Facing difficulties with my sexuality/sexual urges

Fatman Scoop

I am a 30 something male, due to marry a female in 2018.

I am very attracted to women, curvy women, thin women, all colours, wide age range. I have had sexual relationships with quite a lot of women.

On the other hand, I'm very turned on by a good looking hard penis. I don't find mens faces or bodies sexually attractive. I enjoy transexual pornography and do regularly fantasise about masturbating with other men, and giving oral, especially to a transsexual.

On one occasion in the past I meet a male on Grindr and gave him a blowjob. This satisfied a craving for a long time. Now I have that itch again. My wife to be knows I have this urge but will never acquiesce to it. I understand, but I'm struggling.

I won't ever chat by going off with a woman,, but do toy with the idea of meeting a man for a quick blowjob.

Any here ever been in a similar situation?

Dial Hard

I think the really pertinent question is, do you love your fiancee?

solJ21

If you cannot commit to one person be it male or female, then you shouldn’t marry them simple as that. It is not fair if you cheat on them, given it is not open marriage or some new age alternative arrangement.Best of luck OP.

Bambi985

It’s still cheating OP if that’s what the question is. And it’s potentially worse if she ever found out because what does it mean for her? That she’ll never be enough for you sexually, that you are potentially attracted more to men than to women, that this will always be a dirty little secret?

Do you think you can marry this woman and commit to her and her only as the person you are sexual with for the rest of your life? If not then I’d hold the horses on the wedding until you’ve sorted your head out

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Would something like introducing a strap on and role play into your sex life with your fiancee be any good? Would she be open to exploring that do you think?

Fatman Scoop

I do very much love her.

I know that may sound like a lie to some who have read the OP, but it absolutely is not. After 7 years together, we marry this year. I have never strayed.

It's a very complicated feeling. I desire no other woman, but now and then desire something she will never be able to provide and it is hard to ignore a part of me. It's a very lonely place to be. My friends don't know and my family don't know. It's not a desire I like to disclose.

Fatman Scoop

Bambi985 wrote: »

It’s still cheating OP if that’s what the question is. And it’s potentially worse if she ever found out because what does it mean for her? That she’ll never be enough for you sexually, that you are potentially attracted more to men than to women, that this will always be a dirty little secret?

Do you think you can marry this woman and commit to her and her only as the person you are with for the rest of your life? If not then I’d hold the horses on the wedding until you’ve sorted your head out

I know it's still cheating if anything occurs.

I know for a fact that I am not for a minute potentially more attracted to men than I am to women. I won't regal you with tales, but I very much enjoy women's bodies. A woman on the tv will catch my eye, a woman out walking while I'm in the car, women at work, etc etc. I don't mean in a leery way or a creepy way, but it's something that registers with me all the time. I've never had this feeling with a man. I don't find men attractive. I just have a strange desire for male genitalia. That sounds so strange when written down.

For the record, when I had a sexual encounter with a man all those years ago, I was not with my fiance at the time.

SuperSean11

Did you ever talk about it with your bride to be?

Fatman Scoop

GingerLily wrote: »

Were you with your wife when you went in grinder and met with that man? Because I would consider that straying.

No. This was when I was a single man.

Fatman Scoop

SuperSean11 wrote: »

Did you ever talk about it with your bride to be?

To a point. She is aware of my previous male encounter. I was open with her when the topic came up once after watching some movie.

Bambi985

I get that OP, you identify and behave very much like a heterosexual man, but your sex life with your fiancee or with any number of women is not going to be enough for you is what I'm reading. You feel as though you are perpetually at risk of cheating because of these secret urges.

I think you need to run through what the outcome of following these urges would be in your life and weighs the pros against the cons. It doesn't sound as if you're willing to face the risk of losing your relationship, so the options are:

- talk about it honestly and openly with her. Not as a "this one time at band camp" kind of way while you're watching a movie. Tell her exactly what you've told us here and see where you land

- choose to ignore the urges and commit yourself 100% to your wife-to-be. Accept that they'll always be there to some extent and resign yourself to living with them without acting upon them

- Act on them and get back on grindr. Is once more going to be enough? Highly unlikely. So what this leads to is a "dirty little secret" that you keep from your wife and your family/friends for the rest of your days. Can you live like that? Is it worth it?

bobsman

Op , how did your girlfriend react when you told her about your Grindr encounter?

Airyfairy12

If it was me I genuinely wouldnt have a problem with my partner seeking sexual fulfillment from another man provided it was safe and he didnt lie or do it without discussing it as a couple first. Is it cheating if youre open with your partner? considering what your seeking is something your partner or any woman can never provide, would she be open to you exploring this in anyway?
I feel its very wrong to expect to control someone, including sexually and if you have an itch for something that feelings not going to go away, marriage or not. I think you should just talk to her about it.

