Made a girl pregnant: is my life over?

LegacyUser

I'm gonna start this thread by acknowledging that this issue is entirely my own doing. My girlfriend recently found out she was pregnant. She's 34 and I'm 27, and I still feel too young to be a Dad. I should've used contraception but I was thinking with the wrong organ, unfortunately.

I have suffered pretty bad anxiety throughout my 20s, which has prevented many opportunities in my life. I am wondering how the hell will I take care of a child when I can barely take care of myself.

The reason I feel too young to be a Dad is that I still feel my life is unlived because of my anxiety; I still haven't successfully treated it. I told my friends while I was away on holidays with them, and there was a lot of piss-taking along the lines of, "your life is over", "you won't be able to do anything til your 45", etc.

I discussed the possibility of abortion with my girlfriend due to my lack of preparation and lack of confidence in my ability to be a good Dad because of my anxiety and immaturity. I also don't have a high income. My girlfriend is adamant she's having the child though because she's a Buddhist and it's terrible luck according to her to terminate a pregnancy. Plus, she's always wanted to be a mother.

Kind of at a loss with how to deal with the situation but I know I have to take responsibility. Just looking for some advice on whether my friends are rigt and my life is over.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course your life isn't over. It's a ridiculous, clichéd, lazy thing to say. Yet the people who say it think they are so witty, and original.

Your life will change, or course it will. But it's not over. Or, you have the option of walking away and doing all the things you feel you haven't done yet. As a matter of interest. What are all those things? What is the reason you haven't done them? And what makes you think that you will start doing them in the next few years, when you haven't been able to do them up until now?

ASISEEIT

First things first. You have been clear to your girlfriend you dont want to be a father?
Secondly -get help for the anxiety. See a counselor -next week.
Also see a solicitor (discreetly) and see exactly what your obligations will be long term. What you can expect.

I take it the two of you are not living together? If you are living together you might consider moving out and dealing with the anxiety first. A counselor will advise you.
The anxiety is something within your control. Your girlfriend is not. Worrying about her is a pointless activity.
Anxiety can be cured. Dont hide behind it. Not dealing with it is hiding.
Once the anxiety is under control you can decide what to do. Your girlfriend must know you suffer from this. Make it clear to her that if she proceeds with the birth-you will support her even if you dont want the baby. Keep your options open
Flashforward a year-you have anxiety under control .You want to be able to see your son or daughter.
Im not going to fool you and tell you kids are easy. They are not. But they bring tremendous joy and purpose but you will be no use unless you sort yourself out.

BTW there is no such thing as a confident dad. We all do our best. Lots of books out there to guide you. Men in worse positions than you have taken on the role and done well. Bottom line is your kid is your kid. He will love you regardless of what you think you are. Mostly for first 7/8 years they just want you around.

Sephiroth_dude

Some friends :rolleyes: your life isn't over but make a decision how involved you want to be, either be involved or don't be, get treated for the anxiety

Mr. Incognito

Hello there.

Im 36. My son is 13. He just gave me a fathers day card and made me tea.

You are looking at the negative. Kids are wonderful. Since he was born ive;

Graduated college. Had two careers. Travelled the world. Had several relationships.

Having a child is responsibility yes. But its easy because love kicks in and you wonder how you lived without them.

Respect your childs mother. always. If you say you will be there never cancel. If the relationship works out. Great. If not dont put the kid in the middle.

Stop panicking. I was 22. It was a one night stand. You have it easy.

Congratulations

Accidentally

Age wise you're perfect. Responsibility wise, you're terrified. Its very, very, very scary. This is normal.

Your friends are full of ****e, but they're probably too young to realise this. There's normally one in the group with a bit of maturity and cop on, but that's in a one to one conversation, not around a table full of lads. You can laugh at them all when they follow your lead.

If you love her, everything else will work itself out. There's two of you in this, and it won't work if only one of you is committed. Yes it's a huge responsibility, but it's also tremendously rewarding. It is NOT the end of your life.

Congratulations

nthclare

Welcome to the club Op
It's a marvelous adventure, your emotions will be a rollercoaster ride.
My boy's 17 now I'm 40

Im glad I didn't walk away from my responsibility, as kids do enhance your life.

