14 yr old girl - what to do

clint_silver

14 yr old girl, very sporty, determined.

All the girls like her on her team but she wont go to social nights.

Very few friends, wont go to discos, wont speak up in class, shakes in fear at speaking in front of them when has assignment. Was always quiet but its getting worse if thats the way of describing it. I see clusters of girls on her team pal together but she excludes herself.

Is this anxiousness? Anxiety? Sat down and chatted with her to see what she sees as problem but get the stock answer "I just dont want to" reply when theres something coming up she might want to go to.

how to address?

shesty

I was that girl.
So with that in mind, I'd say leave her alone.
She's 14.Why on earth are you pressurising her to go to discos etc??It's tough being 14, just kind of emerging into "growing up"....and by that I mean, the makeup, the clothes, the peer pressure, finding your feet with boys, maybe trying to be like everyone else while feeling just.... not like everyone else - and without feeling you are somehow not what your parents want you to be.She may just be a quiet person, and she will get there in her own time, believe me.
As for the speaking up in class, I was also that girl.I used to go in in terror at group assignments, presentations, reading aloud etc.As I went up through school, particularly in senior cycle, I got a bit better, or at least came to the realisation that it only lasted for a few mins and that was it, and I could cope.I also got to a point where although teachers always said I was quiet, it wasn't from fear....it was often more from not really having any questions, or need to speak up constantly.But it came with age.
I know you probably just want her to fit in.and have fun, but maybe ease up.My parents never really pushed me on this stuff, but I used to feel desperately sorry for friends or peers whose parents were constantly at them asking would they not go to this disco, did they like that boy, did they have a boyfriend etc.....always in a crowded room or gathering, creating an unbelievably embarassing situation for the teenager in an effort to.....well, I don't know why they ever did it.Just ease off her, 'I just don't want to' stands for a myriad of reasons that she probably can't articulate or is too embarassed to say to you, she has years ahead of her for this stuff.

clint_silver

shesty wrote: »

I was that girl.
So with that in mind, I'd say leave her alone.
She's 14.Why on earth are you pressurising her to go to discos etc??It's tough being 14, just kind of emerging into "growing up"....and by that I mean, the makeup, the clothes, the peer pressure, finding your feet with boys, maybe trying to be like everyone else while feeling just.... not like everyone else - and without feeling you are somehow not what your parents want you to be.She may just be a quiet person, and she will get there in her own time, believe me.
As for the speaking up in class, I was also that girl.I used to go in in terror at group assignments, presentations, reading aloud etc.As I went up through school, particularly in senior cycle, I got a bit better, or at least came to the realisation that it only lasted for a few mins and that was it, and I could cope.I also got to a point where although teachers always said I was quiet, it wasn't from fear....it was often more from not really having any questions, or need to speak up constantly.But it came with age.
I know you probably just want her to fit in.and have fun, but maybe ease up.My parents never really pushed me on this stuff, but I used to feel desperately sorry for friends or peers whose parents were constantly at them asking would they not go to this disco, did they like that boy, did they have a boyfriend etc.....always in a crowded room or gathering, creating an unbelievably embarassing situation for the teenager in an effort to.....well, I don't know why they ever did it.Just ease off her, 'I just don't want to' stands for a myriad of reasons that she probably can't articulate or is too embarassed to say to you, she has years ahead of her for this stuff.

Theres no pressure,
"do you want to go, all the others are going"
"no"
"ok, any reason why".
"no"
"ok"


Seeing her being anxious at home when she knows she has a school assignment that involves talking to class is something I want to reduce, not so much that I need to see her going to discos. There's no pressure from parents there, maybe we're just noticing it as part of an overall anxiety in her.


Is schools getting them to do that normal? Do they care if child is anxious and doesnt want to do it as opposed to a work ethic (which is a different thing)? Should we be letting them know?

Subtle

Will probably get shot for suggesting this, but is it possible that her anxieties stem from her parenting and perhaps her parents expectations?

