have anything in common to start from.

Some truth in that but my point was that within a week Mr fox hunter will have worked out that he's missing out on all the animal loving cuties and will remove it from his profile. Hence my description above of profiles as void, generic or massaged. And generic is what most of them are (that aren't blank) so pretty much everybody has the same few things in common.

woodchuck

Plopsu wrote: »

Oh I know, the sheer horror of a 'full blown conversation'. Imagine even suggesting such a thing to somebody who's specifically gone into a forum for meeting people. What was I thinking .

The problem is, some people get bombarded with messages and it's not feasible to chat to everyone who messages you. Therefore people need to pick and choose who they talk to. Often it does come down to things like information (or lack there of) on their profile, their opening message, their photos etc. All you have to go on is how they've presented themselves. Some people will naturally appear more appealing than others and those are the ones you choose to engage with.

Could you be missing out on a good thing with somebody you didn't reply to? Of course. But again, you don't have time to message them all, so need to make choices very early on about who to even chat to. It gets even tougher when you're deciding who to meet up with :P

Plopsu

woodchuck wrote: »

The problem is, some people get bombarded with messages and it's not feasible to chat to everyone who messages you. Therefore people need to pick and choose who they talk to. Often it does come down to things like information (or lack there of) on their profile, their opening message, their photos etc. All you have to go on is how they've presented themselves. Some people will naturally appear more appealing than others and those are the ones you choose to engage with.

Could you be missing out on a good thing with somebody you didn't reply to? Of course. But again, you don't have time to message them all, so need to make choices very early on about who to even chat to. It gets even tougher when you're deciding who to meet up with :P

Meh, maybe you're right. Hopefully, the OP won't find herself in six months as one of those women lamenting the lack of genuine guys in her bio or wailing about mind games.

FriendFree93

Jaysus im more spooked now 😂😂

up for anything

There's an online dating forum on boards, not for dating but to share experiences, where you'd get a lot of your questions answered. You have to ask for access to it though and I can't remember which mods. Ah, I just checked my PMs. The mod is conor_ie and the forum is ODG. Send him a PM maybe.

woodchuck

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