Can't stand families

LegacyUser

I am 21 and did not have a close family growing up. I am in my final year of college now (paid for by me). I have not spoken to my parents in many months and have not seen them in even longer. There was a lot of alcohol and fighting/silence/passive aggressive things growing up. My mam is extremely mentally sick and I feel let down by my dad for not taking me out of the situation. My decision to not try and fix things with them has been final for about a year now. I agonised and cried and tried for years and I snapped last year and finished it all.

I know this is not normal family dynamic and since it's very very painful for me to talk about nobody really knows. My housemates/closer friends obviously see that I never go back 'home home' as they would do the odd weekend or for a birthday etc. They try to remedy this by inviting me to their parents houses for the weekend, to have a night out or just to hang out. Their parents are nothing but friendly and 'normal' but it all drives me mad. It drives me mad when peoples parents ring or text them and I have to catch myself before I roll my eyes. I know this is wrong and it should be normal for parents to do this. I think it down to the fact I did not have anyone ever do this to me, I don't know is it jealousy deep down or just plain annoyance. I have one friend who is very close to her mam, aunts and granny, and I just find it so beyond irritating when we are doing something and she has to pause to reply to their message or take their call, and then they just laugh and chat together. I sound ridiculous and possessive and weird writing this all down. (The friend definitely does not know I feel this as I wouldn't let it show but it honestly makes me reconsider the friendship and some days I just don't want to see her so will try think of an excuse). I also can't stand when parents or siblings or cousins come and visit my housemates and are in the house, this makes me so irritated and I just wish i wasn't there (Again i don't show this).

I am very lonely and quite desperate for attention from men but I can't help but think who would want to be in a relationship with someone with no family, and someone who doesn't want to be around a family. I am too embarrassed to go to counselling - what can they even do? They can't fix it or find me a family. I am even embarrassed by what I have typed but in recent years I have honestly slept with too many men to get their attention and then I will ignore them afterwards because in my mind it can't go any further. I have realised how nasty and cruel this is and now I try to be very honest about not wanting anything serious.

I cannot stomach the thought of getting into a relationship and having to meet the parents and be around them, and also can't stand the thought of explaining to someone I really like how I have no normal family and nowhere to go at Xmas. I also can't stand the thought of having children and think I would be a bad mam. That's fine now I suppose but in 10 years the majority of men will want to start their own family.

What can I do? I don't need an overnight solution but do i just avoid relationships? I am sick of being alone. What stage in a relationship do you tell someone things like this?

Idle Passerby

It sounds like your hurt. I'm no psychologist but here's my two cents: your getting irritated by your friends having a relationship with their families because you are saddened you've never had that and don't seem likely to have that with your family.

Youve decided that families are not necessary because yours were a negative influence and you've managed without them. You've come this far without the support system your friends have had.

Pragmatically, there's no logical reason it should bother you that other people get on with or communicate with their parents. Their relationships outside your friendship is nothing to do with you, but emotional reactions aren't based on logic.

It sounds like your resentful of, or threatened by your friends/potential partners broader social circle. That's not a reasonable attitude to have, everyone you meet will have other people in their lives that are important to them. It shouldn't really matter whether those people are friends or relations, it all boils down to people having a pre-existing network.

Its sh1tty your family life wasn't good and you haven't got a good relationship with them but family can be of your own making too. Build a supportive network of your own. Easier said than done, I know, but it's not healthy to continue resenting the fact that your friends speak to their parents on the phone.

baby and crumble

First off, OP, fair play to you supporting yourself and doing what was necesary for YOUR mental health. Can't have been easy so well done.

I would say, however, that you should possibly look into accessing some counselling for this whole thing. I think you know it's not really normal to have SUCH intense feelings of dislike towards your friends simply because they got on with someone else- regardless of whether that's another friend or a family member.

I know you say they can't get you another family, and you're right, but what they can do is help you not feel quite so angry, which will loose you freinds and connections, and which could really sabotage (and I think you know it has been sabotaging already) your relationships and future life. Try your college student support office or similar to access it. I found it great when I was in college.

