Friend is aggressive when drunk

LegacyUser

Hoping for some advice.

My group of friends and I are both in our early 20s. One girl out of the group is normally a lovely person but it's like she turns into a demon when she gets too much drink into her. A couple of nights ago 4 of us went out. She seemed fine at the bar and then all of a sudden she completely flipped and demanded that she go home.

One of my friend's was talking to this lad. My drunk friend marched over and they were laughing and chatting. Suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere she turned on him, started calling him an assholes, said "f*** you" and punched him. We were all completely in shock and she shoved various people out of her way in a bid to get outside.

She's a strong girl and she tried to push all 3 of us away from her as we went after her. The friend whose guy friend got punched turned to me and said she was staying. The other girl wanted to stay too. I was concerned about our drunk friend so I chased after her as I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to her and I did nothing.

She ended up going into a kebab shop and despite me trying to calm her down and pleading with her to get a taxi home with me, she refused. She stsrted yelling abuse at the servers and couldn't open the door to get out and started cursing so we ended up getting chucked out. She fell half way down the street and kept trying to push me out the way/tell me to p!ss off and muttering gibberish.

A taxi came up and I ended up having to haul her across the street, push her in and apologise to the driver as she kept telling him to "f*** off" and saying she didn't want to get in. We got back home and she refused to get out. A random gril rushed over trying to help but my friend yelled at her to get away, saying she didn't know her and cursed at her. I managed to get her into the house where I held her hair back as she got sick and got her into the bed and put her into the recovery position just in case.

My other friends arrived home half an hour later and we were discussing how shocked we were. She's been aggressive when drunk before but never violent.

We were all talking about this morning and she was incredibly embarrassed and said she knows she shouldn't drunk as she's been told she turns psychotic. Anyways, one of my friends made joke this evening about her being strong (she pushed us all out of the way in the nightclub) and my friend flipped. She stared at all of us and said "I hope ye never get in that state and I joke about it." She then stormed out and isn't speaking to any of us.

I don't know why but am I right to be a little peeved. I could very well have left her and I was the only one that ran after her and made a huge effort to get her home and stop her being abusive to randomers. I understand she didn't want to hear about it but none of us meant any offence. We were quite serious at first and asked her why she got so violent but then we thought we would show her she didn't need to be embarraed and starting joking.

I would never have left her on her own. Should we apologise to her for joking about the situation or what is the bet approach to take? Thanks in advance!

Tokyo

This isn't a one-off - this is an ongoing cycle of physical abuse each time this person gets drunk. I'm not convinced that you should continue to spend time with this person in social situations TBH - she sounds like she needs more help than you might be able to provide.

Big Bag of Chips

She's embarrassed. And rightly so. The biggest problem I would see here is that she knows she can't handle drink, yet she continues to drink. I know you felt a bit responsible for her, and in your shoes I would probably have done the same... Once. If it happened again and she behaved like that and stormed off, I'd be inclined to let her go. You are not her keeper. She manages to go out and get home nights that you are not around. By you minding her and bringing her home etc you are protecting her from herself.

I'd drop it now. Don't say anymore about it. But I wouldn't be too quick to go out with her again, and if you do, don't go running after her. If she falls, hurts herself, whatever, it might be the hard lesson she needs to learn.

leggo

Your friend sounds miserable with herself. I've come across girls like her on nights out (though fortunately never came across their right hooks) so I wasn't surprised she lashed out at the fella. She was probably jealous he was chatting to your friend, or if she sensed he wasn't interested it brought a lot of emotions bubbling up. So if you want to tackle it, that'd probably be the angle I'd tackle it from if you want to make a difference.

That is, of course, if you even want to get involved. You'd also be perfectly within your rights to take a step back and say this isn't your problem if your friend refuses to address it herself.

I wouldn't apologise for joking tbh. I'd have a high tolerance for slagging admittedly, but for me it's the least you can expect from friends for unacceptable behaviour like this. Ultimately it's your penance if you get messy drunk and ruin everyone's night, the flip side is your friends just say eff you. I think apologising would set a bad precedent and kinda mark you as a bit of a pushover. She should be apologising to you ultimately, not the other way around.

