Paying for dinner etiquette

Hammer89

Right, so I'm after inviting about 12 people out for a meal for my grandad's anniversary next month and I'm a bit worried that they're expecting me to pay for the whole thing.

I was thinking we split the bill 12 ways, but one man texted back, 'You must be rolling in it!' after I told him how many people were attending.

I sent back the laughing emoji because I wasn't sure what else to say, but this is anything but a laughing matter.

Surely most of them are expecting a 12-way split, rather than me, a man in his late 20s and okay-ish job, to pay for the whole f*cking thing? I've never organised one of these before so I'm not really sure how they go. I've attended them often enough, and I realise there's always some very generous person who sneaks off and pays it while everybody is still on desert.

Tell me I don't have to be that guy.

Gwynplaine

You invite, you pay.

Hammer89

Supermacs it is so.

9or10

"I was thinking we'd all take GranPa out for his birthday"

or

"Come to dinner at .. on ... for GranPa's birthday"

Either these things are worded for what we exactly intend or

have deep pockets / flexible friend

Malari

Depends on how you phrased the invite! If you want people to pay you need to make it quite clear.

I arranged a small party for a family member recently and made it sound like having food was optional (bar/restaurant) and that people could show up 'from' 7pm. About 12-15 people had food, but I still ended up footing the bill. I knew it was a possibility, but no-one was offering to pay, so I figured I organised it so I should.

donegaLroad

Who are the people you invited OP? That could make the difference

Katgurl

What did your original text say?

If you can't afford to cover them you're gonna have to let them know in advance they are expected to pay. Does the restaurant have a set or early bird menu? If so you could send a message saying "hi, just confirming numbers for Saturday as I need to let the restaurant know. If you are coming for food it is two courses for whatever. If not please feel free to join for a drink at X pub. Please let me know."

You might get a few cancellations but better than sitting through dinner dreading the bill.

If it's a case you can manage it but don't want to then I think you should dig into your pockets and at least offer to foot the bill. You will probably get shouted down anyway.

As for expecting some generous person to go and sort the whole thing out sorry but if you organised then absolutely no way should you be relying on or expecting that to happen.

andekwarhola

Is it really the expected etiquette to pay for everyone?

If somebody invited me to a restaurant for something like that, I wouldn't dream of assuming that I was getting my meal paid for?

godtabh

Malari wrote: »

Depends on how you phrased the invite! If you want people to pay you need to make it quite clear.

I arranged a small party for a family member recently and made it sound like having food was optional (bar/restaurant) and that people could show up 'from' 7pm. About 12-15 people had food, but I still ended up footing the bill. I knew it was a possibility, but no-one was offering to pay, so I figured I organised it so I should.

More fool you

donegaLroad

Other option is to cancel and say something has come up and you wont be around, maybe some other day etc.

Malari

godtabh wrote: »

More fool you

I was very happy to do it.

One eyed Jack

Hammer89 wrote: »

I've attended them often enough, and I realise there's always some very generous person who sneaks off and pays it while everybody is still on desert.

Tell me I don't have to be that guy.

You have to be that guy H :pac:

Yeah if you're gonna invite people, you have to work off the assumption that you'll be paying for whatever the people you invite have to eat or drink. I do hope though whoever you invited that messaged you back saying you must be loaded was only joking. Seems a bit crass without context. I presume you know these people well or you wouldn't have invited them to your Grandad's anniversary? Are we talking relatives here?

You could be looking at the guts of €300 (€25 a head) or thereabouts for dinner for 12 in a bring your own bottle establishment (personally never liked them types of places myself tbh).

Ghekko

Katgurl wrote: »

What did your original text say?

If you can't afford to cover them you're gonna have to let them know in advance they are expected to pay. Does the restaurant have a set or early bird menu? If so you could send a message saying "hi, just confirming numbers for Saturday as I need to let the restaurant know. If you are coming for food it is two courses for whatever. If not please feel free to join for a drink at X pub. Please let me know."
.

Good idea to send a message like the above. I assume it's all close family if it's for an anniversary so shouldn't be too awkward to clarify things at this stage rather than having any awkwardness on the evening.

CelticRambler

Hammer89 wrote: »

Right, so I'm after inviting about 12 people out for a meal for my grandad's anniversary next month ....

... and I realise there's always some very generous person who sneaks off and pays it while everybody is still on desert.

Tell me I don't have to be that guy.

Unless you clarify things between now and then, yep - you're that guy. :eek:

In my experience, for small family events - up to about 15 - the one who organises/invites foots the bill for food; drinks are usualy pay-as-you-order. For a bigger gathering, the food bill would usually be split a few of the main organisers (siblings, for example) but not necessarily in equal measure, especially if you've got one brother bringing a wife and six children, and the anorexic spinster sister doing all the work and none of the eating.

