Stick with Sports?

LegacyUser

I have an issue with my son (8) and I am looking for some advice or possibly reassurance. I took him to GAA and Soccer when he was 6 but he showed no interest so he dropped out until this year when he asked could he go to Soccer and Rugby as most of his friends were going. I have watched a lot of the training and he is the weakest player in both sports by a distance, in fact he rarely kicks or gets the ball at all.

He seems to get bored of it quickly and by the end of training he is just wandering around the pitch daydreaming. The other players seem to have given up on him as well, nobody passes to him and they just play around him at this stage. Worse still, some of them have made negative comments about his ability, and this has understandably upset him. He was visibly upset coming home from training this week and said something along the lines of 'Why can't I be normal!'.

I should say he wants to go, and I have asked him if he is enjoying it and if there is anything bothering him to tell me or his coach. He says he is fine and is excited coming home from school on soccer days and seems to be looking forward to going despite the above. I don't think team sports are for him, but I have tried Martial Arts and Tennis and neither stuck, a lot of other after school stuff is on at difficult times as both mum and dad are working demanding jobs. He likes swimming and I bring him when I can.

His self esteem is very low to begin with and I am just wondering if anybody has experienced anything similar, and am I am doing more harm than good by continuing to bring him? I regularly bring him out to the garden to kick a ball around and we practice catching the rugby ball in the house, but he get bored very quickly and wants to go back to playing with his toys.

On a wider note, he also seems to struggle to make and keep friends, and often tells me that he has nobody to play with in the yard at school. I have set up a plethora of playdates to see if he clicks with anybody and his class mates have come over and had a good time but the invitation is rarely reciprocated. I have spoken to his teacher and she wasn't much help, I suppose it is not really a case of bullying, more that he is not fitting in. He does have a handful of close friends, one in particular but unfortunately he is in another school. I don't know why this is the case, he is a handsome and bright lad and is great fun to be around when he is happy. He is very smart and excels at maths but underachieves a bit in school, his teacher has told me that his concentration isn't always great.

One possible issue is that he is obsessed with dinosaurs and superheroes and will play with them for hours. This obsession extends to imitating a T-Rex and making loud growling noises. I have explained to him that this is fine at home and in private when playing but that it may be off-putting for people in public. This doesn't always stop him doing it.

Sorry for the lengthy post, I am just worried for him and I think he is a little bit lost in his peer group. Would love to hear from other parents who have had to deal with similar issues.

farmchoice

i had a long reply typed there, and i deleted it, i can relate to a lot of what you said, i have an eight year old boy as well, lots of the same issues.

i deleted it because at the end of the day all the advice i was giving was things you now yourself or have already done and to be honest they are more to make us feel like better parents then things that really do help.

ill just say two things.

1. he is is now at the age where he has to be let to start finding his own way, up to know we have literally and metaphorically wrapped them in our arms and solved all their problems, we cant do that any more, its just not possible and sometimes the more we try the worse we make it.

2. even though it looks like he is different than the others, not as good at ball, not as confident, does things that seem babyish or embarrassing, hes not, hes the same, more or less. the best footballer on the team, the joker with the hair gel and easy way, his dad sees all sorts of other issues, he seeing his little lad crying himself to sleep because he cant seem to get his spellings right or his best friend said he doesn't like him anymore and because he defines himself by his friendships more than others this absolutely devastates him.
out from anything else for every kid on the soccer team there are 20 at home who dont go near the place or gaa or rugby. hes probably better at football then all of them.

support him as best you can and guide him as best you can, you can do no more. it sounds like you are doing all that and more, being the best dad you can be. that all you can do, keep her lit.

bee06

Does he actually want to play sports? If he doesn’t and he’s not good at it I’d accept that it’s not for him.

