Am I even gay?

maork1

I'm in my early 20's and only a couple of years ago 'accepted' that I am gay. It's not been an easy thing for me to accept. I've no prejudices whatsoever against gay people but it was still hard to come to terms with when it was about myself and all the changes it would mean to the predetermined image of my future that I had.

I don't think I have fully accepted it yet, one person in my family knows and I haven't been able to meet her in person since she found out due to sheer embarrassment. I know there shouldn't be anything to be embarrassed about but I can't help it.

What I'm confused over is am I even gay if I only get attracted to straight or 'straight-acting' lads? It's like someone can have an amazing body but if their overly feminine I automatically without even trying to, stop being attracted to them. Also to point out, I have no romantic/sexual attraction to girls.

Is this a thing where it is possible to be gay but only be attracted to 'straight-acting' guys?

I haven't intended to offend anybody, I've just told it how it is for me. Any replies are really appreciated

GarIT

maork1 wrote: »

Is this a thing where it is possible to be gay but only be attracted to 'straight-acting' guys?

Everyone has a type, you're normal.

You're attracted to masculinity. Might make it harder to find a partner but you're not unusual.

unfortunately

There may be some initial embarassment and a need to adjust the image of your life that you had planned but it will get better. You will eventually be confident in who you are.

Being attracted to masculine men is common.

Foolishcharlie

I literally made an account just to let you know that you aren't alone. I also questioned it for the exact same reason as you in the past but since then I've actually been attracted to both masculine guys and guys that are a bit more feminine. It really just depends on their personality for me. Hope this made you feel better

Heebie

The road to full acceptance of yourself can be a long one.
It's definitely a lot more complex than saying "I'm gay now"
You've been "training" your whole life to be heterosexual... society has done that to you.
Unlearning everything you've taken on out of the crap society has thrown at you since birth, isn't easy.
I'm 50. I've been out since I was 18. It's only about 5-6 years since I decided that I no longer believed that trans people were mentally ill. (A person is known as a female for a long time suddenly came out as trans, and that made me seriously think about what it might be like to be trans. I felt so foolish!)

When I first came out, I thought I'd always be the "top" because I'm not effeminate... found out I was wrong pretty quickly, thankfully.

But... whom you find attractive is whom you find attractive.
There's no need to define a "type" or overanalyze whether it's "straight acting" guys or big nelly queens that turn you on.
Just enjoy what you enjoy.

as for your plans for your life... if you were planning marriage and kids etc.. the only changes that need be are whom you marry and how you go about having kids. (He won't get you pregnant, nor you him, but the trying will be fun, and there are other ways.)

As for whether or not you're gay... only you can answer that question.
I think one of the best ways to answer that question is "do I really need a label to be myself?"
Because... you don't need to label yourself. Just be you.

AllForIt

maork1 wrote: »

I'm in my early 20's and only a couple of years ago 'accepted' that I am gay. It's not been an easy thing for me to accept. I've no prejudices whatsoever against gay people but it was still hard to come to terms with when it was about myself and all the changes it would mean to the predetermined image of my future that I had.

I don't think I have fully accepted it yet, one person in my family knows and I haven't been able to meet her in person since she found out due to sheer embarrassment. I know there shouldn't be anything to be embarrassed about but I can't help it.

What I'm confused over is am I even gay if I only get attracted to straight or 'straight-acting' lads? It's like someone can have an amazing body but if their overly feminine I automatically without even trying to, stop being attracted to them. Also to point out, I have no romantic/sexual attraction to girls.

Is this a thing where it is possible to be gay but only be attracted to 'straight-acting' guys?

I haven't intended to offend anybody, I've just told it how it is for me. Any replies are really appreciated

No offence at all. I totally understand you.

I was in my early 20's when I first went out on the gay scene in Dublin. 24 actually so almost mid 20's. Had no sexual encounters before that. I lived in rural Ireland so that explains that : )

Let me tell you - the first guy I met when I walked into a gay bar in Dublin became my lover for a couple of years. Let me tell you about him. He was 14 years older then me from Ranelagh. He was as masculine a man I ever met. He was hugely into football. He was fit, ran marathons, did I say he was football mad. He liked his pints, not a total fitness freak, and loved going to straight bars watching the big footie matches of the day and sport in general. I couldn't pinpoint a stereotypical gay thing about him whatsoever other than he was into the lads which is a dead giveaway.

Now this - he wasn't into overtly gay ppl either - I was at the time a green country lad that wore sensible boots, jeans and shirt where when I first went to The George I noticed some of the clientèle sniggering at me because I probably looked like a bit of a bogger. I hated those ppl - fashion queens to the end. I never associate with those sorts of ppl - ever. I can smell them a mile off. This was the early 90's by the way to provide a bit of context where there was no internet and the only way to my mind to meet a guy was to go to a gay bar.