Big Bag of Chips

Actually, absolutely agree regarding you apologising. I missed that bit in my post. If you apologise it would only be to keep the peace and placate her. You wouldn't really mean it. And you would be apologising whilst biting your tongue about her carry on and her treatment of you after you cut your night short to babysit an ungrateful friend.

So no, do not apologise. Let her stew and let her realise that her friends aren't going to tip toe around her and make excuses for her inability to control her drinking.

If you want to say anything to her it should be that you are very annoyed with how she behaved that might and afterwards. How abusive she was towards you and how ungrateful she was afterwards. She may hit back with "well nobody asked you to yadda yadda.." and that can be your perfect cue to tell her you'll remember that and won't help in future.

Honestly, she's probably not an alcoholic, but you are still "enabling" her behaviour. And by apologising you will just be enforcing to her that it's not her fault.

I have a low tolerance for drunken eejits. So I'd be of the "eff her" camp.

ManOfMystery

Don't apologise. Some people just turn nasty with drink, and they really shouldn't drink at all if they can't control themselves. I've been in situations in a bar where an ex-workmate got very nasty and mouthed off a lot at me - and others - for no good reason, and it completely puts you off a person no matter how nice they are when sober.

Your friend is out of order and taking the hump with you now is probably more a sign of her embarrassment than that the fact you've done anything wrong (you haven't). 

Most people can have a drink and enjoy themselves, others will get aggressive/silly, others will take it to an extreme and end up glassing someone or similar. I just hope your friend doesn't find out the hard way that she falls into the last category - time to nip it in the bud now.

December2012

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So no, do not apologise. Let her stew and let her realise that her friends aren't going to tip toe around her and make excuses for her inability to control her drinking.

If you want to say anything to her it should be that you are very annoyed with how she behaved that might and afterwards. How abusive she was towards you and how ungrateful she was afterwards. She may hit back with "well nobody asked you to yadda yadda.." and that can be your perfect cue to tell her you'll remember that and won't help in future.

I agree with everything BBOC said but particularly the bit in bold. Do not help her again. Do not facilitate her. Do not go out drinking with her again.

homerjay2005

i know its now easy, but i would be cutting her out of my life pretty sharpely unless she shows a willingness to engage and sort out her issues.

theres underlying issues there, for sure and its not just alcohol. speak to her, tell her you will support her and help her but if she doesnt, she will leave you no choice but to cut contact.

I Am_Not_Ice

I have precisely zero time for people who make a show of themselves by getting blind drunk and causing ructions, friend or not. If it were me and it happened again, I'd cut her loose and chalk it up to experience.

Mr. Incognito

Certain drinks dont agree with certain people

Brandy makes me violent and whiskey makes me hyper.

I dont drink spirits any more.

She is going to have to re-examine her relationship with alcohol

fineso.mom

No way would I apologise OP. She should be apologising to you for all she put you through that night. You must have been mortified every time she was aggro with people. And yet you still made sure she got home OK. She should also apologise to the young man she punched.
She should also be thanking you for keeping her a) safe, and b) out of trouble with the guards. If you hadn't been there she could have been arrested as I'd imagine people could see you were trying to keep her under control. She punched someone, abused staff in a take away and abused a taxi man ....who does she think she is!?

LegacyUser

Update: so my friend ended up apologising to us. She said she didn't mean to snap at us, she was just annoyed because she felt like it was constantly being brought up and thrown in her face the whole day. One of our other friends told a girl who we met while we were out (she would be friends with the girl who got drunk) what happened, which annoyed my friend. She said we were all meant to be friends and she would never embarrass us like that. I insisted it was all meant to be a joke and to just forget about it.

She apologised to me for ruining the night and for me having to bring her home and she told me that I shouldn't have to deal with that, which I appreciated.