If he’s good at maths would something like Coderdojo interest him?

mrpdap

Hi OP,
You’ve mentioned quite a few issues in your post, but overall it’s critical to keep your son involved in sport or other physical activity for as long as you can.
He needs this for his own long term physical well being as well as developing friendships with teammates.
If field sports aren’t his thing are there others within reach that he could try, swimming, athletics, tennis? Scouts are also good for activities.

seamus

I'm going to try and help here as someone who enjoyed trying to play sports as a kid, but also suffered from daydreaming and disengaging and as a result never made anything of it.
In retrospect I lacked focus and understanding of the value of practice - I would actually have been a very good player of most sports, but I came from a place where I didn't understand why many others were much better than me; because they practiced more than I did, intentionally or incidentally.

Concerned_Dad wrote: »

He was visibly upset coming home from training this week and said something along the lines of 'Why can't I be normal!'.

I would say he doesn't understand what the difference is between him and the other kids. He's not aware of the other kids putting in hours of practice playing outside with their mates. All he sees is his teammates turn up for training and matches, and running literal rings around him. He doesn't join up the dots, and so he thinks he's not "normal".

And because he feels he's no good at it, he disengages and daydreams. And it becomes a vicious circle.

It may not be possible to actually get him to see this. I don't know if 8/10/12 year old me would have accepted it and changed my perspective. But he's at an age where he will understand what you say and may be able to mull on it.

I should say he wants to go, and I have asked him if he is enjoying it and if there is anything bothering him to tell me or his coach. He says he is fine and is excited coming home from school on soccer days and seems to be looking forward to going despite the above. I don't think team sports are for him, but I have tried Martial Arts and Tennis and neither stuck, a lot of other after school stuff is on at difficult times as both mum and dad are working demanding jobs. He likes swimming and I bring him when I can.

If he enjoys it, I see no harm in bringing him. If there is something specific he really likes, like swimming, then I'd suggest finding ways to make it work. Find a pool with times more suitable to your routines, or alter your routines to make the time.
As above, even if a child isn't "sporty", ensuring that they remain physically active is very important for their physical and mental health into teenage years and beyond.

This section drew some concern from me:

His self esteem is very low to begin with

....

One possible issue is that he is obsessed with dinosaurs and superheroes and will play with them for hours. This obsession extends to imitating a T-Rex and making loud growling noises. I have explained to him that this is fine at home and in private when playing but that it may be off-putting for people in public. This doesn't always stop him doing it.

He has things which is he apparently passionate about, and you describe them as an "issue". You're worried about his self-esteem, but warn him off being himself in public, instructing him that the things he may do in public could be "off-putting".

Do you say this to him because you're embarrassed by his behaviour? Or are you trying to save him embarrassment by proxy? If he's not embarrassed by his behaviour, perhaps you should just let him be? He's 8, not 18. Pretending to be a dinosaur and running around in public should be par for the course.

Join in, have fun with him, and his self-confidence will grow.

In all seriousness and without any intention to offend, on those last two paragraphs alone I'd suggest speaking to someone who specialises in parenting techniques. If you were a sporty kid, then you might have different expectations and experiences of growing up, whereas you'll find a lot of perfectly normal and happy adults can strongly identify with your son.

So it might be worth speaking to someone to reset your own expectations of "normal", or even just to give you a thumbs up and reassure you that you're doing fine.

We all look at our kids every now and again and wonder, "WTF am I doing, I'm just totally winging this, I have no idea if they're getting on OK".

LegacyUser

Thanks to all who have replied and just to clarify a few things.

Yes he seems to want to play, he asked to go in the first place, my concern is that he does not really participate once he gets there. I wouldn’t be worried about this but for the fact that some of his teammates have made nasty comments lately and it seems to be upsetting him.

I have tried numerous other activities like scouts, tennis, swimming and martial arts and he has limited interest except for the swimming and he does that regularly although it’s me bringing him rather than formal lessons. Perhaps he will develop more interests as he grows older. He likes technology so coderdojo would be ideal but we live in a very rural area and there isn’t one available locally. As stated in the OP, logistics do get in the way sometimes as he has other siblings and it’s a crazy busy house.

