Kissed my married friend

LegacyUser

A friend and ex I haven't seen in years was in town this weekend and we ended up meeting up and going out for drinks with other friends to catch up. I suppose the vital part of this story is that we used to be an item - a decade ago - but it didn't work out, but for a variety of less than simple reasons and I do consider it one of the biggest regrets in my life and the classic 'what if' scenario. But, life moves on, and I was even at her wedding and it was all fine, really, I made my peace with it though we don't really speak anymore in general as I wanted to just move past all that and not be dwelling on it.

Anyway, fast forward to Friday night, and we ended up talking into the early hours and having a little too much to drink with friends. At one point we called it a night, but as I was getting a glass of water in the kitchen she came back downstairs and sort of initiated conversation with me and we ended up having more drinks....but talk started to shift to the past and what could've been, and we ended up kissing - not just a 5 second thing but a genuine, passionate embrace that we both ackowledged was wrong...but kept doing it anyway. Not just kissing, but real affection and intimacy (emotional intimacy I mean, things didn't progress past kissing) and she fell asleep in my arms.

What makes this worst is that I know her husband and his family quite well and he's a great guy and they've built a great life together - they've a house together and I know kids were being planned. Yes, they've had a few problems lately but I genuinely think they're a solid couple and pretty happy so I cannot believe I have done this to them. Now I feel absolutely sick to my stomach thinking about what I've done. I know it takes two to tango but I'm so ashamed of myself I don't know where to turn. If it was 'just' a kiss it'd be one thing but it's the emotional aspect to it that's tearing me up. I feel like it's actually about tenfold worse than a meaningless physical interaction.

So now I hate myself for letting it happen, for dragging back up so many old feelings, and for doing this to the husband as well. I've no idea if she will tell him, but I do think it's up to her so I haven't mentioned it. If she does it'll have some implications as we've a lot of mutual friends (not really concerned about that right now in the overall picture though). We're spoken to each other and apologised but not actually even discussed it at all and I don't know what to do from here. She lives in Germany and she's gone back now, so I can't just meet her face to face. I feel terrified even thinking of texting her wondering about what if the husband sees. Even if he never found out how could I ever look this guy in the eye again. I do still feel really strongly about her but I'm scared that I've potentially played a part in wrecking a marriage.

I don't know what to do. I just feel awful and like I'm about to throw up all the time. This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life. Does anyone have any suggestions? I just really needed to get this off my chest.

helimachoptor

forget about her, dont talk/see her again.

sexmag

just leave it and move on with your life.

Shes married and shes potentionally wrecking her life and marriage which is her problem and not yours.

Try and find new connections to help you move past this and hopefulyl you can forget about her and move on

Xterminator

Hi Op

you seem very hard on yourself here. and very very soft on the lady involved.

You didn't marry the husband, she did. you have not betrayed your vows, she did. now you know your shouldn't have, and morally its wrong, but IMO she has the greater responsibility, (as the married person).

sBut in the scheme of things, its a kiss. In the cold light of day, it doesn't amount to a lot. Im not sure why you are reacting so strongly, is there something in your past that has made you so sensitive to cheating ?

This is probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life

I really think thats either hyperbole or you are a saint.

Going forward, no confessions, id email her and say how are you, hope your not angry. See if the friendship can be salvaged.
Chalk it up to expereince and don't drink wine late into the night one on one with married friends you have feelings for.

Peatys

Not your fault. You don't have a marriage to think about, she does.

Cut communication, and move on with your life.

skallywag

It's not my intention to kick you when you are down OP, but what you did is pretty much as low as you can go in my book, so you're justifiably feeling very bad right now.

That said, there is no point in crucifying yourself about it either, take it as a lesson learned and move on. You do seem genuinely contrite.

I would urge you strongly not to initiate any contact with her, and if she initiates it with you I would keep my distance.

ginandtonicsky

skallywag wrote: »

It's not my intention to kick you when you are down OP, but what you did is pretty much as low as you can go in my book, so you're justifiably feeling very bad right now.

