Partner filled with anger constantly

LegacyUser

Hi,

So we had a baby about 6 months ago and are in the process of buying a house, so I desperately need help getting an issue resolved. The long and short of it is I need a counsellor.

Since the birth of our baby, my partner (not married) has been a ball of rage. I can't remember the last time I wasn't upset and was just content. This frustrates me as I should be enjoying the baby goo-ing and gaa-ing but I can't because I live in a house of anger. Literally everything I do is wrong or too slow. In addition to that, if we're doing anything and we encounter, what I'd describe as, a minor inconvenience, then it instantly becomes "an absolute nightmare". This is just every day stuff like having to wait a minute or two for a elevator, or a 5 minute queue in the shops. Even going anywhere with the baby causes absolute stress followed by a complete inability to cope with what's happening around. I get frustrated then because I see these as very basic and minor stuff but my partner absolutely loses the plot and holds onto the anger for hours. Before the baby, it was normal for me to get the silent treatment for days. Even a whole week. So this has always been there but now it's just worse since the baby.
It was always torture. Now it's worse.

For the past 6 months, I've been on the receiving end of verbal abuse. I'm constantly put down. This had escalated further and now my family get given short, snappy answers or get the cold shoulder. Only tonight my mother looked bemused at my partners little petty comments about minding the baby. There's just so much frustration and anger there, and for the first time in my life, my mother turned to me with a look as if to say "what are u doin with this absolute thick?!".

The creepiest thing is that we can go from an argument, with shouting and anger, and then my partner will talk to the baby with what seems like genuine happiness, but it must be put on for the baby's sake. I'll even get evil looks while they're holding the baby and they'll instantly switch to happy mode. Tbh it's creepy and a little scary.

There's a history of depression there and I think it's back, due to the sleepless nights. At least I think it's depression. I have no experience there. There's a definite sadness, as well as frustration and anger. Although when we visit the in-laws, you'd think we're the perfect happy couple. It's like a switch is flipped.

Tbh I can't handle this. I don't want to break up as I want the baby to have a mother and father. But I don't wanna be around my partner at all. It's so depressing!!! We're also sale agreed on a house so I'm not sure if I should pull out. Either way I reckon we'll be moving out of our current rented place by the summer. I still maintain hope that we can "fix" this but I'm not sure what damage has been done, both with ourselves and my family.

Every waking moment, I just think about my partners anger and I go to sleep every night thinking about it. I woke up this morning and just thought "this isn't right. We need a counsellor". One of us will snap soon and either jump off a bridge or throw the other one off a bridge!! So can anyone give me advice.

I badly need a good counsellor as well. Probably both a relationship counsellor as well as one that deals with depression and anger!!! Either Dublin City Centre or else maybe Southwest Dublin.

I know I could have just asked for a phone number or whatever but I needed to vent.

Loveinapril

You don't say if your partner is male or female. This is a really important factor as if your partner has given birth, then this behaviour is likely to be due to the hormonal changes that brings. I have a 6 week old and have never felt less myself than I have since my little fella came along. The hormonal changes are unreal. If your partner is female, then this could be post natal depression. Men can also suffer with this but obviously it is less to do with the hormones.

Have you spoken to them about their behaviour? That should certainly be the first thing you do. They may not realise their behaviour is impacting you so severely.

whiskeyman

Your post is so sad.
You mention very little, if at all, happiness now and before the baby.
In not sure if anything here can really be fixed.
Was it ever good between you?
I'd seriously reconsider buying a house until this is sorted, if indeed it can.
I'm going to presume you are the mother - and you need as much support as possible, not the opposite.
If it's not there, touch need to question why you are in this relationship. Do not stay with someone for the sake of the child. This will not work given the toxicity that exists. You're best to end it IMO.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, which gender is your partner and can you tell us more about what life was like before the baby?

LegacyUser

Ye I know. I was purposely trying to avoid gender as I wanted to avoid any potential bias.

