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I love my girlfriend and would do anything for her but feel I'm not mature enough

  • 02-03-2018 9:53pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    bit of a tough one here.

    im in my mid twenties, girlfriend and I have been together 3 years
    and we're planning on buying a house in the near future.

    we have a deposit saved but still need to be on higher salaries so
    it will be a while before we buy.

    problem is I need to become more reliable. I am not always good at
    handling crises, like when a car breaks down, it sounds like someone
    is breaking into the house or some utility in the house breaks, and
    a lot of the time my girlfriend knows more about these things than I
    do because she's had more experience living alone. I lived alone but
    it was in a college dorm so I didn't need to do anything other than
    clean, cook and do laundry.

    we have good days and bad days, and in the past I have been
    defensive as I suffer from insecurity, anxiety and general emotional
    weakness, but I have tried to listen to her more when we disagree
    (which isn't every day, but I digress).

    I feel so bad, I love my girlfriend so much and I would do anything
    for her and I'd always have the best intentions to look after her.

    I am wondering is there any way I can know I'm progressing and have
    all the DIY skills sorted I need before I own my own house? I also
    want to reassure my girlfriend but I'm not sure how because a lot of
    crises adults need to deal with are unpredictable so I can't rely on
    spending a weekend with her at her family's second home to count on
    these things to happen and practice what I learned in a Youtube
    tutorial.

    any suggestions on preparing to be a man?


Comments

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    I'm really confused by your post - I live alone and own my own house, and I'm a woman, I usually handle everything by googling, waiting to see if it goes away, or calling in the experts. There's no course or training for it.
    Its not about being a man, but it seems to bother you that a woman might know more about these things than you.
    But why? Is she making you feel bad for not knowing, or are you making yourself feel bad? Because don't, we only learn these things by having them happen and then we know the next time.

    I think you're focusing on the 'learning DIY' aspect when maybe you might be diverting from another issue - is it how you respond when these things happen? How do you handle them?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,854 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    op you need to relax, if all you ever do is cut the grass and clear the drains occasionally youre half way there. I remember doing a diy couse once and my conclusion was leave it to the experts.

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I'm 40 and I'm still trying to figure it out. I do what I can do, for everything else there is usually a professional who I can pay to do it. By all means use this time to learn the skills you think you might need but don't use your lack of skills as an excuse not to move in together.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Have you posted about this before? Some of this sounds very familiar, down to the immaturity issues and having this girlfriend you'd do anything for. It's saddening to see you lash yourself in the way you have done here. Has a medical professional ever diagnosed you with anxiety etc? or have you self-diagnosed? It's a little concerning that you're going around describing yourself in such negative ways. Perhaps a visit to your GP wouldn't go astray.

    In answer to your general question, most of us don't try to fix problems in our homes. I live on my own now and while being solely responsible for the house's maintenance was daunting at the start, it's fine now. I simply asked neighbours, colleagues or friends for recomendations any time something cropped up. While there are people out there who are good at knowing how to fix cars, appliances etc. the vast majority of us don't know our arses from our elbows. Google has been my saviour more than once.

    Anyway, why are you putting such pressure on yourself? You are what you are so there's no point in trying to pretend you're an electrical whiz if you're not. I'm sure your girlfriend loves you as you are.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    OP, we’ve come a long way from men being responsible for the DIY and women doing the cooking. My husband knows feck all about DIY, I know more than him and anything we don’t know, we google or ask my dad. We are generally 50/50 on cooking. I’d actually crack up if he expected us to conform to the traditional men and women roles of running a house.

    Most women don’t need a man to “take care of them”. Play to your strengths and anything ye don’t know ... figure it out together.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,093 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Op
    You wobt always be able to repair everything. Thats what tradesmen are for. Qualified and experienced, they're the ones to get when stuff is beyond diy.


    Google basic things when they happen and see what you can do. Finding out that youre very capable will build confidence.

    Im sure your oh doesnt love you because of your diy skills.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,219 ✭✭✭The_Honeybadger


    OP I’m nearly 40 and I don’t really do DIY either, it’s not a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll do the basics like cut the grass, do a bit of painting etc,. I am not lazy I just understand that I’m not good at that sort of thing, and even if I was I have no real interest in it. If there is something wrong with the car it goes to the mechanic, if I want to put up shelves or curtains and not have them fall down after a week I ask a handyman. At least I know the job will be done properly by somebody who has the right tools. My inlaws family would all be very handy around the house and sometimes they poke fun about it, I laugh it off, I genuinely couldn’t care less what they think. I have other skills that more than make up for it, as I am sure you do too. Nobody can be good at everything.

    I also do a lot of the cooking and housework. As someone said above, the days of the fella outside doing ‘mans work’ and the wife inside with an apron are thankfully becoming a thing of the past. My advice is do not worry about it, if there are simple jobs that need doing, google it and you’ll figure it out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thank you all for the replies. In response to everyone who has asked
    me to explain further:
    Silverfish wrote: »
    I'm really confused by your post - I live alone and own my own house, and I'm a woman, I usually handle everything by googling, waiting to see if it goes away, or calling in the experts. There's no course or training for it.
    Its not about being a man, but it seems to bother you that a woman might know more about these things than you.
    But why? Is she making you feel bad for not knowing, or are you making yourself feel bad? Because don't, we only learn these things by having them happen and then we know the next time.

