disturbed about girlfriend dating past

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, came here looking for advice regarding my situation, I have been with this girl now for a few month and on a recent holiday we happen to pass by a red light district and I just started speaking my opinion on prostitution as to how it should never be legalized all the exploitation issues and stuff, then out of nowhere she tells me that she engaged in enkō in the past (she was 19 he was 57) and that i should sympathize more with these girls as you never know what is going on their life for them to wind up there, when I tried to question further she said it happened in the past and she doesn't want to talk about, I was like you shouldnt have told me in the first place.

now I happen to be very disturbed I feel like the relationship is now doomed as our moral compass appear to point in different directions and she doesn't want to talk to at least help me understand where she is coming from, what she did to me is worst then prostitution, we havn't talked since w came back and i been ignoring all her texts and calls as i dont know how to approach this

Dial Hard

theconfusedprince wrote:

now I happen to be very disturbed I feel like the relationship is now doomed as our moral compass appear to point in different directions and she doesn't want to talk to at least help me understand where she is coming from, what she did to me is worst then prostitution, we havn't talked since w came back and i been ignoring all her texts and calls as i dont know how to approach this

Break up with her. You'll be doing her a favour. You think your girlfriend is worse than a prostitute (leaving aside how sh*tty this attitude towards prostitutes is) because she went out with a pimp when she was extremely young and possibly naive and exploited herself???

Seriously dude, end this now and find yourself a woman with the same impeccable "moral compass" as yourself. Your girlfriend can then find someone with a bit of compassion and understanding about how the world actually works.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not going to condemn you for your attitude. I had to google enkō and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with dating someone who'd done something like that. Not unless I knew more about how it came about anyway. I think it would be a step too far for me, but we're talking a hypothetical situation here.

What's coming across here is that you're utterly reviled by what happened. This revelation about your girlfriend has soured everything. If you're not OK with her past and don't think you can get over it, then yes you need to end this soon. You're not covering yourself in glory by ignoring her calls and texts. The least you can do is show her the courtesy of ending the relationship in person.

Seth Brundle

theconfusedprince wrote: »

now I happen to be very disturbed I feel like the relationship is now doomed as our moral compass appear to point in different directions and she doesn't want to talk to at least help me understand where she is coming from, what she did to me is worst then prostitution, we havn't talked since w came back and i been ignoring all her texts and calls as i dont know how to approach this

What exactly is your problem with her?
Maybe break it off with her if you're going to be like that. I'm sure she can do better for herself!

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

I would remind posters to keep their replies mature and civil. People post in Personal Issues with issues that are causing them concern. Not everyone thinks and feels the same about situations. Please consider a real person who has come asking for help is listening to your advice.

Anyone unfamiliar with the standard of posting expected in the Personal Issues forum should re-read the Forum Charter stickied at the top of the forum.

JMNolan

Dial Hard wrote: »

Break up with her. You'll be doing her a favour. You think your girlfriend is worse than a prostitute (leaving aside how sh*tty this attitude towards prostitutes is) because she went out with a pimp when she was extremely young and possibly naive and exploited herself???

Seriously dude, end this now and find yourself a woman with the same impeccable "moral compass" as yourself. Your girlfriend can then find someone with a bit of compassion and understanding about how the world actually works.

Geez, talk about bitterness.

Bambi985

I don’t think the OP should be condemned for feeling the way he does. I’d hazard a guess that most of us would be taken aback to hear the same thing from a partner. Sex is linked to intimacy & feelings for a lot of people and it’s not like we’re talking about a bit of casual sex here - we’re talking about the exchange of money for sexual favours, which is an illegal practice in most countries.

OP, I think you need to stop ignoring this woman right now and get frank with her. Tell her you’d like to talk and then be honest about the fact that this revelation sort of shocked you and you don’t know how to handle it. There’s a chance she’ll walk away which is 100% her right, but there’s also a chance that you’ll hear something very human that will make you empathise and feel differently.

Just do the honourable thing and be honest with her. That’s all you can do really.