LegacyUser

This post reminds me so much of my own life, except that, by the time I had any semblance of this level of awareness I was well into my thirties.
So firstly, we’ll done for knowing what’s best for your mental heath and choosing your own well being over whatever your family might force on you.
Secondly, you seem very aware of your own emotions, wants and needs, and this is a great advantage at the age of 21.
I have no solid advice, except to do everything you can for yourself. Never give up, read books about how to survive problem childhoods, get therapy if you can afford it, or if it’s available through college. Keep revisiting therapy through the years, when you start work for example, if you get a pay rise, maybe spend the extra on counselling/CBT/life coaching.
I think you have a huge level of awareness and independence for someone so young. Please don’t give up on yourself, keep growing and learning about yourself and I believe things will improve for you.
Maybe you won’t change your mind or attitude towards families but I believe you can be happy in your own life.

seamus

Agreed on what baby and crumble says above.

Family relationships have a very different dynamic to friendships, in that they can just pick up and drop off at will. There's often a very different tone to them.

When you're with someone else and they meet family, you instantly feel like an outsider. It's odd.

It's like being with a good friend and you bump into someone they apparently know really well but you've never met. You feel like there's a part of your good friend that somehow you don't know, and suddenly you're asking yourself whether you really know this person at all.

And when you don't have family relationships of your own to relate to, I can definitely see how it would make you very uncomfortable.

I think in the long-term, the solution is learning to grit your teeth and immerse yourself in the uncomfortable situations; get to know your friends' families and go with the flow when you encounter them.

But before you can even begin that you need to come to terms with your own upbringing. And for that, counselling is the way to go.

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heretochat

Another one who can relate to your situation OP.

Haven't seen or spoken to my siblings in quite a few years now. Lost a parent a few years back and the surviving one I am not close to at all.

I moved out of home when I was a lot younger and made my own way in the world, similar to what you are doing so kudos to you for that.

We all engage in damaging behaviours at times (alcohol etc.) and you seem to appreciate that your interaction with men is not "normal". I would suggest you concentrate on the positive achievements in your life and not worry about the perceptions of not having a family circle.

You are young and the right person will come along for you who won't be bothered by whether you have a family in tow or otherwise

Hi OP, my heart genuinely goes out to you. I can't really comment on your upbringing but fair play to you for having the strength to cut contact. Like many Irish people I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household (alcoholic father who died in my late teens) and I'm still living with the impact of that upbringing. Of course, it is hard to know what of my traits are down to just my nature and what are down to my upbringing and life is life, you just have to get on with it.

I've had periods of loneliness and it's an awful feeling. The best advice I can give you is just to be kind to yourself. You sound like you know about what you've been through but it's ok to acknowledge how hard you've had it. One of the most of important things is to realise you can be kind to yourself. It's when we are our loneliest that we need to make the effort to reach out to people and connect with others. It's hard, but ultimately it works.

Good luck OP, I really hope you get someplace great in your life soon!

orthsquel

If you're feeling lonely now, and engaging in behaviour that's leaving you feel lonely, the counselling route is probably the best route to take.

It's not a quick fix, but it will help you deal with how you feel towards your friends' families and you own negative feelings about yourself (in the future) and help deal with behaviour patterns.

While you may not be letting it show to friends how you feel, it's bound to at some point, become an issue that they will pick up on. Even if it stays hidden for a long while, it will still be affecting you and making you feel unhappy. The sooner you deal with the feelings and behaviour, the younger and earlier in life, the easier you will make it for your future.

You have created distance in your friendships, they don't know your past, but I do know that you're setting yourself up to be very lonely if you don't deal with the distance and keeping this walled up behind a front. It'll keep you feeling distanced and disconnected from others unless you're truly opening up to others and letting people in. Talking about your own past is your story to tell, and the more often you tell it, to yourself, your counsellor and to others over time, it easier it becomes to deal with and the more open you can be with others. It will help you forge more meaning in life, and more meaningful connections, friendships and relationships but helping you regain your trust in others.

orthsquel

orthsquel wrote: »

Talking about your own past is your story to tell, and the more often you tell it, to yourself, your counsellor and to others over time, it easier it becomes to deal with and the more open you can be with others. It will help you forge more meaning in life, and more meaningful connections, friendships and relationships but helping you regain your trust in others.

Just on this OP, one thing I found brilliant was writing short stories, usually not based on my real life but years later I could look back and see undertones of my life in them. Usually just for my own enjoyment (seriously, getting lost in a few thousand words is a great way to clear your head). As Orthsquel says, this is your story to tell, and happily (imo), you are young enough to have a say in the best bits yet to come.

suicide_circus

reallyneedadvice wrote: »

I am very lonely and quite desperate for attention from men

watch out for this - could lead you to make some very bad choices. A damaged young person can often attract the vultures and creeps. You are you. You are not your family - any decent chap who really likes you wont be put off by your situation.