Upsetting Wedding Dilemma

My daughter and her fiancé live abroad. They are 31 and 32. Their wedding is here in Ireland in August. Its pretty well planned at this stage (thanks to me her mum!).

They were home at Easter for a week to finalise arrangements about menu, cake, photographer and look at the venue etc. She even got a lovely dress - we had a ball with his family and lots of partying.

A few days after they went back he told her that 5 years ago (they are together almost 6 years) he had a one night stand. She is devastated. Ok I know it was just one night and a long time ago - but its shaken her badly. She has been crying a lot and very angry. It has broken her trust. She has given him back the ring for the moment. It is as much about his timing in telling her as about the one night stand.

The bubble of happiness and joy has burst and I really cant see how she can get it back before the wedding in August. She says they still love each other and will go ahead with the wedding but I'm not so sure. I know myself how these things can just wreck your head and you question the entire relationship. I would prefer her to postpone the wedding until she feels in a better place.

PLEASE don't troll here as I am really very hurt and upset about this on her behalf. Its very hard being on the other side of the world and trying to comfort her. I'm giving her support but also don't want to slag off her fiancé too much especially if she plans on still getting married in 4 months please. Everyone was so happy about this upcoming wedding, its such a pity to see her so upset.

any advice please?

dudara

It's not your decision to make or to influence. You can listen to her and support her, but ultimately only they know the ins and outs of their relationship. It's their wedding, their day, their relationship, not yours.

She has to decide herself if she trusts him and believes that the last 5 years of their relationship is the real measure of the man.

SusanC10

Has she seen a Counsellor? Might do her some good to talk to someone neutral.

GingerLily

This is her decision, you need to support her whatever her decision is.

dudara

dudara wrote: »

It's not your decision to make or to influence. You can listen to her and support her, but ultimately only they know the ins and outs of their relationship. It's their wedding, their day, their relationship, not yours.

She has to decide herself if she trusts him and believes that the last 5 years of their relationship is the real measure of the man.

Oh I completely get that! I 100% trust their decision whatever that is. The boyfriend even rang me at the weekend so there is a lot of communication about this. I hope to God they can work it out. But I feel so sad for her as she looks drained and exhausted and cant stop crying.

SusanC10

SusanC10 wrote: »

Has she seen a Counsellor? Might do her some good to talk to someone neutral.

Yeah I suggested that - think they could do with it as they are far away from family. I'd love them to go ahead with wedding but only if they have worked things out.

dudara

dudara wrote: »

It's not your decision to make or to influence. You can listen to her and support her, but ultimately only they know the ins and outs of their relationship. It's their wedding, their day, their relationship, not yours.

She has to decide herself if she trusts him and believes that the last 5 years of their relationship is the real measure of the man.

Jesus ! at what stage did I suggest this was my day or my wedding or my decision???
I 100% support them! I want them to get married but only if they have worked things out.

TheIronyMaiden

I would be inclined to agree with you regarding postponing the wedding. If it was my daughter I would be afraid that she almost feels obligated to go ahead with the relationship due to the wedding being mostly planned, and being afraid to let people down, lose deposits etc. I've been with my partner 7 years and it would take me a loooong time to get my head around that.

Ultimately though the other posters are right, it's about supporting the decision your daughter makes. You have my sympathies though, my daughter is only 2 and I think my heart would break seeing her in that much pain!

TheIronyMaiden

TheIronyMaiden wrote: »

I would be inclined to agree with you regarding postponing the wedding. If it was my daughter I would be afraid that she almost feels obligated to go ahead with the relationship due to the wedding being mostly planned, and being afraid to let people down, lose deposits etc. I've been with my partner 7 years and it would take me a loooong time to get my head around that.

Ultimately though the other posters are right, it's about supporting the decision your daughter makes. You have my sympathies though, my daughter is only 2 and I think my heart would break seeing her in that much pain!

Thank you so much

She already knows I’ll support her no matter what. It’s just a bit heartbreaking .
She needs surgery herself in Canada before the wedding and I’m just worried about her now . I think I’ll be making a trip out there soon .

GingerLily

If they decide to postpone that wedding then that's your decision - do not interfere and suggest it.

Are you sure you are going to be able to let your daughter make her own decisions?

Maybe ask her does she want you to visit, rather then decide yourself?

GingerLily

GingerLily wrote: »

If they decide to postpone that wedding then that's your decision - do not interfere and suggest it.

Are you sure you are going to be able to let your daughter make her own decisions?

Maybe ask her does she want you to visit, rather then decide yourself?

em you are jumping to conclusions - big time!
Nothing I want more than them to get married. I like him and always have.
She is a grown woman, 32 and well able to make her own decisions having lived abroad for 8 years now!!

She has asked me to visit as she is having an operation in May. I've been out there plenty of times , we've all gone hiking and camping together a few times. So have his parents.

Any more assumptions?

the_syco

Deleted User wrote: »

any advice please?

I'm guessing he wanted it "out in the open" before they were wed?

