Possible Borderline Personality Disorder, I'm thinking of admitting myself to hospita

dentonmyphone

I'm constantly writing on forums, boards etc about my issues, I just set up a separate account for this.

I'm 21, male, and currently a college student.
I've always thought I had depression either dysthymia or something more severe like clinical, or maybe both.

I also went to my college doctor (and my own GP) about possible bipolar 2 or cyclothymia.
I've thought there's something wrong with me for years, there has to be, but when I was referred for a psych consult they said I should go to see a counsellor, but I am not bipolar.
Even at 16 my parents brought me to a psychologist on the advice of a guidance counsellor..
That's the first inclination I had that others saw issues with me.

I'm very impulsive, from changing my plans in school, skipping transition year last minute to go on to 5th year to study medicine and be able to repeat if needs be, as well as picking subjects for medicine I don't actually enjoy and picking a lot of them only to burn out and fall back to TY.
To changing my songs for music practical up until the hour beforehand, to not knowing what I actually want in life.

I don't feel like I have any real identity, I don't even have a sense of style, it's whatever I see at the moment that peaks my interest, and as someone interested in fashion that's hard, and expensive.

I probably have a fear of abandonment, but not the 'oh please don't leave', more so a need to be liked, an inability to not take criticism personally and anger issues.
I also push myself away from others a lot, I always wanted to fit in and I was lucky throughout school to have one good friend, he probably has antisocial PD, but we were and still are good friends but he's in the army and I went on to college on my own.

I've also done drugs in the past, from very excessive drinking to the point where I woke up in someone elses tiny bathroom covered in puke.. with the walls and toilet covered and me walking home after they found me thinking I could have choked to death.. to weed, mdma, coke and speed.. never a lot and only once (excluding the drinking and weed), I've also smoked on nights out like many people do.
This was all with my college 'friends'.

I lost all my 'friends' in college, I thought they were my friends but when they've group chats without you and you only get invited because your their friends housemate.. I hated college for both first and second year, I clearly was never wanted, and on top of hating my field of study the last 2 years of college were the worst 2 years of my life.

I'm good at rejection though when it comes to chatting up girls.. I do it a lot on nights out, I've almost been glassed because I sat in at a table beside a girl I was chatting to not knowing her boyfriend was the opposite side of her.

I feel largely incompetent, I've had a good childhood, great parents, but I'm not really close to anyone.
Me and my dad get on great, we've very similar interests and hobbies but most of our conversations revolve around stuff I've seen online, or things I've heard on the news.
Over the past two days we've barely talked, I didn't bring up any news article or reddit post and it goes to show how little we actually talk.
I don't have any traumas to point at as the cause, it's just me having an issue with myself, and me not knowing how to function.
My inability to be normal.

I've been thinking of admitting myself to hospital, I started thinking it two days ago and that was for depression but now I don't know.. I probably have BPD, so maybe it's even more of a cause for admission..
Or maybe I'm overreacting.
I just want to get off the world, just to have it stop for awhile..

I have no sleep schedule, I get 4 hours at night and then sleep until 7pm, sleep again at 6am and wake back up tired at 1pm..
I'm not doing anything, just sitting around, I haven't left my house in over a week.
I got into a huge fight with my parents because they wanted me to go out and drive the car I got as a present recently.. I then went to put on some waffles, they took them off me because dinner was ready (sleep schedule, my breakfast comes around dinner time).. and I flew into a fit of rage slamming and smashing my hand off every countertop and wall on the way to my room where I broke down crying..
My dad saw his 21 year old, college going, son crying at 4 in the afternoon over waffles and car rides.
I often have bruises on the outer-side of my wrist (opposite side of thumb and lower) from slamming my hand off the walls or a door handle or something.


I don't know, I have no control.. I'm not on any medication, I'm not attending any counselling sessions.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to be labelled as crazy, but I also don't want to be crazy.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

Your GP is your first port of call. Please go see them as soon as you can. No one here can give you medical advice, but they can.