@Seamus thanks for your detailed post. On the dinosaur thing i have noticed that he seems to use it as a social crutch when he is in uncomfortable situations rather than as a playful game, including on the sports pitch. He has had other kids berate him and mock him over it, which upsets him obviously. He also does it to scare his little sister, she is terrified when he starts and I have told him that that is not acceptable. I don’t know if it’s better to let him at it or try to tell him to tone it down, that’s why I’m on here looking for help. I try to facilitate his interest and have bought him every book and toy Dino going, brought him to exhibitions etc. I don’t see his interest as an issue in itself.

I think he sees that all his peers play sport, he is not particularly interested but he just wants to be part of it for social reasons. It seems to be starting to work against him rather than for him though. I also agree that he cannot see the value of practice, but he doesn’t seem interested and I have encouraged but not forced him to practice.

Thanks once again for all the contributions. Just to add I was a bit like him myself and I grew up in a GAA mad family with a vey sporty brother who was good at everything, and actually went on to play at a very high level. I got very little attention or support at home and had a downright miserable childhood so I kind of understand what he is going through. If he was happy in himself I would not be worried but he has low self esteem and I don’t really know where to go from here.

Neyite

If there's no Coderdojo near you, could you start up one?

https://coderdojo.com/start-a-dojo/

You might find that there are a few parents in your locality who would be interested in enrolling their children and would be willing to help out with running one too.

It really seems that he's going for the sport for inclusion rather than a real love of the sports themselves, but having a real interest and passion for something himself and being surrounded by other children with that same interest in the activity is much better than being on the periphery of one that you don't have much skill at.

scarepanda

If he's interested in swimming could you try get him into formal classes? Through school possibly? Most pools do kids classes on a Saturday morning? I think you need to do everything you can to find and then encourage something he's interested in, which youve said twice about swimming.

I think swimming is a great one as not only is it excercise for him now, it's also a life skill that he will be able to fall back on for the rest of his life, it's something he enjoys so you can keep bringing him in your spare time and he can practice without even realising he's practicing it, it's something that you could all do as a family and it's also something he can carry forward as he gets older as a type of excercise where he won't have to rely on a team to do.

LegacyUser

Thanks all, yes he is on the waiting list for lessons at the local pool, he is a decent swimmer as is. The lessons seem to happen after school and it’s very difficult to fit around work, I don’t have the type of job where you can just nip away early and neither does his mother. We go every other week and more in the summer. He also enjoys cycling and climbing trees etc so he gets enough exercise.

I think we will drop the rugby but he seems to still be enthusiastic about soccer so will leave him at it for now. Coach happens to be a family friend and he suggested that he train with the age group below the one he is currently with. Some of his classmates are also in this group, and it may be a bit easier for him. Might try that. It’s good exercise and he can kick and control a ball well in the garden with me, but he seems to just freeze up when playing with his mates, coach reckons it’s purely down to confidence and he has seen it before. He did somehow score a goal one evening and I have never seen him happier.

Thanks to everyone again and I’d welcome more suggestions if anybody has any

evolving_doors

Get him out of the rugby, he doesn't have the hunger to chase a ball and risk injury (this is a rational instinct too btw). By staying, itll further alienate him from his peers, he sees the most poplar kids as being good team players and collecting kudos from each other etc... because of the numbers involved he perceives it to be 'normal. If he keeps on going it'll be detrimental to his confidence, when I was young I kept going but never got picked for the team and spent years on the bench.
Focus on what he's good at ... keep up the swimming, if he does the IASA lessons he can collect badges and work towards being a lifeguard (which can be a handy earner during summer holidays). Hell also learn confidence in assessing crisis/drowning scenarios and first aid training).