The point is OP, YOU do not need to join that crowd to be who you are. The gay community is easily identified by those sorts but there are just as many who are not so overtly gay and I think even more so. I'm continually amazed by the amount of Bi ppl I have met in recent years when I moved back to rural Ireland online and even in a pub once or twice.

So you just need to get out there, find the type of guy your interested in - they do exist I assure you and stop fretting about ppl thinking that you are something that you are not - yes you are gay but that does not mean you are the type of gay person you have an aversion too. And you'd be really surprised should you get to that place I feel you want to be - that your heterosexual friends couldn't care less either way and would be happy for you to see you being who you are.

cgcsb

I used to be only attracted to what is accepted to be 'manly men' when I was in my early twenties. But in the past few years I find that a slightly camper guy can be very sexy. That's just me though. And yes OP you are even gay. Lay off the porno and try to meet real guys.

igCorcaigh

maork1 wrote: »

Is this a thing where it is possible to be gay but only be attracted to 'straight-acting' guys?

Oh join the club! LOL!

There are plenty non-fem gay guys out there, and I'm not attracted to fem guys, sexually or personally.
And plenty non-scene people too. Can be harder to find, but don't think you have to fit into any mould of what you think as 'gay'.

Gay just means you're attracted to blokes, no matter what type, simple as that.

EdgeCase

You’ll find gay guys and straight guys actually aren’t very different at all, other than their preference for male or female sexual partners. There’s a huge diversity of guys and their personalities, likes, dislikes, attitudes, style and so on.

Also as time goes on, stereotypes on both sides of that divide are melting away and I think that’s a huge part of the rapid dissolution of homophobia and disappearing notions that one behavior is straight and another behavior is gay.

Bear in mind that straight men and women also benefited from gay people pushing back homophobic attitudes and stereotypes as it also means they no longer have to put on a pretense either. Plenty of straight guys actually comfortably meet a lot of traditionally gay stereotypes too - being a bit artsy and into your fashion and having a dislike of football used to result in homophobic attitudes, whether you were gay or not. Nowadays, it increasingly doesn’t. Likewise for women, plenty of straight women are hugely into sport, don’t particularly like fashion, enjoy a round of golf and a pint. Meanwhile, plenty of lesbians I know have Brown Thomas make up and handbag addictions and meet every girlie stereotype imaginable. Most people are some mixture of all of the above.

If you prefer the same gender as sexual partners, you’re gay. If you like both, you’re probably bi. Everything else - style, attitudes, hobbies, interests, political perspective, how you behave etc etc is just your personality.

My view is it is just relax and be yourself. Go out with people you’re attracted to, enjoy life and don’t worry about what other people think.

Life’s too precious to waste time trying to conform to someone else’s idea of what they think you should be. Or even more likely, what you imagine they think you should be. In reality, most people don’t really give a damn in my experience anyway.

maork1

Thanks for all the replies

JupiterKid

EdgeCase wrote: »

You’ll find gay guys and straight guys actually aren’t very different at all, other than their preference for male or female sexual partners. There’s a huge diversity of guys and their personalities, likes, dislikes, attitudes, style and so on.

Also as time goes on, stereotypes on both sides of that divide are melting away and I think that’s a huge part of the rapid dissolution of homophobia and disappearing notions that one behavior is straight and another behavior is gay.

Bear in mind that straight men and women also benefited from gay people pushing back homophobic attitudes and stereotypes as it also means they no longer have to put on a pretense either. Plenty of straight guys actually comfortably meet a lot of traditionally gay stereotypes too - being a bit artsy and into your fashion and having a dislike of football used to result in homophobic attitudes, whether you were gay or not. Nowadays, it increasingly doesn’t. Likewise for women, plenty of straight women are hugely into sport, don’t particularly like fashion, enjoy a round of golf and a pint. Meanwhile, plenty of lesbians I know have Brown Thomas make up and handbag addictions and meet every girlie stereotype imaginable. Most people are some mixture of all of the above.

If you prefer the same gender as sexual partners, you’re gay. If you like both, you’re probably bi. Everything else - style, attitudes, hobbies, interests, political perspective, how you behave etc etc is just your personality.

My view is it is just relax and be yourself. Go out with people you’re attracted to, enjoy life and don’t worry about what other people think.

Life’s too precious to waste time trying to conform to someone else’s idea of what they think you should be. Or even more likely, what you imagine they think you should be. In reality, most people don’t really give a damn in my experience anyway.

Brilliant post. Completely nailed the issue. Surely contender for Post Of The Year on the LGBT forum.

WIZWEB

Tastes change too so don't lock yourself away to one type. I am and used to be attracted to the type you like though. I've personally found the more fem types more attractive the last few years. Generally because I enjoy the fact that many for me seem more comfortable in themselves. Stereotyping a little I know. Also as I accepted my sexuality more I realised half my problem with them was that I was afraid that my association with them would out me by being in their company. Silly and disrespectful in hindsight.