Father not bringing child back in time.

annettea

So we have an arrangement every 2nd week he gets to see our daughter which he chosen. He gets her saturday morning between the hours of 10.30 and 11.30 to sunday 7pm. But he doesn't bring the child on time maybe just before 9 or after 9 and the child is hungry so has to be fed and she is on a a high. It also seems she doesnt sleep the saturday as she is overtired.
So now the teacher has come to me twice over it, but today the teacher was cross saying the child is falling asleep in class and is lost.
I have spoken previously to her father about the times and he hasn't done anything about it. I sent a cross message today about it and haven't got a reply.
Im wondering is there any way I can get her back early , ive a funny feeling the teacher is going to report this as it is neglect and I really dont want that to happen and I want what's best for my child .

Gaillimh1976

How well do you get on with the teacher ?

Could you ask him/her to put something in writing that you can show the father - that way it's not you being the bad guy it's the school.

minikin

Suggest a switch to Friday 7pm to Sunday morning? Then she can wind down, be fed properly and get to sleep early on Sunday night.... all set for school on Monday.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you collect her? He collects her from you. You collect her from him.

Owryan

Does he ever give a reason for constantly bringing her back late?

I wouldn't be overly worried about being reported, maybe have a word with the principal, explain what's happening.

Depending on how you and the child's father communicate you need to help him understand the impact bringing her back late is having. Someone suggested changing the times, might that be an option?

annettea

Ill try and change the days but I don't see it happening. The child is in junior infants and she has been telling me for the last couple of months ,.. I have reasons for the reporting because it is neglect. The reason of neglect is child is not getting enough sleep resulting in falling asleep on the monday in school which is obviously very embarrassing for the child, looking lost which I dont know what she meant, sore tummy from not getting proper food for the weekend abd tantrums on the monday because she is so tired. Its also only recent when the father has been taking her for a sleepover becaue we moved further away from eachother. I cant do collection on the sunday as I recently had a baby also I drop child to his mothers and he is never there , I even was late a few times but still wasn't there. I have always tried to be very communicative but I dont think he cares, I wrote to him yesterday and have not recieved a message back. I have already told him to have her back in time. I really don't want to have hassle for him to see his child as its supposed to be a fun experience but he is making it not to be so maybe I could stop sleepovers? I really don't know what I could do to help the situation. I really feel for my child as its not fair and the teacher is looking at me like I need to do something.

punisher5112

Is the arrangement a legal one?

Time for court if not.

If he can't stick to the arrangement then ball is in your court which in all honesty pretty much is as the mother anyway.

If he isn't feeding the child that's not on either.

Does he pay maintenance?

annettea

punisher5112 wrote: »

Is the arrangement a legal one?

Time for court if not.

If he can't stick to the arrangement then ball is in your court which in all honesty pretty much is as the mother anyway.

If he isn't feeding the child that's not on either.

Does he pay maintenance?

Yes he pays maintenance,.. do you know how to start a court case?

Tell me how

punisher5112 wrote:

Does he pay maintenance?

Context of this question given the question by OP?

punisher5112

annettea wrote: »

Yes he pays maintenance,.. do you know how to start a court case?

It will probably cost a fair bit of Money and a solicitor.

Dravokivich

The teacher needs to cool off and understand the position your child is in. There's only so much you can do yourself on this matter.

It's grossly unfair on your daughter and it sounds like either himself or his family are more focused on her enjoying her time with them, instead of treating her like a child needs.

You've written to him and he hasn't responded. Next move is to actually speak with him on it face to face. He can ignore a letter or claim he hasn't seen it. But he can't claim ye never spoke about it.

You don't need a solicitor to go to court on this. If you are near any dedicated family courts they usually provide a free mediation service, if you need someone to keep the discussion focused in a far less imposing setting. Failing that you can submit an application at the courts, for concerns regarding the child's lack of attentitiveness in school being directly impacted by these weekend visits. You'll need to be prepared with correspondence from the school supportign it, along with showing the father had the opportunity to review and engage.

annettea

Dravokivich wrote: »

The teacher needs to cool off and understand the position your child is in. There's only so much you can do yourself on this matter.

It's grossly unfair on your daughter and it sounds like either himself or his family are more focused on her enjoying her time with them, instead of treating her like a child needs.

You've written to him and he hasn't responded. Next move is to actually speak with him on it face to face. He can ignore a letter or claim he hasn't seen it. But he can't claim ye never spoke about it.

You don't need a solicitor to go to court on this. If you are near any dedicated family courts they usually provide a free mediation service, if you need someone to keep the discussion focused in a far less imposing setting. Failing that you can submit an application at the courts, for concerns regarding the child's lack of attentitiveness in school being directly impacted by these weekend visits. You'll need to be prepared with correspondence from the school supportign it, along with showing the father had the opportunity to review and engage.

