How to Deal With a Neighbour Sensitively?

Kintarō Hattori

Hi Folks,

I'm looking for a little advice as to how to handle a situation with a degree of sensitivity. Essentially my next door neighbour seems to be going through some sort of issue, resulting from numerous stresses they've experienced over the last few years.
In the evening and particularly at times past midnight they get into a strop and slam the internal doors of their house before eventually storming out the front door, slamming it hard and then slamming the metal gate. They then get into their car, which always seems to be left in reverse, it rolls back a bit and then they take off revving the high heavens out of their car. Last night it looked like they were going to hit a parked car more than once. This can happen a few times during the course of the night. It's one person living alone.

Essentially my concern is that they are going through a tough time mentally and they are unable to cope. When they get into their car they aren't in a good frame of mind and I'm sure it's only a matter of time until they cause an accident.

I tried speaking to someone who was formerly good friends with this person but they've basically shut them out. They haven't been super approachable at the best of times and have dismissed my partners recent interest in their general well being. While I am concerned for them and others safety I also have a 13 month old baby to think about as they've woken her up more than once.

Many thanks for any advice.

seamus

You're probably beyond the point of "sensitively" tbh.

If they're living alone, but still losing the rag and storming out, then they're clearly in a unreasonable frame of mind. Their anger could be explained by mundane things like spending too much time looking at incendiary stuff online, but stable people don't get wildly angry and storm out of their own house.

When they get in that car, there might be alcohol or drugs in their system, or they might in the middle of psychotic episode - meaning they could easily hurt themselves or someone else, accidentally or intentionally.

Going in to have a chat will be a waste of your time. You could become the focus of his ire and start waking to late night banging on the door, firing accusations of all sorts at you.

Unfortunately, HSE assistance for mental health issues can be poor if you're seeking it for yourself, never mind trying to seek it for someone else. See if you can contact the local HSE mental health team. They may be useful, they may be not. See how far you get with them.

I would also ask to make an appointment with the local Garda Sergeant. This is not just a personal safety issue for your neighbour, but a public safety issue for the local community. At least if the Gardai are aware this individual has problems, they may be better at getting through to him or getting assistance for him.

If you keep hitting dead-ends, <SNIP>

Mod Note

Suggestions of illegal activity removed. Don't go there!

utmbuilder

Think she needs valium from the gp and the keys taken away, sounds nutty

Anxiety depression doesn't really cause this type of rage

Strange she's alone and still losing it so regularly

the_syco

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Last night it looked like they were going to hit a parked car more than once.

Sounds like they could be drunk. Ring the Gardai, give make, model, colour registration of the car, the direction they went, and how badly drunk they looked.

AfterLife

I'd be inclined to park a few spaces over lest she hits your car.

realitykeeper

I would start recording these outbursts discreetly. Normally I would say substance abuse is the cause of unreasonable behavior but in this case the person may be venting because of something that happened in their past. Approaching this person about his midnight tantrums may make matters worse. I do not envy your predicament. Hopefully it is just a passing phase.

dharma200

op asks for help to handle a situation with sensitivity.
Boards posters tell op to call the guards (jaysus, no crime, banging doors, revving of car, call the guards??? eh ok) and privately recording person without telling them (that is creepy imho)

It is essentailly a noise issue ( we ALL might hit a car, but if it hasnt happened yet it hasnt happened), all the rest is just speculation. The person is making too much noise at night. The simple thing to do is to approach said person and explain, in a forthright manner, that they are causing a disturbance at night, and could they please not. If this doesnt work by all means take it further.

The op seems worried about this person, and maybe they are going through an episode, but essentially they are making too much noise. The whole they are taking drugs, drunk, call the guards, like seriously. Banging doors is not a reportable crime, nor is revving car. Noise may well be but there has to be a bit of procedure by the complainant before calling AGS, like asking the person to not make as much noise.