Just throwing it in there because I've come across very shy or anxious kids in the past and it's clear when you meet the parents why they are that way. I don't mean bad parenting here but just well-intentioned, albeit misguided stuff.

shesty

clint_silver wrote: »

Theres no pressure,
"do you want to go, all the others are going"
"no"
"ok, any reason why".
"no"
"ok"


Seeing her being anxious at home when she knows she has a school assignment that involves talking to class is something I want to reduce, not so much that I need to see her going to discos. There's no pressure from parents there, maybe we're just noticing it as part of an overall anxiety in her.


Is schools getting them to do that normal? Do they care if child is anxious and doesnt want to do it as opposed to a work ethic (which is a different thing)? Should we be letting them know?

I would imagine the school's response would be that it's part of their education. My work ethic wasn't an issue, but there is nobody out there that doesn't get anxious about speaking out or whatever. You would probably be better to teach her coping skills rather than trying to shield her from things - this is a life skill, no matter what.She probably is already doing this, but teach her ways to manage the nerves....be well prepared, have easy referenced notes or slides, let her practice with you, and know that it's ok not to have all the answers on the spot, but to say "I can check that and let you know".She is still young though - age helps. At some point you have to stand back and let her learn to cope, with your help, rather than trying to make it all go away.

Yourmama

clint_silver wrote:

how to address?

Don't. I was like this and I can see my daughter, now 5, will be the same. 30% of population is considered to be introvert and that's natural.

clint_silver

Subtle wrote: »

Will probably get shot for suggesting this, but is it possible that her anxieties stem from her parenting and perhaps her parents expectations?

Just throwing it in there because I've come across very shy or anxious kids in the past and it's clear when you meet the parents why they are that way. I don't mean bad parenting here but just well-intentioned, albeit misguided stuff.

couldnt be us, we're perfect parents :D

nah, you can say whatever you want, I mean it could be us, who knows?

How do you identify root cause though? Do you leave her alone and hope she comes through the anxiety? Will the anxiety get worse, would it help if she spoke to someone else, would I be being pushy if I insisted she did if she didnt want to (probably)? Im sure its no fun for her to be shaking with fear the days and nights before speaking to a class.

Im kind of asking "is that ok to be like that or is there any simple tricks to get her over that"

just had a read of
https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/

All posts are welcome, dont be afraid to say anything, I wont shoot anyone down.

clint_silver

Yourmama wrote: »

Don't. I was like this and I can see my daughter, now 5, will be the same. 30% of population is considered to be introvert and that's natural.

but if 30% are introvert, I wouldnt disagree with that, I was myself, and theyre at home shaking with fear about speaking in class, is giving them an assignment to speak in class really the way to get them over it? (maybe it is, I dunno)

shesty

But see the aim isn't really to get them over the anxiety, it's more to give them the experience to learn how to cope.
In all honesty, I was the same, as were all members of my family.But my parents helped us by trying to give us ways to cope, and trying to give us the confidence to know we could get through it, no matter how nervous we were.Seriously, that will stand to her far more than going in and asking the teacher to stop giving the assignments because they are scaring her.I am sure most other kids in the class are in the same state,but all deal with it differently.
Talk to the teacher maybe, and ask them is there anything you can do to help her out, but don't take the approach of trying to shield her from it.And honestly, age helps!

K_P

I was definitely the same at that age. Public speaking and presenting an assignment in class was definitely not a thing in my school. I went to college along with every other school leaver sitting mute in classes, terrified to ask a question, give an opinion, petrified I would be noticed. It took me a long time to get over that fear, well into my career and I wish now that I had just gotten over my own insecurities earlier.

Public speaking is a part of life for many people and if schools are instilling this into people and getting them used to it, that can only be a good thing. I totally understand that you hate seeing your daughter afraid of something. But it's not something that's going to harm her and running away from it isn't going to help her in any way. I would see that as part of her education, giving her life skills beyond regurgitating French verbs or an Irish essay learned off by heart on "na drugai"

sbsquarepants

Does she seem bothered by it or are you bothered on her behalf?