Big Bag of Chips

Bambi985 wrote: »

There’s a chance she’ll walk away which is 100% her right,

And you also have 100% right to walk away if it's something that you're not happy with. Relationships last or not for a wide number of reasons. Everybody has their own expectations in a relationship. And nobody has the right to tell you you're wrong for not being happy with a certain aspect of a person.

Free will is a great thing. And you are both free to walk away from this relationship at any point.

woodchuck

OP I don't blame you for being disturbed by this revelation. However, you're handling the situation very immaturely. She told you something that must have been quite difficult, knowing that you'd have a bad reaction based on the conversation you were already having. You proceed to tell her she shouldn't have told you in the first place (when would you like to have found out!?) and now you're ignoring your calls and texts.

People can't change their past. It sounds like it's a chapter of her life that she's not very proud of, given that she doesn't want to discuss the details. So I wouldn't assume that your moral compasses are misaligned. Like she said, you never know what happened in someones life that has gotten them to this point.

So it's up to you to decide now if it's something you can live with or not. If not, you need put the poor girl out of her misery and the do the decent thing by giving her a clean break and not just ignore her.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

JMNolan, as per the Charter please direct all replies to the OP and offer mature, constructive, civil advice.

Thanks.

Same goes for all posters.

GingerLily

Break up with her, you won't forgive her and she shouldn't need to apologise.

I don't think she has done anything unforgivable, but you also don't have to be with someone you can't understand or trust

Augme

theconfusedprince wrote: »

we havn't talked since w came back and i been ignoring all her texts and calls as i dont know how to approach this

You really need to ask yourself if you are mature enough to be in a relationship. The above tells me you definitely aren't. Best thing to do is break up and then learn to deal with situations like an adult. It will help you a lot in the long run.

Emme

OP if your only issue with prostitution was the exploitation of prostitutes you might not have an issue with your girlfriend's past. Everyone is entitled to their own morals but you are clearly uncomfortable with what she had to do.

Girls who join sugar daddy websites do so for reasons from receiving luxury gifts to receiving money to pay education costs or even to support their families. I would have more of an issue with married men seeing these girls behind their wives backs than with the girls themselves. There are young men who do this as well for the same reasons.

I would advise you to contact your girlfriend, meet her face to face and break up with her. Be honest with her. Ignoring her isn't nice and she has probably guessed that things aren't going to go any further with you.

You might be better meeting future partners through a church, religious group or pro-life organisation.

Jurgen Klopp

Emme wrote: »

OP if your only issue with prostitution was the exploitation of prostitutes you might not have an issue with your girlfriend's past. Everyone is entitled to their own morals but you are clearly uncomfortable with what she had to do.

Girls who join sugar daddy websites do so for reasons from receiving luxury gifts to receiving money to pay education costs or even to support their families. I would have more of an issue with married men seeing these girls behind their wives backs than with the girls themselves. There are young men who do this as well for the same reasons.

I would advise you to contact your girlfriend, meet her face to face and break up with her. Be honest with her. Ignoring her isn't nice and she has probably guessed that things aren't going to go any further with you.

You might be better meeting future partners through a church, religious group or pro-life organisation.

I don't understand where the pro life and church thing comes into? You hardly think it's only ultra religious folk whod be uncomfortable with this?

OP it's her right, but I don't blame ya one bit not liking it either.

Some might be ok with it, a lot won't. Your view isn't some sort of out of touch thing either, it's just boards tbh. Don't think I know any man or woman that would go out with someone that engaged in that

Plenty of people can be stuck for money or need to support themselves or family. 99% manage to do it without hiring themselves out

Mokuba

Somehow you are the villain here. Because here you are supposed to be 100 percent accepting of people and not judge them on their sexual past at all. Except that people are judged on their past in literally every other walk of life. Every single one. This is no different.

Ignore all that. Ignore the shaming because you dare have a viewpoint that is what some would consider "old fashioned", but many others would consider "normal".

You are conflicted because you like her but you know deep down how you feel about this.

It's pseudo-prostitution. She basically sold herself to an older man. You can talk to her about it but no amount of talking is going to change that simple fact.