Your partner needs support and I suppose this is the defining moment of separation from the men from the boys.

It's up to you at the end of the day, but it's going to be OK...

Anxiety can be treated, I suggest go to your gp as soon as you can, they'll understand.

If he prescribes something to take the edge away he's doing it for your own good, and for your own sake if it says don't drink alcohol on the instructions it's for a reason.

I hope all 3 of ur will be OK....

Good luck with your decision

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for your replies so far everyone.

The main sense of an unlived life stems from my social anxiety and lack of self-esteem.

I've not done lots of things normal people without social anxiety do such as joining hobby clubs, trying new things, and generally meeting people. I've not had any female friends for the last 3/4 years and I was a bit of a recluse in college.

Despite my anxiety, I like to travel alone and there are loads of parts of the world I've never got to explore. I've worked from my laptop for the last 3 years due to my anxiety also.

My two friends joking about the situation were ostensibly piss-taking, but I know there was an undercurrent of genuine belief on their behalf that my life is actually over. One of the lads never wants children and he seems weirdly enthused at my situation as if it's the worst thing that could've happened to me; pretty much spent the last few days laughing at my expense as if I've been cursed.

If I hadn't spent half my 20s in a state of social anxiety I might have made more supportive friends. But some of what they say does give me fear that the stuff I missed out on is all an impossibility now that I have a child on the way. I know I should've thought about all this when I was having unprotected sex, but that ship has sailed.

All of these thought streams are hard enough to cope with without even thinking of the child and the fact that I've never even held a child. I've always felt slightly annoyed by other people's children if I'm being totally honest. And again my anxiety creeps into my ability to take care of a kid.

In summary, I'm worried I'll spend the next 18 years failing miserably to be a good parent while simultaneously seeing any semblance of hope for a more socially fulfilled life slip away.

Big Bag of Chips

But the thing is, with or without this baby there is no guarantee that this wonderful fulfilling life that you think you are missing out on and you think you might actually have some day will happen for you. Your social anxiety and lack of self-esteem is something that unless you deal with it will always be there, and will always be holding you back from the things you feel you are missing out on.

Joining clubs, having hobbies, doing new things and meeting new people are all something you can do with children. In fact, I have met loads of people through my children that I would never have met otherwise. Before having my first child I moved to a rural area. We knew nobody. The immediate neighbours were lovely, but outside that we knew nobody. For 3 years. Then our child started playschool and suddenly every day I was meeting and getting to know other neighbours, parents, grandparents etc. When they were old enough to get involved in activities themselves I volunteered to help. I have been a hurling trainer (with no previous personal experience at all - but Under 6s tend not to be too serious about skills!), a scout leader (with no previous experience. My first time going overnight camping as a leader was my first time ever going camping!), and a drama instructor (with a small bit of previous experience).

Separate to my children I have joined a sports club, a drama group and a band.

So having children doesn't mean your life is over. In fact having children will open up opportunities that you might never have otherwise considered.

It's a big step. All my pregnancies were planned, and I was still a bit shell shocked each time I found out there was another on the way. It's a big, life long commitment. And one which people should consider and should feel nervous about. Most people have little to no experience of babies before having their first and everyone learns on the job.

Mousewar

angstydad wrote: »

The reason I feel too young to be a Dad is that I still feel my life is unlived because of my anxiety;.

This will be living life. It's a great experience, better than all that interrailing crap.
Congratulations!

Mikenesson

I'm sure your unborn child will manage just fine with their anxious dad

Not an adequate reason to consider abortion

Couchpotato82

You got your girlfriend pregnant. Not “a girl”. Grow up for **** sake and take responsibility for your actions. You’re 27, not 17.

lulu1

Couchpotato82 wrote: »

You got your girlfriend pregnant. Not “a girl”. Grow up for **** sake and take responsibility for your actions. You’re 27, not 17.

