Post Natal Depression - change in beheaviour

Rebel1977

Not sure if this is the right forum or not.

We recently had our second child it was a tough pregnancy and birth but we got through it. In the last few weeks my wife was diagnosed with post natal depression - and I had a feeling there was something up as the last few weeks we have argued every second day over trivial things we used rarely argue before until now.

Tonight was the worst I was told she feels she is on her own that she is doing all the work when we share the feeds I do my fair share I work full time and this week I got an average of 3-4 hours sleep a night.

Is what i have outlined normal in post natal depression I feel like at times I am walking on egg shells for fear of another argument.

Is there anything else I could do to alleviate the situation I am very worried things will get worse and i don’t know how I can cope with the arguements.

pwurple

This is like nails on chalkboard to me...

I do my fair share I work full time and this week I got an average of 3-4 hours sleep a night

How much sleep did she get? 
I work full time and my husband is at home with the kids. We did the opposite at the start. Be under no illusion, I have a highly stressful job, and it is a break compared to looking after babies and small children. Don't kid yourself there at all. 
Step one, drop the pretense that going to work is actually "work"anymore. It's not. It's a holiday.
Step two. Get help. Does your health insurance cover Home help or anything like that? Can someone come babysit to let your wife have a break? It takes months to physically recover from a pregnancy. Do you have friends / family nearby who can assist? Someone to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, shop, watch the children while your wife has a shower or has some sleep.
Your wife is also working full time, double shifts, and beyond by the way, while trying to recover from a major physical trauma. Exhaustion adds considerably to PND.

shesty

What is the age gap of your kids?For what it's worth I found going from 1 to 2 kids to be extremely tough.You just never get a chance to have a minute of head space.Ever.It's a big adjustment.I'd echo what the last poster says.

CheerLouth

Rebel1977 wrote: »

We recently had our second child it was a tough pregnancy and birth but we got through it.

Has your wife spoken to anyone about the tough pregnancy and birth? As a society, we have a tendency to say "sure the baby is grand, that's all that matters". In reality, a lot of women will think over a birth for a long time afterwards & find it really difficult to process what happened, especially if the birth was the complete opposite of what she had planned during the pregnancy. It's important that your wife and you are aware of this & that she knows that it is totally normal to grieve for the birth that she wanted and didn't have. It may also help her to get a copy of her birth notes and review what happened.

If possible, it might be worth while to consider a Post-Partum Doula. They are trained to help families after a birth & can help with breastfeeding, general tasks around the house & can watch baby while mam gets some sleep.

shesty

Also agree with this.Had my third recently and I have to say, the birth was fine but I spent a good week or so afterwards processing it.Just trying to figure out what happened, when it happened and what could have happened, as it was a bit different to my previous two.I am still debating contacting the hospital -i just want to chat through it with someone, I have no complaints or anything but my brain is just trying to process it.To the outside looking in (my husband etc) it went very well, and I did a great job.To me-what I was feeling-I felt I didn't cope so well towards the end and the sequence of a couple of things I'd like to know.Again nobody did anything wrong and the outcome was fine, but this is something that happened to and in my body while I wasn't 100% aware of it going on and it takes time to process it.So don't underestimate the impact of a difficult birth, because as a woman, it does occupy your mind and you do spend time trying to figure it out and figure out could you have done anything differently.

Neyite

You probably do the feeds and your fair share of household stuff but one thing I found the hardest was being by default the person with ALL of the emotional load.
Do you do housework /baby stuff when she prompts you or do you do it off your own bat?

My partner was honestly terrific, very hands on but everything was decided by me. I was the one tracking growth spurts, weight gain, feeds, sleep times and googling to make sure that all of those things were in range. I was the one expected to know how much clothes to put on the baby, or how many blankets or what temperature in an infant was normal. (I could go on indefinitely here!)

But here's the thing. I was just as clueless as him. Us women don't get any secret training in the emotional load. So why should it fall to me to know when vaccinations were due and when to move to solids/ toilet train, you know?

The mental load/ emotional load can be particularly difficult when you are struggling with PND, and just trying to think of stuff you need to do and are solely responsible for can be exhausting. so look into ways you can be proactive in that area it might help.

Right now you've a wife who is ill, a newborn and a toddler. You'll have nights where you are on 4 hrs sleep. But unless you look at getting your wife additional help from family members, 4 hrs in those circumstances is pretty decent.

s7ryf3925pivug

PND is common and serious.

Sleep is important and important for mental health and recovery. You both need more sleep. Get to bed very early. Take turns sleeping in a different, quiet, room.

Facilitate her getting out of the house as much as possible, meet friends or do a class. Might be hard with PND but might help a lot.

Sometimes employers can be accommodating with working from home partially or wholly in situations like this. Ask her first and don’t discuss any detail she isn’t happy with you mentioning. I wouldn’t mention PND for example.

Be very proactive in taking the baby, not just for feeds etc.

shesty

Sam Quentin wrote: »

Typical feminist mindset/question..
He gets 3-4hrs sleep and you basically say... "god love you, and how much sleep did she get"..
ffs.

Did you read the rest of that post?
And I wouldn't see it as feminism.More like biology.Yes he's sleep deprived but the onslaught of everything that hits a woman after birth....I'm sorry, but sleep deprivation is only a part of it for her.

Neyite

Mod:


I've deleted the off topic posts. Stop dragging feminism into it.

seamus

Emberly Plump Vessel wrote: »

Be very proactive in taking the baby, not just for feeds etc.

This.
Whatever about getting someone in to do washing, cooking, etc., by far the most valuable thing you can do is take the "baby burden" away.

Just like going to work becomes a holiday, giving your wife an hour where she doesn't have to think about what the kids are doing or deal with constant calls for attention can make all the difference.

Pop the baby in the pram, stick the toddler on their scooter or whatever, and get out to the park. Leave the house and leave her on her own.

Or the opposite, encourage her to go off on her own and leave you in the house with the kids. Even if she's just going doing some shopping or whatever, again it's that headspace without the constant needs of the child/ren that's the most valuable.

The complete unawareness of some men on this is amazing though. Husband of a friend moved into the spare room, using his Fitbit as justification because it proved he was "only" getting 4-5 hours sleep every night because the baby kept waking for feeds. How she didn't kill him by shoving the fitbit down his throat, I don't know.