LegacyUser

Highly intelligent, meltdowns, no sense of self, mimicking, interpersonal difficulties, is aspergers a consideration? The time/sleep is down to habit, late to bed late to rise simple as!

FurBabyMomma

Definitely get yourself to a GP and get referred for counselling/a psychologist. There is no use you trying to diagnose yourself (and your friend, I notice), you genuinely should insist on professional help to work things out.

dentonmyphone

Karina Tiny Strife wrote: »

Your GP is your first port of call. Please go see them as soon as you can. No one here can give you medical advice, but they can.

Thanks, yeah I'm not expecting medical advice or a diagnosis of any kind.

I'm just not sure, I know how impulsive I can be.

Even now, however long after feeling the need to write the original post I'm happy.
Maybe that's a problem in itself.

One thing is I don't feel like I can talk to my GP.
He's known me since I was a baby, he'll ask 'what subjects are you studying?', 'Hows college going?', 'did you hear any word back from so and so?'..
Telling him I was depressed was like admitting it to everyone close to me.
And all I said was 'I'm not really that happy'..

I know he's there to help, I admire him as a doctor and a person, but it's not easy admitting to anyone I think I need help.
I almost broke down telling the primary nurse my symptoms before seeing the doctor in college.. I mean I shook in my seat, I had to tap my foot to stay grounded and my voice shook with me.

dentonmyphone

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

Definitely get yourself to a GP and get referred for counselling/a psychologist. There is no use you trying to diagnose yourself (and your friend, I notice), you genuinely should insist on professional help to work things out.

We've talked about it before, he said 'I'm just honest', like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted.
He's a good person though but he has no conscience, no moral compass other than 'nah my mam will kill me', he was constantly in trouble with teachers..
But that's him not me.

What do I say 'I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder?', 'I think I should admit myself to a psych hospital?'..
I told my brother I was going to see the career guidance counsellor when I was going to see a psychologist, I had to go see the psychologist because of a career guidance counsellor.
I couldn't tell him, I just about got the words out to my parents that I think I might have cyclothymia.. to which they responded 'you don't want to have that, that's serious'..
So what can I expect from this?
It seems like it's therapy twice weekly for 2+ years..
Or a stay in a psychiatric hospital as many with BPD are admitted.

Dalomanakora

Firstly op, I think you need to drop all the self diagnosing.

Borderline, bipolar, depression, cyclothymia, dysthymia, it seems like you're just desperate for ANY diagnosis. Any explanation for why you feel the way you do, and a diagnosis so you can be treated and all fixed up, right?


Unfortunately it doesn't totally work like that. Firstly I'd stop suggesting to people that you have X, Y and Z illnesses. You may well have one or even two comorbid with each other, but all of the self diagnosing is only going to lead to your family and friends not believing you, especially if your ideas as to what's wrong with you change as frequently as they do in this thread!


With regards to actually getting help. Obviously your GP is your first port of call. Despite your reservations there, he will help, and will refer you to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you and set up a treatment plan.


A diagnosis is not an immediate thing with mental illness, not all of the time anyway. It actually took a long time for me to get a correct diagnosis.


As for treatment being therapy twice a week for two years? Nah, not really. For most illnesses, it's a mixture of meds and some form of therapy (counselling, dbt, CBT, psychoanalysis etc).

It doesn't have to be twice a week and for a few years. Even at my absolute worst when I was considered at very high risk of suicide, I sure as hell didn't have therapy twice a week, that would never fit into my schedule!


For me personally, it took a number of years to get correct treatment. Once I got a treatment plan that worked for me, and I fully engaged, I was out of therapy (weekly) and off all meds within about 9 months. I was never admitted to a hospital either, it was suggested a few times but I pushed through and thankfully never needed it. Most people with borderline don't need it, and most people with borderline actually out grow their symptoms by their mid to late twenties.