My thoughts exactly

splinter65

Your child will be born and you can decide to be in his or her life or not. No one can make you do anything. Your child’s mother will see to it that your child is fed and clothed and loved and you can contribute to that in many ways or you can hide and try and pretend it’s not happening. Either way it’s happening and there’s nothing you can do about it. I can 100% gauruntee that the best outcome for you and the child will be achieved if you are involved but no one can make you if you don’t want to.
I don’t know what your friends mean when they say that your “life is over”. I mean it’s not as if your having such an exciting fulfilling life so far is it? How can becoming a father make it worse?

LegacyUser

Couchpotato82 wrote: »

You got your girlfriend pregnant. Not “a girl”. Grow up for **** sake and take responsibility for your actions. You’re 27, not 17.

Nice to see we're still in that mentality in Ireland where people are told to simply shrug off mental illness like it's nothing. Or was this just an excuse to vent your anger at a randomer on the internet?

Because if you bothered your arse reading the post instead of virtue signalling to get a few likes from your internet mates, you'll note I've explicity accepted responsibility in the post. I'm just finding it hard to get my head around and decided to ask on what I assumed was the correct forum for some advice.

Anyway, have a good one.

The One Doctor

Being anxious about being a father is excellent. Nobody is the perfect father. I worry over mistakes with my 3 year old daughter. Every day I think I'm not fit to be a father.

But everyone I care about tells me I'm an excellent father - kind, loving, understanding, look after her 14 hours a day without complaint, the rest. That reassures me, but I'm always wondering what I can do better.

OP, remember this - always wonder what you can do better with your child and partner. I've had bad depression over the past 2 years (sorted now) but my fiance and daughter are a blazing light in my life and I will always be grateful for them and will do my best for them.

Big Bag of Chips

Couch Potato82 and lulu1, your posts fall short of "mature, civil advice" that is expected here.

Please both read The Forum Charter before posting again.

Thanks,
BBoC

Pawwed Rig

You say your girlfriend is 34 and always wanted kids. Well 34 is not young for a woman who wants a family. The fact that she was with you would seem to me that she saw you as a prospective father. I presume you had discussed this before?

Anyway I have travelled and worked 2 careers, had numerous relationships etc. All of it pales to nothing since my little boy was born in 2014.

PerryB78

You have been blessed op, it may be hard to see that at the moment but believe me, you have been. I suffer from anxiety too and have a 3 year old girl who helps me forget all about it every minute I'm with her. Your life is not over and your friend seems to be very immature, this could be the best thing to ever happen to you

Couchpotato82

angstydad wrote: »

Nice to see we're still in that mentality in Ireland where people are told to simply shrug off mental illness like it's nothing. Or was this just an excuse to vent your anger at a randomer on the internet?

Because if you bothered your arse reading the post instead of virtue signalling to get a few likes from your internet mates, you'll note I've explicity accepted responsibility in the post. I'm just finding it hard to get my head around and decided to ask on what I assumed was the correct forum for some advice.

Anyway, have a good one.

First of all, who mentioned anything about mental illness? You said in your post you had suffered from anxiety. Does this mean that all posts in response to your original post are to be reflective of this! ie, “please tell me everything will be ok, because I can’t handle harsh truth”

You called your girlfriend, “a girl” suggesting maybe, a one night stand or something very casual. How about treating her with a bit more respect and actually changing the phrasing used?

Second af all, I don’t have “internet friends” as you put it so I’m not looking for validation on line, unlike yourself. If what you’re looking for is sympathy or pity, fair enough. If your real life friends are giving you a hard time, maybe re-evaluate your own situation?

Thirdly, and most importantly, congratulations on your impending fatherhood. I too was in your situation too at a much earlier age and with a much younger partner. It’s how you react now that will define you as a person. You can be a great father without material goods. Don’t be hung up on the money. Support your partner and embrace the changes coming your way. Put your own sensitivities to one side and focus on the baby. Before you know it you’ll have forgotten about your own issues.

Best of luck and enjoy the ride!

Neyite

Even when you plan a kid, that positive pregnancy test sends your head reeling and it's normal to feel you should have been more ready.

We had our child at the height of the recession. My age at the time meant we couldn't hold off until we had a bit more money or our jobs were more secure. We just had to take a leap of faith and hope that it would all turn out ok.

