Siblings

Dookie08

Sorry if this is a long post.

I need to get something of my chest. I‘m early 40’s and I have 2 brothers one late 30’s and the other early 30’s. both parents alive in their early 70’s.
I have my own house and both my brothers live with my parents. I haven’t live with my parents in nearly 15 yrs..

Basically the issues is my brother in his late 30’s has never contributed to running the household at home.. my mother does everything for him including even buying his shower gel.. he has a full time as a qualified accountant..

The youngest brother went back to college and is finishing in a few weeks.

Thing about is my father keeps telling me how tight things are having a younger brother in college. None of them are contributing one penny.

My issue is my brothers don’t seem to have any notion of moving out. My parents don’t see anything wrong with it but then my father complains about finances been tight ..

I spoke to my brother who is working before about this and he just laughed at me. My parents have a small family business they don’t even help out there and give them a break.

Maybe I’m wrong but I do feel very sorry for my parents who should be now enjoying life and relaxing .. I just feel my brothers are very selfish but I don’t want to cause a big family fall out ..

Outkast_IRE

Your parents are the only ones who will be able to change the situation without a massive falling out .

I agree it's not right that they don't contribute. But it's your parents household , all you can do is give an opinion to your parents if they broach the topic with you , you can't fight their battles for them . They are too soft by a long shot with them, it's probably ruined them at this stage.

zoobizoo

Your younger brother will get a job and if he wants independence, will move out.

As the older guy, he chooses to live a non independent life... The life of a teenager.

He should be contributing to food, bills, and rent but he chooses not to and your parents should be getting it.

As it is they haven't put down rules or boundaries and they allow him away with it.

Things are tight because they aren't willing to ask for it and because he isn't adult enough to offer or move out.

It's their issue though. They are adults.

silverharp

the older brother sounds like a real parasite, id be ripping the p1ss out of him non stop

ironwalk

I agree with Zoobizoo.

I can understand your frustration with your late 30's brother- BUT ultimately that is your parents issue, not yours.

Family dynamics are tough , and it's almost impossible to take a detached, impartial point of view when you are a member of the family.

But, think about it. Your brother might be getting a financial boost from living at home, but he's not learning how to be an independent adult, he''s not learning how to budget realistically, and he sure as hell is not going to be an attractive prospect to a potential partner.

All you can do is support your parents as much as you are able to so that your own conscience is clear.

evolving_doors

zoobizoo wrote: »

Your younger brother will get a job and if he wants independence, will move out.

As the older guy, he chooses to live a non independent life... The life of a teenager.

He should be contributing to food, bills, and rent but he chooses not to and your parents should be getting it.

As it is they haven't put down rules or boundaries and they allow him away with it.

Things are tight because they aren't willing to ask for it and because he isn't adult enough to offer or move out.

It's their issue though. They are adults.

One word

Inheritance.

Op you've got to be prepared to cut ties and not expect anything if it's not sorted.

Even if the fella does meet a potential spouse I wouldn't be surprised if your parents wind up considering selling the business and moving to a smaller house to 'downsize' and giving him the house. I've seen that happen before.
Middle fella will get the house and be left with the business as he's an accountant and probably endowed with the description of 'being the child who was always good with numbers' by your folks.
I've zero legal training but to my knowledge a property doesn't have to be necessairily divided equally if one sibling can claim they had a stake in it's upkeep.

Those are all extreme scenarios but you gotta be prepared to let it go or else spend money contesting it.

Then again things might work out fine. Forget them and focus on your own life.
Itd be interesting to see what would happen if the brother who's gone to college moves home after.

Addle

Your parents have facilitated their sons behaviour and habits.
So up to them to make changes.

Dial Hard

Out of pure interest, OP, are you male or female?

wiggle16

I disagree with the above about inheritance - that's all quite conjectural and not really relevant. For all we know OP's parents have willed everything they own to the Cats and Dog's Home, and the accountant will be out on his ear.

OP as others have said, there is nothing you can nor should do. Believe me, if I were in your position I would be livid with my siblings too, but it is not your battle to fight. They have chosen to allow one son to become a permanent fixture and the other one looks to be heading the same way - but this is their issue.

The other side of it is that your parents are in their 70's - some people would be perfectly happy to have an adult child live with them as they age - even if he does not lift a finger at home, they might feel more secure having him there. Obviously I think that's daft but if they have not made an issue of it, I would drop it and try to forget about it. You have grown up and got out and made a life for yourself; it's a pity your brother hasn't done the same, but that's all it is, a pity. If your parents are happy, don't rock their boat.

Ghekko

Each time your father mentions things being tight you should just suggest he tells your brothers to start contributing to the household. It's not your problem - your parents are too soft and need to stand up to your scrounging brothers. It's not for you to solve. However I would at every opportunity bring it up in company that your brothers have a free ride living at home so that they may be shamed into contributing. God help the women who may have the misfortune of ending up with them - if they have such little respect for your parents it doesn't bode well for their own future relationships.

zoobizoo

You could ask:

"Is there a reason why you don't ask John for rent and money towards bills?"

That answer will be quite telling...

Dookie08

Thanks for all your replies..

All advice is helpful and I have decided to stay out of it.. I just want my parents to be able enjoy retirement etc.

As for inheritance I know this will be an issue going forward but again I have stayed out of it. As far as i am concerned I have made my own life. I have my mortgage , stable relationship etc so I’m not looking for anything.