Walk away and find somebody who isn't comfortable with using prostitution as an income. I'm sure there is somebody for her out there who will be perfectly comfortable with it. It obviously isn't you and that's cool. It's not me (or any of my friends) either.

Idbatterim

GingerLily wrote: »

Break up with her, you won't forgive her and she shouldn't need to apologise.

I don't think she has done anything unforgivable, but you also don't have to be with someone you can't understand or trust

yeah right. You'd continue dating a lad if he told you this?!

Idbatterim

Emme wrote: »

OP if your only issue with prostitution was the exploitation of prostitutes you might not have an issue with your girlfriend's past. Everyone is entitled to their own morals but you are clearly uncomfortable with what she had to do.

Girls who join sugar daddy websites do so for reasons from receiving luxury gifts to receiving money to pay education costs or even to support their families. I would have more of an issue with married men seeing these girls behind their wives backs than with the girls themselves. There are young men who do this as well for the same reasons.

I would advise you to contact your girlfriend, meet her face to face and break up with her. Be honest with her. Ignoring her isn't nice and she has probably guessed that things aren't going to go any further with you.

You might be better meeting future partners through a church, religious group or pro-life organisation.

Yes yes. Because ending up dating a prostiute is highly likely otherwise! I wouldn laugh and walk away if I found out something like. Don't mind all the cool kids saying that you should say yes to everything, because it's liberal , cool and causing offence is very politically incorrect ...

Lindy17

From the title of the thread OP it’s clear that regardless of how others may feel the revelation about your girlfriend’s past is clearly something that has really bothered you. I understand the news overwhelmed you and perhaps you don’t feel like it’s something ye can move on from.

However at the end of the day you currently are in a relationship with her. You need to make contact, it is the least she deserves! It might not have been easy for her to bring up this part of her past and she could have decided to never tell you. If you feel you want to break up with her, well do it. As others have said relationships fail for many reasons.

NinetyTwoTeam

Mokuba wrote: »

Somehow you are the villain here. Because here you are supposed to be 100 percent accepting of people and not judge them on their sexual past at all. Except that people are judged on their past in literally every other walk of life. Every single one. This is no different.

Ignore all that. Ignore the shaming because you dare have a viewpoint that is what some would consider "old fashioned", but many others would consider "normal".

You are conflicted because you like her but you know deep down how you feel about this.

It's pseudo-prostitution. She basically sold herself to an older man. You can talk to her about it but no amount of talking is going to change that simple fact.

Walk away and find somebody who isn't comfortable with using prostitution as an income. I'm sure there is somebody for her out there who will be perfectly comfortable with it. It obviously isn't you and that's cool. It's not me (or any of my friends) either.

It's not so much the fact that he is judging her, but he is now ignoring her.

She was honest with him, and it probably took courage to admit what she did. He could at least be honest and not hide from her, even if he wishes she kept the truth from him.

No one will vilify you for just breaking up with her in an honest and up front fashion OP. I would be quite sympathetic to the plight of girls who have to become sex workers and wouldn't think they are bad people, but I also wouldn't want to date them.

SuperSean11

Maybe speaking with a councilor. Somebody’s past is there own personal thing, try and be understanding and talk to the woman.
This shouldn’t be a deal breaker imo.

clairewithani

OP you are entitled to your views and if I am honest I would definitely have a problem with my partner being involved in a scenario like that. But if you believe prostitution is exploitation then that makes the prostitute a victim and victims need understanding not judgement.

I do think I see your point that if she did not want to talk about it, it was strange to raise it in the first place. But what's done is done. Now going forward you need to communicate to save that relationship or tell her it is over.

gaynorvader

Be honest with her. tell her how this information makes you feel. Have a decent, face to face, honest discussion and lay all your cards on the table. Maybe she won't want to go out with you anymore, maybe you'll find a way to get past it together, maybe you'll decide it's a dealbreaker. You won't know for sure until you've had a frank, open talk.