Perhaps they should go for marriage counselling?

Vegeta

Deleted User wrote: »

Any more assumptions?

OP I think people are responding to the following sentence.

I would prefer her to postpone the wedding until she feels in a better place.

Would you agree that this line indicates an opinion/position that the wedding be postponed?

Regardless, I would continue as you have been, support and no judgement.

the_syco

the_syco wrote: »

I'm guessing he wanted it "out in the open" before they were wed?

Perhaps they should go for marriage counselling?

yes I think so too. In a way it was based on honest and I think that's good.
The timing could have been better. She is trying to see it from his point of view but she's pretty gutted. Time will help. I've been there myself and really there's nothing that will make this easier than time.

woodchuck

This is all that matters OP:

Deleted User wrote: »

She says they still love each other and will go ahead with the wedding.

It sounds like her mind is made up.

Am I right in saying that this revelation happened max 2 weeks ago? The emotions will still obviously be raw, but it sounds like it's something she's willing to forgive. Just be there for her if she wants to talk, but don't try to influence her decision.

facehugger99

It sounds like your daughter is about to marry an idiot.

I'm sorry but he keeps this quiet for 5 years and then tells her a few months before the wedding?

What a fcuking clown!



Not very helpful I know.

georgina toadbum

Maybe he couldn't live with the guilt anymore? TBH I think fair play to him for owning up to it. It's up to her now what she wants to do.

I'd echo what others have said and suggest marriage counselling.

GingerLily

Vegeta wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

Any more assumptions?

OP I think people are responding to the following sentence.

I would prefer her to postpone the wedding until she feels in a better place.

Would you agree that this line indicates an opinion/position that the wedding be postponed?

Regardless, I would continue as you have been, support and no judgement.

Thanks - the OP is getting very defensive, my advise is only to keep her and her daughters relationship in a good place.

sweetie

From a guys perspective, he cheated in the first year of a six year relationship and finally owned up putting the marriage in jeopardy. I think he could be a decent guy who made a mistake and wanted it out in the open before the big commitment. He probably struggled with telling her for a long while and then came clean at this inoppurtune time. Let them be and they may survive this and thrive.

GingerLily

Also OP - have you considered that your daughter may find this thread? How would she feel if she did? It's her life at the end of the day, she may not appreciate it being broadcast, there are some pretty identifying features you've included.

qwerty13

Him ringing you shows that you are way too involved. You should back off, and let the couple work it out themselves.

It’s not your life, or your decision. Do support. Don’t advise.

Vegeta

Vegeta wrote: »

OP I think people are responding to the following sentence.



Would you agree that this line indicates an opinion/position that the wedding be postponed?

Regardless, I would continue as you have been, support and no judgement.

I said I would prefer "her" to postpone wedding ...........not "I would prefer" which would indicate myself. Her biggest concern is that people have already booked flights whereas I think she should think put herself first at a time like this.

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

Him ringing you shows that you are way too involved. You should back off, and let the couple work it out themselves.

It’s not your life, or your decision. Do support. Don’t advise.

I didn't ask him to ring me. In fact I found it extremely uncomfortable.

sweetie

sweetie wrote: »

From a guys perspective, he cheated in the first year of a six year relationship and finally owned up putting the marriage in jeopardy. I think he could be a decent guy who made a mistake and wanted it out in the open before the big commitment. He probably struggled with telling her for a long while and then came clean at this inoppurtune time. Let them be and they may survive this and thrive.

I know I agree with this sentiment too.

woodchuck

woodchuck wrote: »

This is all that matters OP:



It sounds like her mind is made up.

Am I right in saying that this revelation happened max 2 weeks ago? The emotions will still obviously be raw, but it sounds like it's something she's willing to forgive. Just be there for her if she wants to talk, but don't try to influence her decision.

thanks again.
yes they are working through it. It only happened last week so emotions are very raw for sure. They are already coming to terms with it and will be fine.

Thanks to everyone for advice here. I'm asking MOD to close thread now.

Neyite

It's all very new and the instinct with a bombshell like that is to try to maintain the status quo - in this case, keeping the wedding on track. That might change the more she thinks about it all.

If she's abroad then it's even more isolating than normal because if it were here she would be surrounded by friends and family to support her.

All you can do is reassure her that you will support her in whatever she wants to do, but I do think it's worth mentioning to her at least that if she wanted to postpone the wedding for a little while, it's her right to do that, and it's ok that if she does - and that you'd help her in whatever way she needs. She might be afraid to cancel and postpone as it's so near and it's cost so much. It might be worth suggesting counselling for her so she's got someone impartial and on her side to talk her feelings through with.

He's a dick to drop this on her now. Between the wedding and impending surgery it appears it's all about him wanting to expunge his guilty conscience and for him to have a clean slate with no though given to what he's going to put his fianceé through over the next few months of what should be a fun lead up to their wedding.

Does he really think that she'll have a wee cry then get back to picking the flowers like nothing happened? Ooh he's some bollox.

Toots

Closed per OP request.