Just friends or more.......

LegacyUser

Going anonymous for this one

As the title says, I'm a married man and in the past year I've become extremely close friends with a lady, who is also married. We are very open in discussing exactly what we have between us. We have had the "discussion" and we have both agreed that while we consider ourselves closer than most couples, we will never cross the line. We start the day every day with a text or call to each other. Every night we send each other a goodnight message. We grab coffee, dinner together. Socially we move in the same circles. We hide nothing as we feel we have nothing to hide. My wife knows about her and I often meet her husband, in her house. We have each others backs, we often talk through problems with each other, problems we probably wouldn't discuss with our spouses. Sure there are rumours about us, we find these funny, as do our spouses.

Now here is where I'm looking for a bit of advice. Yes we have had the discussion, but this is how the discussion happened. About 6 months ago I did develop feelings for her, I told her how I felt and we agreed after a lengthy chat that we wouldn't cross lines as it would eventually lead to us hurting each other, along with wrecking our marriages and our friendship. We agreed we value our marriages friendship more than that. I dealt with my feelings, at least I thought I did, but every now and again the feelings show face and I do wonder if this is healthy for me and my marriage. Is it really possible for us to remain as friends?? I don't want to wreck two marriages, but I don't want to loose my best friend either.

Tokyo

You say that neither of you will ever "cross the line", but by the sounds of it you already have. The fact that you have feelings for this person that a) go beyond friendship and b) resurface frequently means that you haven't dealt with the situation as clearly as you think you have.

If you are truly unsure whether this situation is healthy for you and your marriage, then ask yourself this: If you laid all the cards on the table for your wife, and explained to her that you had deep feelings for this friend that go beyond friendship, and that the same feelings are still there, then what do you think her response would be? I think you already know the answer to that, and by extension, the damage this situation could potentially cause...

wiggle16

It's a little unclear when you say that your spouses know about each of you and laugh about the rumours about the pair of yous. I assume you mean that all four of you know each other socially, through your friendship with this woman, not that you have told your wife about your feelings for this woman?

To be honest, while you may not have crossed the line into physical intimacy, you have already crossed the line of being romantically involved with another person: you are both aware that you have feelings for one another and tell each other things you would not tell your spouses. You've effectively fallen for your friend. If we forget for a moment that you are both married, your interactions with one another sound like an extended courtship. Where you are setting "the line" is likely not the same place where your wife would have you set it.

I'm generally of the opinion that if two adult friends can talk about having feelings for one another and decide not to act on them, then that's grand, it doesn't have to be a big awkward deal. But you still have feelings for her and such that they bother you. They bother you so much that, and I don't mean this unkindly, you seem just as concerned about wrecking your friendship as with wrecking your marriage. So no, this is not healthy for your marriage.

You know therefore that you have very strong feelings for her. You both decided not to act on them, but the dynamic of your relationship has not changed - therefore you should not be surprised that your feelings haven't gone away either.

If you really want to know if this is healthy for your marriage then you really need to have a think and be honest with yourself: what would it take for you to act on those feelings?
If she told you she had changed her mind and wanted to cross the line?
If you had a fight with your wife?
If she had a fight with her husband?
If you both had a few drinks too many?
And if you let your wife read your post, how would she feel/react?

In all honestly, OP, I think you have your head in the sand a little bit. You tell each other things you cannot tell your spouses, even though your spouse should be the one person with whom you can share anything. That's what your spouse is *for*, really. You have both admitted feelings for one another but have chosen to carry on as before; to me it's kind of inevitable that you will both end up having a moment of weakness at some stage, human nature being what it is, it just hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if you can reasonably expect to be able to remain as friends, and I'm not sure that you should, either - and you aren't really friends to begin with anyway - the only way it could happen is if your relationship changes, you both take a step back and become less intimate and spend less time together. You need to decide if you are capable of doing that and if it will honestly make your feelings for her diminish - and if that is actually what you truly want.

Myself I think you are heading into an affair with your eyes closed and need to completely step back from this woman if you don't want to wreck your marriage.

Be honest with yourself, and good luck OP

Paddy Cow

Anonymous Mike wrote: »

......We have had the "discussion" and we have both agreed that while we consider ourselves closer than most couples, we will never cross the line.....

Now here is where I'm looking for a bit of advice. Yes we have had the discussion, but this is how the discussion happened. About 6 months ago I did develop feelings for her, I told her how I felt and we agreed after a lengthy chat that we wouldn't cross lines as it would eventually lead to us hurting each other, along with wrecking our marriages and our friendship....

You have already crossed the line, not physically but emotionally. You are going to have to make a choice between your marriage or your friendship with this lady. You cannot have both. You are so invested in this woman that even others are commenting on it. For the sake of both your marriages, ye should cool the friendship before ye wreak two families.

GreeBo

How would you feel if your wife had the same relationship and feelings you have with this woman with another man?

JackTaylorFan

Was in a similar situation with a married man - we became friends, but lines got blurry faster than I could ever imagine. I didn't want to ruin his marriage or disrespect his wife, so I distanced myself from him. Because although we had the heart-to-heart talk of "let's just be friends" it was clear being around each other, that eventually that arrangement was going to lead to something far heavier. I was single and personally had nothing to lose - bar my own sense of morality - so it would have been incredibly easy for me to continue on until it got to that stage.

For you, it's a no-brainer, if you love your wife and want to stay faithful, distance yourself now.

Purple Mountain

You're already having an emotional affair.