And it did. We had times where we definitely felt squeezed, but we got through it. Our son had everything he needed, even if things were tight. He was loved, warm, safe and fed and that's the essentials.

And the whole "life is over" stuff is crap. I took up a brand new hobby on maternity leave and I spend a lot of time on it. OH has too. We don't go out a huge amount but we didn't before our baby was born either. We could if we wanted though. We've had brilliant holidays the three of us. In fact, you are more inclined to get out and do stuff like woodland walks or day trips when you have a child so we probably do more than we used to as a couple.

Congratulations. I wish her a safe and enjoyable pregnancy.

rob316

Life over?? My life began when my gf now wife got pregnant. We were just 21. She had a host of personal problems including anxiety and the child was the making of her.
Kids are amazing, I don't think you'll be missing anything that doesn't top even 5 mins with your kid.
Your thoughts are only natural, I hope you do whatever is right for you.

rob316

angstydad wrote: »

Thanks so much for your replies so far everyone.

The main sense of an unlived life stems from my social anxiety and lack of self-esteem.

I've not done lots of things normal people without social anxiety do such as joining hobby clubs, trying new things, and generally meeting people. I've not had any female friends for the last 3/4 years and I was a bit of a recluse in college.

Despite my anxiety, I like to travel alone and there are loads of parts of the world I've never got to explore. I've worked from my laptop for the last 3 years due to my anxiety also.

My two friends joking about the situation were ostensibly piss-taking, but I know there was an undercurrent of genuine belief on their behalf that my life is actually over. One of the lads never wants children and he seems weirdly enthused at my situation as if it's the worst thing that could've happened to me; pretty much spent the last few days laughing at my expense as if I've been cursed.

If I hadn't spent half my 20s in a state of social anxiety I might have made more supportive friends. But some of what they say does give me fear that the stuff I missed out on is all an impossibility now that I have a child on the way. I know I should've thought about all this when I was having unprotected sex, but that ship has sailed.

All of these thought streams are hard enough to cope with without even thinking of the child and the fact that I've never even held a child. I've always felt slightly annoyed by other people's children if I'm being totally honest. And again my anxiety creeps into my ability to take care of a kid.

In summary, I'm worried I'll spend the next 18 years failing miserably to be a good parent while simultaneously seeing any semblance of hope for a more socially fulfilled life slip away.

You seem like an intelligent guy and self aware. I think you'll swim just fine been a dad. There's going to be a person who will look to you and depend on you for love and guidance, you really don't have much time to think of yourself as your engrossed in this amazing most natural experience.

Ya know you can travel the world after your kids and I get you that is my big "regret" and my wife shares the same but you might never get another chance to have a child. And the thought of me not having my son but the fact I got to spend a year in Australia or somewhere is awful. It can be the making of you man, you should look at it positively.

JustAThought

You start your relationship with your child by trying to put pressure on your girlfriend to kill it. Jesus wept. No contraception & no f'ing balls. Get yourself to professional help.

riemann

Tell her you'd be happy to have a child in a year or two when you're in a more stable position financially etc yadayadayada

Get rid of it.

Make your own decisions and don't let anyone some random person decide your future.

redfox123

riemann wrote: »

Tell her you'd be happy to have a child in a year or two when you're in a more stable position financially etc yadayadayada

Get rid of it.

Make your own decisions and don't let anyone some random person decide your future.

'Get rid of it'? Wow. The woman wants the kid. Under no circumstance should she be coerced into having an abortion. That is awful advice. If he has no interest in the child then he does not have to have any involvement. But you never ever try to convince a woman to kill her baby.

FurBabyMomma

riemann wrote: »

Tell her you'd be happy to have a child in a year or two when you're in a more stable position financially etc yadayadayada

Get rid of it.

Make your own decisions and don't let anyone some random person decide your future.

1. She's not "some randomer", she's his girlfriend.

2. He decided his own future, perhaps subconsciously, when he decided to have unprotected sex. It's not all on her by a long shot.

3. Lying to a woman in order to coerce her into an abortion is abhorrent.

OP, I understand it's scary. But the fact that you are worried about being a good parent suggests you'll make every effort to ensure you are, and that's the most important thing. Good luck!