Personally speaking, I'm not anxious in any way, I have no trouble talking to people or being sociable - but I very much dislike large groups, always have,
I'd be far happier either on my own or in the company of 1 or 2 others than be one of 20. I'm often asked to go off to see matches or the likes - "will be deadly craic there's 35 of us going" I just make my excuses and politely decline - truth is I can't think of anything I'd less rather do with my weekend or my hard earned cash.

It's quite possible your daughter isn't doing these things because she just genuinely doesn't want to, rather than she'd love to but somehow can't. People are different and she's only just discovering who she is. I'd leave her be - make sure she knows she can come to you if she has a problem and then just give her the space to become who she should become.

Teyla Emmagan

I wouldn't worry. Not yet anyway. She sounds fine. Everyone (virtually) is afraid of standing up in front of a group at that age. She will start going out when she wants to, or she won't, which is also fine. As long as she seems happy I wouldn't be concerned. We are not all sociable.

What sport is she involved in? Is there a summer course or something in it you could send her on to encourage her? Good for the self esteem. Great that she is involved in and happy to participate in something anyway, that's half the battle.

clint_silver

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Does she seem bothered by it or are you bothered on her behalf?

Good question. Shes always been like this, a nail biter, other symptoms that would indicate anxiety but we leave her alone to develop. She'll find her own way kind of thing as suggested here.

The school assignment thing has probably pushed me over the edge of thinking "should I be doing something here".

Im no expert but it would seem to be that we should have gotten past the "oh just do it and youll be fine" way of teaching. Shes had a couple of these before and its been the same but this one is now worse so now not only is the anxiety not getting better but now its making her way more unhappy than usual.

As an aside, why does the teacher get to say "youre DOING the assignment" and is a good teacher but if I said "youre GOING to the disco" Id be a bad parent, and I would be too. Id be of opinion its not good. There must be a better way.

sbsquarepants

It's a god awful age 14. I'd imagine probably even harder these days than in my time. Does she seem happy in general?

I thinks that's kind of the red light, you need to be watching for.

Someone liking being on their own, or being introverted is not necessarily a problem provided it isn't causing them one. I'm sure we've all heard far too many times about someone being depressed or even committing suicide and thinking "they always seemed so outgoing" as if extroverted automatically means happy, and by that logic introverted must mean unhappy.

Fear of public speaking is fairly common and there are proven methods for overcoming it if it gets to be a problem - but for now I'd be inclined to just let it play out, she may grow out of it, she's still a child really.

I know this much - she's going to develop her own way regardless at the end of anything you do, and one thing that's practically guaranteed to cause anxiety is pressure (however gentle and obviously well intentioned) from yourselves on her to be something she is not.

We have a very similar issue with a much younger girl and it has my missus quite worried (she's a lot more outgoing than me, but a worrier by nature) I'm inclined to just sit back and see does she grow out of it, and if she does she does and if she doesn't she doesn't (I'm reasonably introverted, but worry is an alien concept to me) What I'm trying to get at is we just are the way we are - the issue (with our own kid) is the same for both of us, but how we perceive it is chalk and cheese.

You could be looking at her life and thinking "if that was me I'd......" and that is completely irrelevant to how she sees it herself.

wildwillow

Speaking and making presentations in class is now a part of Junior cert English and some other subjects, so she will have to get used to it. Tell her to be well prepared and have good notes if they are allowed. Also tell her that most of the class suffers from the same anxiety and are too bothered with their own fears to be interested in hers.
I too was that person and grew out of it. I teach now and public speaking is not a problem. Practice is the only route to get used to it. But I am still anxious at social occasions and will shy away from some functions where I feel uncomfortable.
Maybe get her to rehearse with you or even encourage her to give the presentation to the dog or cat......anything to get used to the sound of her own voice and be comfortable with it.
She will gain self confidence from her sporting activity and will go to discos when she is ready.

shesty

It doesn't mean she's a good teacher, it just means it's part of the course.
I guess what I am thinking of are stories (and there are many in recent years) I have heard of college students whose parents are in interceding on their behalf because they failed an exam or were late with an assignment, or didn't like the subject or something, and the parent comes in to see can the college do something like pass them or move them or make allowances for them. I remember myself at that age, and as a fairly introverted person myself, I hated it.But....it was just life, like so many things are.And I remember at least one family member who used to be worse than me.I do understand what you are saying about the anxiety but teaching coping skills is better than taking away the problem.I mean, if she was 24 or something saying this, people wold be advising her to try to toastmasters or soemthing to practice it.She is still young but at some point she does have to face things that she doesn't enjoy.That's the point of any education, to stretch you so you learn.She will have to do orals etc for Leaving I presume, so it's coming her way no matter what, and you can't make them go away.