GingerLily

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If it was me I genuinely wouldnt have a problem with my partner seeking sexual fulfillment from another man provided it was safe and he didnt lie or do it without discussing it as a couple first. Is it cheating if youre open with your partner? considering what your seeking is something your partner or any woman can never provide, would she be open to you exploring this in anyway?
I feel its very wrong to expect to control someone, including sexually and if you have an itch for something that feelings not going to go away, marriage or not. I think you should just talk to her about it.

I would not marry a man who wanted to have sexual encounters with another man, and that doesn't make me controlling. I'm not forcing him to be with me, that's his choice, but everyone's allowed to set a basic standard for their relationship between themselves.

bobsman

I think honesty is the key here. You do need to speak to your gf, OP

bp

Would she be interested in a threesome? Just an option for you to get the kick you need and maybe she would be open to it

Airyfairy12

GingerLily wrote: »

I would not marry a man who wanted to have sexual encounters with another man, and that doesn't make me controlling. I'm not forcing him to be with me, that's his choice, but everyone's allowed to set a basic standard for their relationship between themselves.

Each to their own

GingerLily

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Each to their own

I agree each to their own but I think it's wrong to call someone who insists on monogamy "controlling" .....

JupiterKid

I’m an admin on an Irish LGBT message boards and I can tell you that there are a LOT of men = particularly men over 40 - who are married to women but are either deep in the closet gay, bisexual or in a couple of cases trans. And most of these men cheat with other men behind their wives’ backs. Some are in real turmoil because of it and others seem to be blasé. It’s very sad. It is easy to opine that these men should never have married a woman in the first place but I would blame societal homophobia making closeted men get into heterosexual marriages and lead very sexually unfulfilling lives. It’s very easy to get on a moral high horse and criticise these people.

That said, things have massively improved in terms of equality for LGBT people and of course we have same-sex marriage now. There seems to be little excuse in 2018 for gay or bi men or women to marry an opposite sex partner that they are either not really attracted to and/or will cheat on.

Ideally the OP would sit down with his fiancée and discuss the issue but it would be a very difficult subject to broach. I do know many couples have open relationships and these are growing in number but many if not most women I’d wager would not be willing to countenance their partner having sex with other people - be they male or female. I feel sorry for the OP to be in such a difficult position.

I’d advise him to hold off on the wedding until he decides what he really wants. It’s simply not fair to marry someone and then deceive them through cheating.

Bambi985

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If it was me I genuinely wouldnt have a problem with my partner seeking sexual fulfillment from another man provided it was safe and he didnt lie or do it without discussing it as a couple first. Is it cheating if youre open with your partner? considering what your seeking is something your partner or any woman can never provide, would she be open to you exploring this in anyway?
I feel its very wrong to expect to control someone, including sexually and if you have an itch for something that feelings not going to go away, marriage or not. I think you should just talk to her about it.

Fair enough, but that would be a very uncommon attitude to take to this kind of thing. Most women are not going to be ok with their partners having sex with men on the side. OP has even hinted that his wife knows and is NOT ok with it, so the question becomes - what now? Ignore her feelings on the matter altogether, try again to engage her in a frank and open conversation or just ignore the urges altogether?

JupiterKid

Just to add to my earlier post, it needs to be stressed that bisexual men and women can have happy, long-term monogamous relationships with opposite or same-sex partners and never feel the need to cheat.

Bisexuality does not equate with uncontrollable promiscuity. Many bi people think that wider society views them as selfish hedonists when the reality is often very different.

Airyfairy12

Bambi985 wrote: »

Fair enough, but that would be a very uncommon attitude to take to this kind of thing. Most women are not going to be ok with their partners having sex with men on the side. OP has even hinted that his wife knows and is NOT ok with it, so the question becomes - what now? Ignore her feelings on the matter altogether, try again to engage her in a frank and open conversation or just ignore the urges altogether?

I've never been in OP's situation so I dont know what he should do.. Its up to himself and his partner to decide. If he's bisexual, thats ok, he hasnt done anything wrong.. he hasnt cheated or gone behind his OH's back, he's just being honest about how he feels.
you'd be surprised, its not that uncommon at all, I know couples who 'allow' each other to occasionally engage physically with people of the same sex and it works for them. It wont work for others.. everybody's different. I also know bisexual people who've cheated on their partners and everyone ends up hurt. Its hardly a good alternative.
He should maybe talk to his partner about it. His urges arent going to go away but he doesnt want to lose his OH and she's not open to him having sex with men on the side, which is fair enough. Its a difficult situation for everyone involved.

osarusan

Fatman Scoop wrote: »

My wife to be knows I have this urge but will never acquiesce to it. I understand, but I'm struggling.

Your partner knows how you feel and you know she will never acquiesce to it, so don't get married until this is resolved, which might well mean not getting married at all.

Actually I don't see how it would ever really be resolved, unless one of you makes a concession that is going to leave them feeling miserable.

silverharp

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it, either get married with the full intention of being monogamous or don't.