Neyite

Mod:


If people can't post civilly and constructively then please don't post at all. Warnings and infractions can result.

sbsquarepants

Give the guy a break, he just got a bit of a shock that's all!

OP - you're 27, you're far from a child! Doesn't mean you don't have a lot of growing up to do - but you can say that at practically every age. I'm 44 now, I see 35 year old me like he was a toddler! There's no reason to think I won't think the same about 50 year old me at some stage.

Having time and money to yourself is nice, travelling is nice, lie-ons are nice, chasing women is nice.....but having kids is amazing. Trust me I have a house full of them! They are destructive, time and money consuming, head wrecking little shíts make no mistake - but they do have a sneaky way of making you not care about those things.

I went home last night and had my dinner interrupted by a nerf gun ambush, then had to abandon the England Tunisia game to take part in an badminton tournament in my back garden - i'll take that over seeing the pyramids or the Eiffel tower every single time!

You'll be grand OP, this is far from a disaster - quite the opposite in fact.

bee06

OP, unless you’re friends actually have children how could they possibly know whether someone’s life is over or not? They sound like crap “friends” to be honest.

It’s totally normal to feel anxious about being a parent. Myself and my husband tried to get pregnant for a year and a half and after that positive pregnancy test I still thought “oh my god, how can I be a mom!” I had those moments throughout my pregnancy and still have them now. There is so much responsibility that sometimes it can be overwhelming when you look at the big picture but then they smile at you, or you make them laugh or they roll over for the first time and all the doubts are forgotten.

uck51js9zml2yt

He asked was his life over....yes it is.
It will never be the same again.

Getting a hug from your child or seeing his first steps ..indeed seeing him being born is the most life changing experience you will experience.

I'm 50. Have 2 kids 7 & 4. I got toast in bed on father's Day!

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But the thing is, with or without this baby there is no guarantee that this wonderful fulfilling life that you think you are missing out on and you think you might actually have some day will happen for you. Your social anxiety and lack of self-esteem is something that unless you deal with it will always be there, and will always be holding you back from the things you feel you are missing out on.

+ 1 OP you've said it yourself you didn't do all these things in your 20s you thought you should have due to your social anxiety not due to be being a parent. Plenty of people have kids much younger then you and do all the things you think you've missed out on. It's you that's stopping you doing those things, not a child. Don't start using the child as an excuse.

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

+ 1 OP you've said it yourself you didn't do all these things in your 20s you thought you should have due to your social anxiety not due to be being a parent. Plenty of people have kids much younger then you and do all the things you think you've missed out on. It's you that's stopping you doing those things, not a child. Don't start using the child as an excuse.

True, however, I did plenty of things that were objectively "fun" during my 20s, just not as much as I thought I should, and the things I actually did were often marred somewhat by my social anxiety and lack of self-worth. I spend a lot of my life comparing myself both with what I see on social media and what I just assume other people are doing, and I feel like I've pissed away my 20s because of it.

I don't plan on using my child as an excuse: it's just I've spent the last three years concerned I won't/didn't get the most from my 20s and now that my friends are telling me my life is over, even though they were apparently joking, I feel I've potentially lost an element of freedom to recover from the things I missed out on (again, my own fault, I know).

I probably need counselling and even meds to sort out my negative thinking patterns and my faulty assumptions that everyone else is having a whale of a time during their 20s while i suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem. But again, that makes me more worried about the child because what kind of life is he going to have if his Da is recovering from anxiety/depression and is on meds barely able to take care of himself.

heretothere

Maybe leave social media behind for a little while. No one put up the bad stuff, well most people don't. Did I put up pictures to the tune of 'Having an amazing time travelling this wonderful Asian country' yes. Did I put up posts that when working a very long hard day on an isolated farm by myself on Easter Sunday I cried, had a long hot shower, drank a beer and watched TV alone for the night. Nope. So no matter how 'FB perfect' someones life looks I can almost guarantee it isn't.

Don't be comparing yourself to the online version you see if even the closest people in your life as it isn't the full truth.

I think the baby could be the making of you, you sound quite sweet. Don't mind your friends that is a cliche thing people say.

