When to take baby for first time

VegetaIRL8e

Hi guys.
Regular poster here (going unreg) and just looking for some advice. Mods please feel free to move this if you think it should. I thought it more a parenting question than personal.
Relationship with my partner broke down and after the break up found out we were pregnant.

While we are not together, not living together and at other sides of the country. I'm wondering now that baby is born when would most think its acceptable to take the baby over night or for the day? While i am in no way rushing it and want to make sure baby is safe & comfy i would like to start seeing baby and taking care myself as soon as I could.

Dardania

Guessing you're the father?
Mum's feeding preference will have a bearing here - if breastfeeding either she can "express"breast milk for you, or you can try using formula for when baby's with you (however I believe there can be problems with getting baby to breastfeed later, as formula milk is so much more rich tasting to them)

VegetaIRL8e

Dardania wrote: »

Guessing you're the father?
Mum's feeding preference will have a bearing here - if breastfeeding either she can "express"breast milk for you, or you can try using formula for when baby's with you (however I believe there can be problems with getting baby to breastfeed later, as formula milk is so much more rich tasting to them)

Sorry yes I am the father.
Breastfeeding is not an issue here as baby has been on formula since day 1..thank you for the reply.

iamwhoiam

I think it will depend on how the mum feels about it . She might not be happy being seperated from a newborn for quite some time . Also not easy taking a tiny baby across the country and her not being able to come if she is needed etc
Would it be possible to see the baby while the mum is still within shouting or phone call distance ? Maybe offer to have the baby in her home while she goes out to pamper herself or meet a friend or go shopping ? And do this a few times to gain confidence and to let her have confidence in you .

gavindublin

Hey OP
I was in that situation. Same with formula.
I took my lad on the second weekend, so he was 10 days old.
No issues, and gave me those small bites of time to bond on my own.

Distance wasn't an issue my end, so thread carefully there.
Be civil, but be strong.

Good luck

Staplor

There's very little info in the post. How often do you see the baby? Do you know how to look after a baby? I suppose I'd want to know you were comfortable with minding the child first. Once I knew you were good I wouldn't have an issue with a day out.

Overnight, I really don't know, are you thinking about crossing the country, collecting the baby, crossing back home for a sleep, then crossing the country to bring the baby back to it's home, before you cross the country again? Or are you thinking about a hotel? Staying with friends and family?

beauf

How well do you get on. Could you offer to stay over and give her a break over night or even during the day. Because you have to build a working relationship with the mom too. Helping her out is a good way to do that.

Gatling

I'd be waiting until the baby is settled and in a routine for mum first ,
What's the ex's opinion on over nights ?

I'd be looking for a few hours during a day depending on the situation before looking for over nights

KERSPLAT!

Unfortunately there's no right answer, it will depend on a lot of factors. How baby is settling, how willing mother is to let baby go with you for the day/night, how your relationship ended, etc. While spending time with baby alone should be fine quite early on in my opinion, over nights would be maybe 6/9+ months. Again, it depends on a lot of things, most importantly your baby.

Edit, maybe 6-9 months is a bit long, months maybe...? I'm not sure. As a father I'd want it as soon as possible, the mother would most likely want as long as possible but whatever's best for baby is what needs to be done

2xj3hplqgsbkym

Staplor wrote: »

There's very little info in the post. How often do you see the baby? Do you know how to look after a baby? I suppose I'd want to know you were comfortable with minding the child first. Once I knew you were good I wouldn't have an issue with a day out.

Overnight, I really don't know, are you thinking about crossing the country, collecting the baby, crossing back home for a sleep, then crossing the country to bring the baby back to it's home, before you cross the country again? Or are you thinking about a hotel? Staying with friends and family?

Does any first time parent know exactly what to do and look after a baby? No he will have to learn on the job just like she is .
I think you should try to arrange to have baby as soon as possible , so it becomes the norm.

VegetaIRL8e

Hey all.
Thanks for the replies. I will have family and friends (where I will be) only an hour away from the mother's home So I won't be that far away. I'm currently seeing the baby 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 or 6 hours. Have fed, changed, settled and put baby to bed at night so I am comfortable in myself (as much as you can be as a first time father). I feel I have bonded with the baby and baby giggles and is happy around me. I can see the mother not wanting to be separated at ALL from baby but that would bring this chat more into a personal issue between her and I.

iamwhoiam

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

Hey all.
Thanks for the replies. I will have family and friends only an hour away from the mother's home (where I will be) So I won't be that far away. I'm currently seeing the baby 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 or 6 hours. Have fed, changed, settled and put baby to bed at night so I am comfortable in myself (as much as you can be as a first time father). I feel I have bonded with the baby and baby giggles and is happy around me. I can see the mother not wanting to be separated at ALL from baby but that would bring this chat more into a personal issue between her and I.

Thats good to hear and you seem to have lots of practice ! How about taking the baby to yours for a day first and do that a few times before you ask for an overnight ? Try to understand the mums difficulty letting her baby go for 24 hours and its not an easy thing for a mum . Ease it in and take it easy and not too long the first few times

Gatling

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

Hey all.
Thanks for the replies. I will have family and friends (where I will be) only an hour away from the mother's home So I won't be that far away. I'm currently seeing the baby 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 or 6 hours. Have fed, changed, settled and put baby to bed at night so I am comfortable in myself (as much as you can be as a first time father). I feel I have bonded with the baby and baby giggles and is happy around me. I can see the mother not wanting to be separated at ALL from baby but that would bring this chat more into a personal issue between her and I.