I really don't mean to be rude,and I'm not saying just ignore it -not by any means.I'd actually suggest you would be better to see if you can find a way to teach her a few skills to cope with the anxiety, because they are skills she will need for life.

Subtle

Catching up here a bit... There's been a lot of talk about anxiety. I would have expected the teacher of the class that she must make a presentation in to have addressed the topic of associated anxiety/fear etc. Surely that should be the real point of the exercise?

Anyway, if I were in the OPs situation, I'd rightfully or wrongfully be trying subtly to suss what's behind the anxiety and easing those fears / boosting their confidence like you would if dealing with an adult in the same situation.

RacoonQueen

Yourmama wrote: »

Don't. I was like this and I can see my daughter, now 5, will be the same. 30% of population is considered to be introvert and that's natural.

Was just going to say she sounds introverted. I was friendly with everyone when I was that age but had no real 'friends' I'd be meeting up with outside school etc..
Honestly wouldn't worry about her once she is interacting normally with them in school/activity situations - I never wanted to be out and about either. She's getting plenty of social output if doing sports etc

The anxiousness over presenting in class also sounds like a very introverted behaviour. I work in tech and a lot of us would be introverted and even in our 30s/40s we still wouldn't be into doing any of that. Wouldn't be anxious so much for a topic I was confident on I just don't have what I call the 'bullsh*tting gene' which extroverted people have which is vital for giving presentations

RacoonQueen

clint_silver wrote: »

but if 30% are introvert, I wouldnt disagree with that, I was myself, and theyre at home shaking with fear about speaking in class, is giving them an assignment to speak in class really the way to get them over it? (maybe it is, I dunno)

You were introverted? My mum still tells me stuff like this. Either you are or you aren't I don't think you can 'get rid' of it.

For what it is worth, I don't think making a kid who is introverted give a presentation in class is worthwhile. I have had to explain this to my manager in work, on more than on occasion. That my unwillingness to 'present' at company presentations is not something that will go away with 'practice' as he suggests. It is very much also a female trait from those I've talked to in work. We do presentations every week in work, with a different department doing it each week on the work they are doing. I think women have done this presentations 3 times in about 3 years of doing this. All have similar feelings towards it as I.
I would get anxious if my manager tried to force me to do it.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

clint_silver wrote: »

Good question. Shes always been like this, a nail biter, other symptoms that would indicate anxiety but we leave her alone to develop. She'll find her own way kind of thing as suggested here.

The school assignment thing has probably pushed me over the edge of thinking "should I be doing something here".

Im no expert but it would seem to be that we should have gotten past the "oh just do it and youll be fine" way of teaching. Shes had a couple of these before and its been the same but this one is now worse so now not only is the anxiety not getting better but now its making her way more unhappy than usual.

As an aside, why does the teacher get to say "youre DOING the assignment" and is a good teacher but if I said "youre GOING to the disco" Id be a bad parent, and I would be too. Id be of opinion its not good. There must be a better way.

Unfortunately this is the new junior cycle. Every subject will have CBAs , next year in 3rd year she will have even more. Second year ones don't really count, 3rd year ones do, so anxiety may increase.

Being introverted I wouldn't worry about. Being overly anxious or not able to manage stress , I would.

In SPHE they should learn about managing stress/ anxiety , however in my opinion it is something they need to learn at home.

Are you in dublin?
I saw a parenting talk advertised that deals with raising children who are very anxious.