There's obviously something not right and you want help. So go talk to your GP, leave your own diagnoses at the door, and listen to the experts and what they diagnose you with. I understand it, you want to stick a name on it so that you can then treat it. But you can't do that yourself and tbh, I think most humans can make themsel fit into most mental illness diagnostic criteria!

Go talk to your GP, tell them how you've been feeling, and just ask for help. After that, just show up for your appointments and engage with them. You've got this.

dentonmyphone

Dalomanakora wrote: »

Firstly op, I think you need to drop all the self diagnosing.

Borderline, bipolar, depression, cyclothymia, dysthymia, it seems like you're just desperate for ANY diagnosis. Any explanation for why you feel the way you do, and a diagnosis so you can be treated and all fixed up, right?


Unfortunately it doesn't totally work like that. Firstly I'd stop suggesting to people that you have X, Y and Z illnesses. You may well have one or even two comorbid with each other, but all of the self diagnosing is only going to lead to your family and friends not believing you, especially if your ideas as to what's wrong with you change as frequently as they do in this thread!


With regards to actually getting help. Obviously your GP is your first port of call. Despite your reservations there, he will help, and will refer you to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you and set up a treatment plan.


A diagnosis is not an immediate thing with mental illness, not all of the time anyway. It actually took a long time for me to get a correct diagnosis.


As for treatment being therapy twice a week for two years? Nah, not really. For most illnesses, it's a mixture of meds and some form of therapy (counselling, dbt, CBT, psychoanalysis etc).

It doesn't have to be twice a week and for a few years. Even at my absolute worst when I was considered at very high risk of suicide, I sure as hell didn't have therapy twice a week, that would never fit into my schedule!


For me personally, it took a number of years to get correct treatment. Once I got a treatment plan that worked for me, and I fully engaged, I was out of therapy (weekly) and off all meds within about 9 months. I was never admitted to a hospital either, it was suggested a few times but I pushed through and thankfully never needed it. Most people with borderline don't need it, and most people with borderline actually out grow their symptoms by their mid to late twenties.


There's obviously something not right and you want help. So go talk to your GP, leave your own diagnoses at the door, and listen to the experts and what they diagnose you with. I understand it, you want to stick a name on it so that you can then treat it. But you can't do that yourself and tbh, I think most humans can make themsel fit into most mental illness diagnostic criteria!

Go talk to your GP, tell them how you've been feeling, and just ask for help. After that, just show up for your appointments and engage with them. You've got this.

I have not told any friends, I told my parents after the first doctors visit in college where she set up a psych consult because I might have (had) cyclothymia, that's when I told them.

My ideas of what's wrong with me don't change frequently, I know, I live it, I'm well aware that not having any real sense of self, impulsivity and severe depression are largely the issue.

This is what I found when looking at DBT in Ireland.. "Sessions are held three afternoons a week over a six week period.

There follows one group a week for four weeks and then one group a month for four months" That's from St Patricks Mental Health Services..

I appreciate what you're saying, none of what I have mentioned was fleeting, I didn't decide to say I have cyclothymia, or that I had Bipolar but not bipolar one because I'm not manic etc. etc.
I do look up about it online, I started doing that in my mid teens, I saw parts of myself in a lot of different things, I know what you're saying; it's very easy to say "I have OCD, I have to double check to make sure the doors are locked before I leave the house" as a way of labelling yourself..
I don't think I'm doing that..

I do want an answer.
It's not normal, everyone around me in college seemed content, they enjoyed their courses and had friends, I stuck with a housemate because he knew a lot of people.
I spent a lot of my time choking in my room, just feeling like I was about to be sick, or that I had dropped the barbell on my neck..
So I am looking for something to explain what's wrong, so my parents can't keep saying I'm just lazy, I'm childish, I'm wasting time and money, that I need to grow up.
If I knew what it was I could tac it to my chest and finally have a reason for throwing away €300 on a trip I never went on.