LegacyUser

So the girl basically sold her wares for money and the OP is made uncomfortable by this. I can't believe there are people telling him he's not mature enough for a relationship, and that it's none of his business etc. Sure, he shouldn't stick around and make her feel bad about it but he's entitled to have a problem with his girlfriend basically prostituting herself in the past if he wants.
So many times on these boards I've seen women saying they couldn't be with a man if he paid for sex in the past. You don't see them being told they're immature etc. On the other hand it's wrong to have a problem with someone being a hooker in the past. Funny!

GingerLily

Idbatterim wrote: »

yeah right. You'd continue dating a lad if he told you this?!

I didn't say I would - I didn't vilify the OP, and I equally didn't vilify the girlfriend.

Idbatterim

clairewithani wrote: »

OP you are entitled to your views and if I am honest I would definitely have a problem with my partner being involved in a scenario like that. But if you believe prostitution is exploitation then that makes the prostitute a victim and victims need understanding not judgement.

I do think I see your point that if she did not want to talk about it, it was strange to raise it in the first place. But what's done is done. Now going forward you need to communicate to save that relationship or tell her it is over.

there might be one or two scenarios where I could potentially try and understand it and understand it, although I dont think I could be with the person any more. Literally to save her or the family from death or starvation, they would be the drastic extremes where I would have a lot of compassion for, not much more though...

sbsquarepants

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I had to google enkō and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with dating someone who'd done something like that. .

So did I - It came back with a new type of running shoe.

I assume her jogging was not the problem:D I'm guessing from the replies above it's some form of sex for money shenanigans?

Looks like you just need to go your separate ways. Some differences just aren't reconcilable OP!

GingerLily

sbsquarepants wrote: »

So did I - It came back with a new type of running shoe.

I assume her jogging was not the problem:D I'm guessing from the replies above it's some form of sex for money shenanigans?

Looks like you just need to go your separate ways. Some differences just aren't reconcilable OP!

Its a sugar daddy..

Eric Cartman

even if you want to dress it up as 'sugar daddy'ing' its prostitution , plain and simple. I'd be incredibly put off by it and would definitely throw up a massive red flag that she was with me for money / supporting her life. OP I can understand your discomfort, not going to tell you what to do but I'd be gone.

strandroad

To me it would depend on their position today. Is it "I was young and stupid and it was a very bad call, I'm alright now but I don't like to look back", or "what's your issue, sure isn't it a great way for a college girl to earn some spending money before we wrinkle"?

Emme

Many people her are all too willing to judge the girl and call her names such as "prostitute". However how many of you watch online porn? Would those of you who watch online porn date a porn actress?

I really think there is a lot of hypocrisy on this thread. The double standard is still alive and well in Ireland.

Eric Cartman

Emme wrote: »

Many people her are all too willing to judge the girl and call her names such as "prostitute". However how many of you watch online porn? Would those of you who watch online porn date a porn actress?

I really think there is a lot of hypocrisy on this thread. The double standard is still alive and well in Ireland.

No, and I don't think a lot of men would either. This is about preference. Women are entitled to like men who don't do drugs/smoke/drink etc... or any other personality trait that you don't like.

I happen to like women who don't put a cash value on their sexual consent or use their sexuality to aquire money. Thats a preference that people are allowed to have.

I'm sure theres a lot of women would take issue if their boyfriend was going out and working as a rent boy and thats fine too.

Ursus Horribilis

Emme wrote: »

Many people her are all too willing to judge the girl and call her names such as "prostitute". However how many of you watch online porn? Would those of you who watch online porn date a porn actress?

My guess is that the vast majority of people wouldn't want to date a porn actor/actress. Let's face it, nobody watches porn because they like the personality and acting skills of the people in the videos. It's a commodity and a means to an end when the mood takes you. I'd rather not date someone who has had unprotected sex with god knows how many other people, and has had thousands of people watch them perform intimate acts. If they're willing to do it on camera that's fine. I just wouldn't want to date them. You can call it hypocrisy if you want. I don't consider it to be so.

Emme

On the other hand in discussions about banning prostitution or making it illegal men always rush in to defend making prostitution legal. Yet none of them would be happy if any women in their families were prostitutes/sex workers and it seem that they wouldn't be happy to date a woman who is a sex worker or has done any sex work in the past.