GreeBo

I'm in my 40's and still crap myself when public speaking, my wife is the same age and does it all day everyday to anyone from Ministers to highflying CEOs without batting an eyelid.

The more she does it the easier it will be, but if she doesnt like it thats ok too.

You dont want to be forcing her to go out of her way to do things she doesnt want or have to do., but dont let her away with not doing school assignments that involve these things either!

The fact that she is sports and partinging in said sports (and popular!) leads me to think that you have nothing to worry about tbh.

RebelButtMunch

Have you looked into speaking with the school counselor? Or even a child psychologist? Perhaps cognitive behavioural therapy?

She may need some skills in her thought process and thinking about things. Sometimes these thing don't come naturally to everyone.

Sleeper12

RebelButtMunch wrote:

Have you looked into speaking with the school counselor? Or even a child psychologist? Perhaps cognitive behavioural therapy?

Autism is a possibility too. Schools don't always catch it. My son was in college and developed a stammer from the stress. It was only then that he was diagnosed with autism

ace_irl

One thing that really helped me when I was her age was acting classes (done for fun). They were extremely helpful with public speaking and really made me feel a lot more confident in front of people.

They were also great fun and with all the pressure put on young people these days it's great to have something that's purely about expressing yourself for the fun of it.

mirrorwall14

ace_irl wrote: »

One thing that really helped me when I was her age was acting classes (done for fun). They were extremely helpful with public speaking and really made me feel a lot more confident in front of people.

They were also great fun and with all the pressure put on young people these days it's great to have something that's purely about expressing yourself for the fun of it.

I would second the drama if she shows any interest at all. I was an exceptionally shy teenager but on stage got to be someone else. I got the lead in the school show in TY and it was the making of me.

I'm still introverted, make friends slowly and I do not like public speaking unless I know exactly what I'm talking about but I learnt to hide it. So well that a lot of the time people don't even realise unless they get to know me well. It also showed me I could be a teacher, that you can present well and teach without necessarily being outgoing.

These are skills that are super important for life and I would really encourage you (and her) to work on developing them. I spend a lot of time in Music working on the confidence of students. Literally starting with students saying their name out loud and confidently, and showing them that you can be outwardly confident even when very nervous. I don't succeed with every student but I do my damndest to send them out with the ability to present

The Wordress

I was that girl too. I always felt like the black sheep and that I was a square peg in a round hole. I still do but I'm a lot more confident now. I wouldn't say I'm an introvert but maybe an ambivert.

I don't think I spoke much through secondary school at all. I think the school just wanted to teach the curriculum and not the child. I was belittled by a few teachers because of it too.

I yearned for that positivity in my life. That person who was going to champion me.

I also never felt that I got on with girls much either which didn't help. I detest bitchiness and cliques and I never felt or wanted to be a part of them. I still don't.

I don't have any real advice but even if your child is anxious, make sure you champion her and champion her confidence.

Let her be who she is without feeling bad about herself or making her feel bad that she might not be Miss Popularity (not saying you are).

If you're close to Jisgaw, they do workshops, counselling sessions etc for teens with anxiety.

I went to a course recently and a massive teenage survey was done and 29% said that they didn't have 'One Good Adult' in their life, which is very sad.

Make sure you are that person who she turns to and can always trust.

Make sure too that there aren't other issues going on at school or on social media for her etc.

shesty

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

I'm still introverted, make friends slowly and I do not like public speaking unless I know exactly what I'm talking about but I learnt to hide it. So well that a lot of the time people don't even realise unless they get to know me well. It also showed me I could be a teacher, that you can present well and teach without necessarily being outgoing

This is me.It became a large part of one of my jobs and have had to do it on and off ever since.I don't enjoy it, but I hide it.So much so that it actually stands to me when chairing meetings (something I don't enjoy at all), and in interviews, strangely enough.
Actually now you mention it mirrorwall, I play the piano and violin myself.I don't play publicly but I have definitely found over the years that playing one on one for a teacher in lessons, and odd examiners really helps develop an ability to cope with those kind of "performance" situations.It doesn't take the nerves away but it helps you learn techniques to fake it!! :-)

mirrorwall14

shesty wrote: »