Mr. Incognito

silverharp wrote: »

Sounds like you want your cake and eat it, either get married with the full intention of being monogamous or don't.

This.

Just because you have an urge doesnt mean that you have to fulfill it.

Whats so special about your urges. Your wife to be might have urges to sleep with a co-worker or be with a woman.

When we are in a monogomous relationship we commit.

That means we consciously decide that even though we have desires or urges for other people we make a commitment to be faithful.

If you cant do that then end your relationship.

If you can then get over your pity party and get on with your life. At least you scratched that itch and have experienced it.

LolaJJ

Given that you are about to get married I think your future wife who you love deserves to know about your reservations committing to her and sacrificing your freedom to meet up with men to fulfill this other need. She may accept it and support this urge. The person who is the right person to marry should love you for everything you are. It's A LOT to ask but if she's aware of your previous encounter and is still willing to marry you then it's not going to come as a complete surprise. As long as she understands your respect for her is unwavering and this is separate to your sexual life with her.

I mean, it's not going to be an easy conversation but it's very selfish to marry her and have this explode at a later date.

Also, as previous posters mentioned - committing to one person means making sacrifices. I had AMAZING sex with an ex who treated me like crap. Current partner and I have awesome sex but it's not as good, but he treats me incredibly well. Do I yearn for sex with my asshole ex? Eh no....because I've moved on and my current partner is enough in every way. ALSO, I couldn't bear the thoughts of lying to him or going behind his back or risking him feeling disrespected and hurt..etc etc. These are the things you should be feeling about your wife I'd have thought.

baby and crumble

I think it's actually important to ignore the gender of the person the OP want to share a sexual act with. It's muddying the waters.

I'd wager everyone (or close to everyone) has at some point been with a person who doesn't want to do something, sexually, that they themselves do. Maybe it's a role play, maybe it's a specific act, whatever. In a healthy relationship there's give and take but often things are pushed too far, or someone feels the need to find that gratification elsewhere.

The only thing you can do is talk about it, OP. My wife is bisexual and whilst it's never come up, I'd hope that if she felt like you, if she really really wanted something sexual I couldn't give her, then she'd talk to me about it. I can't say I'd be like "hey great, go find a dude to bang" i'd try and see things from her perspective and find some sort of way around it, be it role play, incorporpoarating fantasies or whatever it is.

Marriage is a a mutual endevour, OP. You're not in it alone and so long as you don't make your fiancee feel like she's lacking or not enough for you, you owe it to her to talk about it, and not go behind her back and find a random d*ick to suck.

Having a sexual desire isn't cheating. Acting on it without prior permission from your partner is.

Skyfarm

Hi Op

first off what you are experiencing is natural and nothing to be ashamed of

If your partner is trying to understand and if you are committed to her how about going to a counsellor/sex therapist. you owe to yourself to find an inward answer to your feelings

but

you owe it to this woman to see whats coming down the track(so to speak)you are asking this woman to commit her life to yours,pls empower her to make her choice

Mokuba

If you were always legitimately bisexual, then ignore this.

Complete stab in the dark, I'm just getting the feeling like you started porn at a younger age. You escalated the type of thing you watch as the more vanilla stuff couldn't do the trick. Got more and more extreme. This escalation continued and eventually influenced your real life sexual desires.

And here you are.

LegacyUser

First allow me to point out - Irish culture, is traditionally highly conservative, so put some of the replies in that perspective.

"No you shouldn't!! No you don't!! Stand up straight!!" - etc.

The reality is - there are, so many men out there with homosexual desires - married etc.

I refer to them as, "latent" homosexual desires.

I mean - do we have a means of determining the exact statistic?

Obviously not but - I would wager it would be outrageously high.
Like the other dude said, men over a certain age - I would say, could be as high as 50% or more.

Sexuality seems to be a self contradictory and paradoxical world - and it can leave many many people, dis-satisfied, with life, with relationships, I personally think it's so central it can even affect our entire existence in almost every conceivable way.
Sounds dramatic I know but, because of it's highly personal and potentially highly inflammatory nature - it's something that can be so difficult to address.

To your question - who knows.

I know some gals would be totally cool about it - some would lose their head over it.


The only minor contribution I can make here is - if you have a latent homosexual impetus, when it comes to attempting to bring it to fruition - just be careful about not imposing that on men, whom you may speculate are of a similar disposition, but whom do not outwardly confirm this.
<mod snip - this is NOT acceptable advice>

Apart from that I mean, you're probably gonna do what you gotta do but - whatever the case may be, apply discretion, cognizance, and a sense or morality - you do that, you won't go horribly wrong, whatever your choice.

wakka12

Are you asking whether getting with a man isn't cheating? I think it still is. I think your wife would be similarly upset as if you met a woman off the internet, as well as being betrayed she'll probably also question whether you're gay and really attracted to her as well