I'm the male, she's the female. I rang the HSE after I posted this. They said contact the hospital or her GP.
I'll do that tomorrow.

BUT...i still don't know if it's postnatal or if we just need couples counselling.

Like she complains about me not pulling my weight, which I admit is true, but I'm working so she does the night feeds. I obviously can't breastfeed either. Any attempt I make to help out is shot down with abuse, eg I'm too slow to dress/change the baby or I'm cooking wrong so she gets frustrated and just says "here get out of the way and let me do it!!". This has gotten to the point where I actually want to be a parent but she's not letting me. I change nappies as much as I can but that's a couple of times per month!!! It's embarrassing telling people this! Sometimes I'll get up early Saturday morning while she has a lie in, just so I can get practice changing a nappy!! I actively ask her can I feed the baby, now that we're on solids, and she let's me sometimes. Not tonight though. I asked multiple times. Apparently she told me to change a nappy before she got fed but I misheard her and then she gave out to me for not doing it! I kept saying sorry but she was angry and then wouldn't let me hold the baby. She's in putting her to bed now. I feel like I'm being pushed out. She keeps saying I'm useless and she doesn't need me. If I'm holding the baby and she gets angry, she'll take her off me. It's disheartening.

She's back to work this month so she said that's playing on her mind. We're gonna try ween her onto bottles so we can share the feeds.

I have spoken to her multiple times about her behaviour. She doesn't listen. She REALLY doesn't like anyone pointing out she's made a mistake or, heaven forbid, she's wrong so any time I attempt to bring it up, it starts a fight followed by hours of silent treatment. We haven't spoken since new years eve. Well except just now when she told me to f*** off and sleep on the sofa tonight coz she thought I was playing on me phone, as I write this.

She's just so stressed. Like surely this can't be normal?? She's at her worst at night, tryin to get the baby asleep because she always wants her mammy! Another example, she's giving her calpol now and I went over to help and she took the calpol out of my hand and walked away with it. She wouldn't let me help at all! It's so demoralising!!

And what's worse is, she'll get over it tomorrow maybe and she'll be nice for ten minutes and I'll forget everything about her behaviour. It's the same pattern for ten years!! She even has a a lasagne half made there for me without telling me. That's shows there's still feelings there so that gives me hope. Or else I'm just being delusional.

LegacyUser

Life before the baby was a very watered down version of it now. She always had a temper but it was manageable, and there was breaks in between. Now it's constant anger and abuse. She could never handle stress though. At least before she was polite to my family.

I suppose I should have ended it years ago. I'd be happy now with a simply cordial relationship tbh.

Neyite

When anger can be directed at a particular person - for example, you - but not at her baby/ mum /health visitor then it's not an anger that is irrational or comes out of nowhere that a person can't control it. They can control it perfectly. And aim it perfectly.

Firstly, get counselling alone. Couple counselling where one party is controlling or abusive is not recommended. Nobody except a medical professional can tell you that it's PND but if she's able to switch it on and off like that, well I wouldn't be so confident this is the explanation.

If you get a few sessions you might be able to straighten out your thoughts on it, and if she's also recognising that she needs help and gets it, then couple counselling might be an option.

Ruby31

I was only listening to a podcast on Newstalk (Alive and Kicking show) where a lady who works for Amen was being interviewed. You should have a listen.

Unanimous

OP I am glad you finally told us your gender and I think you have a bit of hope since she is the one doing this.
The baby must have taken a toll on her but besides that, there's underlying behavioural issues. If she really loves you, she should be afraid to loose you, so it's either she thinks she can never loose you or she doesn't care much.
I commend you for not reacting or treating her the way she deserves because she could have used that as a reason to justify her attitude.
Seek a counsellor and all but I just want to assure you that you are the kind of partner a woman would pray for. It is so unfortunate that people treat good things carelessly till they loose it.