Big Bag of Chips

You are lying to your wife. You might think that you are being very open and honest about everything but you're not. Does your wife know for instance that you confide more in your "friend" than in her? Does your wife, and her husband know that you have declared feelings for her? Does your wife know that you have feelings, beyond friendship that keep resurfacing?

You are lying. You are sneaking around behind your wife's back under the pretence of being very open.

You're lying to your wife. Don't be too surprised if she's also lying to you about being ok with this, and finding the rumours funny. I would hate if my husband was in a "friendship" that had people spreading rumours. I'd feel it would completely disrespect our relationship and it would make me look like a fool. It'd be one thing if your friendship was purely friendship, but it's not. The rumours aren't funny... They're actually not too far off the mark.

Edit: By the way, if you were really just friends you wouldn't have to ask strangers on the internet if you were "just friends or more". If you had to choose between your marriage and your friendship, which would you choose? Because I think the time is coming where you have to choose.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Where does you wife and her feelings fit into this? Where does the commitment you made when you got married fit into your mindset?
If you are no longer committed to the marriage, or you regard it as your second best option, that is not fair on her.

What im saying is if you want to be free to pursue this married woman who has told you she will not 'cross the line' (but has) the you should end your marriage honorably, and invite her to do the same.

That way your wife doesn't waste the next 5 years of her life trying hard to make the marriage work, when you are already checked out emotionally. and god forbid you complicate (or have already complicated) things with children etc.

heretothere

You have to choose your wife or this 'friend' because it does not sound like you will be able to keep a platonic relationship with your friend. Although I do think you have already crossed lines I wouldn't want my partner to be more involved emotionally with another woman than he is with me.
If you have kids it will be a whole different level of complicated! Do you want to only see them every 2nd weekend? Even if you don't have kids it will all end in a mess.
If you want to leave your wife do, but I wouldn't jump straight into a relationship with the friend either it would completely humiliate your wife who would think this had been going on for years.

stargazer 68

Anonymous Mike wrote: »

We start the day every day with a text or call to each other. Every night we send each other a goodnight message. We grab coffee, dinner together. Socially we move in the same circles. We hide nothing as we feel we have nothing to hide. My wife knows about her and I often meet her husband, in her house. We have each others backs, we often talk through problems with each other, problems we probably wouldn't discuss with our spouses. Sure there are rumours about us, we find these funny, as do our spouses. .

Op just read what you have written. People are already talking about the two of you - at some point your wife and her husband are going to start listening to them. If my husband was starting and ending his day texting someone else and going for coffee and dinner with her he wouldn't be long knowing my feelings on it!

Neyite

Does your wife know that you developed feelings for your friend and that they surface from time to time? Does she know that you and your friend explored where those feelings should/should not go?

Would you feel you've nothing to hide and willingly hand over your phone with all it's texts and messages undeleted to your wife if she told you she was struggling with the friendship and wanted to see for herself the context of your communications?

If you've answered no to either of those, then you've crossed the line already. It might not be a big enough transgression for your wife to chuck you out but it's big enough to rock your marriage significantly.

Dial Hard

I put up with a similar situation between my husband and a close female friend, and guess what? He's not my husband anymore and they're getting married in August.

You are doing your wife a huge disservice here. You know what's going to happen if you keep this up. You 100% know. So either do the right thing and cut all contact with this woman, or face up to what's really happening and end your marriage. But you cannot continue this current charade of pretending nothing untoward is happening.

woodchuck

Don't kid yourself OP, this is called emotional cheating.

Hi OP,

This is purely my opinion so feel free to discount it but you are currently lying to yourself if you think you aren't going to eventually cross the line into some sort of physical relationship, or your friendship will peter out. It's very hard to see how the current situation will remain as is.

Fwiw, I don't think it's uncommon for fall for someone other than your partner, and you have the gamut of options from an affair to an open relationship to divorce but firstly you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Only you can decide what you want from your life. After that (imo) you should be honest with everyone else. Make that decision and live with it.

mapaca

I think your marriage is over, you are falling in love with your friend and are already having an emotional affair with her. There is hardly any mention of your wife, it's all about you, your feelings, your relationship with this woman. It's just a matter of time before things escalate and the two of you "cross that line". Do the decent thing and end your marriage first. Don't continue making a fool of your wife like this.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think ending the marriage is the first solution the OP should opt for. Having said that, his wife is notably absent from his post. Why isn't she his best friend?

I'd also cast doubt on his assertion that their spouses find it funny. People use humour as a cover-all when they're not sure how to deal with a situation. I bet if either spouse read the OP's post, they'd find it far from funny. At best, the closeness and behaviour is inappropriate. At worst it's a few glasses of wine away from sex.

The OP should be looking at what's missing from his marriage and why he has become so drawn to this other woman. She's his girlfriend in every other way apart from the physical intimacy bit. Just because they're hiding in plain sight does not make it OK. It's time to dial the contact back in a big way and concentrate on his marriage.

LegacyUser

Get on-line.
Find a book called "NOT JUST FRIENDS" by Shirley Glass.
Buy it
Read it.
Read it again.
Then decide if you've crossed the line
Alternatively, take on board what everyone else is saying here.
The fact is...YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

It may not be physical, but it's emotional, and you're 99.99% on your way to making it physical.
Your marriage is not over, but soon might be.
If you love your wife, end this relationship with the other woman now.
If not, you'll be reading this thread in 6 months and regretting not taking the advice everyone has given you.