What fresh hell is this?!

mad muffin

I had an inguinal hernia op yesterday home in the evening. Today from midway I could not shît. Takes the usual… prune juice. Senokote.


Finally relief comes at midnight. Only brief relief.

Now I’ve been on the toilet on and off for the last two hours with the shîts… what fresh hell is this?!

harry Bailey esq

mad muffin wrote: »

I had an inguinal hernia op yesterday home in the evening. Today from midway I could not shît. Takes the usual… prune juice. Senokote.


Finally relief comes at midnight. Only brief relief.

Now I’ve been on the toilet on and off for the last two hours with the shîts… what fresh hell is this?!

You didn't have a swift of Bulmers pear in between by any chance?

jonon9

Ten pints of Guinness you be grand in the morning.

degsie

A mouthful of Bisto will do it. Browns, seasons and thickens....

James Bond Junior

Had a umbilical hernia myself a few years ago. They pump you up with gas in order to freely operate, don't deflate you properly and you're left with excruciating wind pains for days that are outside your bowels so you can't pass them. Keep walking, that helps. You'll be OK after a fortnight.

mad muffin

James Bond Junior wrote: »

Had a umbilical hernia myself a few years ago. They pump you up with gas in order to freely operate, don't deflate you properly and you're left with excruciating wind pains for days that are outside your bowels so you can't pass them. Keep walking, that helps. You'll be OK after a fortnight.

Ha ha. Yeah. My stomach was like a damned basketball.

Still on the throne. Hopefully last go so I can go sleep…

mad muffin

Nope. Not done with me yet… still popping out shît farts.

Trigger Happy

Avoid laughing in public for the next week or so.

McMurphy

mad muffin wrote: »

I had an inguinal hernia op yesterday home in the evening. Today from midway I could not sh Takes the usual… prune juice. Senokote.


Finally relief comes at midnight. Only brief relief.

Now I’ve been on the toilet on and off for the last two hours with the sh… what fresh hell is this?!

Congratulations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raniSkRLa14

Allinall

Pretend you’re a mathematician and work it out with a pencil.

Fr_Dougal

mad muffin wrote: »

Nope. Not done with me yet… still popping out shfarts.

Do the squat and hover, Thai style. Your anesthetic has you all bunged up. Drink lots of coffee too, and water.

mad muffin

Fr_Dougal wrote: »

Do the squat and hover, Thai style. Your anesthetic has you all bunged up. Drink lots of coffee too, and water.

Ha ha! I did that too. Almost felt like I was giving birth but it worked.

Now I’m the other way. I’m literally creating my own shît creek.

Hector Bellend

I presume that a quick **** is out of the question.

Stick a cucumber up your arse to let the gas out.

JohnnyFlash

I've started taking this powder recently called Complete Greens. You mix it with water, and it's meant to have 5 portions of green vegetables in it - brocolli, kale etc. Foul stuff, but it's giving me a great glow, and a fúcking boner you could hang your washing on.

The worst thing about it is that once you start to feel some pressure on the badge, you've about 3 minutes tops to get yourself perched on the shítter. The shíte itself is about a foot long once you open the bomb doors. Sometimes you have to take the brush to it to allow it to flush. What's good though is that very little paper work is required afterwards to return the area to a pristine state.

Vladimir Poontang

Flutter, is that you?

branie2

A bowl of Bran Flakes could help

JohnnyFlash

branie2 wrote: »

A bowl of Bran Flakes could help

Oh, I've no problem with fibre in the diet. You could set your fúcking watch to my bowel movements these days. The green powder and a few slices of proper brown bread have me goose-stepping into the cubicles at 10.30 every morning. Always try and make sure there's no colleague in any of the other cubicles, as the movement itself sounds like I'm throwing a box of old shoes out of an attic. The fent isn't great either.

Are Am Eye

fresh hell.

Ajsoprano

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Oh, I've no problem with fibre in the diet. You could set your fúcking watch to my bowel movements these days. The green powder and a few slices of proper brown bread have me goose-stepping into the cubicles at 10.30 every morning. Always try and make sure there's no colleague in any of the other cubicles, as the movement itself sounds like I'm throwing a box of old shoes out of an attic. The fent isn't great either.

I’ve been trying to read this post out to the missus the last 20 minutes but kept breaking out laughing every time I got to the shoes out the attic line. You should write a book of short stories.

Doctors room ghost

Ajsoprano wrote: »

I’ve been trying to read this post out to the missus the last 20 minutes but kept breaking out laughing every time I got to the shoes out the attic line. You should write a book of short stories.

Them 2 posts are the funniest sh1t I’ve read in years nearly coughed up a lung laughing. The goose step ha

Ajsoprano

Doctors room ghost wrote: »

Them 2 posts are the funniest sh1t I’ve read in years nearly coughed up a lung laughing. The goose step ha

Very little paperwork is required afterwards

mad muffin

I’m usually poop three times by 10am. Thankfully after this morning I’ve been dry. Hopefully will be back to the use soon.

JohnnyFlash

mad muffin wrote: »

I’m usually poop three times by 10am. Thankfully after this morning I’ve been dry. Hopefully will be back to the use soon.

3 times by 10am? You ok? The last one must be pure liquid? Leavin' 'gunshot spatter' on the back wall of the Armie.

Brendan Bendar

The old reliable porridge, a quick walk, and you'll fire like a holt of otters off a river bank.

mad m

Hernia....pfff pussy. Had kidney stones. Morning procedure last Wednesday ,home by 3pm, on floor by 4pm crying my eyes out asking my wife to take pain away ( actually can’t remember that) as I was on oxynom morphine tabs.