Please seek counselling for the sake of the baby. She may be nice to the baby now but she may not be able to be nice in the long run.
My mom though not exactly the same was one to feel rage and take it on her three children at that time and we ended hot tempered. she gave us silent treatment and kept malice with us and we somehow took a bit of the attitude.
I kind of have tendencies of acting same way as your wife does and withdraw from people especially when they are making effort. But when they don't make effort, I justify my Attitude.
Funny thing is that my dad wasn't the kind to be pushed around so she would take it out on us because she knew my dad won't take it.
I love her anyway but the love is sweeter because all her children are far from her now and so she is the sweetest and caring mum ever. But my friends knew her back then. I even feel embarrassed when they ask about her because I have forgotten all she has done but they still remember cos I and my sister were the girls that would always come and cry about our mum.

Please seek counselling. She needs to know that no one has to be the one trying to do things to create a loving atmosphere while she sits there finding faults and tearing it down.
I hope for the best for you.

LegacyUser

Ruby31 wrote: »

I was only listening to a podcast on Newstalk (Alive and Kicking show) where a lady who works for Amen was being interviewed. You should have a listen.

Wow, unreal!! I'm being abused so! I can't believe it! At least according to their definition. That hits so close to home!
All except the violence and threats that I can't leave because she'll say I did something to the child.
The rest of it is spot on though.
Like I have no free will (if that's the word). Like doing basic tasks I ask her first. It's one of the things she gives out to me about. She says "you're a grown man! Can you not think for yourself??" but I suppose I see her as the boss and ask her everything first. Like I need permission to change the baby or go for a shower. FML.

I took down the number of that crowd so will give them a ring when I can. Hopefully tomorrow. Though I'm a bit hesitant because it'll make it all "real" then. I'm starting to feel I'm over dramatising this.
I also plan on phoning the GP. The baby has another round of injections coming up so I'll ring the GP discreetly and ask if she can give her a mental "once over" while she's there. If I can do it without her finding out, that'll be ideal coz I know I'll get am earful of she knew I was doing any of this.

Thanks.

Ps, link to podcast:
newstalk.com/podcasts/Alive_and_Kicking/Alive_And_Kicking/210586/Amen__supporting_men_experiencing_domestic_abuse.

Emme

OP if the behaviour started after the baby was born you could justify her behaviour as post-natal depression. She may indeed have post-natal depression but she seemed to treat you badly before this. Get counselling for yourself and also talk to AMEN. You need to keep yourself and the child safe.

Dr Crayfish

You say it's been like this for 10 years? She sounds like an absolute nightmare of a person. I have a good friend who split with his partner when their baby was about 6 months old, they weren't getting on at all, and it worked out fine, they share custody now and all parties seem happy. Is this an option for you?
I don't think being a mother is excuse for this kind of abuse.

bobsman

OP, she sounds abusive to be honest. It appears she may have had issues with depression in the past and she may well have PND after the birth of your daughter. However, if she is not going to acknowledge this, you have a major problem.

Have you tried to have a discussion with her? Not easy, with a small baby but a frank discussion is needed here.

silverharp

a good idea might be to stay with your parents for a couple of weeks, I'd find it difficult to think straight under those conditions. Also do pull out of the house purchase, it will give you more options. Your mother sounds like she knows whats what so open up to her if you havnt already.
You only get one life and this isn't anywhere near normal behaviour also once your kid is older they will pick up on this toxic vibe in the house so staying for the child might not be the best solution.

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LegacyUser

I phoned the HSE live line last night who said contact her GP. So I rang the GP this morning who said they're actually the GP for the baby so can't help me at all. But she doesn't really have a GP so I'm at a loss now.

I might try the hospital where she gave birth.

Also, she has had a history of depression, but that was before we met. Apparently it was bad. Very bad...

I did try talk to her but she's said it's purely that she's going back to work, and the idea of leaving the baby is killing her. I'd imagine theres some truth to that, rather than it being a convenient cover for a larger issue.