Thank you so much for your advice. I don't think the teacher has a problem with writing a letter. I sent an email so I have proof it was sent. He would always be in his email so it has been seen. I feel the teacher is only looking out for the child and id be scared this could damage the child making friends.

Big Bag of Chips

Change the arrangement that instead of you dropping her to him, and him dropping her home that he collects her from you and you collect her from him. You're still doing the same driving. If you arrange to collect her at 6:30/7 in Sunday evening then that should suit her and the new baby.

Explain to the teacher what's going on. Let her report HIM for neglect. To be honest, what is happening really is on the lower level of children who are neglected, but he might get contact from a social worker who might put a bit of a shake under him.

He's hardly likely to change, so you'll have to change something or else continue as you are. There's very little point in talking about what he should be doing. He's not doing it. So you have to work with the assumption that he's not going to.

Chocolate fiend

Are you sure there is nothing else going on? One late night every two weeks or so should not make a child THAT tired. Could she have something else happening? anxiety? or problems with her ears or throat or anything like that? Does the teacher say she is totally okay the other 9 days?

mitresize5

If you are that worried about it then go and collect the child on a Sunday evening at the assigned time. Its one round trip once every two weeks. If you really think the child is being neglected then that is not too much to ask.

the_syco

annettea wrote: »

So now the teacher has come to me twice over it, but today the teacher was cross saying the child is falling asleep in class and is lost.

Have you asked the teacher if this is every second Monday, or every Monday?

Markcheese

Try be diplomatic, as in don't just let dad carry on, but think of ways to word the message that aren't confrontational, (or as little as possible), e-mail or messaging gives you that chance, plus proof it was read/seen,
Ask him to make sure the child has had dinner, and is home 20 / 30 mins before bedtime... For X, Y, Z reasons, discuss (by message or whatever) the little girl falling asleep on Mondays,
If necessary tell the teacher to understand / cool down a bit (its junior infants after all), a chat with the school principle may be worth while too...

annettea

Thanks everyone for your advice. I will collect the child. I go into a bit of a panic sometimes and can't think clearly.

annettea

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

Are you sure there is nothing else going on? One late night every two weeks or so should not make a child THAT tired. Could she have something else happening? anxiety? or problems with her ears or throat or anything like that? Does the teacher say she is totally okay the other 9 days?

I think its more the Saturday night,that she doesnt sleep and being back late the Sunday so.she has 2 nights to catch up on.

Big Bag of Chips

If you're going to collect her on Sunday make sure he collects her from you on Saturday. You'll also have an idea of what time he is actually appearing to see her.

annettea

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you're going to collect her on Sunday make sure he collects her from you on Saturday. You'll also have an idea of what time he is actually appearing to see her.

I'd have to do both because he doesn't come down till the evening or late afternoon.. I'm just hanging around for the day than.

Big Bag of Chips

Well them change the time. Tell him to collect her at 3. Sounds like he's not all that interested anyway. You drop your daughter for his access and he's not there? If he says he wants to collect her at 11am. Be ready at 11am. If he's not there by 11:30 and you have something to do, go do it. If he shows up, late and rings you wondering where you are, tell him you waited until 11:30 and had to go out. Tell him where you are and that he can come collect her.

It really doesn't have to be difficult.

He won't show up on time, ever. But you don't have to be at his mercy.

Owryan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well them change the time. Tell him to collect her at 3. Sounds like he's not all that interested anyway. You drop your daughter for his access and he's not there? If he says he wants to collect her at 11am. Be ready at 11am. If he's not there by 11:30 and you have something to do, go do it. If he shows up, late and rings you wondering where you are, tell him you waited until 11:30 and had to go out. Tell him where you are and that he can come collect her.

It really doesn't have to be difficult.

He won't show up on time, ever. But you don't have to be at his mercy.

This is good advice, as a father, it seems to me he has you playing to his tune.

He seems to be able to turn up late to collect the child and then returns the child late and is getting away with it. If his timekeeping is that disruptive you need to bite the bullet and tackle him over it.

You have my sympathies, fathers like this boil my blood cause they just perpetrate the idea that all fathers are like this.

Steviesol

Give him one last chance, and if he still brings her back late. Refuse further access and get on with your life. Let him make an application to court.

ELM327

Steviesol wrote: »

Give him one last chance, and if he still brings her back late. Refuse further access and get on with your life. Let him make an application to court.

Withdrawing access and punishing the child and father is not the way to go here. Boils my blood mothers using the child as a weapon.

The constructive method here, of her collecting the child, is the best way forward. You can go to court, but the police will laugh at you if you call them when the father is 1 hour late with the child. So that doesnt help and all it will do is cause animosity.

Big Bag of Chips

ELM327 wrote: »

You can go to court, but the police will laugh at you if you call them when the father is 1 hour late with the child. So that doesnt help and all it will do is cause animosity.