Think a bit forward about secondary school. Sometimes you get a different PE teacher who'll change his outlook or restructure teams so tell him not to give up on team sports. Even if it means he'll join a 5 a side soccer team once a week with work colleagues in his 30's!

Maybe a musical instrument! Lessons can be expensive but there's always youtube lessons.

Moonbeam

Has he tried Scouts? it is a great way to make friends,there are alot of different activities and it is both mentally and physically challenging.

Big Bag of Chips

If he's happy going them let him go until he decides he doesn't want to go anymore. Not every child will have any interest in anything sporty. But they can get their "team" events from other areas. I have a son who has no interest in sports. He had zero interest in hurling or soccer. He went to the cubs for a while but wasn't too keen. He found his interest in music and drama. He is now learning 2 instruments, playing in a band and as part of a children's theatre group. The theatre group is where he really came into his own. He was always a bit of a 'loaner', but comes home from this group on a high and talking about all his friends/best friends etc.

Sport isn't for everyone. So long as he is getting a bit of fresh air and exercise in other ways, I wouldn't push it.

happywithlife

If he's happy to stay going keep him at it. Is his club running an Easter camp? It might be a more fun way to engage with the sport. Or Cúl Camp in the summer for gaa
're the dinosaur thing that would concern me slightly- without raising alarm bells and solely as a parent whose friends child went through similar at the same age - they were ultimately diagnosed with aspergers-- the animal sounds were her way of coping with social stresses. She also wouldn't be great with team sports but finds horse riding extremely beneficial- something to do with the gait I think. Something else to look for is does he walk on his tippeytoes? I can't remember now is that my friends child did or couldn't. I think the dinosaur obbession is a common trend too. She was a very kind of grown child when younger if that makes sense but struggled from.about 8 onwards. She has now found the therapies that work for her and has made great progress and seems a lot happier in herself. She's 12 now.
It might be worth having a chat with teacher to see if they notice anything?

LegacyUser

Hi folks and thanks for the replies once again

@moonbeam yes have tried scouts for a full year and he had no interest in going back for a second, saying it was boring

Music and possibly drama might work, I can look at guitar lessons but there is no stage school or anything locally. Nearest one is 40 minutes afaik

@happywithlife yes I think you may be on to something with the Aspergers. I had read about it and suspected he may have it some time ago but his behaviour has escalated lately. I just googled it again and he has at least a half dozen of the common traits, delayed motor development (he has only just mastered riding a bike and he still can’t catch a ball properly, dropping or fumbling it most of the time), obsession with unusual things (dinosaurs is a common one apparently), advanced vocabulary (he definitely has this, people regularly comment on it), difficulty with peers and making friends. There are also times when he gets massively over excited while playing to the point where he can damage things, not in a tantrum or meltdown way, but just that he will get so excited that he loses the run of himself entirely, this would also seem to tie in with Aspergers. I will discuss with his GP and see what he thinks.

In one way I would be happy if I knew it was something like that and we could work towards some sort of treatment or therapy. His behaviour and obvious unhappiness is making me and his mam very worried, me in particular as his mam keeps trying to brush it under the carpet as some some sort of phase that will pass. I am not sure that it will.

Sunny Dayz

Concerned_Dad wrote: »

I think we will drop the rugby but he seems to still be enthusiastic about soccer so will leave him at it for now. Coach happens to be a family friend and he suggested that he train with the age group below the one he is currently with. Some of his classmates are also in this group, and it may be a bit easier for him. Might try that. It’s good exercise and he can kick and control a ball well in the garden with me, but he seems to just freeze up when playing with his mates, coach reckons it’s purely down to confidence and he has seen it before. He did somehow score a goal one evening and I have never seen him happier.

You say he enjoys soccer and can play well when it's just you and him in the garden. Perhaps try and bridge the gap between one on one in the garden and the group training session by having one of his friends over and them playing soccer in the garden. Then maybe two boys over and a bit of soccer. Maybe bring him to training a bit earlier or hang bit a bit later and arrange with a few of the parents that the boys might have a little informal kick about. It might take the bit of pressure off him and get him more used to paying with the group.