Glass fused light

dharma200 wrote: »

op asks for help to handle a situation with sensitivity.
Boards posters tell op to call the guards (jaysus, no crime, banging doors, revving of car, call the guards??? eh ok) and privately recording person without telling them (that is creepy imho)

It is essentailly a noise issue ( we ALL might hit a car, but if it hasnt happened yet it hasnt happened), all the rest is just speculation. The person is making too much noise at night. The simple thing to do is to approach said person and explain, in a forthright manner, that they are causing a disturbance at night, and could they please not. If this doesnt work by all means take it further.

The op seems worried about this person, and maybe they are going through an episode, but essentially they are making too much noise. The whole they are taking drugs, drunk, call the guards, like seriously. Banging doors is not a reportable crime, nor is revving car. Noise may well be but there has to be a bit of procedure by the complainant before calling AGS, like asking the person to not make as much noise.

The acts of slamming out of an empty house late at night and taking off at a speed results in the driver being unable to control the car are not the acts of a person in control of their actions. If drugs or drink are involved or even mental issues the driving erratically is a concern that should be brought to the attention of the Gardai. If for no other reason than that if arrested the Gardai can request a medical assessment of the neighbour.

The OP could and should approach the neighbour about the noise and ask them to stop but if the same actions are happening a couple of times a night I doubt that they will have much sucess. As Seamus pointed out if it's a mental issue the neighbour could begin to direct the anger towards the OP.

That's not to say OP that you could open a chat with an inquiry to find out if things were ok rather than making a noise complaint.

OP you could try asking the ex-friend if it would appropite and possible to try contact family members to make them aware that you neighbour is in need of help.

dr.fuzzenstein

One possibility (if it's really bad) is to intercept them when they're in a more rational state of mind, look them square in the eye and say "Listen up here buddy, you've been acting like a lunatic and making an unholy racket. I don't give 2 sh*ts what your fcuking problem is, but it stops right here, right now! Get! Help!" turn around and walk away, don't wait for an answer.
Say it in such a way that suggests that right now you are still being nice (but look VERY pissed off), but next time you won't be.
People who freak out like that are unapproachable in the heat of the moment, but once they calm down might feel guilty about it and this approach might shake them enough to cop on. You haven't touched them, you haven't threatened them.
Once the situation is back to normal, you can turn on the friendly again.
Unreasonable people don't listen to reason.

ballyargus

dr.fuzzenstein wrote:

One possibility (if it's really bad) is to intercept them when they're in a more rational state of mind, look them square in the eye and say "Listen up here buddy, you've been acting like a lunatic and making an unholy racket. I don't give 2 sh*ts what your fcuking problem is, but it stops right here, right now! Get! Help!" turn around and walk away, don't wait for an answer. Say it in such a way that suggests that right now you are still being nice (but look VERY pissed off), but next time you won't be. People who freak out like that are unapproachable in the heat of the moment, but once they calm down might feel guilty about it and this approach might shake them enough to cop on. You haven't touched them, you haven't threatened them. Once the situation is back to normal, you can turn on the friendly again. Unreasonable people don't listen to reason.

That's atrocious advice

dr.fuzzenstein

ballyargus wrote: »

That's atrocious advice

Or OP can try pissing around with the usual gards, management company, landlord, the situation will drag and drag, nothing will get done, no one will give a sh*t or want to get involved, maybe try something via court, takes years, costs thousands, will get ignored anyway.
Ireland is great for letting sh*t like that just fester away because "jaysis no, approaching someone and talking to them, the heavens would fall, couldn't be doing that!".
Of course in Ireland it gets dealt with by giving out about it in the pub or online, just as long as there is no direct confrontation, people would be far too mortified.
I'm back in Germany now, you do something to annoy people, believe me you'd be told where to go.

ballyargus

dr.fuzzenstein wrote: »

Or OP can try pissing around with the usual gards, management company, landlord, the situation will drag and drag, nothing will get done, no one will give a sh*t or want to get involved, maybe try something via court, takes years, costs thousands, will get ignored anyway.
Ireland is great for letting sh*t like that just fester away because "jaysis no, approaching someone and talking to them, the heavens would fall, couldn't be doing that!".
Of course in Ireland it gets dealt with by giving out about it in the pub or online, just as long as there is no direct confrontation, people would be far too mortified.
I'm back in Germany now, you do something to annoy people, believe me you'd be told where to go.

