Moving country, lonely depressed parents

turnikett1

Hi. Bit of a long read, much appreciated if you stick it out.

I am so torn right now. I am moving to SE Asia in a week to teach English for at least 6 months. The problem is my parents are lonely and sad, but in this instance we'll talk about my mother, as it's her who suffers the most.

To make a long story short, she's lived in Ireland for 30 years (she's not from here). In that 30 years she made some bad life choices. She battled (and defeated) heroin addiction, went through a series of emotionally and physically abusive boyfriends (of which I was privy to unfortunately), has had to deal with virtual abandonment from her immediate family and well is just poor and alone and scared. The past 30 years she's had her kids to focus on but now we've all grown up and are moving on with our life, whereas my mother is still in small town Ireland. Except now that she has no kids around her, she has nothing. No family, very few friends, financially very poor. She is very heavily addicted to marijuana and gets quite bored and even more depressed without it. She will spend a lot of her of money and effort just to get a little bit.

She cries all the time. She's talked about not wanting to live anymore very frequently (I don't fear she'd kill herself though). She talks about how hopeless, dejected and defeated she feels. She would love to move back to her home country but my little brother is 19, and he ****ed up at school and is kind of going nowhere in life at the moment. She was on the cusp of moving back but when the reality of leaving him behind with his useless alcoholic father hit, she stayed. She put me and my sister through college and gave us good lives and so she feels obliged to do the same for him. But as I say he is going nowhere, has very little ambition in life apart from working in a shop and smoking joints. I just don't know what to do anymore, my sister does not give a fvck seemingly. I've sent her messages upon messages asking her to help out, help with our mother's depression, share the responsibility, care about her... But all I get is nothing. I've tried and tried. My mother has always been a bit depressed, with the being left behind by her family, bad boyfriends and away from home, but the depression really went into overdrive mode about 7 years ago when my sister just took off to London. After she took off she it was like she died. She just doesn't care about any of us, and it boggles us. It really does.

But it's been 7 years of me comforting my mother, crying with my mother, crying by myself, listening to my mother cry, hearing her talk about how lonely and sad she is, how her life is over, how she has no will to keep going on anymore. I can't take it anymore, I cry far more often than is normal. I am moving to SE Asia to teach English soon but the thought of leaving my mother behind is killing me. She has started to tear up several times when talking of my departure. If my parents were happy I would happily go for a full year without coming back, but with how sad she is I can't picture myself staying longer than 6 months and even that seems like too much. The worst thing about it is my mother has a Masters in English Literature, but has had no luck in getting a job with it and instead is a carer, looks after old people and as she likes to remind herself so frequently, cleans up their sh1t.

I don't know what to do anymore. I wish my sister cared. I wish my mother's family cared. I wish my brother had more ambition and could help out more. I know he's young but he refuses to even entertain the idea of moving back to my mother's country with her for a month or two, just to help her get settled. I should be excited about leaving but honestly I'm so nervous. Not about being there but nervous about knowing how lonely and sad my mother is. To make matters worse her mental health and marijuana addiction has lead her to being really paranoid and she always gets into big arguments with the neighbours, who she thinks are always insulting her. A few weeks ago my mother developed a really bad habit of abusing sleeping pills (which she knocked thankfully), and she was taking at least 10 a day. There was a day when she got locked out of her room and went absolutely crazy, thrashed the house, was screaming and crying for hours and tried knocking down the wall and all sorts of things. It was really terrifying and I hate to say it but I had to call the police. It was horrible. She stopped abusing the sleeping pills since, but the fact of the matter is she is still very very depressed.

I can go on and on but I will stop. I don't know what I'm looking for. Just someone to reach out. She said will speak to a counselor soon but she went to one before and just lost patience with them. She said when I leave she will stop smoking marijuana. I would hope that her not being so dependent on weed and talking to someone will help but honestly the only thing that would help her now is a husband and being back in her home country. I don't want my mother to die without finally attaining happiness. I feel like I would never truly be happy for the rest of my life with that in mind. I am constantly fed memories of being a child, being a little boy, so innocent and impervious to the cruel realities of life. Laughing and playing with my mother, my mother when she was happy. I can still hear the bedtime songs she used to sings, the Spanish terms of endearment she used to call us like cariño, the toys she used to buy us, the places she took us... I don't feel like a 25 year old man at times. I still feel like a little boy, and all I want to do is hold and comfort my mother forever. This can't go on, I'm so upset all the time.

Thanks.

Tell me how

Sounds like a pretty tragic scenario all round.

Though it sounds harsh, I think that maybe you leaving would help everyone. I definitely think you should go, commit to it and enjoy it. You say you don't think your mother is suicidal which is good thankfully, maybe, without you around she'll actually improve a bit as she won't be able to dwell in negativity and unload on you. Maybe your sister and brother are not helping out because of you carrying the can and might step up when you're away.

Could you talk to her about how much you're looking forward to this, all the stories you'll have, how you'll send her pictures and maybe little gifts and how much you'll be looking forward to seeing her when you get back.