The whole thing with the house is killing me. It's a risk that I'll probably take, unfortunately. Our current place is a death trap for a toddler so we HAVE to move ASAP.
It's a nice house and with prices going up by the week, we won't be able to afford one if we patch things up in a few months. This one is perfect. I'm thinking of the worst comes to worst, we can just sell it. I will admit that I'm blinded by the fact that I want this house very much. Also, the last time we were happy together was when we got sale agreed and spent time planning our kitchen etc. So maybe that'll help bring her our of her funk.

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Ursus Horribilis

OP, please ring Amen ASAP. I fear you're not going to. You're minimising her behaviour and relying on a diagnosis of Post Natal Depression to solve everything. Please call before you make any big decisions.

LirW

Ring the hospital where she gave birth.
When I had my booking appointment, they assess if you had to deal with depression before. I had one depressive episode in my life, many years ago, it was noted down and they gave me the card of the psychiatric nurse of the hospital. Get this number and ring her and it might be a good thing to get in touch with the Public health nurse too.

Pull out of the purchase. You're about to make the biggest financial commitment of your life and things aren't good in your partnership and I take that in the back of your head you know that there is uncertainty. If things go tits up and you go ahead with the purchase, the chances that you as the man in the relationship will find yourself f'd over is quite high. Do not make this commitment of hundreds of thousands in debt in this case.

And last but not least, ring AMEN.

LegacyUser

I tried called Amen there. No answer. Tried ten times. Obviously they're short handed.

I also called the hospital and they said they only deal with mothers until 6 weeks. Said to call the GP. But she has no GP!!

My last hope now is to see if I can get the public health nurse who was visiting us after we took the baby home. She did a few follow up calls, as I don't think I'll be able to get her to go to a GP. She's very stubborn!

LirW

She has to go back to the PHN when the baby is around 7 months old, is there any chance that you can come with her?

Sunny Dayz

SuchAnger wrote: »

I also called the hospital and they said they only deal with mothers until 6 weeks. Said to call the GP. But she has no GP!!

Surely she has a GP? Did she not have GP visits while she was pregnant? I know it's a few years since I had a child but about half of my pre-natal care was through the local GP, not the hospital.

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Dr Crayfish

Why are you doing all this? Should she not be the one getting help?

LegacyUser

Well she won't seek help. She attempted suicide before we met so if I don't do anything and she doesn't do anything, then who knows what will happen, regardless of how anything else plays out.

Now that I think of it, obviously, she does have a GP from the pregnancy but it's in town near her job, as it was handier while she was working. Completely forgot about that.

She's put up a shell and won't listen to me the last few days. I'm trying to broach the subject with her now about going to a GP in the morning, but I can't even start a conversation. We gave the baby a bath there and she wouldn't let me help. The last time she was angry at me and bathed her alone, she nearly dropped her. I had to be demanding and tell her I was helping with the bath as it wasn't safe. So at least she let me help her this time.

I wonder should I ask her tonight to come with me to the GP tomorrow morning (I'll go into work late), and we go up to the local one, or else ring her GP from the pregnancy in the morning and try get her in on Monday after she's back to work and will be nearer?

December2012

I’m going to give you different advice to supplement the spot on advice you’ve been given up thread, just so you have more ideas.

1, Is there any point in talking to her mother or her family?
2. Can you do more parenting? At the weekend, get up early every morning so your partner can sleep in at least, or have some time to herself?
3. Can you take the baby out for a walk by themselves?
4. Maybe do some research on parenting forums or Facebook groups. Particularly if the baby is being breastfed you might get general tips and ideas. Obviously there is boards parebting forum, there are also rollercoaster, gentle parenting Ireland, etc.
5. Buying a house is very stressful
6. Why does she think she’s cranky?
7. If appropriate, do go for relationships counselling. You may be able to bring the baby to the appointment if they are sleeping, or maybe this is something that the family can help with for babysitting
8. Do you have any dates? Any fun without the baby?
9. How is your and her diet? Are you eating too much salt, sugar, alcohol, etc that could affect your blood sugar and make either of you agitated?
10. Do you feel safe? If not, leave!
11. Is your baby safe?
12. Do you praise the things she is good at? Could you do some of the things she wants done quicker?
13. Do you love each other?
14. Was the baby planned? Were there conception difficulties? Traumatic delivery?