Regarding the punch, she has a boyfriend so if she were jealous it'd surprise me. Having said that, her and boyfriend are having problems at the minute and she said she missing the flirting and banter with lads and nights out. She's a very outgoing girl and she's also a good looking girl so whenever we are out she will always be chatting to some lad and she said she misses that. No idea if there's a link though. The mad she punched was shocked himself.

I must add I didn't see the punch as I had gone to the bar. My two friends told me and one of them who was very good friends with the guy said she hit him so hard that it could actually be heard if you were standing next to them.

Like I said, when she has roo much to drink on a night out she's always aggro but I've never ever seen her or heard of her getting violent. Even us, her friends, she was pushing out of the way and she told us she has bruises on her arms from us trying to hold her back that night.

It's actually genuinely kind of scary because she got this look in her eye and none of us could recognise her any more. It's not our friend, she changed personalities completely and it was just pure aggression.

I would never ever think badly of her because of it because I know it's not her, it's the alcohol. But the thing is if she starts wanting to drink loads on a night out how are we supposed to stop her? She knows herself she isn't suited to loads of alcohol. It's difficult to know what to do because I'm just afraid of what will happen if she gets like that again and one of us isn't around to help her.

Big Bag of Chips

You feel sorry for her? Because it wasn't "her" it was "the drink"... She drank the drink. She went out and got pissed knowing that she turns into a very unpleasant person. She acted the tit and people talked about her. Has she never commented on anyone who has made a show of themselves?! And this BS of you're supposed to be her friends.. she's supposed to be YOUR friend too. Yet she didn't seem too bothered about embarrassing you all and acting like an absolute gobshyte on your night out, in front of others.

And after all that, and all the advice people gave you you still say you feel sorry for her, and you're worried about her if she goes out and none of you are there to look after her? Why should your night out be spent babysitting a grown woman? How is that enjoyable for you? Is that your idea of a good laugh night out with your friends? She is responsible for herself, and the longer you follow her around minding her the longer she will carry on like this. Stop going out with her. Stop inviting her out with you. Stop drinking with her. She has no control, and it's not up to you to control it for her.

wiggle16

Hi OP

Have to agree with the others who say that you should stop going out with this friend - it's distressing for you, you are not getting anything out of it, and she could get you into trouble too. What if she had hit someone in the kebab shop, a row or fight broke out and you had to intervene? It doesn't sound like she'd be rushing to say it was all her fault and not yours if one or both of you ended up being arrested.

Remove the drink from the equation, and imagine she behaved like this while sober - you wouldn't set foot outside the door with her. So why tolerate it because she blames it on a chemical she is happy to ingest?
It's not your duty as a friend, nor should it be, to regulate her behaviour. You have told her and she is aware of what she's like when she drinks, but she doesn't care, because she keeps doing it - that's so selfish, and you are being very considerate of her when she is not doing you the same and considering the effect it has on you.

The other side of it is this: the only two ways she is going to realise that she should not drink is, either she gets arrested, hurts herself or someone else, or is targeted by someone while she's in that state; or she realises that her behaviour while drunk is alienating her from her friends, which it is. She's already aware of how she behaves while drunk and that she's unable to regulate her behaviour, but isn't willing to stop drinking - and is blaming it on the alcohol, when it's not the alcohol, it's her. And she's not willing to stop drinking because, so far, there have been no consequences, apart from a little bit of embarrassment, which she promptly blamed on you and your friends. You are a good friend, but you are not doing her any favours by continuing to socialise with and mind her.

When she asks why you don't want to go out with her, tell her exactly why. She can get as offended as she wants, but you did nothing wrong, and it's the only way she will get the point, short of ending up in a cell or hospital or worse. I don't think she's an alcoholic, but I've had friends like this, and they rarely get the point and stop drinking - maybe she will, but until she does she really, really, really does not sound like she's worth the trouble, no matter how nice she is while sober.

And no, I hope you didn't apologise. She hit someone, roared abuse at people, caused grief for people going about their jobs (taximan and shop staff) gave you abuse, and you protected her, brought her home, paid her fare, held her when she got sick and put her in the recovery position and then saw to yourself. On what planet do you owe her an apology?

kylith

Op, when she apologised for her actions did you take the opportunity to tell her that the way she acted was unacceptable and that you expect her to not act like that again?