Can she use Skype, show her how ye will still be able to see each other if you think that would help.

shesty

Oh jeez OP.
But you can't put your life on hold for her.
Sort her out on Skype, and say six months is a trial period to see how it goes, rather than the whole thing.Try to leave yourself some options open.
I feel sorry for you, I really do.It's very tough.

Mr. Incognito

It seems like your Mother is dependant on you.

It might sound cruel but maybe the best support for her is support she has to access on her own.

You can support her but yoyu have to live your own life also.

Ghekko

Seems like your sister ran for the hills when she got her chance and I can't say I blame her. Why would she want to come back to a scenario of drugs, abusive boyfriends of your mothers etc? No doubt she suffered emotionally over the years and her leaving with little contact is her way of moving on with her own life. You can't expect her to move back or to even want to help.

You can't be expected to stay with your mother either. You are suffering huge guilt for wanting to leave but you need to get on with your life. Your mother should be encouraging you to go and have fun. Any mother would prefer their child to stay but should first and foremost want the best for their child at the same time. If going to SE Asia will make you happy then she should be delighted for you. But she is laying the guilt on and manipulating you to try to get you to stay. You need to put your foot down and make your arrangements and not entertain the negativity. If she has people in Spain to move back to then she should go - even for the few months you plan to be away, as a trial.

As for your brother all you can do is talk to him, advise him on how he too can turn his life around and do something with it. It's up to him to follow through and make something of himself but you cannot force him.

Overall, don't put your life on hold. In time you may have a partner and kids and may not have the opportunities to travel that you do now. You end up putting your life on hold for your kids and the circle starts again. While your mother made bad choices in her life with drugs and unsavoury partners, they were her choices and not your fault. She's reared her kids to adulthood now and she should start to look out for herself again.

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Rubberchikken

Yes your moms had a tough life but she made her choices. She could stop smoking weed and get the support she needs to live a better life but while you're around i think she'll find it easier to continue as things are and lean on you.
Do you want to turn around at 3040/50/60 and find life over?
Go abroad. Live your life. I think she'll survive.

ironwalk

I agree with the posts above.
You cannot change another person; you cannot make better choices for them. You can't live their lives for them, and they can't live yours.

In many ways, going is probably the best thing for them- it definitely will be for you.

If you go, and make a life for yourself, you might be the example to your younger brother of how things could be different.

Now, he might decide that you "had it easy" or that you were "lucky".
But that's an excuse of him to stay where he is.
The same with your mum- she's obviously an intelligent lady, but is not putting it to good use.
That's fine- it's her choice about how to live her life. You can sympathise that her bad choices have led to bad outcomes for her.
But you don't have to repeat or enable her choices.

Ditch the guilt; make your own life.

turnikett1

Thanks for the responses. Yes the answer has always been to live my own life and search for my own fulfillment and this is exactly what I've always planned on doing, hence the moving to Vietnam. I know I can't make my sister care, I can't make my mother's family care, I can't suddenly make my mother happy. I've explained this to her, if she wants her life to improve only she can do it. It will take baby steps. Counseling > not smoking weed > a more satisfying job > getting our younger brother on track > Spain, etc, or whatever.

She agrees with what I say but she's just too depressed to do anything. I've tried getting her back into reading and painting, she loves reading and is an amazing artist, but she doesn't care. I've tried to convince her to go back to her Buddhist retreat, where she can meditate and talk to her monk friends that she used to spend time with... but she doesn't care. Any suggestion is just met with extreme apathy. All she wants to do is go to Spain, all she can think about is how lonely and neglected she feels. I just can't hack it anymore. I 100% empathize with her but she needs to get out of the effin' house and just do something.

It's just always there. Her depression is my depression. I go out to the pub, have the craic with my friends, go on a day trip with my girlfriend, come in to work, go to college, etc and enjoy myself but it's forever sitting at the back of my mind, ready to bring me down the second my mind is unoccupied, which it so often does. I've stopped trying to get my sister to care. I can understand her wanting to disconnect from our tough upbringing (which to be honest, after the ages of 11/12, wasn't so bad) but I fail to see how she feels such little compassion for her own mother. Our mother has sacrificed so much to ensure our happiness and security but my sister just does not care. I can't pretend to get on with her, nor can I continue to encourage her to help our mother... So in that sense I just can't really speak to her at all anymore.

I'm really worried about my younger brother, too. We have different dads, and his dad used to beat our mother (he doesn't know this) and is an alcoholic. I know my little brother feels lost and I'm worried about leaving him behind with our crazy paranoid depressed mother and his useless boozing dad. I will stay in touch with him as much as possible and have a bit of a pep talk before I go.

I know we all have our crosses to bare but having a fractured, dysfunctional family is rough. It pains me a bit when I go to my girlfriend or friends' house and their parents are happily married with nice jobs/pension in a nice house, with happy children who regularly maintain contact and visit them. I want that so bad. I would do anything for my parents to be in that situation. But alas... even though I know it's the right thing to do I'm still scared of leaving my mother behind. I'm not Christian but I've began praying to the whatever power the universe has to help us out, I'm at my wits end

Thanks again guys. My girlfriend and close friends can only take so much of me venting about this!!!