    I think you're focusing on the 'learning DIY' aspect when maybe you might be diverting from another issue - is it how you respond when these things happen? How do you handle them?

    it might be my insecurity, but I can say that I am hard on myself
    for not knowing enough about fending for yourself and your own home
    as my girlfriend because I feel responsible as a man, I rate myself
    in terms of what other men can do. Like my younger brother is good
    at fixing cars while I'm not, that makes me feel like I'm not making
    enough progress even though I should be telling myself everyone has
    their own strengths.

    I am going to look out for some books on 'learning DIY', maybe an
    encyclopedia with diagrams. In the past I would get extremely
    nervous and look terrified if there was issues with the cooker,
    pipes or other utility. Nowadays I have changed and instead I
    pause for a moment to think, Google or Youtube what to do and then
    I'm able to sort it although it could take a whole afternoon. I
    think a book would be useful to have in case myself and my
    girlfriend's internet ever cuts out.
    silverharp wrote: »
    op you need to relax, if all you ever do is cut the grass and clear the drains occasionally youre half way there. I remember doing a diy couse once and my conclusion was leave it to the experts.

    I can cut the grass and clear drains if I take a moment to remember
    how I did it in the past.
    eviltwin wrote: »
    I'm 40 and I'm still trying to figure it out. I do what I can do, for everything else there is usually a professional who I can pay to do it. By all means use this time to learn the skills you think you might need but don't use your lack of skills as an excuse not to move in together.

    I'm not using it as an excuse. We are on track to having a deposit
    ready and will gladly buy a house when we start earning a bit more
    money and is within our price range.
    Have you posted about this before? Some of this sounds very familiar, down to the immaturity issues and having this girlfriend you'd do anything for. It's saddening to see you lash yourself in the way you have done here. Has a medical professional ever diagnosed you with anxiety etc? or have you self-diagnosed? It's a little concerning that you're going around describing yourself in such negative ways. Perhaps a visit to your GP wouldn't go astray.

    In answer to your general question, most of us don't try to fix problems in our homes. I live on my own now and while being solely responsible for the house's maintenance was daunting at the start, it's fine now. I simply asked neighbours, colleagues or friends for recomendations any time something cropped up. While there are people out there who are good at knowing how to fix cars, appliances etc. the vast majority of us don't know our arses from our elbows. Google has been my saviour more than once.

    Anyway, why are you putting such pressure on yourself? You are what you are so there's no point in trying to pretend you're an electrical whiz if you're not. I'm sure your girlfriend loves you as you are.

    I don't recall posting about this before, but I may have as I can be
    somewhat forgetful when I'm stressed. I've been diagnosed with
    Asperger Syndrome, and all my closest friends and family know I have
    it.

    I understand why people would ask neighbours, colleagues and friends
    for help but I put myself under a lot of pressure to do most of it
    for my girlfriend because I dread the idea of having to pause at
    the moment and looking up what to do or asking someone as I feel
    responsible and that she should be able to rely on me.

    I'm putting pressure on myself because I can't convince myself its
    not a big deal I'm not the best with housing appliances. My
    girlfriend does love me for who I am, but I wish I could do more.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 523 ✭✭✭WIZWEB


    OP DIY is a process. Basically practice makes perfect. I normally avoid it like the plague but living alone it's either me or paying a fortune for it. Google as suggested earlier and also there are great videos on YouTube and books that will help. I've built and taken apart motorcycles (long before the Internet!), did house electrics etc.

    We're in modern times so if your gf enjoys a bit of DIY her being better than you isn't an issue unless it's made one. If I was to follow stereotypes I'd be limp wristed and enjoy drag shows.

    Regarding your anxiety well you'll probably know that anxiety breathes anxiety. If you can take a step back from your emotions and view this logically life may become easier. Like DIY look at the issues logically. Start with small fixes working through to bigger repairs. By comparing your current skills or lack therof to another you're adding to your woes. Your gf might always be better at you at DIY but I'm sure you're better at other things.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭mazwell


    My husband is an electrician and fairly handy with most things to do with diy. Our boiler broke three days ago and he only rang a plumber today when he finally accepted the oil wasn't going to work. Now granted we have a back boiler so we weren't cold but I asked him the day after the boiler broke to get someone in to fix it and it took him another two to admit defeat.
    The point I'm making is even tradesman have to call other specialist tradesmen and pay for their expertise.
    You're not less of a man for not knowing how to do something. You're more of a man for realising if you want something done right for you and your girlfriend and you won't do it right, there are people who can. Makes for an easier happier and safer life.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 Miaow_grl


    I think what's most important here is that you love her and would do anything for her. You don't need to know how to fix everything in a new potential house- You'll figure things out as you go along. I'm not sure this is about maturity, rather, skill. Talk to her about it. I'm sure she'll put your anxieties at ease given that she knows you want her and to be the best you can be for her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    We have good days and bad days, and in the past I have been defensive as I suffer from insecurity, anxiety and general emotional weakness, but I have tried to listen to her more when we disagree (which isn't every day, but I digress)

    This is something that could turn into a big problem if you're not getting help for it. Because really, this isn't a problem about someone who doesn't know how to start a troublesome car or to restart the heating if it goes on the blink. It's about an anxious young man with low self-esteem who's not good at handling everyday crises. It's the sort of thing which has the potential to derail his relationship if he doesn't get it sorted.


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