Hypocrisy again.

Neyite

Mod:

Can we get back on topic please - this isn't a hypothetical discussion about sex work, it's an advice forum so posts should be giving the OP advice on his specific problem - in a civil, constructive manner.

A bit of kindness in tone would not go astray either, regardless of your personal feelings - it's still someone who found out something about his partner that's stunned him, and that's never easy for anyone.

If you can't manage that, please don't post.

Neyite

Mod:

It's Personal Issues. The point is to give helpful advice to the OP so I'm asking again - stop with the conversations between yourselves over your personal viewpoints on sex work and dragging the thread off topic.

Clairewithani, your post was deleted as it was off topic. And debating between yourselves with a one-liner thrown in towards the OP as an afterthought will be deleted too.

If you want a discussion on the morality of sex work, try Humanaties.

LegacyUser

OP here, much thanks really to everyone that commented here, I appreciate you all taking the time out of your day to help someone like myself, ignoring the calls was a mistake as everyone pointed out, I been told before that I was too irresponsible and as some have pointed out immature to be in a relationship, to the point where I was seriously considering to visit Singapore to take a course a friend told me is offered to newlyweds to help foster growth, maturity, responsibility and expectation of both sides as they take on what can be a life long journey.

That didn't work out though, simply don't have the expenses and entered into relationships to try and develop from experience, this lady being my second so far, so am still learning!

I initially avoided the calls as I knew our next conversation will include a discussion about this issue and i dreaded having it, with my limited experience i thought of seeking advice before saying anything and am glad i came here, I realize now that I should of at least answered and said how we need to talk sometime soon.

Which i did, just recently after reading through what people have to say, after some opening statements, explanations and apologies, I told her that I feel that organised prostitution to be an unnecessary blight on society an industry of mainly male dominance focused on the subversion of women to the desire of man, that can encourage a lot of negative behavior and spoil for some the dynamics of men and women relationships, beside the victims of this industry who do have my sympathy, I wouldn't stand in agreement in front of those who supports it whether male or females.

She mentions that while she agrees with me for the most part, she was at a difficult time of her life, her father passed away and she needed the extra money, I felt angry and relieved for an instance, at that old man who by the statue of his wealth exploited this young women need and circumstances, while I believe that she should not have she should not have fallen for this I can understand why.

That was until she told me that she felt justified in what she did, does not consider herself to be exploited and feels no regrets, understandable given the circumstances, but even to this day she felt that if things were to ever get rough again, this remain a path to which she may give some thought, as she feels that as long as that she's detached from these men, sex is nothing it's her body and she can do what she likes, the same way a skilled artist uses a body part like his hands, or a footballer his legs to earn, if she approaches this with the same mentality she wont feel anything.

Finally she mentions how she does not believe sex to be a way of expressing love, and I can understand if most of your experience with it doesn't involve it, and if she were to get a condition that makes sex not possible, our love should not be affected beside my annoyance in not being able to satisfy my cranial desire.

I then told her that I can at least now understand where females that engage and encourage voluntary prostitution come from, but that I simply don't think I will feel comfortable with someone who feels its okay to strip down to a most vulnerable state trust and allow a stranger to come in such close contact with you based on the merit of him buying your will, I just believe and many do that certain things in life are priceless and intimacy is one of them for me.

In light of this, and as many here have suggested, I said that its better if we break off and open her up to someone that is more then happy to embrace her position, she said she was willing to overlook our past differences (we had a big argument before about marriage, as I believe it to be a long outdated and unnecessary tradition that I will not participate in ex..) but if this is how I feel then its fine, she asked if we can remain friends and I said it shouldn't be a problem, even though it will be difficult as i will always think of our relationship.

Now am going through the post-break up syndrome, we work close to each other and I used to see her alot during lunch and while commuting before we started meeting (I was buying lunch she happen to be behind me in queue so i pretended i didnt have enough change knowing that she will offer to pay, I used this sly tactic to start our first conversation and we hit off ever since. Encase your wondering I did pay her back and told her about this, she just laughed) So now I plan to ask my boss to relocate me to a different area/branch to help me move on, as I find it difficult to be going in and out of work and launch seeing her daily.