Seriously, if she can’t handle the drink she needs to give it up.

splinter65

While I don’t agree with a lot of what’s said about this generation of young people (entitled, snowflakes etc), you can see a bit of evidence here in the sentence “ I feel sorry for her, it’s not her, it’s the drink”.
Rubbish. The “drink” didn’t hitcthat poor guy, your friend did.
That drink didn’t pour itself down her throat, she is responsible for that.
Did she seek out the guy she attacked and apologise? Did any of you guys suggest that she should?
Firstly your making a joke of her behavior when there’s ZERO to laugh at ( if the table were turned and some drunken oaf had punched her you would have all been down in the Garda station in the morning making a statement) and then your comforting her because she’s “embarrassed”.
Years ago she would have been dropped by the gang Ike a hot potato because people like her basically stop you from having a good night, but it seems that doesn’t happen anymore so people only learn a lesson when they have either been arrested, attacked in retaliation and badly hurt (you do know that she will annoy the wrong person and get a nasty smack sooner or later).
A girl was in court last week for nearly taking another girls eye out with a stiletto heel when she was mad drunk.
Organize a night out and don’t invite her.
Let her draw her own conclusions.

jk23

She needs to recognise that she can’t drink so much that she loses control, tell her you are genuinely concerned about her. Everyone makes mistakes. However tell her that her behaviour created a dangerous situation for her AND all of the people she was with/in contact with.

Ask her to prove or show she is serious about changing her behaviour in some way. If not then tell her you will have to evaluate your friendship.

jk23

splinter65 wrote: »

While I don’t agree with a lot of what’s said about this generation of young people (entitled, snowflakes etc), you can see a bit of evidence here in the sentence “ I feel sorry for her, it’s not her, it’s the drink”.
Rubbish. The “drink” didn’t hitcthat poor guy, your friend did.
That drink didn’t pour itself down her throat, she is responsible for that.
Did she seek out the guy she attacked and apologise? Did any of you guys suggest that she should?
Firstly your making a joke of her behavior when there’s ZERO to laugh at ( if the table were turned and some drunken oaf had punched her you would have all been down in the Garda station in the morning making a statement) and then your comforting her because she’s “embarrassed”.
Years ago she would have been dropped by the gang Ike a hot potato because people like her basically stop you from having a good night, but it seems that doesn’t happen anymore so people only learn a lesson when they have either been arrested, attacked in retaliation and badly hurt (you do know that she will annoy the wrong person and get a nasty smack sooner or later).
A girl was in court last week for nearly taking another girls eye out with a stiletto heel when she was mad drunk.
Organize a night out and don’t invite her.
Let her draw her own conclusions.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying but if it’s a once off then I think she shouldn’t be just cut off.

She should have to prove she can handle or seek help to sort out any underlying issues causing this agression with drink.

.......

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it. I should add that even without drink, she is a feisty person and also very sensitive. She told me before that she thinks her boyfriend is half afraid of her and then she rephrased it. She said he would never ever dare to tell her to shut up during an argument as he knows that she would flip. One time they had a massive argument as they were apparently walking down the street. Her boyfriend said she was talking quite loudly and said "God you're so loud." My friend absolutely went mad at this and it resulted in a huge argument where she accused him of being embarrassed of her.

Another time I'll never forget is when a couple of us (along with her and her boyfriend) went out for a drink. A lad she worked with came over and as the night progressed and she got progressively more drunk, the work friend started coming onto her in front of her boyfriend. I then tried to calm the situation down and suggested we go home. I got terrible vibes off the work friend and sensed he was a creep. My friend flat out refused to come with her boyfriend and me. Instead she opted to walk off with her work friend all over her and yelling abuse at her boyfriend for taking issue with this!