Not true. If access is court ordered at a specific time, the access order can be brought to a garda station (by either party) and stamped that the other parent did not show up/did not make the child available. Enough stamps on the access order would be proof needed in court to have the access varied if appropriate.

The custodial parent (usually the mother) has to make the child available for access. The other parent doesn't necessarily have to take it up. But having everything documented protects yourself if it does go to court where it's one person's word against another's. Judges tend to prefer documented proof over he said/she said.

If it's an informal agreement you have OP and you'd prefer to stay away from court or solicitors then do as advised above. Get him to collect the child. Agree a time and place give him 20-30 mins. If he's not there off you go. Sometimes people will get delayed. Not every time though. And if he can't make a morning collection, change it to afternoon. It's only twice a month. He really should be able to manage it. But you need to stop dancing to his tune, because you then are guilty of allowing this to continue.

Steviesol

ELM327 wrote: »

Withdrawing access and punishing the child and father is not the way to go here. Boils my blood mothers using the child as a weapon.

The constructive method here, of her collecting the child, is the best way forward. You can go to court, but the police will laugh at you if you call them when the father is 1 hour late with the child. So that doesnt help and all it will do is cause animosity.

Ah okay, but it is okay for the father to use the child as a weapon against the mother , which clearly he is here. Not answering texts, not sticking to agreements. Dress it up any way you like but that is coercive control.

ELM327

Steviesol wrote: »

Ah okay, but it is okay for the father to use the child as a weapon against the mother , which clearly he is here. Not answering texts, not sticking to agreements. Dress it up any way you like but that is coercive control.

Point to where I said that?
No? That's right I didnt. Don't put words in my mouth.

corks finest

annettea wrote: »

So we have an arrangement every 2nd week he gets to see our daughter which he chosen. He gets her saturday morning between the hours of 10.30 and 11.30 to sunday 7pm. But he doesn't bring the child on time maybe just before 9 or after 9 and the child is hungry so has to be fed and she is on a a high. It also seems she doesnt sleep the saturday as she is overtired.
So now the teacher has come to me twice over it, but today the teacher was cross saying the child is falling asleep in class and is lost.
I have spoken previously to her father about the times and he hasn't done anything about it. I sent a cross message today about it and haven't got a reply.
Im wondering is there any way I can get her back early , ive a funny feeling the teacher is going to report this as it is neglect and I really dont want that to happen and I want what's best for my child .

FFS lady give him a break,was in similar circumstances years ago,guy just loved his kid,wants to hold on as long as possible, speak, communication is the answer,I got joint custody,but in fact have my boy 5 days @ week,due to school,sports etc,so even though we don't particularly like each other,both her and I try to put our child first,,

Big Bag of Chips

corks finest, I think you're being kind! The father isn't there when the child is dropped off (at a time he has specified) and only has the child 2 days a month (by his own request). It doesn't sound like someone who wants to see their child for as long as possible. There are loads of great dads out there who would move heaven and earth to be with their children. Unfortunately there are also dads out there who see spending time with their kids as their "duty" that needs to be done a couple of times a month.

The arrangement should be changed to him collecting her for access, and the mam collecting her to bring her home. If he wants to maximise his time he will show up on time, every time. And he might even organise more access. Dropping a junior infant child home, hungry at 9pm or later on a Sunday night is not fair on the child. Regardless of how much time he wants to spend with her.

corks finest

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

corks finest, I think you're being kind! The father isn't there when the child is dropped off (at a time he has specified) and only has the child 2 days a month (by his own request). It doesn't sound like someone who wants to see their child for as long as possible. There are loads of great dads out there who would move heaven and earth to be with their children. Unfortunately there are also dads out there who see spending time with their kids as their "duty" that needs to be done a couple of times a month.

The arrangement should be changed to him collecting her for access, and the mam collecting her to bring her home. If he wants to maximise his time he will show up on time, every time. And he might even organise more access. Dropping a junior infant child home, hungry at 9pm or later on a Sunday night is not fair on the child. Regardless of how much time he wants to spend with her.

Mea culpa,didn't see the part ref 2 days at his request,changes everything,reacted from my own old perspective, sorry,2 days a month?not good for anyone

annettea

Thank you again guys , I'll be doing the collecting this week , hopefully it'll work out.

annettea

corks finest wrote: »

Mea culpa,didn't see the part ref 2 days at his request,changes everything,reacted from my own old perspective, sorry,2 days a month?not good for anyone

Your a great dad, easy to see why you said the above. I just can't have an over tired hungry little person coming back to me which ive said a few times to him but circumstances never changed so was just wondering what to do to change this without "nagging" I suppose.
Even after 3 years our relationship ended im still scared to stick up for myself and I suppose my child as well with him,..