Or why I went from having all nursing courses on my CAO to having all Finance, despite hating maths, then it was Creative Writing (I don't read often), to general business.

Or that even as a young teen I spend €100 on rugby gear, shoulder pads, scrum cap, gloves, specific boots the whole 9 yards.. and I probably ran 9 yards and didn't go to the second training.

But thank you, I'm going to set up an appointment, that just means telling my parents I need to see the doctor but I do need to..
Thanks.

LegacyUser

A psych consult is with a psychiatrist!? Have you seen one already?

You’ve mention no highs so how does cyclo come into play? You’ve also said you were once interested in studies medicine, you know it’s not that unusual for conditions to resonate once you read/learn about them. It doesn’t mean you have one or any of them.

Indecisiveness in teenage years isn’t unusual. Not knowing what you want to do/where you want to go in life at 18 (and much older) is fairly typical. Plenty people much older spend money on sports equipment and gym membership they never use. People back out of trips they’ve committed to. It’s like you’re trying to claw at behaviour that you consider “untypical” when it’s in fact not all that unusual.

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

shesty

Two things...well, three.
Get out of google and stop looking to put a name on what might be wrong with you.It's up to someone with professional knowledge to do that.If you aren't comfortable with your GP, go find another one.Seriously
You need to sort out your biological clock.The sleep thing has an element of habit to it, and nobody is right when they have a sleep schedule like yours.Bad sleep habits can impact your life in an extreme manner, there are many studies out there about the impact of shift working on people's health.You are essentially seeing this.
There was one point in your last post that made me wonder....about buying loads of rugby gear and only going to one session as a boy.Out of interest, did you have a hobby as a child?I mean did you do something that you stuck at or were made to stick at at all??Or did you take lots of stuff up and drop it quickly?

dentonmyphone

shesty wrote: »

Two things...well, three.
Get out of google and stop looking to put a name on what might be wrong with you.It's up to someone with professional knowledge to do that.If you aren't comfortable with your GP, go find another one.Seriously
You need to sort out your biological clock.The sleep thing has an element of habit to it, and nobody is right when they have a sleep schedule like yours.Bad sleep habits can impact your life in an extreme manner, there are many studies out there about the impact of shift working on people's health.You are essentially seeing this.
There was one point in your last post that made me wonder....about buying loads of rugby gear and only going to one session as a boy.Out of interest, did you have a hobby as a child?I mean did you do something that you stuck at or were made to stick at at all??Or did you take lots of stuff up and drop it quickly?

I was made stick to a lot of things, golf, soccer, football, hurling..
I went through periods of thinking 'alright if I go down and play golf everyday, and really work on getting my handicap down I could get down to single figures within the year, if I kept at that I could go to America on a scholarship and play for them.. all the pros started at my age etc. etc.
I've also stuck at guitar, but I'd get really intense and play it constantly for awhile and then I'd drop it for awhile.

I've always been very impulsive, my parents say I've an addictive personality, I can drink 9 or 10 cups of tea a day, so much so it becomes a habit of hitting the kettle every time I go into the room.

I woke up at a reasonable hour today actually.. it definitely makes me feel worse, but at the same time I don't notice a huge improvement, or at least not a prolonged one.

dentonmyphone

Baby4 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'm just from a small village so I know the doctors well, I get on well with him, I don't get on well with the other doctor as much.
It would mean getting the train or the bus into the city, and either going to a random GP or going to the psychiatric hospital, or just a hospital..

I do think I need to talk to someone, someone qualified, it's quite obvious I need to talk to someone because I'm writing anonymously here but it's not really helping other than pointing me in the right direction.. which is what I need.

But I'm justified in thinking that, surely?
I remember coming home from a night out in college, I was going back to clean the place the day before I left (student accommodation) and my housemate was with me, he said 'I just have to grab my hoodie I'll be over in a bit" and he went off to someones house, I picked that as an excuse to go to a friends house and not clean up..

