Long term boyfriend, other girls, boundaries.

Miaow_grl

Hi all, I don't want to go into too many details here but I'm wondering what your views on this are.

I'm in a long-term relationship. My bf is talking to other girls online now as we have been going through a rough patch (last time I brought it up a few years back, he said it was talking to girls/online girl friends due to boredom at night). Unfortunately I saw some of the messages (then) and he was referring to me in the past tense (someone he once was seeing) and I'm pretty sure he was coming off as single. I don't know the depth of these chats, but I don't trust how innocent it could be. I feel like it could be some form of cheating. He's not happy in general, and nothing I do seems to bring him any joy anymore.

We've had a rough patch recently and I see this is happening again, and he is becoming more and more detached from me. I suspect its because he prefers talking to other online girls now.
I don't know what to do- I can't accuse him because I don't know, and if I ask about it, he'll shut down and block me off. Last time I told him that I'm not stupid and I know what happens on these types of chats, he denied anything like it- but I don't trust it, because he seems to detest talking to me.

How would you feel about it? I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm being paranoid or reasonable. It's really screwing with my head. The detached and distanced stance hurts a lot too

charlietheminxx

Why are you with someone who would show you such a lack of respect? Doesn’t sound like a rough patch, it sounds over. Call it quits, move on and leave him with his sad little online flirtations. You deserve better than this!

nikkibikki

If you feel it's cheating, then that's what it is. Tell him you view it as cheating. If he doesn't, then you both have a fairly fundamental difference. Neither of you would be wrong in your views but it's up to you what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It isn't up to him what is acceptable to you.

Talk it out because it sounds like things are at a critical stage in your relationship and talking will be the only way it will survive. You could both bury your heads in the sand for 5 more years or whatever but by the sounds of it, you are miserable already.

He surely has some redeeming qualities which you love so it may be worth salvaging but you need to TALK.

You obviously don't trust him either which is worrying.

Ursus Horribilis

If this was your friend writing all of the above, what would you be saying?

It's easy for me to say this from behind a keyboard and screen but a lot of what you're describing here is dealbreaker territory. A person in a committed relationship has no business going onto dating sites and chatting to women. It doesn't matter whether you're going through a rough patch or not. He should be trying to resolve the difficulties you're having, not seeking out other women. In some ways it doesn't matter whether he's actually up to more than you think he is. The intent is there.

From what you've described here, it looks like your relationship is on the rocks. Apart from the chatting to other women, he's not happy and you don't seem to be able to connect to him any more. I wonder are you getting too distracted by the chatting online to women part? it's easy to blame that because it's it what the core problem in your relationship is. That the two of you aren't getting on well any more and he possibly has left the relationship in his head.

Do you have children? A mortgage?

Miaow_grl

nikkibikki wrote: »

If you feel it's cheating, then that's what it is. Tell him you view it as cheating. If he doesn't, then you both have a fairly fundamental difference. Neither of you would be wrong in your views but it's up to you what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It isn't up to him what is acceptable to you.

Talk it out because it sounds like things are at a critical stage in your relationship and talking will be the only way it will survive. You could both bury your heads in the sand for 5 more years or whatever but by the sounds of it, you are miserable already.

He surely has some redeeming qualities which you love so it may be worth salvaging but you need to TALK.

You obviously don't trust him either which is worrying.

Unfortunately he's not interested in talking about things anymore, because the way he sees it, I haven't changed myself and talking is futile. He doesn't really see a fault in himself, which is a problem

Miaow_grl

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If this was your friend writing all of the above, what would you be saying?

It's easy for me to say this from behind a keyboard and screen but a lot of what you're describing here is dealbreaker territory. A person in a committed relationship has no business going onto dating sites and chatting to women. It doesn't matter whether you're going through a rough patch or not. He should be trying to resolve the difficulties you're having, not seeking out other women. In some ways it doesn't matter whether he's actually up to more than you think he is. The intent is there.

From what you've described here, it looks like your relationship is on the rocks. Apart from the chatting to other women, he's not happy and you don't seem to be able to connect to him any more. I wonder are you getting too distracted by the chatting online to women part? it's easy to blame that because it's it what the core problem in your relationship is. That the two of you aren't getting on well any more and he possibly has left the relationship in his head.

Do you have children? A mortgage?

The relationship is definitely falling apart because we both have issues, but he expects me to change mine and that everything will be better- without him addressing his. This, him reaching to online girls, is a direct response to me being conflictual (by talking about things). I know I'm not perfect and I bring issues to the relationship, but he's so distant, its hard for me to find a reason to trust..
So in short, yeah, I'm being distracted by the online girls thing. It's a direct response to the fact that we're having problems again. The worst part is, I can't bring it up again or I'm pretty sure he'll end it then and there, while I'd like the relationship to work out...
except I don't know how I hope for that if I don't trust him or his intent.

pickarooney

You don't trust him
He doesn't respect you

Is there ANY point in delaying the inevitable here?