Again sorry for this long post, I appreciate those who read through as seeing how many people responded I felt I should follow it up well, I will be taking a good break from any relationship for a long time I feel.... I will miss the company, so maybe I will get a dog.... or a cat, maybe a bird?

Emme

TheTryingToMoveOnPrince wrote: »

In light of this, and as many here have suggested, I said that its better if we break off and open her up to someone that is more then happy to embrace her position, she said she was willing to overlook our past differences (we had a big argument before about marriage, as I believe it to be a long outdated and unnecessary tradition that I will not participate in ex..) but if this is how I feel then its fine, she asked if we can remain friends and I said it shouldn't be a problem, even though it will be difficult as i will always think of our relationship.

OP you have a right to stick to your values but most women with the same values (ie having sex in a loving relationship only) you have expressed are likely to want marriage if the relationship continues and especially if you want to have children. Relationships are a two-way street.

TheTryingToMoveOnPrince wrote: »

Now am going through the post-break up syndrome, we work close to each other and I used to see her alot during lunch and while commuting before we started meeting (I was buying lunch she happen to be behind me in queue so i pretended i didnt have enough change knowing that she will offer to pay, I used this sly tactic to start our first conversation and we hit off ever since. Encase your wondering I did pay her back and told her about this, she just laughed) So now I plan to ask my boss to relocate me to a different area/branch to help me move on, as I find it difficult to be going in and out of work and launch seeing her daily.

I hope your boss moves you because I am sure it will be difficult for her seeing you as well. Remember it was your choice to break up with her.

B.A._Baracus

Hey op,
f*ck everyones post here. You can even say the same about mine I say that because we all live our own lives. We all have things that are acceptable and not acceptable from people we date.
There are people out there who wouldn't date someone because they work in Tesco. There are people out there who would not date someone who is ginger or slightly overweight or just because they come from a certain area! These are seemingly all perfectly acceptable reasons. So why isn't yours?
Forget the moralistic bullsh*it. This is your life.

Do what you want op. Everyone else does.

lawred2

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm not going to condemn you for your attitude. I had to google enkō and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with dating someone who'd done something like that. Not unless I knew more about how it came about anyway. I think it would be a step too far for me, but we're talking a hypothetical situation here.

What's coming across here is that you're utterly reviled by what happened. This revelation about your girlfriend has soured everything. If you're not OK with her past and don't think you can get over it, then yes you need to end this soon. You're not covering yourself in glory by ignoring her calls and texts. The least you can do is show her the courtesy of ending the relationship in person.

I googled enkō and got a Lisbon DJ and some running shoes..

So I'm none the wiser..

Ursus Horribilis

You must have the child friendly setting turned on in Google
Link

Anyway OP, thanks for the update. The one thing I'll say to you is this : trying to stay friends with an ex isn't a good idea. Especially when you've only just broken up and feelings are running high. Perhaps down the line when you've both got over the break up, it might happen. For now, seeing her as little as possible will help you get over this more quickly.

gaynorvader

TheTryingToMoveOnPrince wrote: »

{...}

Glad you found out for sure that you weren't compatible. Best of luck in finding someone that shares your deeply held beliefs.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

For what it's worth if I were in your situation I would be feeling the exact same as you.

Onwards and upwards as they say.

.......

This post has been deleted.

99nsr125

Emme wrote: »

On the other hand in discussions about banning prostitution or making it illegal men always rush in to defend making prostitution legal. Yet none of them would be happy if any women in their families were prostitutes/sex workers and it seem that they wouldn't be happy to date a woman who is a sex worker or has done any sex work in the past.

Hypocrisy again.

Well personally I wouldn't be in that group

You date / love / marry the person not their past

Neyite

Mod:

Hi OP, since your thread had appeared to reach a conclusion I'm going to close it to avoid it veering wildy off topic. But, if you want it reopened to seek more advice, just message one of the mods in confidence.