Ah here. Murdering a child is probably the lowest thing you can do. Kissing a married woman doesn't even come close to it, terrible and all as it is. Personally I think the woman is worse off here as far as sin-committing goes.

OP, you've still got feelings for someone you have history with and got drunk with them and started reminiscing. Recipe for disaster. I wouldn't be safe getting hammered with my ex either.

I think given how you feel, a little part of you may be obsessing over this because it's obviously what you secretly wanted to happen, and maybe secretly want to happen again. I'm not judging you, as obviously if you weren't totally gee-eyed you'd have used better judgement and not kissed a married woman. But it's important to acknowledge it all the same. And also acknowledge the fact that getting in touch with her is inadvisable for that reason.

Don't contact her, just get on with things. It'll all blow over sooner than you know and getting in touch with her may lead to further emotional intimacy or more feelings on your part.

wiggle16

The best thing you can do is put it behind you and forget it ever happened.

Minimise contact with this woman and don't allow yourself to get into similar situations with her, which could lead to intimacy, again.

Most of all stop beating yourself up over it. You clearly regret it, but you can't undo it, so just chalk it up to a bad mistake arising from a moment of weakness, and leave it behind. No one got hurt. It can happen to the best of us.

You made a mistake, it happens. You can't make up for it by agonising over it.

LuckyLloyd

I think your sense that emotional intimacy is more of a serious thing than physical intimacy is correct. In that sense, I'd disagree with some of the replies saying 'it's only a kiss' / 'just forget about it'.

However, there's a lot of practical realities here in respect of you living in different countries; her being married; her owning property; etc. If you text her / contact her to dredge over what it meant or what it could mean you're increasing the destabilizing effect of it on her marriage and to what practical end? Would it be at all realistic for her to pack a bag and get the first flight back to Dublin and ye give it a shot despite all the impediments because hey ye have each other? Maybe, but I think that stuff is largely the preserve of movies or - at least - the type of thing some people can pull off before the marriage and the house is in place, and presumably the entanglements of career / family / money / expectations.

As such, the best thing you may be able to do if your aim is not to destabilize her marriage is to resist the temptation to contact her. Easier said than done.

Don't be lumping all the blame on yourself for this either; and don't be wallowing in the negativity of it all. We're all human, genuine feelings are hard to ignore and certain scenarios can lead to things that might be strictly wrong but difficult to avoid. Be good to yourself and mind yourself.

pc7

OP life isn’t black and white it really isn’t. Don’t be beating yourself up over it. It’s done she’s gone back and I’d lay it to rest no. Absolutely do not email or text her, let it go. Even if she left her husband today and came to you her head would be all over the place. Pick yourself up and move on. The fact you’ve been pining so long for her means it could be a good idea to maybe try counseling to help close this chapter of your life so you can start a new one.

professore

Ask yourself if she is wracked with guilt. Bet she isn't. She's probably justifying it to herself. You had a lucky escape not to end up married to a cheater.

What you did was wrong but what she did was much worse.

Just forget about it and move on with your life.

Diversity for Hire

You did nothing op. It's the woman who should be feeling what you are describing.

Move on and don't contact her.

Carrie50

Your reaction is petty normal for a good guy and you must be to be feeling so guilty,good guys deserve better than a woman who would cheat on her husband,you made a mistake,everyone makes mistakes,it will take time for you to come to terms with yours but in time you will,think about looking after yourself in all this,you are better off away from this woman,it could have been much worse so be grateful it was just kissing.find a woman who deserves you and isnt married! Never put yourself in this situation again..we all can made serious mistakes when drinking..lesson learned..move on..be gentle with yourself..you are one of the good guys..

I don't know man, she's the one that got away. Faint heart never won the fair lady, why are you so certain you don't want to fight for her?

To drag out another cliche, all's fair in love and war.

liam7831

You know what they say about falling off the horse...

VonZan

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't know man, she's the one that got away. Faint heart never won the fair lady, why are you so certain you don't want to fight for her?

To drag out another cliche, all's fair in love and war.

All is not fair when she is doing this behind her husband's back. Why would he fight for someone that he knows already is an unreliable person?

If he had any backbone he would tell the husband.