Your on the right track then ,
Your doing everything right so far , keep talking with herself and see how it pans out

beauf

It's going to be delicate balance. Even parents who are together can find it tough. People get exhausted and take it out on each other. Can be hard but to take it personally.

bee06

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

I can see the mother not wanting to be separated at ALL from baby but that would bring this chat more into a personal issue between her and I.

I wouldn’t take it personally that she doesn’t want to be separated from the baby or take it as a judgement of your parenting skills. I have a 5 month old and I wouldn’t want to be away from him overnight even if he was with his dad (my husband who I trust 100% with him).

Crunchymomma

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

Hey all.
Thanks for the replies. I will have family and friends (where I will be) only an hour away from the mother's home So I won't be that far away. I'm currently seeing the baby 2 or 3 times a week for about 5 or 6 hours. Have fed, changed, settled and put baby to bed at night so I am comfortable in myself (as much as you can be as a first time father). I feel I have bonded with the baby and baby giggles and is happy around me. I can see the mother not wanting to be separated at ALL from baby but that would bring this chat more into a personal issue between her and I.

You are on the right track but don't be offended if she is reluctant to let the baby go overnight. I left my youngest overnight at 10" weeks and hated every second of it and didn't leave her again until she was like 10 months old. Even with my other half who I trust explicitdly

catrionanic

Just speaking from personal experience, there’s no way I could have let my baby stay away overnight until he was at least 7 or 8 months (which is when I first did it, and it was tough). It was tough for him too because he wanted and needed his mammy. Newborns and small babies are designed to be with their mothers as often as possible. For now, I think you need to continue to concentrate on doing your job as a dad well (which it sounds like you are doing), and not press the overnight issue. It will happen with time, and when the time is right for baby and for mum. And when that time comes, she will be glad of it!

2xj3hplqgsbkym

catrionanic wrote: »

Just speaking from personal experience, there’s no way I could have let my baby stay away overnight until he was at least 7 or 8 months (which is when I first did it, and it was tough). It was tough for him too because he wanted and needed his mammy. Newborns and small babies are designed to be with their mothers as often as possible. For now, I think you need to continue to concentrate on doing your job as a dad well (which it sounds like you are doing), and not press the overnight issue. It will happen with time, and when the time is right for baby and for mum. And when that time comes, she will be glad of it!

I completely disagree. He is the father, not some teenage babysitter. He has as much right to have the baby as she does. A newborn needs to be fed, changed, sleep, loved, repeat- the father can do that just as well as the mother can .
The longer they leave it , the harder it will be for all involved- only the mother will know the routine, the baby will be used to the mother only and the father will find it much harder .

VegetaIRL8e

Hi all,
I read so many forums and threads and always wonder at times how things turn out for ppl who post. So both in the form of an update and how overly happy I am............
My lil person got to spend their first overnight with me at the weekend. Its been a long time coming and I have had to fight for their right to stay with me since I first opened this thread, a lot of "building up time" and while I feel it could/should have been done sooner, whats done is done. That being said. It went amazingly, I couldn't have wished it to go better, with very little fuss or tears they went down, slept super well and not once was bothered by the fact the other parent wasn't around (this is a credit to both myself and other parent despite the fact they are being unhelpful and difficult).
My advice for any parent in a similar situation is to just keep your cool, take your time and if you do what is reasonable to expected behavior then your time will come.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

Hi all,
I read so many forums and threads and always wonder at times how things turn out for ppl who post. So both in the form of an update and how overly happy I am............
My lil person got to spend their first overnight with me at the weekend. Its been a long time coming and I have had to fight for their right to stay with me since I first opened this thread, a lot of "building up time" and while I feel it could/should have been done sooner, whats done is done. That being said. It went amazingly, I couldn't have wished it to go better, with very little fuss or tears they went down, slept super well and not once was bothered by the fact the other parent wasn't around (this is a credit to both myself and other parent despite the fact they are being unhelpful and difficult).
My advice for any parent in a similar situation is to just keep your cool, take your time and if you do what is reasonable to expected behavior then your time will come.

Sorry you had to wait so long, but glad you are happy and it all went well

fits

Sounds like you are a great Dad. I am only comfortable leaving my twins now they are three and have only been away two nights in total so I can understand why it took so long but it gets much easier from now on when they are more independent.

Anne_cordelia

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

Hi all,
I read so many forums and threads and always wonder at times how things turn out for ppl who post. So both in the form of an update and how overly happy I am............
My lil person got to spend their first overnight with me at the weekend. Its been a long time coming and I have had to fight for their right to stay with me since I first opened this thread, a lot of "building up time" and while I feel it could/should have been done sooner, whats done is done. That being said. It went amazingly, I couldn't have wished it to go better, with very little fuss or tears they went down, slept super well and not once was bothered by the fact the other parent wasn't around (this is a credit to both myself and other parent despite the fact they are being unhelpful and difficult).
My advice for any parent in a similar situation is to just keep your cool, take your time and if you do what is reasonable to expected behavior then your time will come.

Well done for handling it so well. I can completely understand as I wouldn’t have been comfortable with my little person being gone until they were around the 18mth mark.

Dravokivich

VegetaIRL8e wrote: »

"building up time"

It really shouldn't have come to that at all. But best of luck in future!