My disinterested wife

MFS2

Hi all

I'm not really sure how to start this and find it hard to express my feelings. I have posted in the past about my relationship which I have stuck with to date.

My wife has no interest in me. At least that;s how I feel. Our circumstances changed a couple of years ago, my wife took a job in Dublin and I am at home with the kids. We have three children. We haven't split or anything, she moved for work purposes.

I am finding the whole thing very demanding. I work full time and when my wife is away, I care for the kids, lunches, breakfasts, dinners, school runs etc. I also have to make sure the house is as clean as I can make it for when she comes back.

When she does come home, she is busy with the house and kids but I don't get a break at all.

We had a row a couple of months ago and all this came out. She booked a weekend away in Spain for the two of us. She organised babysitters for the kids.

I thought that this was a good sign and that we would get to rekindle our relationship over the weekend.

I was wrong.

I mean she did try. The trouble is, she has no interest in me and sees me as an employee / secretary.

Sex has become routine and meaningless. She does not desire me nor does she desire having sex with me. she makes absolutely no effort and rarely if ever actually touches me. We are both in our early 40's so this shouldn't be a problem.

I am so fed up.

What do I do? I tried to explain this to her one night. The following day it was like the conversation never took place.

I'm trapped.

Adamocovic

What do I do?

What? I think the whole post answers itself. Not one redeeming or happy comment about the whole thing.

Lives too short to be stuck in a loveless marriage.

smileyj1987

Honestly seems like this is going to end up in divorce !! Really cant see any other way or a trial seperation could also be done to see what happens ?

Mr. CooL ICE

Mod: Hi OP. I've moved your thread to a better suited forum

dudara

Please note that the Relationship Issues charter now applies.

dudara

Mongfinder General

I’d be careful here. If you go down the divorce route you could end up being stuck with the kids in the house while she fcuks off doing her own thing. She must be one of the few women who has actually copped what men have been up to for decades. That is, go through a separation, hand the wife the keys to the house and 3 or 400 quid a month and then feck off living your life the way you want to. Maybe see the kids once a week. The wife is usually left with all the responsibility. In this case, it looks like you could end up being the anchor in the home, the responsible parent.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Mongfinder General wrote: »

I’d be careful here. If you go down the divorce route you could end up being stuck with the kids in the house while she fcuks off doing her own thing. She must be one of the few women who has actually copped what men have been up to for decades. That is, go through a separation, hand the wife the keys to the house and 3 or 400 quid a month and then feck off living your life the way you want to. Maybe see the kids once a week. The wife is usually left with all the responsibility. In this case, it looks like you could end up being the anchor in the home, the responsible parent.

This is a joke, as if the men are planning/want to move away from the children and pay all their spare cash back into the home to be left near homeless,familyless and broke. That is forced upon them by the court system. He could be one of the lucky ones and get everything though, so at least divorce is a great option for him unlike 95% of men

Fr_Dougal

Can you move to Dublin to join her? You need to bring this to a head, either way.

Rekop dog

Seen plenty of these types of threads before and there seems to be an common theme of loss of respect from the high flying female in the relationship for dad's who take primary care role of kids. There's probably some deep lying psychology behind it.

But anyway your gut rarely steers you wrong in these situations and it's sounds like it's telling you she's checked out. Wouldn't be surprised if she had something on the go up in Dublin tbh. You can either accept this loveless marriage for the rest of your life and come on here and moan about it every so often or actually really do something about it for the good of your own mental health.

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MFS2

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She wanted to move as she felt her career / job wasn't giving her satisfaction where she was. Just to be clear, she loves the kids. Two of the boys changed schools and moved to Dublin but it did not work out for them so they are back home. She owns an apartment in Dublin, partly financed by me, so rent is not an issue.

No I don't think it is temporary. She loves Dublin and the job.

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SusanC10

OP - when your Wife decided to move to Dublin what was your family plan ?

My Husband commutes to Dublin for work. He is gone at 6.45am every morning and back home approx 8pm/8.30pm every night. I am a SAHM so do all of the things with the house and kids etc If he decided to move to Dublin alone I would assume that he was ending the Relationship.

I couldn't live like you describe.

Have you asked her is there someone else?

December2012

The two of you should consider going to relationship counselling. You are probably stuck in very bad habits and a rut. If the love is still there, and if you are both willing to do the examination and the work, you may be able to rekindle it.

lulu1

MFS2 wrote: »

Hi all

I'm not really sure how to start this and find it hard to express my feelings. I have posted in the past about my relationship which I have stuck with to date.

My wife has no interest in me. At least that;s how I feel. Our circumstances changed a couple of years ago, my wife took a job in Dublin and I am at home with the kids. We have three children. We haven't split or anything, she moved for work purposes.

I am finding the whole thing very demanding. I work full time and when my wife is away, I care for the kids, lunches, breakfasts, dinners, school runs etc. I also have to make sure the house is as clean as I can make it for when she comes back.

When she does come home, she is busy with the house and kids but I don't get a break at all.

We had a row a couple of months ago and all this came out. She booked a weekend away in Spain for the two of us. She organised babysitters for the kids.

I thought that this was a good sign and that we would get to rekindle our relationship over the weekend.

I was wrong.

I mean she did try. The trouble is, she has no interest in me and sees me as an employee / secretary.

Sex has become routine and meaningless. She does not desire me nor does she desire having sex with me. she makes absolutely no effort and rarely if ever actually touches me. We are both in our early 40's so this shouldn't be a problem.

I am so fed up.

What do I do? I tried to explain this to her one night. The following day it was like the conversation never took place.

I'm trapped.