Please don’t think I am approving of her behaviour, I am not. I can tell you that she has had hormones raging around her body for 15 months and it tajes a very very long time to recover from having a baby. It could be post natal depression, exhaustion, post trauma, or it could be simple bad habits.

It’s a new year. Time for a new relationship, maybe with each other, or maybe not, but not like it is now.

njs030

Very good posts but one thing I'll say is do not buy a house without seeing a solicitor on your own first.
You may not be able to just sell it and walk away as it's your child's home and you could be caught.

Just see the solicitor quietly before doing anything further about it.

Dial Hard

December2012 wrote:

Please don’t think I am approving of her behaviour, I am not. I can tell you that she has had hormones raging around her body for 15 months and it tajes a very very long time to recover from having a baby. It could be post natal depression, exhaustion, post trauma, or it could be simple bad habits.

All well and good, except for the part where her extremely questionable behaviour predates her pregnancy by over a decade.

Emme

Reading through this thread I am saddened at how difficult it is to get help in Ireland.

Her baby's GP won't help.
AMEN can't answer the phone because they are too busy.
The hospital won't help because the baby is too old.

This is why there are so many tragic situations in this country with people asking "well why didn't they ask for help?" So many people ask for help but there is none.

I read through the thread again and the situation of your wife having to go back to work this month isn't helping and it will make things much worse if you don't get things sorted now.

I hope you and your wife find the help you need, OP.

Bambi985

Me too Emme. OP I am so sorry for your predicament and outraged on your behalf. For fcuk sake like, half the battle is actually picking up the phone and then to get absolutely stone-walled by these so-called health professionals?

Would it be worth calling the baby's GP and telling them that your wife doesn't have her own GP and you are very worried about her? Do you personally have your own GP you could approach about it? Can you remember any previous GPs she would have visited down through the years, perhaps to fill a birth control prescription or to get her anti-depressants back when she suffered with depression? And what about getting back on the HSE line and telling them that the baby's GP won't help so what do they suggest?

Hope things improve for you soon.

Ghekko

No point wondering about which gp to go to until she agrees to go. She's due to go back to work soon but chances are she'll end up 10 times worse trying to juggle work and home life and she'll crack with you in the firing line once again. If she does go to her own gp and allows you to accompany her she may well get signed off for another while. In that time she'd need to try and sort herself by actively accepting help (that includes medical help, counselling and allowing you and others to help with the baby). She is on a rocky road and needs to break the cycle of thinking only she can take care of baby. You cannot continue to walk on eggshells around her. I would seriously put the house purchase on hold. You will be very tied if you go through with it. And if things don't get any better for you both, she'll possibly end up living in it and you'll probably be out the door living in a dingy flat. Seek legal advice on your own, as suggested with regard to the house and also regards shared custody should you break up.

Ursus Horribilis

So she has been suicidal in the past, has been controlling and abusive to you during the relationship and has now amped up the rage. And yet you want to buy a house with her? Do you seriously think that she's going to undergo a personality transplant and turn into Pollyanna if she gets help? I bet your mum is sick to the stomach with worry about you. I bet she and the rest of your family have seen exactly what's going on from a distance and are worried and heartbroken. I don't know what your expectations from a relationship are but they surely can't have been as low as what you've come to accept. Let's not forget that earlier you acknowledged that you've been abused by her. Yet now all you can think about is post natal depression. You're minimising the bigger picture and you are burying your head in the sand.