This is me.It became a large part of one of my jobs and have had to do it on and off ever since.I don't enjoy it, but I hide it.So much so that it actually stands to me when chairing meetings (something I don't enjoy at all), and in interviews, strangely enough.
Actually now you mention it mirrorwall, I play the piano and violin myself.I don't play publicly but I have definitely found over the years that playing one on one for a teacher in lessons, and odd examiners really helps develop an ability to cope with those kind of "performance" situations.It doesn't take the nerves away but it helps you learn techniques to fake it!! :-)

Exactly. And yeah I do very well in interviews and meetings too. Its super funny, I could be freaking out about where to sit at a social event but I'll happily have a row at a meeting over something that I believe in.

Music was really good for that though as I explain to my students annually, I still have a tendency to "hide" behind the piano when organising events because I'm "safe" there in my own bubble. I always describe how weirded out I am to e centre of attention without that barrier

happywithlife

New junior cycle has introduced CBA's some of which require presentations to be made in front of peers - you can make teacher aware of her anxiety but chances are they are already aware. Can't not do them I'm afraid - on a side note as a teacher I think there's a whole cohert of parents in for a shock over the new few years as reality of the new Junior cycle is implemented.
If she's sporty would you encourage to take on coaching roles aimed at teens - she s a little young yet but I'm thinking of the young referee courses run in TY (round here anyway) and helping out at Cúl Camp etc. She probably needs to be at least 16 but down the road it might help improve her confidence and help her push her boundaries but in an area She s comfortable in

corks finest

Leave her be,get her into sports,she can interact on the field,same as my 15 yr old,he chats away on Xbox live,but we're out at sports ,5 days a week, Tae Kwon do,GAA, soccer,or watching same,I felt really bad for my kid , doesent go out on the street,but that's his personality,think if u get her really active she and you will be fine

clint_silver

thanks for all replies, theres an element of everything there.

Introversion is a perfectly normal character trait.
Anxiety is perfectly normal, it helps us cope.
Shes still very young. Has friends but not many, but thats ok. Doesnt go to discos but thats ok.
My biggest concern here is how anxious shes getting over the public speaking bit. As mentioned by many in here, as we age can deal with that internally, Id prefer for her to deal with it with coping mechanisms rather than trying to break through to the other side, which some of us never do.

ScouseMouse

Monday night I was at an awards ceremony for a voluntary group with a cadet division.

One girl got promoted to sergeant and it was mentioned how well she had done as a couple of years ago, she was afraid to lift her head - never mind give orders.

Perhaps you would consider getting her into one of the voluntary groups, depending on where you are, there should be a couple around you. Works wonders for confidence and integration.

Something like St John Ambulance, Order of Malta, Civil Defence, etc etc.

witchgirl26

OP I'm in my early 30's and hate public speaking so much but have to do a certain amount for my job. What really helps me stop feeling anxious is being completely comfortable with the subject I'm talking about. I'm not talking about having a script but really knowing what the whole thing is about. Half of my anxiety used to come from the thought of "what if I forget what I've written down to say?". By knowing my topic well, that became less of an issue as I didn't have to follow a script. I also found that over-preparing made me worse whereas I know others, that helped them. It's finding which works for her.

If possible, try to get her to practice them. Alone at first, and then in front of family. People who'll be supportive and won't make an issue if she stumbles over something or forgets anything.

As for the going to discos - they were my idea of hell until I was about 16 to be honest. I then really loved them. I would have been similar to your daughter (except for the sport thing). I had a large group of friends through an interest but didn't necessarily hang out with them outside that all the time, didn't go to discos and was incredibly quiet in school. Hasn't affected me too badly in life so don't over worry. Unless there are signs of a more serious problem then it's normal enough.

sbsquarepants

The Wordress wrote: »

I went to a course recently and a massive teenage survey was done and 29% said that they didn't have 'One Good Adult' in their life, which is very sad.