Ursus Horribilis

It looks like you feel the relationship's over but you're afraid to bring the whole thing down around your ears.

Miaow_grl

pickarooney wrote: »

You don't trust him
He doesn't respect you

Is there ANY point in delaying the inevitable here?

Guess I'm forever hopeful. Idiotic

Miaow_grl

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It looks like you feel the relationship's over but you're afraid to bring the whole thing down around your ears.

Yeah, that sounds about right. But given my history of mh issues and distrust/insecurity, I find it hard to trust my judgment. Because maybe I'm making something out of nothing.
Ugh
thank you for replying, I've got some serious thinking to do.

Sephiroth_dude

You sound really unhappy and you're not getting anything out of this relationship anymore, I echo what the other have said and would end things, let him off with his online girls then.

Miaow_grl

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

You sound really unhappy and you're not getting anything out of this relationship anymore, I echo what the other have said and would end things, let him off with his online girls then.

I'm miserable these days actually. I guess the problem is than when things are good, they're good. But maybe I want this to work more than he does. He doesn't seem to be as devastated when we're fighting, whereas I spend the entire day or week heartbroken and unable to function. Ick.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you and him are on very different pages. It's obvious that you want to save the relationship and are willing to do anything to put things right. But you've got to admit that there is nothing in his current behaviour to suggest that he's of a similar mind. If anything he has turned away from you and your relationship. Instead of trying to resolve your problems and getting things back on track, he's chatting to these women online. Hopefully, he hasn't physically cheated on you but he appears to be open to that. He's putting all the blame on you, he's not being very nice to you, he's not communicating. Is there anything here to save? Honestly?

wiggle16

OP the relationship isn't even over yet and he's looking elsewhere.

You can be sure he's not telling these girls he's with someone when he's flirting with them, because he knows how pathetic and nasty that is - otherwise no one would be talking to him. The question "is this cheating" comes up time and again on PI, but it's an unnecessary question. Whether or not you think it is cheating (and in my opinion it is), flirting with people online while in a relationship is not acceptable and it's a massive betrayal. He knows it's not okay, OP, he doesn't care.

Why stay with this overgrown child? He's clearly only interested in you when things are good and just how he likes them - now that you've hit a bad patch he's looking elsewhere again. It's quite clear that he doesn't care about you the way you care about him; you've hit what you're calling a rough patch and now he's bored, so he's looking for stimulation elsewhere until you become interesting again. Why try to stay with someone who refers to you in the past tense? Why try to stay with someone who would treat you like this?

He should be the one to be talked about in the past tense. Dump this moron and find someone who will treat you with some decency and respect. Seriously.

Sephiroth_dude

Miaow_grl wrote: »

whereas I spend the entire day or week heartbroken and unable to function. Ick.

That's no way to live your life.

pickarooney

Miaow_grl wrote: »

Guess I'm forever hopeful. Idiotic

Keep the hope, but direct it somewhere more plausible.

WIZWEB

OP I'd similar stuff going on a while back in my then 'relationship'. I literally bent over backwards for a time trying to resolve things. Then one day it clicked. I wasn't the problem but he was and he'd no intention of changing. So I left. Took a while but I'm so much happier now. What's being done on you is a huge disrespect. Further multiplied by his awareness that you know about it. His ego is craving attention elsewhere. The fact that he talks about you in the past tense leads me to believe that he's engaged in more than online liaisons. He's destroyed your personal boundaries and is etching away at your self-worth.

Imagine how you will be treated in five years time and what you'll be expected to deal with then. In fact imagine being sooner discarded for one of these conquests. Then there's STD's etc. He doesn't respect you now so it's impossible for him to ever love you again. Your tolerance for his inappropriate behaviours has given him a green light to continue and escalate them. That's his character flaw not an assessment of you. Get yourself some counselling to rebuild your self-esteem and get yourself out of this toxic 'relationship'.

redfox123

I've been there. Sorry OP but your relationship is beyond over. You just don't want to hear or say those words. Change is the hardest thing, it's unnatural in a way because we get so attached and can't see things for what they are, and can't detach from what we want it to be, but will never be.
Even if he wasn't chatting to women, which he is, he has no redeeming features which makes him relationship material, he won't even talk to you. So therefore it's not going to work. He just doesn't want to be the one to make the call (he first has to see what exactly is out there for him so he has someone lined up), but be sure he is waiting patiently for you to do or say the most innocuous thing, and then turn it into a reason to end it. Like you bringing up an issue to resolve. It's what some people unfortunately do when they want out. So you have to be strong and end it yourself, because he no longer is doing anything to make you happy or the relationship work, and yes it has to take two ,not just you.