December2012

Dial Hard wrote: »

All well and good, except for the part where her extremely questionable behaviour predates her pregnancy by over a decade.

Yeah that’s not on by her. But hell need to know that stuff whether or not he is separated from her or together

DeltaWhite

Coming from a woman: no way would I buy a house with her. I see so many threads on here about men who have to leave their home and try find somewhere else to live and still paying a mortgage on the home. If you know she's like this now, you will be kicking yourself in years to come if she decides she wants you out.

I would 100% back out of that sale if possible. Unless she shows shes serious about getting mental help, i think that is your safest option here.

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Dr Crayfish

I would imagine if he told her he doesn't want to buy the house there'll be an absolute sh*tstorm of biblical proportions from this woman by the sounds of things, so maybe that's why he's just going along with it. Walking on egg shells is no way to live.

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LynnGrace

"Every waking moment I think about my partners anger and I go to sleep every night thinking about it. I woke up this morning and just thought "this isn't right. We need a counsellor". One of us will snap soon...!"

OP, just read that back. That is no way for any one to live, it really isn't.
A house is only a house. Seriously. I know that is easy to say. But this is your life. And you only get one go at it. Lots of good advice already given so I won't say anymore.

Please, please talk to someone today, a family member, a good friend, a medical professional.

LegacyUser

Well I rang AMen there for a chat and they were nice. Basically said to contact her GP and public health nurse. She was with a GP in town during the pregnancy for combined care, which I'd forgotten about so I rang them and the receptionist basically couldn't acknowledge anything in case I'm some Nigerian Prince trying to steal her identity. The best I got was that she'd just pass on a message to her GP. I'm hoping they'll call her and get her in on Monday when she's back to work.
I got the public health nurse phone number from the HSE website. The numbers changed and they gave another number to call but nobody is answering. It's like pulling teeth...

After the AMen chat I feel I want to break up with her. I can't stay with this behaviour for the rest of my life. I'll cave in though if she makes clear signs that she's getting help. I suppose I've had feelings over the years about breaking up. But who else would have her? I'd hate to see her a lonely old spinster. At least the (rare) physical side is real good, but they say it's always the crazy ones!

I'm down from 100% adamant of going through with the house sale, down to about 90% sure. Yesterday I thought it was the end of the world if we pulled out. We were so excited about it for a few days before Xmas and all...

Dr Crayfish

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I know, but I mean he's probably terrified of taking the first step, because of the chaos that would ensue. I think he'll need a solid plan in place.

nikkibikki

It doesn't sound like she is ready to go back to work. It sounds like it'll add one more thing to what's stressing her out. Get her to the GP to see about getting signed off sick for another while. The woman is sick, she's not well at all. She might actually go if it'll mean she doesn't have to go back to work just yet.

Paddy Cow

SuchAnger wrote: »

Well she won't seek help. She attempted suicide before we met so if I don't do anything and she doesn't do anything, then who knows what will happen, regardless of how anything else plays out.

Now that I think of it, obviously, she does have a GP from the pregnancy but it's in town near her job, as it was handier while she was working. Completely forgot about that.

She's put up a shell and won't listen to me the last few days. I'm trying to broach the subject with her now about going to a GP in the morning, but I can't even start a conversation. We gave the baby a bath there and she wouldn't let me help. The last time she was angry at me and bathed her alone, she nearly dropped her. I had to be demanding and tell her I was helping with the bath as it wasn't safe. So at least she let me help her this time.

I wonder should I ask her tonight to come with me to the GP tomorrow morning (I'll go into work late), and we go up to the local one, or else ring her GP from the pregnancy in the morning and try get her in on Monday after she's back to work and will be nearer?

I'm not going to tell you not to buy a house with her because clearly you will. What I am going to tell you is that ringing amen, gp's, hospitals, counsellors etc is not going to do you any good. You cannot change or control her. You can only change yourself. You have to learn to stand up to her. Stop asking her permission to take care of your daughter. She is just as much your daughter as your partners. You are just as capable as she is, she's just had more practice.