Sunny Dayz

My own son wasn't particularly sporty. He did the GAA for a bit but he could take it or leave it. He enjoyed PE in national school, but wasn't fussed about doing it outside of school. We encourage him to go on Easter and summer camps and he enjoyed those. My local GAA club set up a little kids club while us mums did couch to 5k where the kids did relays, stretches, games, jumps, races etc. He enjoyed this, started a bit of running, enjoyed that, it took a while to get him into the athletics club with waiting lists and now he loves it, he's found his sport.


Your son is only 8. Attention spans can still be short enough at that age. Once he enjoys a sport and looks to attend, that's good. If your son is happy to try out a sport but finds that he doesn't like it, well that's ok too, let him know that it's good to try out new things

ironwalk

Concerned_Dad wrote: »

Hi folks and thanks for the replies once again

@moonbeam yes have tried scouts for a full year and he had no interest in going back for a second, saying it was boring

Music and possibly drama might work, I can look at guitar lessons but there is no stage school or anything locally. Nearest one is 40 minutes afaik

@happywithlife yes I think you may be on to something with the Aspergers. I had read about it and suspected he may have it some time ago but his behaviour has escalated lately. I just googled it again and he has at least a half dozen of the common traits, delayed motor development (he has only just mastered riding a bike and he still can’t catch a ball properly, dropping or fumbling it most of the time), obsession with unusual things (dinosaurs is a common one apparently), advanced vocabulary (he definitely has this, people regularly comment on it), difficulty with peers and making friends. There are also times when he gets massively over excited while playing to the point where he can damage things, not in a tantrum or meltdown way, but just that he will get so excited that he loses the run of himself entirely, this would also seem to tie in with Aspergers. I will discuss with his GP and see what he thinks.

In one way I would be happy if I knew it was something like that and we could work towards some sort of treatment or therapy. His behaviour and obvious unhappiness is making me and his mam very worried, me in particular as his mam keeps trying to brush it under the carpet as some some sort of phase that will pass. I am not sure that it will.

Have a chat with the class teacher about your concerns too....if they see something in school (and most good teachers will have an inkling), there's the option of the school NEPS Psychologist having a look at him.

shesty

The only other piece of advice I might suggest is not to try every sport or activity out there with him.I know a lot of people who tried out loads of activities as kids, but never stuck with them (or were never made to stick with a couple) and as adults, have often bemoaned the fact that there was no one activity that they had ever got good at or invested a few years in.

I'm not saying force him to stick with one or two, regardless of how he feels, but I wouldn"t be starting him in too many new ones either just to have him doing something.

micks_address

Interesting thread. Our son did hurling and football at that age up to last year or so. He was never the best but gave 100% in training. He'd regularly be on the sidelines during games and tournaments and never won any plaudits. He wanted to participate though and he got plenty of exercise out of the training. This past year he's joined the soccer club and started to get a slightly stronger physical build and loves it. So I don't know. Was the gaa experience bad for him? Probably not. He gained a lot socially from it and I suppose not being the best at something but persisting is a life lesson to. He's done lots of other activities along the way like guitar lessons, chess club, swimming etc.
I suppose the point I'm getting at is it's teens or later teens before he started to flourish at sports.. Being good at something isn't the only reason to do it.
Cheers,
Mick

Wanderer78

I'm autistic myself (Asperger's and add), I'm not saying your son is, but keeping my attention has always been difficult, particularly as a child, and I wasn't a particularly sporty child. I certainly wouldn't be forcing him into activities he has little or no interest in, but I would recommend trying him in loads of things, even none sporting activities, it's most important he's simply enjoying himself and having fun. Best of luck

Apologies, I've had another quick look through the thread, I was actually trying to be polite earlier, your son is indeed showing signs of asbergers, a clinical psychologist is what you maybe needing, nothing to panic about, I'd recommend going privately as well, will be costly though, mine cost a bargain price of 350. Feel free to ask me anything

LegacyUser

Did loads of reading up about aspergers last night and I am now utterly convinced that that is the issue. It was like reading a profile of my son, lots of little things that I didn’t mention here started to make sense. I ordered a couple of books about it off amazon as well.