Somebody suffering from mental issues or depression may not react very well to that type of approach at all. That's all I'm saying.

Tipsy McSwagger

You’re going to have to tell them to cop the hell on tbh. This person has no respect for their neighbors with this type of carry on. Just knock on their door and politely ask them to stop making so much noise. If they keep it up then knock again and be a lot more straightforward. Personally I would call the guards and tell hem I suspect they are drink driving which it sounds like they are.

mvl

But does it matter if the person/OP is renting or owning the place ?

If the noisy neighbor/OP are house owners - then maybe its worth trying to do some background checks (have they relatives that would know how to handle them/care) before going to confront them or go to talk to the guards even.

And if I were in OPs position and renting, with a toddler, I would consider moving to a quieter/safer area. For now at least it appears there is no interaction, just noise; but imagine if they're told and have a bad reaction.

realitykeeper

dharma200 wrote: »

op asks for help to handle a situation with sensitivity.
Boards posters tell op to call the guards (jaysus, no crime, banging doors, revving of car, call the guards??? eh ok) and privately recording person without telling them (that is creepy imho)

It is essentailly a noise issue ( we ALL might hit a car, but if it hasnt happened yet it hasnt happened), all the rest is just speculation. The person is making too much noise at night. The simple thing to do is to approach said person and explain, in a forthright manner, that they are causing a disturbance at night, and could they please not. If this doesnt work by all means take it further.

The op seems worried about this person, and maybe they are going through an episode, but essentially they are making too much noise. The whole they are taking drugs, drunk, call the guards, like seriously. Banging doors is not a reportable crime, nor is revving car. Noise may well be but there has to be a bit of procedure by the complainant before calling AGS, like asking the person to not make as much noise.

What are you trying to do to the op, get them killed? Approaching the person in a forthright manner is a terrible idea. This person is obviously unstable and how they might react is unpredictable. Even if they do not react immediately, their bad behaviour could escalate.

Reporting them may result in Gardaí calling around to have a chat with him but I do not see that modifying his behaviour. He will simply continue behaving badly and the Gardai will continue calling around to talk to him. Such cases are usually only finalized when the complainant has a body of evidence.

The sooner evidence is gathered, the sooner a problem like this can be dealt with. The BBC have a series called "the nightmare neighbour nextdoor." It is worth watching.

cassid

I have a neighbour who was drinking himself to death. He had medical issues and he was trying to escape them. I used to bake every week and leave it in his porch. He came over one day and said he was going to get help and would be away for a few months. He has stopped drinking, my children pop over with his cakes now and when you meet him, i would always ask hows the bloody pain, he talks rather than bottles it up. He got a dog which has given him a focus to get out of the bed.
Sad part is that his family live really close and i think they could do more but maybe they got fed up.
Its nothing like your situation but a cup of tea, a little offering might give you a better understanding of what could be going on. But behaviour like that is erratic and obviously something sigificant contributing to that behaviour. Even a chat to your public health nurse and explain you are concerned about their behaviour and worried about their safety.
.

Kintarō Hattori

Hey Folks,

Apologies that I haven't had a chance to reply until now. I don't believe drink is involved and really do think it's a mental health issue that has been some time building up. I think we will keep a record of what's been happening and when, so if anything comes to a head, we at least have that to show a pattern. This person has family but from what I know they don't want to be involved so they are on their own. We've been neighbours for some time now and have tried to get to know them better, being friendly in the past but they aren't a warm sort so haven't been receptive of that.

It's a bit soon for us to be thinking about moving away so we'll see what happens for the moment.

realitykeeper

I fully agree. I think you are wise in your assessment.