Tell me how

Some people have advocated that you cut your family our of your life completely and go live your own life.
I don't think it is as simple as that as you obviously care deeply, particularly about your mother.

I hope she finds motivation within herself to do something positive for her. Depression is cruel and she possibly no longer remembers feeling better not to mind understanding that it is possible but takes some action.

I hope you do go and enjoy yourself and that your family, particularly your mother find a way to improve their situation. If they do, that would be wonderful for you to hear about and to come back to. If they don't, it's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty for having left. This is your time.

Ghekko

Would you consider counselling for yourself? You seem to be carrying so much guilt and worry. You have done more than enough by trying your very best to encourage your mother, your sister and your brother. You now need to tell each of them that you are leaving to fulfil your dream. Let them make of that what they will, but you need to leave with a free mind knowing that there's nothing else you can do to make their situations better.

If your mother craves a life in Spain then she should go. It may be a fantasy she's craving as the reality of living there might be crap. But she probably needs to go and try it out.

Emme

turnikett1 wrote: »

I know we all have our crosses to bare but having a fractured, dysfunctional family is rough. It pains me a bit when I go to my girlfriend or friends' house and their parents are happily married with nice jobs/pension in a nice house, with happy children who regularly maintain contact and visit them. I want that so bad. I would do anything for my parents to be in that situation. But alas... even though I know it's the right thing to do I'm still scared of leaving my mother behind. I'm not Christian but I've began praying to the whatever power the universe has to help us out, I'm at my wits end

Thanks again guys. My girlfriend and close friends can only take so much of me venting about this!!!

OP it sounds like your mother leans on you. As long as you stick around she isn't going to do anything to improve her situation because you are there for her to fall back on. At your age it seems like you have forever but you say you'll stay another year, another year turns into 5, 5 years turn into 10 and so on until you're in your 40s or 50s, wondering where the hell your life went and your mother is more dysfunctional and helpless and whatever hesitation you feel about leaving now that will multiply exponentially with each passing year.

Your brother is 19 so is technically old enough to look after himself. He seems to be going in the same direction as your mother, sitting back and letting others (you) do the worrying.

Do you ever stop blaming your sister for a minute and wonder why she left with no contact? There is only so much you can do for people before they drag you down with them. Have you spoken to a doctor about the family situation?

GO NOW. Close your ears to the chaos because your mother will most likely be fine. Not flourishing, but fine. If you commit to staying away for a year it will clear your head and you will come back with a new perspective on things. Or you might decide not to come back at all, or only come back for a short visit.

It's your life. If you don't claim it for yourself, others will claim it for themselves.

I would advise you to research Covert Narcissism. You might find it interesting and understand your sister's actions better.

hey OP, you have had a hard time looking out for everyone else it seems, but remember this,
even if your mother was a totally together well adjusted woman, she would still be tearing up at the thoughts of you leaving!

my brother was in oz for years, & my mam cried everytime they were on the phone together. both my brothers were in holland for few years,
she cried when they left, she cried when they came home to visit, she cried when they came home for good.
I myself always thought I was the one that held everything together, but last year I got an opportunity to go overseas.
Basically its my only chance, i worried about her a lot, she is alone, has no-one & is prone to depression.
but I took the opportunity, & she cried when i left, she cried the first few times on the phone. But its ok, she is doing ok.
whats app & viber is great, i text, send pics every day.

basically, you have your own life, your own choices, the choices your mother made are not your responsibility, its great you care,
but you need to go out & enjoy your life.
once you are gone you wont regret it.

suicide_circus

You need to decide if your mothers f-ed up life is going to bring you down as well or if you are going to break the cycle. Your mother should be delighted that her daughter is doing something worthwhile with her life but in my experience addicts tend to be manipulative and make things all about them. You'll only end up regretting it and resenting her if you don't go.

turnikett1

Thanks again everyone. I do regret fighting with my sister, but if I'm honest I still struggle with how uncaring she is. She never comes home, never rings, never checks up, she's basically dead to us. It's sad because I want to have an older sister and my mother would love nothing more than having a daughter who occasionally rings her up. But that's not the way it is and it's pointless trying to force it. To me family is so important and even if our upbringing was rough and not that rosy there's no way you can say my mother didn't care for or love us; she dedicated everything she had to ensure we had a good life.

There's not a whole lot left to be said. My mother started going to counseling today so I hope between that and my departure it'll be the beginning of her taking control of her life. I don't know. I don't feel guilty about going, and my mother hasn't tried to coerce me into staying, she's happy that I'm going. But I just get sad thinking about it, she's noticeably much happier when I'm around. The thought of her going upstairs to her bedroom, alone, every night, to think about how her life has been wasted, just depresses me.

The posts in this thread have helped me realize I can only be so sad and try so hard before I have to move on. I feel a little bit less anxious now, one can only be so depressed on someone else's behalf... To me life is filled with polarities and opposites, so I can only hope that this extreme low of hers will someday be accompanied by an extreme high I hope, I pray.

Thanks again.