Jesus that's terrible!

cbyrd

My second girl is like this, she loves her sport and has a good circle of friends but the social side doesn't interest her at all. Discos would be her idea of hell, completely opposite of her older sister who would die if she missed a disco and would spend the day getting ready for it.
Kids are different, just cos she doesn't enjoy it doesn't mean there a something wrong. Keep your lines of communication open wide for the next few years so she knows if there is anything wrong she can talk to you without judgement.
Public speaking is not everyone's forte and if there isn't any other way she displays anxiety then I'd be wary of putting a label on her.
If you're very anxious about her, the first stop is the gp. There are various clubs that can help or places like mindspace ( I think they're from 16 though)
Tbh, she sounds like a typical 14 year old who just doesn't like the limelight.
Flag her with the school anyway just to be safe.
Best of luck.

Just to add I think there's a big difference between introversion, social anxiety and difficulty in public speaking. These are three separate issues.

The first does not need to change, indeed it can't.

The second needs to be challenged in order to survive life in general - often there are people who are naturally very extroverted but their anxiety makes forming friends nigh on impossible. These people wish the anxiety was gone and mixing was easy and natural to them.

The third can be overcome with practice, especially in a safe setting.

I think it's important not to conflate this stuff. If your daughter is happy in her own company that's brilliant. If she's more content with her books and a duvet on a Saturday night than at the disco then she's like many many others.

But if she wishes to go and won't out of fear, that's a different story and she should be supported to let go of the fears if possible.

The Wordress

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Jesus that's terrible!

Here is the survey that information came from.

Very informative reading for any parents. Over 14,500 teenagers did the survey. Don't ever make any assumptions. Being a teenager is so difficult! Now more than ever I would say. We all need to be that One Good Adult!

https://www.jigsaw.ie/content/images/News__Events_/Research/MWS_Full_Report_PDF.pdf

munchkin_utd

its great to see that public speaking is part of irish schooling.
My kids (in Germany) were having to speak in front of their peers in Kindergarden since they were 3 or 4. In primary school you need to present assignments or projects in front of the class. Its just second nature to them and even the lads over 40 years old say that it was normal for them back in the 80s and 90s to be presenting stuff in class.

Of course none of this was ever done back when I was in school in Ireland (best education system in the world my ass) and my first time EVER speaking in front of a class or group was when I was 22 and presenting my final year university project and i ended up hyperventilating and nearly fainting. Pure panic, but really down to just being landed in the deep end and being in a completely new situation.

If your daughter is getting anxious now having to present things at school, well my attitude would be that its better to have it over with now and get accustomed to talking and thinking at the same time, to hearing the echo of your own voice, and practice and make the mistakes in school now rather than being landed in it for the first time in college or work when it then may have long term consequences.

As for missing teenage discos, I was glad of the excuse of having early starts on a Saturday morning to travel to play football matches an hour or 2 away to skip Friday night discos.
I of course did go to them now and again but in all honesty they were abysmal with desperate music and an awful lot of hassle with all the travel and then waiting around for a minibus afterwards, for no benefit or enjoyment except you didnt "miss anything" .

clint_silver

The disco thing is fine, had a chat over weekend, she's really just not into them. No problem. Shes the only one of her friends who doesnt want to go, seems that ok from others on here so no problem.

I dont have a problem with the schools getting to public speak, I suppose my problem here is how its handled. If 1/3 of all people have a fear of public speaking of some sort, and even a minority of that are gripped frozen by fear at the the thoughts of it (the case here), is plunging in at the deep end the way to get over that? All theyll remember is the fear, not how to control it when it hits.
We went over the subject matter at length and shes able to discuss it for length of time needed but every day has become a misery for her since she found out about it where normally shes a very happy child. Sports are suffering, other homework is suffering, the house is on edge over it. Plunge through it isn't good enough, I think anyway, and abstaining isn't the right thing either. Coping mechanism is whats needed.
Im waiting to speak to teacher.

happywithlife

clint_silver wrote: »

The disco thing is fine, had a chat over weekend, she's really just not into them. No problem. Shes the only one of her friends who doesnt want to go, seems that ok from others on here so no problem.