ManOfMystery

Your life is not over.

Will your life be different? Of course, assuming you're going to want to have a relationship with your child. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You'll simply be changing one set of memorable, once-in-a-lifetime experiences (potential ones, I might add) for another. I went to see New Zealand when I was younger and have great and fantastic memories of it. But I also have great and fantastic memories of my son being born, his first steps, cuddles with him, and so on. I'd take those over a trip to NZ any day.

Is fatherhood scary and does it make you anxious? Of course. Our son was fully planned and I was still anxious about it. He's almost 5 now and I'm still anxious about it. When he's 18 and heading to the pub I'll still be anxious about it. That's part of being a parent. But the positives FAR outweigh the negatives. 

It all depends on how you approach this mentally and your perception of it. Some people shun parenthood and walk away, others are anxious about it but eventually take to it. And whilst it can be stressful, fearful, frustrating and there are times when you just feel like screaming, many parents - myself included - will tell you it's the best thing that ever happened to us. You have literally created another human, another life, and all the potential holidays and potential experiences you feel you may have missed out on pale into insignificance when compared to the potential in life that little baby will come into. They can do anything, be anyone. I urge anyone to embrace it rather than feel they've missed out. 

On Father's day my 4yr old told me he wanted to put a game on my tablet for me. I paid for the download of course, and he eventually played it most of the time, but knowing why he suggested it - because he knows I like to play games to chill out the odd time - and that even at that young age he was trying to think of something personal that I would like, well that was just a great feeling.

ShaShaBear

angstydad wrote: »

True, however, I did plenty of things that were objectively "fun" during my 20s, just not as much as I thought I should, and the things I actually did were often marred somewhat by my social anxiety and lack of self-worth. I spend a lot of my life comparing myself both with what I see on social media and what I just assume other people are doing, and I feel like I've pissed away my 20s because of it.

I don't plan on using my child as an excuse: it's just I've spent the last three years concerned I won't/didn't get the most from my 20s and now that my friends are telling me my life is over, even though they were apparently joking, I feel I've potentially lost an element of freedom to recover from the things I missed out on (again, my own fault, I know).

I probably need counselling and even meds to sort out my negative thinking patterns and my faulty assumptions that everyone else is having a whale of a time during their 20s while i suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem. But again, that makes me more worried about the child because what kind of life is he going to have if his Da is recovering from anxiety/depression and is on meds barely able to take care of himself.

As a sufferer of social anxiety, I can tell you now that your life is by no means over!
I had my first child, planned, at 26. The amount of new friends I have made thanks to her is astounding. She is an excellent buffer and I feel a million times more confident in social situations when I have my kids with me. People tend to focus on the child and it gives you a chance to have a few deep breaths and ease into the exchange. They're also great for abandoning a social exchange if things get too much for you.
I've not travelled. I've been to Gran Canaria, Amsterdam and Paris. That's it. We're taking our kids away next year for a holiday together and are very excited about it.
I graduated from college but never stepped into a career because of my anxiety. I took on a hobby which has started to form into a small business because of my children and the connections they've netted me!

Having children will change your life but by no means end it. Being a father will be what you make of it, not what it makes of you!

Midnight Sundance

Oh god Op you really are a glass half empty type of person!!
Your girlfriend Ian pregnant, not some random girl. Have you stopped thinking about yourself for a minute to ask how she is actually feeling about falling pregnant to someone who doesn’t seem to be supporting her at one of the most confusing times of her life?!!
I’m currently pregnant, I won’t lie, it was a shock for a split minute when I found out , what made it ok for me was the support I received from my partner straight away telling me it will all be ok and we’ll work through this!!
Your girlfriends life is never going to be the same. She can’t walk away from this baby the way you possibly could. The thought of this alone must be frightening to her!!
So what, your 20s wasn’t what you expected it to be! I’ve big news for you, it never is for most people.
I’m so sorry I am sounding so harsh, but your 27 years old, not 17!!!!
Whether this baby was planned or not, your cards have been dealt and you sometimes just have to play with the cards you have in your hand.
How about you stop looking at this as something that’s holding you back and look at it as a new lease on life. An opportunity to try things you never would have considered!! You already stated that held yourself back in your early 20s,
Grab this opportunity and push yourself forward in a different direction!!
By the way , your friends don’t sound too great either!! I’d be surrounding myself with supportive people and not negative nellies !!
Start supporting your girlfriend at this emotional time, she needs the support right now!!