In the first case, meals are usually whatever's on the menu, so the end price can vary depending on how many sirloin steaks get ordered; in the second, you'd usually arrange a fixed-price menu with the restaurant/hotel, the same as for a wedding or university dinner-dance (do they still do those? )

corner of hells

I've a mate who can organise a couple of stripper's and provide a couple of Eastern European heavies , they'll easily get the cash off the crowd plus if you record the various stripper's and your relatives blackmail becomes an option.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

If your suggestion of a meal was worded like the OP, then you invited them and the expectation would be that you are paying.

Ken.

Expect the guy who texted you to turn up either way and order the lobster steak with caviar on the side.

beertons

If you hear back from no one after a few days, cancel the dinner. You can resend texts, next year for the anniversary and suggest that a dinner together might be nice, and everyone pays their own way.

Nice idea, you just got caught out with a few missing words.

AllForIt

The guy who text you back with the 'you must be rolling in comment' could have been having a laugh. I suggest to find a restaurant that can do a set menu, get a price, and text everyone back that the set menu is for eg 30 euro a head and ask them to let you know if that's okay.

Try to make it look like your not craping yourself over it like you are here.

Spanish Eyes

Just grow a pair and text everyone to say that all guests will be paying separately.

Otherwise you will have to pay for everything. If they agree or disagree, well you know their real intentions here.

And get drinks bill separate from the meal too if you can.

These mad multiple get togethers can bring out the total STINGE in people. So I think you have to either state the rules, or cancel and regroup.

It is a nice thing you did, but you did not lay down the ground rules either, did you!

Hammer89

Malari wrote: »

I was very happy to do it.

You can come to this one if you want.

Hammer89

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

It is a nice thing you did, but you did not lay down the ground rules either, did you!

Hey, I'm young and haven't led one of these things before, but I'll know for next time.

That said, I'm not going to learn the hard way. I'm not paying for their meal, as much as I'd like to. They can go and sh*te.

Hammer89

Katgurl wrote: »

As for expecting some generous person to go and sort the whole thing out sorry but if you organised then absolutely no way should you be relying on or expecting that to happen.

I didn't say I expect that to happen. I'd be mortified if it did on this occasion.

endacl

andekwarhola wrote: »

Is it really the expected etiquette to pay for everyone?

If somebody invited me to a restaurant for something like that, I wouldn't dream of assuming that I was getting my meal paid for?

You know, I kinda would, but I'd always pay anyway. Maybe it's a weird protocol, localised to the people I know?

Spanish Eyes

Hammer89 wrote: »

Hey, I'm young and haven't led one of these things before, but I'll know for next time.

That said, I'm not going to learn the hard way. I'm not paying for their meal, as much as I'd like to. They can go and sh*te.

Dead right there.

A follow up email/text to say something like, "Hi folks, is the 20th at X restaurant at Y time OK for you? Here is the menu, it will cost you no more than Z euros. Looking forward to seeing you"

Or something like that so you are off the hook.

If they don't reply or start narking I would cancel it and re arrange with a PROPER notice, not an invitation!

I still think you are very good to think of arranging this. But get your ducks in a row NOW.

freshpopcorn

If you texted your friends to meet up for a bit to eat and a catch up I'd expect them to pay but if you invite somebody to a party/event I'd generally expect the food to be provided because they'd generally bring something.(Well that's how it is in my family and others I know)

Malari

Hammer89 wrote: »

You can come to this one if you want.

Hah, only for people I know and love, I'm afraid!

appledrop

If your going to a restaurant for Grandads birthday then everyone should have the cop on to pay. Different if it was a christening/communion etc which the family is hosting. But obviously everyone mat not be as clued in so you might have to let them know.

Dial Hard

It really depends on how you worded the initial message. There's a difference between organising a group night out and inviting people to dinner, imo.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

If I’m inviting I’m paying. If I’m invited I’m assuming I’m not paying. If it’s a “hey let’s go out for dinner some weekend instead of going drinking” then I’m assuming we pay for ourselves or “hey was thinking we should all get together this weekend, early bird is 30 a head, anyone interested?” Then I’d expect to pay for myself

MiliMe

My OHs parent's often invite the family out for dinner and will almost always pay which im a bit uncomfortable with. If my family are out, we split the bill...

Sending out a message saying it's not in you, as mentioned already, is def the way to go imo.

Hammer89

Dial Hard wrote: »

It really depends on how you worded the initial message. There's a difference between organising a group night out and inviting people to dinner, imo.

Well that's the thing. I've looked back on the messages and they come across as more of 'There's a dinner planned for the 16th and it'll be great if you could make it' rather than 'I'm inviting you to dinner'.

I instigated it alright but I'm not sure that comes across in all the messages. Plus, one man has since asked me if he could ask somebody else, so either he's rude AF or he intends on paying for themselves.

Malari

Hammer89 wrote: »

Well that's the thing. I've looked back on the messages and they come across as more of 'There's a dinner planned for the 16th and it'll be great if you could make it' rather than 'I'm inviting you to dinner'.

I instigated it alright but I'm not sure that comes across in all the messages. Plus, one man has since asked me if he could ask somebody else, so either he's rude AF or he intends on paying for herself.