I dont have a problem with the schools getting to public speak, I suppose my problem here is how its handled. If 1/3 of all people have a fear of public speaking of some sort, and even a minority of that are gripped frozen by fear at the the thoughts of it (the case here), is plunging in at the deep end the way to get over that? All theyll remember is the fear, not how to control it when it hits.
We went over the subject matter at length and shes able to discuss it for length of time needed but every day has become a misery for her since she found out about it where normally shes a very happy child. Sports are suffering, other homework is suffering, the house is on edge over it. Plunge through it isn't good enough, I think anyway, and abstaining isn't the right thing either. Coping mechanism is whats needed.
Im waiting to speak to teacher.

Sitting likje a frog whilst aimed at younger children is worth looking at - has loads of mindfulness and breathing exercises. You should be able to get it on loan from your local library

clint_silver

Spoke to the teacher, very sympathetic but class speaking is part of multiple subjects now so no getting away from it. Speaking to a smaller group is unfeasable but theyll look at it. Again, its not that I dont want her to speak publicly but rather be taught how to.

Went over some mindfulness concepts and went over the subject matter with her, wrote out cue cards, practiced and practiced and practiced. She seems way happier.

I'll report back if anything more but on right track, all assistance greatly appreciated.

You are a fab parent!

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

Glass fused light

I would add get her hearing checked.
One on one I have no problem, but put me in a large cross talking group or noisy room and I am lip reading as much as hearing.

lukesmom

This is my daughter. Socially awkward and anxious. Does really well at school. Dont worry about it too much

the purple tin

Maybe try to get her interested in drama or acting. My cousins youngest was very shy and introverted he loves it and it really helped to bring him out of himself and make friends.

_Whimsical_

There was something on tv about this lately and there was a psychologist offering strategies for young teens with social anxiety.
She said the first thing she does is to start small to build confidence. She gave examples of getting the child to make a phone call that you might normally make on their behalf, like make a doctors appointment or ring a shop to inquire about something. Then move onto getting the child to interact with someone behind the counter in a shop, to ask a question, or to comment on the weather, something like that. Then you reinforce that it went well, or say "well I wouldn't have done any better/ that's what I'd say too/ that's what most people would do/ basically, "you did it well". Then you'd move onto bigger things that engaging in a conversation with a stranger about the weather or whatever. She said that over a couple of months it can make a massive difference just to build that social confidence and that other things like speaking up in school came more naturally after that.
It might be worth a try.

I suppose acknowledge her fear too. Tell her about times that you felt like that, were more afraid that she is now of something, and how you got over it with time , or times you felt you made an idiot of yourself socially but no one really noticed.

witchgirl26

OP - fair play you sound like you're trying to help as much as possible. The purple tin is onto something with the drama idea. I did a singing class that had a performance at the end of term for friends and family. It really helped me with my ability to just even stand in front of a group of people. It was doing something I loved anyway so there was a slight comfort factor. I was in my 20's at the time and my manager in work even commented on the difference in terms of confidence speaking in presentations after it.

clint_silver

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Family all good. Stable. Both parents at home. Always been the case. No issues. Shes the eldest of 5 girls. (before anyone says anything, yes, I know).

clint_silver

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP - fair play you sound like you're trying to help as much as possible. The purple tin is onto something with the drama idea. I did a singing class that had a performance at the end of term for friends and family. It really helped me with my ability to just even stand in front of a group of people. It was doing something I loved anyway so there was a slight comfort factor. I was in my 20's at the time and my manager in work even commented on the difference in terms of confidence speaking in presentations after it.

She does music, grades but wont do recitals or join the obligatory "music school band". No problem. Sings to herself in the shower but never in front of anyone. We're flat to the boards, but might try and see if theres something there we can explore though.

clint_silver

Mystery Egg wrote: »

You are a fab parent!

ah go way... bumbling through it same as rest of us and Im sure we get as many things wrong as right but figure as long as communication lines are open we have a chance of getting her and the others out the other side with as few emotional scars as possible.

I dont post much in here in this forum but read a lot of posts, they really are all helpful as much for showing what not to do as to do.