I got annoyed to the point where I put my fist through the window at the entrance of our apartment block.. that's not normal....
I don't know how I came out without a scratch.

Hmm_Messiah

I think you need to contact your GP, or any GP . I am not sure how it would be a great burden to travel elsewhere if need be, if you are so concerned about your health and well being

Other than directing you to medical help, and reassuring you things can improve significantly , I am not sure if people should really continue to add to your post. to an extent the questions are only " enabling" your determination to self diagnose, and invite reply which only allow you to remain in the frame of mind about all the things you are feeling and how they might be A, or B or C .

SO, get help, I would say as soon as possible, only so you will see the great feeling of release and progress when you have shared your concerns with some one professional


Stop looking up symptoms, conditions and such. It would be more useful to instead document YOUR actual feelings and concerns daily , but even then for a short time only - a week or two - as further would only create a ritual , keeping you in " negative mode"


AS soon as you take the steps to get help you will feel significantly better; even if the road is long (and it need not be) your efforts then would be constructive rather than just descriptive .

And best of luck. IF as you say you have posted on multiple forums etc, one part of your progress will be able to return after getting help to show how you improved - a marker for yourself, but for others experiencing the same frustrations with their mental health

seamus

OP, the most obvious thing reading your posts is that it would pointless, bordering on dangerous, for me to try and analyse what you're saying, in an attempt to offer help.

Because you will just take whatever I say and plug that into Google as a possible symptom to add another possible diagnosis to your manifest.

You have already identified the next steps, and that has been reiterated by everyone here. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your usual GP, you can attend any.

One thing to be careful of is leading any professional to the diagnosis you think you have. You can unintentionally do this by telling them the symptoms you think you have, which leads them down the path towards the diagnosis you're expecting. Instead, let the medical professional lead the conversation, let them ask the questions. This is how they pull a diagnosis together, whereas if you're certain about which symptoms are important, you'll omit other ones which may be just as relevant.

Best of luck, I hope even the act of being honest about this offers you some clarity.

Rubberchikken

Go ro a gp. It doesnt have to be the one youve gone to in the past.
The self diagnosing isnt helpful. If anything its stopping you from gettin professional help.

wiggle16

dentonmyphone wrote: »

I don't know what to do, I don't want to be labelled as crazy, but I also don't want to be crazy.

Not to be harsh for the sake of it, and I'm going to sound unkind, but you need to stop diagnosing yourself and let a doctor do it.

A quick experiment will show just how pointless researching this yourself is: go to Google and type in three adjectives that describe your current mood. You will get a wide selection of medical and psychological conditions to choose from. That is why a search engine is no replacement for a doctor. You need to stop researching this yourself and go to a GP.

Stop telling people you have various conditions - they will think you are malingering and disbelieve you. And by telling people that you do have one or more of these conditions, that is effectively what you are doing anyway. You won't be labelled as crazy. There is no such thing as crazy - there are only mental illnesses, and they require diagnosis and treatment. If you don't seek that, nothing will change.

It certainly sounds like there is something wrong with you (I don't mean that in the pejorative), and you admit that, but you've given yourself a smorgasbord of possible conditions to select from when you are not qualified to do so, and it comes across like you are at pains to convince yourself there is something specifically wrong but you're not sure what it should be. You're not qualified to do that.

If I came onto boards and said I have a fever, localised swelling, chills and a host of other symptoms and then gave a list of possible conditions, many of them contraindicative, no one would be able to diagnose me - nor should they try. Just because your symptoms are not physical does not change that.

You say you are not on medications, nor attending counselling - and at the moment that is perfectly correct, because you don't know if you need medication or if you need counselling, or both, or neither, because you do not have a diagnosis.

I would strongly urge you, for both your sake and your parent's sake, to go and speak to a GP and start from scratch. Stop speculating and self-diagnosing.

Best of luck, and I hope you get to the bottom of it and things improve for you soon x