Just off the phone with a very well regarded clinical psychologist who is a half hour away, full assessment is €600 minimum, but she thinks his health insurance will cover it. I am going to get the assessment done and take it from there. I will update the thread when I have an outcome.

@wanderer I might contact you via PM in the coming weeks if I have questions or anything thanks for the offer

Thanks a million folks

LegacyUser

Did loads of reading up about aspergers last night and I am now utterly convinced that that is the issue. It was like reading a profile of my son, lots of little things that I didn’t mention here started to make sense. I ordered a couple of books about it off amazon as well.

Just off the phone with a very well regarded clinical psychologist who is a half hour away, full assessment is €600 minimum, but she thinks his health insurance will cover it. I am going to get the assessment done and take it from there. I will update the thread when I have an outcome.

@wanderer I might contact you via PM in the coming weeks if I have questions or anything thanks for the offer

Thanks a million folks

ironwalk

Best of luck with it, OP.

Some insurers do cover some/all of the assessment cost depending on plan. In any case, keep receipt and claim on Med1 at the end of the year.

Tony Atwood is a reliable author that interprets research on ASD for parents.
Middletown Autism Centre in Armagh have loads of resources for parents - and do a great series of courses around the country for parents and teachers.

There's lots of info and support out there, if (IF) you have a diagnosis.

appledrop

I work in education sector + first thing I thought of when I read your post was autism. Now I'm not a psychologist + may not be the case but please get it checked out. It may seem like a lot of money but trust me it will be worth it to find out either way. Did his school ever mention this to you?

If it is the case thankfully there are a lot of supports out there now for children on autism spectrum.

I won't worry about him not liking team sports I hated them myself as a child but loved scouts + dancing so there is something there for everyone. Although it can be harder in rural area when life can revolve around local gaa or other sports.

Sausage dog

Regardless of any diagnosis you may get from an assessment it is important that your son develops basic skills such as co-ordination, throwing & catching, running, jumping, balance, cycling, spatial awareness etc. Often these are developed through participation in sports but often they are not. If he can develop these skills at an early age he will have the opportunity to take up sporting activities later in life.

clint_silver

as a gaa coach several years over the best thing I ever did was take some advanced child workshop courses, really opened my eyes on dealing with kids of all abilities. Id speak to the coach of any sport to see how s/he integrates different kids, the best kid at 8 is RARELY the best at 15-16, and if worst keeps at it, wont be if coach knows what they're at and instils a love of the sport.

They're volunteers though so tough to criticize. Could you get involved yourself?

Ive 2 very sporty kids and 2 not so much, of the 2 not so, athletics seems to work for them once they realized its not about beating the person you're running against, its about bettering your own performance so every run is timed. They seem to realize this way more so than the 2 sporty kids I have so lessons learned there.

eviltwin

Concerned_Dad wrote: »

Did loads of reading up about aspergers last night and I am now utterly convinced that that is the issue. It was like reading a profile of my son, lots of little things that I didn’t mention here started to make sense. I ordered a couple of books about it off amazon as well.

Just off the phone with a very well regarded clinical psychologist who is a half hour away, full assessment is €600 minimum, but she thinks his health insurance will cover it. I am going to get the assessment done and take it from there. I will update the thread when I have an outcome.

@wanderer I might contact you via PM in the coming weeks if I have questions or anything thanks for the offer

Thanks a million folks

Best of luck. I've two with Aspergers, neither has any interest in sport but have other hobbies and are great kids. I wouldn't change them for the world.