LegacyUser

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

Oh god Op you really are a glass half empty type of person!!
How about you stop looking at this as something that’s holding you back and look at it as a new lease on life. An opportunity to try things you never would have considered!! You already stated that held yourself back in your early 20s,
Grab this opportunity and push yourself forward in a different direction!!
By the way , your friends don’t sound too great either!! I’d be surrounding myself with supportive people and not negative nellies !!

Yep, I'm a very glass half empty type person, trust me, I know. Unfortunately, it's not exactly straightforward to just shift how I think to suddenly become more positive. We're talking years of probably low-level depression here (dysthymia) influenced by pretty damn limiting social anxiety. I'd love to be more grateful for the things I've done, the places I've got to see, and more excited about the future in front of me, the raising and loving of a child.

However, I think badly about pretty much everything and that is not something I feel I can change. I'm bombarded with an onslaught of horribly negative thoughts every single minute of every day. If I could switch it off I would. I don't exactly enjoy thinking this way.

bee06

J Mysterio wrote: »

I know this is cynical and a little ungenerous/ presumptious, but am also wondering if your girlfriend saw you as a good opportunity to become pregnant.

On the bright side, if it doesnt work out, taking your baby out in the stroller is a total chick magnet and instant icebreaker/ conversation starter.

The OP says in the first post that they didn’t used contraception. He should have been well aware that he was risking a pregnancy.

J Mysterio

Post retracted

mg1982

angstydad wrote: »

Yep, I'm a very glass half empty type person, trust me, I know. Unfortunately, it's not exactly straightforward to just shift how I think to suddenly become more positive. We're talking years of probably low-level depression here (dysthymia) influenced by pretty damn limiting social anxiety. I'd love to be more grateful for the things I've done, the places I've got to see, and more excited about the future in front of me, the raising and loving of a child.

However, I think badly about pretty much everything and that is not something I feel I can change. I'm bombarded with an onslaught of horribly negative thoughts every single minute of every day. If I could switch it off I would. I don't exactly enjoy thinking this way.

The first person you need to look after OP is yourself. Dystimia is no joke as its a depression that can persist for a long time and can really impact you quality of life. Have u been down the counselling route or medications.

LegacyUser

mg1982 wrote: »

The first person you need to look after OP is yourself. Dystimia is no joke as its a depression that can persist for a long time and can really impact you quality of life. Have u been down the counselling route or medications.

Hi,

I was in counselling for 9 sessions earlier this year. It was weird; a lot of my counsellors insights made sense. The problem was that every time I left the room I started to feel worse again and my brain shifted straight back into autopilot negative, pessimistic, I hate myself mode. This continued for 9 weeks and it became too expensive for me at €50 per session.

I tried an SSRI quite a while back but it made me more anxious. I want to try a different medication in that class but the doctor thinks it's not suited to an anxious person. Paradoxically, I'm both lacking in the enthusiasm to talk to people and anxious about doing so at the same time.

Big Bag of Chips

ManOfMystery wrote: »

On Father's day my 4yr old told me he wanted to put a game on my tablet for me. I paid for the download of course, and he eventually played it most of the time, but knowing why he suggested it - because he knows I like to play games to chill out the odd time - and that even at that young age he was trying to think of something personal that I would like, well that was just a great feeling.

This is one of the lovely sides of having children. I'm not a big one for birthday celebrations, Christmas presents, Mothers Day, Fathers Day etc. But since having children these have become the biggest occasions in the house. My birthday is now celebrated with great planning, whispering and excitement every year. Mothers Day/Fathers Day are important days too. Christmas morning opening what Santy has left for me (even though I've wrapped it myself a few hours previously) brings so much excitement. I still am not all that bothered, but children love any excuse for a bit of a party! Presents I get are more for their benefit than mine. Their excitement watching me open a present that they've hand picked for me is priceless. Never anything extravagant, over the years, for various occasions I've gotten a new mug, a gravy boat, pyjamas, bouquets of flowers from Aldi costing €2.99. My birthday cake one year was a candle in a fun size milky way!