Op much as I dont like to say it but as regards caring for the kids/ lunches/dinners you are only doing what any woman with a full time job is doing every day of the week. They do their job 9-5 and come come to do another job ie caring for their kids. you say when your wife comes home she is busy with the house and the kids and you dont get a break atal. Op at least when she comes home she is not sitting doing nothing. As for the sex problem you are both going to have to talk about that and decide if you want to save your marrige

MFS2

....... wrote: »

So she left her family for job satisfaction?

What was the long term plan in terms of splitting the family up like that?

I'm not entirely sure

SusanC10

MFS2 wrote: »

I'm not entirely sure

Did the two of you have a discussion when she accepted the Job in Dublin? Or did she just do it without consultation?

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LegacyUser

I wouldn't be talking about divorce at all! Sounds like ye are just very busy. Children are a full time job, and often other parts of your married life are put on the back burner while the important job of rearing is done.

It is strange that she has moved to Dublin for her job. But it's obviously something you both discussed and accepted? I know I or my husband would not do something like that unless we had discussed and agreed on it! Are you subconsciously worrying she's playing away? Rot starts to set in if you have an underlying feeling of unease and you don't talk about it. Something that has no basis in reality whatsoever might become a part of your core belief system without you even realising it!

I'd be wary of playing the poor me fiddle with regards to feeding and looking after the children. Again, this has to have been discussed and ye both agreed that you would work at home while your wife works away. If this wasn't already discussed and agreed upon, well that would be a huge underlying problem. Both you and your wife have your work related stresses, both equally as important. The both of you might unintentionally think the other has it easy.

If it troubles you that your wife lives away from home, you will need to have a very serious conversation about it. Maybe a compromise can be reached.
You both need to respect each other with regard to the jobs ye are doing.

Best of luck.

heretothere

I worked with people during the recession that were forced into positions like that. But I honestly think it's quite selfish of her to go for job satisfaction. As others have said woman across the country work full time and do all the house work etc but if you have a partner ye are meant to both pull your weight!

You have yet to answer, would it be possible for you to move to Dublin? That would likely be very hard with kids settled into school. Especially if you live very far away from Dublin, it would be a huge adjustment. I think she needs to get a job closer to home and realise she needs to be there for her family it's not just a weekend arrangement. Fair enough when it is necessary but in this case it doesn't sound like it is.

vetinari

lulu1 wrote: »

Op much as I dont like to say it but as regards caring for the kids/ lunches/dinners you are only doing what any woman with a full time job is doing every day of the week. They do their job 9-5 and come come to do another job ie caring for their kids. you say when your wife comes home she is busy with the house and the kids and you dont get a break atal. Op at least when she comes home she is not sitting doing nothing. As for the sex problem you are both going to have to talk about that and decide if you want to save your marrige

Sorry but this is pretty sexist. There's plenty of guys out there these days who are heavily involved in the day to day family chores. You're implying that the average mother gets the same level of support from the father as someone who doesn't even live in the house during the week.


How far from Dublin do you live OP? This situation does sound untenable.
Barring financial necessity, you can't really just up and leave to somewhere else for your job when you're married and have kids. Is this supposed to go on for years?

professore

lulu1 wrote: »

Op much as I dont like to say it but as regards caring for the kids/ lunches/dinners you are only doing what any woman with a full time job is doing every day of the week. They do their job 9-5 and come come to do another job ie caring for their kids. you say when your wife comes home she is busy with the house and the kids and you dont get a break atal. Op at least when she comes home she is not sitting doing nothing. As for the sex problem you are both going to have to talk about that and decide if you want to save your marrige

Generally their husbands are not living the single life in their bachelor pad in the city during the week though!

I strongly suspect cheating is the real problem here. What sort of marriage do you have that you live apart during the week for purely selfish career reasons? Living apart should be an absolute last resort for a married couple especially with children. The fact that she's fine with it says it all really.

Shared custody would be a far better solution for you.

JustAThought

So its the story of discontent that thousands if housewives have struggled with for years - not appreciated, treated like a servant/housewife, no fulfillment and no sparkle in the mariage.

I wouldnt say there is infidelity at all - just the routine slump in interest following the routine of children and the drugery of a boring of life .

OP you said you were funding her appartment? Surely renting the house and aplartment out and living together as a family would make more sense? If the school in Dublin 'didnt work' -there are other schools in the capital.

How far away from Dublin do you live -Kerry/Sligo/ or more like Westmeath?

If you are so unhappy can you not get an aupair in to manage the dreary housework and school runs and get a job yourself? Sounds like you are totally unfilfilled and miserable.

WIZWEB

You're not trapped. You have various choices just as she does. You're only a 'secretary' if you choose to be one. You're only in a loveless marriage if that's a choice you decide to continue. Yes there are consequences of separation/divorce. Ask yourself is this what you want in five years time, fifteen or as lifetime to look back upon.

She's choosing to mentally disengage but not physically for her own reasons. Have a serious conversation. Offer compromise but also fair requirements. A counsellor can help. If she refuses to engage then that's a message she's happy with the status quo. If you can't both agree to resolve things then seriously consider calling it a day for your own mental health.

pwurple

What happened on the weekend away?

I mean, it sounds like she is making efforts here, you expressed that you were upset, she arranged a weekend away. What went wrong?

Is this literally not enough sex?

What age are the children? Sounds like they must be small enough if you are still doing lunches etc.

How many nights a month is she away? Are you in contact, like phone calls, when she is away?

I know it can very very hard to keep a marriage going when one person is away. I know families when they travel abroad 8 or 9 months of the year. Think about soldiers for example. Are you aiming to save for some target? What is the long term plan?