Hmm, with that wording, it does sound like an invitation, I would think! Depending on how far ahead it is, you may still be able to send a follow up message with some clarity.

For me, with my group of friends and relatives, I'd think that was a paid-for meal. At the same time, most people will be ok with you clarifying. They may prefer if you do in fact!

Cee-Jay-Cee

Many restaurants won’t split bills so send another text on the presumption that the restaurant you are going to won’t split large bills and so it might be advisable for everyone to take cash with them as many people don’t carry cash anymore (I don’t) . That’ll make it evidently clear that everyone pays their own way.

NickNickleby

What a dilemna.

Just send a second round of messages, outlining the situation.

eg "Hi everyone, just to clarify. Much as I'd love to pick up the tab for GrandDad's night, I don't have that kind of readies. I've asked the restaurant what the table d'hote costs and they said €xx per head without drinks. I'm sorry for not making this clear originally, but I was so caught up in making lists and picking somewhere , I got careless I hope you'll all still come along, to make it a great night. Cheers Hammer89". (or Sledge to my friends).

Anyone who responds negatively can then go **** themselves.

Of course, if you're loaded, this won't go down well.

But I'm going to assume your're a penniless artist in a garrett, with romantic ideas, and want Granda to have a nice night. Which is fine.

Edit : Anniversary??? If this is Anniversary of his death, then apologies for my misunderstanding, but either way, I'm sure your motivation is wholesome and therefore the rest of my post stands.

freshpopcorn

Just to note if I organised a party for my parents or grandmother if she was still alive and the people I invited had to pay for there own food. They'd be mortified and very annoyed at me.

SEPT 23 1989

Nothing so undignified as calculators at a table after a meal

Hammer89

I should probably point out that it's the anniversary of his death, not birthday or marriage or something.

lollpop

A follow up message as suggested is definitely the way to go. I think it's partly a generational thing. If I was going out for a similar meal I would expect to pay for myself. My parents however would expect that if they are invited then that person is paying. We had a similar family scenario and associated confusion. Thankfully it was mentioned to the organiser and so clarity was provided in advance as some people definitely thought they would not be paying for themselves.

Galwayguy35

It does kind of sound from the way the invite was phrased that it was a paid for meal but I think most people would at least offer on the night to pay for themselves.

Hammer89

In hindsight, they must know that I'm not fronting the cost. Most of them know me very well, while the others know me enough to know that I'm young and probably not in a position to drop €400 or €500 on a meal. I'll probably send the follow-up text regardless, even though it's a bit awkward, but even if I don't I'm sure everyone will arrive with the assumption that it'll be a split cost.

Agricola

Have a think on what the people you're inviting do for a living. If they are/were mostly working people, trades, etc then they'll all be under the assumption that everyone is picking up their own tab at the end of the night.

If they're a bunch of white collar professionals, they'll be expecting you to pay! It's the law of social status. The more you have, the tighter you are!

Hammer89

Agricola wrote: »

Have a think on what the people you're inviting do for a living. If they are/were mostly working people, trades, etc then they'll all be under the assumption that everyone is picking up their own tab at the end of the night.

If they're a bunch of white collar professionals, they'll be expecting you to pay! It's the law of social status. The more you have, the tighter you are!

Pretty sure the vast majority are retired.

It’s my nana’s 60th and my aunts the same were alll going for Chinese & drink aftwards and we’re told if we wanna come we have to pay ourselves

I see nothing wrong with that

Ghekko

Hammer89 wrote: »

Pretty sure the vast majority are retired.

Definitely clarify!!

Ronin247

If you have someone who you are close to there then explain the situation to them. When the bill arrives you throw 100 in and your pal divides the rest. You dont look like a tightwad and the bill is sorted.

TerrorFirmer

Does sound to me like it was worded in such a way that it was implied you're paying. You said you've an OK job, so it if was me I'd probably just learn from experience and pay, it'd be a couple hundred euro. Not ideal when it wasn't actually the plan to begin with, but if you can afford it, it's a lesson learned and you've also done people a nice turn too.

_Dara_

andekwarhola wrote: »

Is it really the expected etiquette to pay for everyone?

If somebody invited me to a restaurant for something like that, I wouldn't dream of assuming that I was getting my meal paid for?

Same. If it was a meal after a funeral, I would because the estate does generally pay for that. But an anniversary meal? No way!

AllForIt

_Dara_ wrote: »

Same. If it was a meal after a funeral, I would because the estate does generally pay for that. But an anniversary meal? No way!

Oh that reminds me to spend all my estate money on myself before I die. Hopefully I won't die unexpectedly so I can time it accuratly.

_Dara_

AllForIt wrote: »

Oh that reminds me to spend all my estate money on myself before I die. Hopefully I won't die unexpectedly so I can time it accuratly.

Well, what I mean is that the deceased will often have made provisions to pay for their funeral and anything that goes with it.

the_pen_turner

a relative of mine left left money and instructions to have a family meal on the first anniversary.
we all met up and had a great meal .
it was great idea. that person was the only link between some family members and it was a great reminder to stay conected