Passed blood for 4day , Have a stent in and every time I pi$$ it’s agony.. because of those bloody tablets I’m blocked up like the M50 on a Monday rainy morning.

Stent out this Monday thank god, they don’t knock you out to remove it, yes it’s live. Some junior doctor will be putting a camera down my japs eye to pull out stent!!!

I want an award by jaysus.......:)

JohnnyFlash

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

The old reliable porridge, a quick walk, and you'll fire like a holt of otters off a river bank.

Hope you've never got 'caught short' while out walking. Good few years ago now, but me and the family were out in Dollymount strand for a walk in the dunes there near the Royal Dublin golf club. Lovely crisp Sunday morning. Headed over one of the dunes, and were confronted with the sight of an auld fella with his slacks around his ankles, squatting, and unloading a foul looking 'King Kong's thumb'. We turned around fairly rapid, but the damage was done. One of my young lads asked me 'what is that man making a poo for'? How do you explain that to a kid who hasn't even made their communion yet? :mad:

evolving_doors

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I've started taking this powder recently called Complete Greens. You mix it with water, and it's meant to have 5 portions of green vegetables in it - brocolli, kale etc. Foul stuff, but it's giving me a great glow, and a fúcking boner you could hang your washing on.

The worst thing about it is that once you start to feel some pressure on the badge, you've about 3 minutes tops to get yourself perched on the shítter. The shíte itself is about a foot long once you open the bomb doors. Sometimes you have to take the brush to it to allow it to flush. What's good though is that very little paper work is required afterwards to return the area to a pristine state.

Hmmm did you plagarise that from Noam Chomsky? :pac:

Ficheall

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

How do you explain that to a kid who hasn't even made their communion yet? :mad:

Communion or not, they should probably still understand the principles of defecation by now...

JohnnyFlash

Ficheall wrote: »

Communion or not, they should probably still understand the principles of defecation by now...

Of course they understand the principals of taking a dump. Potty training and all that. I'm not sure an 8 and 10 year old were able to understand the sight of some overweight auld lad in a pair of mustard coloured slacks squatting in a sand dune loafing out the 'demons of dinnertime past', while they were out for a walk before lunch.

fussyonion

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Oh, I've no problem with fibre in the diet. You could set your fúcking watch to my bowel movements these days. The green powder and a few slices of proper brown bread have me goose-stepping into the cubicles at 10.30 every morning. Always try and make sure there's no colleague in any of the other cubicles, as the movement itself sounds like I'm throwing a box of old shoes out of an attic. The fent isn't great either.

Johnny I would really love you to ghost-write the book I always wanted to write. You have the most beautiful way with words. Marry me.

fussyonion

Ajsoprano wrote: »

I’ve been trying to read this post out to the missus the last 20 minutes but kept breaking out laughing every time I got to the shoes out the attic line. You should write a book of short stories.

Same here. I LOVE when I find genuinely funny posts online cos I get such a good laugh reading them out to the other half.

Doctors room ghost

If johnnyflash writes a book I’ll definitely buy it.prob pre order.think we should have one of them fundme things set up and he can be the pen and paper and we be the bank
Hell hes definitely up there with the great pig head.
King Kong’s thumb.ha

Fann Linn

Ajsoprano wrote: »

I’ve been trying to read this post out to the missus the last 20 minutes but kept breaking out laughing every time I got to the shoes out the attic line. You should write a book of short stories.

Same here. Now the wife has just found out that they sell this 'Complete ****' on Amazon.

YFlyer

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Of course they understand the principals of taking a dump. Potty training and all that. I'm not sure an 8 and 10 year old were able to understand the sight of some overweight auld lad in a pair of mustard coloured slacks squatting in a sand dune loafing out the 'demons of dinnertime past', while they were out for a walk before lunch.

Johnny you should go into the archives and read up on Flutt

JohnnyFlash

YFlyer wrote: »

Johnny you should go into the archives and read up on Flutt

Never heard of the guy. What’s the username?

Hector Bellend

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I've started taking this powder recently called Complete Greens. You mix it with water, and it's meant to have 5 portions of green vegetables in it - brocolli, kale etc. Foul stuff, but it's giving me a great glow, and a fúcking boner you could hang your washing on.

The worst thing about it is that once you start to feel some pressure on the badge, you've about 3 minutes tops to get yourself perched on the shítter. The shíte itself is about a foot long once you open the bomb doors. Sometimes you have to take the brush to it to allow it to flush. What's good though is that very little paper work is required afterwards to return the area to a pristine state.

Awesome.

Huge horn you say?

JohnnyFlash

Hector Bellend wrote: »

Awesome.

Huge horn you say?

Massive horn, Hector. Formidable even. You could use it to beat hippies out of a commune.

Dakota Dan

mad muffin wrote: »

I had an inguinal hernia op yesterday home in the evening. Today from midway I could not shît. Takes the usual… prune juice. Senokote.


Finally relief comes at midnight. Only brief relief.

Now I’ve been on the toilet on and off for the last two hours with the shîts… what fresh hell is this?!

Fresh hell, where in the name of Jaysus did you come up with that?

Poor Uncle Tom

mad muffin wrote: »

I had an inguinal hernia op yesterday home in the evening. Today from midway I could not shît. Takes the usual… prune juice. Senokote.


Finally relief comes at midnight. Only brief relief.

Now I’ve been on the toilet on and off for the last two hours with the shîts… what fresh hell is this?!

Chew a mouthfull of spring grass, works wonders for the sooks, you'll sh*t over a four bar gate and through the eye of a needle after it.

Zaph

Dakota Dan wrote: »

Fresh hell, where in the name of Jaysus did you come up with that?

Apparently it's what Dorothy Parker said whenever her phone or doorbell rang.