I hailed a taxi and the work friend got in too. I ended up back at my friends house and I tried to shut the door on the work friend as he was sloshed too. My friend yelled at me for doing this and let him in. The situation eventually calmed with the 3 of us going up to her room and the work mate staying downstairs for about half an hour later. My friend didn't remember a thing the next day and rang me full of apologies. She said the work friend keep texting her while he was downstairs asking her to come down and sleep with him and just generally sending her incredibly crass texts.

Another time it was just me and her on a night out (the first time I went drinking with her) and a random car pulled up as we were walking home. She was absolutely hammered and I pulled her out of the car which was full of drunken lads. She laughed about it the next day and couldn't see the seriousness of the situation when I tried to tell her how it was a good thing I did manage to pull her out of the car.

She's told me before her mother has warned her not drink as she turns into a complete psychopath and she consistently says she shouldn't drink but as soon as we are in a social setting and she has more than one or two drinks, it's like this demon is unleashed.

meathstevie

Plain and simple; exclude her from your social circle. Drink can't bring out what isn't in her character anyway. If I was that lad she clocked a dig she would have received a nice big openhanded shove getting her away from me. If I would have been the taxi driver I wouldn't have budged until she was out of my car. The only ones who dealt with her correctly were the folks in the kebab shop who didn't entertain her stupidity.

splinter65

meathstevie wrote: »

Plain and simple; exclude her from your social circle. Drink can't bring out what isn't in her character anyway. If I was that lad she clocked a dig she would have received a nice big openhanded shove getting her away from me. If I would have been the taxi driver I wouldn't have budged until she was out of my car. The only ones who dealt with her correctly were the folks in the kebab shop who didn't entertain her stupidity.

If you’d have shoved her I can garauntee you’d have been arrested.

meathstevie

splinter65 wrote: »

If you’d have shoved her I can garauntee you’d have been arrested.

Arrested maybe....convicted for pushing an aggressor away from you...never

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what's the purpose of your latest post? It's a complete list

Another time....

Another time....

Another time....

She sounds like a deeply unpleasant person. Her boyfriend is an idiot for putting up with it, and you as friends are idiots for putting up with it. It sounds like every night you go out with her that involves drink revolves around her. You all know this, and yet you continually put yourselves in the situation to become her minders.

You posted asking for advice. Are you going to heed any of it? Or are you just going to keep posting "another time"..

She is a problem drinker. Her drinking causes problems to her and those around her. You can't fix that. You can't solve her problems. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your night out because of her. This is her fault. It is her actions that cause all of this. She is not your responsibility. But the longer you make her your responsibility the longer she will carry on. I know you wouldn't like to see anyone hurt, but sometimes by acting the protector all your doing is allowing them to continue. Take your protection away and come what may.

If anything happens her it will be down to her - and maybe it'll make her cop on, maybe it'll turn her worse, but either way it's not your responsibility.

splinter65

ConcernedFriend wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it. I should add that even without drink, she is a feisty person and also very sensitive. She told me before that she thinks her boyfriend is half afraid of her and then she rephrased it. She said he would never ever dare to tell her to shut up during an argument as he knows that she would flip. One time they had a massive argument as they were apparently walking down the street. Her boyfriend said she was talking quite loudly and said "God you're so loud." My friend absolutely went mad at this and it resulted in a huge argument where she accused him of being embarrassed of her.

Another time I'll never forget is when a couple of us (along with her and her boyfriend) went out for a drink. A lad she worked with came over and as the night progressed and she got progressively more drunk, the work friend started coming onto her in front of her boyfriend. I then tried to calm the situation down and suggested we go home. I got terrible vibes off the work friend and sensed he was a creep. My friend flat out refused to come with her boyfriend and me. Instead she opted to walk off with her work friend all over her and yelling abuse at her boyfriend for taking issue with this!

I hailed a taxi and the work friend got in too. I ended up back at my friends house and I tried to shut the door on the work friend as he was sloshed too. My friend yelled at me for doing this and let him in. The situation eventually calmed with the 3 of us going up to her room and the work mate staying downstairs for about half an hour later. My friend didn't remember a thing the next day and rang me full of apologies. She said the work friend keep texting her while he was downstairs asking her to come down and sleep with him and just generally sending her incredibly crass texts.