But they love showing us how much we mean to them... They also just like any excuse to be allowed a bit of junk food!

Don't get me wrong. It's not all parties and milky ways, and there are days when I dream of living somewhere, alone, doing what I want when I want! There are days I feel like I will end up stringing one of them up, or giving one of them away (I even know which one ).

uck51js9zml2yt

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

This is one of the lovely sides of having children. I'm not a big one for birthday celebrations, Christmas presents, Mothers Day, Fathers Day etc. But since having children these have become the biggest occasions in the house. My birthday is now celebrated with great planning, whispering and excitement every year. Mothers Day/Fathers Day are important days too. Christmas morning opening what Santy has left for me (even though I've wrapped it myself a few hours previously) brings so much excitement. I still am not all that bothered, but children love any excuse for a bit of a party! Presents I get are more for their benefit than mine. Their excitement watching me open a present that they've hand picked for me is priceless. Never anything extravagant, over the years, for various occasions I've gotten a new mug, a gravy boat, pyjamas, bouquets of flowers from Aldi costing €2.99. My birthday cake one year was a candle in a fun size milky way!

But they love showing us how much we mean to them... They also just like any excuse to be allowed a bit of junk food!

Don't get me wrong. It's not all parties and milky ways, and there are days when I dream of living somewhere, alone, doing what I want when I want! There are days I feel like I will end up stringing one of them up, or giving one of them away (I even know which one ).

I thought I was the only one who felt like that

mg1982

angstydad wrote: »

Hi,

I was in counselling for 9 sessions earlier this year. It was weird; a lot of my counsellors insights made sense. The problem was that every time I left the room I started to feel worse again and my brain shifted straight back into autopilot negative, pessimistic, I hate myself mode. This continued for 9 weeks and it became too expensive for me at €50 per session.

I tried an SSRI quite a while back but it made me more anxious. I want to try a different medication in that class but the doctor thinks it's not suited to an anxious person. Paradoxically, I'm both lacking in the enthusiasm to talk to people and anxious about doing so at the same time.

When your in that state of mind its hard to feel any benefit from counselling and it can feel like money down the drain. There are lots of anti depressants you can try and it might be trial and error before you find one that suits. Might be best to have a chat with your doc about it.

ManOfMystery

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

ManOfMystery;107301468

Don't get me wrong. It's not all parties and milky ways, and there are days when I dream of living somewhere, alone, doing what I want when I want! There are days I feel like I will end up stringing one of them up, or giving one of them away (I even know which one ).

Same, there are always the odd days I'm fried from work and would just love to go home, plonk on the sofa with a takeaway and lots of alcohol (I'm not a big drinker most of the time, honest!) bingewatch some mindless TV show. 

But inevitably when I do have a weekend without my son around, like if he goes to his grandparents, I end up missing him a lot.

WIZWEB

OP there are much more affordable sessions of counselling available than what you paid. Few minutes on Google will sort you out.

You get my empathy for your anxiety and depression but not for your other excuses.

I've travelled bits of the world and sometimes alone. Very stressful at times. I'd rather be a parent and hope to be in the next year by fostering. Give Parenting a go. You might even like it a lot and taking the attention away from yourself might even help you in the long run. If it proves too much you can walk away then. Just be honest with the future mammy.

Gorgeousgeorge

Herself had a kid when i was 19. Thought it was the worst thing ever. Was for a while but jaysus they turn into right crack.

Sure ffs you dont have to stay with the mother you can be free and single but also be a good supportive father to the child. Know a few lads that flew the coup when the gf became pregnant and they are all perfect fathers that support emotionally and financially. Up to you how bad ya want it to be

heretothere

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

Herself had a kid when i was 19.

Makes it sound like the immaculate conception

Gorgeousgeorge

heretothere wrote: »

Makes it sound like the immaculate conception

Just as suprised as mary and poor joseph let me tell ya that

power pants

If you don’t want to be a dad, just pay the maintenance each month and leave them to it