Another time it was just me and her on a night out (the first time I went drinking with her) and a random car pulled up as we were walking home. She was absolutely hammered and I pulled her out of the car which was full of drunken lads. She laughed about it the next day and couldn't see the seriousness of the situation when I tried to tell her how it was a good thing I did manage to pull her out of the car.

She's told me before her mother has warned her not drink as she turns into a complete psychopath and she consistently says she shouldn't drink but as soon as we are in a social setting and she has more than one or two drinks, it's like this demon is unleashed.

Ah I see now. You want this girl to be in your group for some reason despite her :
1. being obnoxious and
2. having no redeeming features and
3. ruining your nights out when she’s on the drink, and, when she’s sober,
1. Apologizing but having a tantrum if it’s discussed
2. Doing the very same over and over....

What kind of advice or help were you looking for?

leggo

OP the simple reality is that this person has communicated to you loud and clear that she's going to continue to act this way while she can get away with it without any consequences. If her friends started going out without her, or if her boyfriend dumped her, she might look at her actions and start to address them. Even then, there's every chance she'll just find new friends and a new boyfriend who'll permit it. Leave her to it, if that's the case, at least then you can enjoy your nights out without this childish drama.

If you want to know you've done everything you can, sit her down and tell her that you're at the end of your wits with her on nights out and are going to have to look at whether you want to go out with her in future if she doesn't cop herself on. If you're scared she'll get angry or aggressive when she hears this (and if that's the case doesn't that tell you something in itself), doing it over text might be best since she can't walk away or hang up. Her most likely response is to get her back up and ignore you for a while in an effort to manipulate you into feeling guilty and complying. You've been told this now, ahead of time, and been told that your feelings are fair. So if it goes down like that, you can know that her actions are total BS and you don't need to feel guilty.

You don't owe her your friendship, time and social life. She needs to learn that if she behaves that way, it will have serious consequences. Propping her up and continuing to be her friend after these repeated incidents is helping nobody here and just wasting everyone's time.

I think you need to ask yourself why you see yourself as her rescuer. Do you enjoy the drama somewhat, or enjoy discussing it in detail afterwards?

Hey behaviour is not okay and you are a key enabler of it.

Time to extricate yourself from this toxic "friendship".

Katgurl

Look your friend can't handle her drink and she hasn't realised it yet.

You and your mates should sit down and talk to her. Tell her you're not going to mind her on nights out anymore and that her behaviour is completely unreasonable.

Imo she should take a month of alcohol entirely go 'reset' then reintroduce alcohol slowly if she doesn't want to cut it out; drink bottles of beer, a glass of water for every bottle, no spirits, no wine.

If she won't agree to address her issues then say bye bye. You are not her babysitter.

LynnGrace

mike_ie wrote: »

This isn't a one-off - this is an ongoing cycle of physical abuse each time this person gets drunk. I'm not convinced that you should continue to spend time with this person in social situations TBH - she sounds like she needs more help than you might be able to provide.

The first reply on the thread sums things up really. Please think long and hard about what posters have said. She has issues with drink, to say the very least. This isn't what friendship is about, it really isn't. Back away, fast, very fast.

December2012

in case its not clear, she is not your problem to fix. If you are worried that you are not being a good friend if you ditch her, forget that thought right now. You can be a good friend by refusing to engage with her when she's in that behaviour.

Go out without her. If she asks why, tell her its because her behaviour is disgraceful and embarrassing, and at the very least, not appropriate for a fun night out, ie no fun for you.

Right now she is functioning. Thats on her. It is all on her. I don't care if she had the shyttyest childhood, parents, job, etc., etc., This behaviour of hers now is not appropriate, and not on, and from your latest post, she seems attracted to other people who will make her feel that this is normal.

It is not normal.

You don\t have to please her. You don't have to take care of her. Just ditch her when she behaves like this.

And hang out with people who will not put you in that situation, because she is not a real friend.