It's not your fault that your partner is an angry person but if you are making a conscious decision to stay with her and buy a house with her, then you are responsible for that decision. People like your partner will walk all over someone if they sense weakness. There's no point trying to talk to her about this. She won't listen. You can't force her to go to counselling and medical professionals can't interfere when there is no treat to herself or the baby. The only thing you can do is learn to assert yourself. Hold your baby. If she tries to take her away, don't allow her. Feed and bath your baby when you feel like it, not when you are allowed. She will resist but once she realises she can't push you around she won't be such a b!tch to you.

It's going to be hard and she'll probably get worse before she gets better but you have to find a way to stand up to her. If you can't then you really should leave the relationship. As your self-esteem gets lower, her anger will increase and in another 10 years you'll be an empty shell of a man.

Ursus Horribilis

SuchAnger wrote: »

After the AMen chat I feel I want to break up with her. I can't stay with this behaviour for the rest of my life. I'll cave in though if she makes clear signs that she's getting help. I suppose I've had feelings over the years about breaking up. But who else would have her? I'd hate to see her a lonely old spinster. At least the (rare) physical side is real good, but they say it's always the crazy ones!

You can have a good life without her and you deserve it. Before you met her, what was your idea of a good relationship? Surely it didn't involve walking on eggshells, being psychologically abused, being screamed at and being nearly celibate. Why are you selling yourself so short?

Also, you're not giving much thought to the sort of home you're giving that poor innocent daughter of yours. Children learn from the behaviour of mum and dad. Your daughter runs the risk of either becoming as vile an abuser as her mother. Or she'll be attracted to men who treat her like dirt.

It's easy for us to say you should walk away from the house purchase because of the housing market that's out there right now. You will be ruining your life if you buy that house and people aren't telling you that for the craic. We see what's going on here because we're not emotionally involved. In terms of backing out of a houses purchase, you can do it right up until contracts are signed. The estate agent is obliged to return your booking deposit.

I think you should quietly book some counselling for yourself asap and don't do anything about the house in the meantime.

Oh, and if she ends up as a spinster, that'll be on her head. You're supposed to be her equal partner in a loving relationship. Not a white knight. If this relationship ends (and I hope it does), it's all her fault. She chose to be horrible and she deserves the consequences of that.

LegacyUser

So am I supposed to leave her because she's sick?
What if it was a physical illness like she lost a leg and was stuck in a wheelchair?

I understand the advice given to me about leaving her, and like I said already, I'm seriously considering it. But what if she can be treated and go back to being manageable? She never got treatment the whole time we were together. Maybe if she does, she'll be the perfect partner!!

Ghekko

Aw please think of yourself first and foremost. Whether she ends up a lonely spinster won't be your fault. You have to put your feelings before her now. You and your baby deserve better. Please get legal advice about joint custody. You could possibly have your child 50% of the time and not have to pay maintenance. She'll be back at work so can fund herself. If you go ahead with the house however, you will end up tied into a mortgage with her and you'll be liable for that even when you do end up leaving. Please try to see the bigger picture here and stop feeling sorry for her. She doesn't deserve your consideration right now if she's unwilling to get help.

Dial Hard

SuchAnger wrote:

I suppose I've had feelings over the years about breaking up. But who else would have her? I'd hate to see her a lonely old spinster. At least the (rare) physical side is real good, but they say it's always the crazy ones!

Seriously OP, these are the worst reasons ever to stay with anyone let alone an abusive partner like your girlfriend.

I'm not sure you really have the slightest idea of how disordered that kind of thinking even is, and it's because your perception of what's normal in a relationship is so skewed at this stage.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Also, you're not giving much thought to the sort of home you're giving that poor innocent daughter of yours.

This exactly. OP I grew up in a household with a mother who was exactly like your partner-a permanently angry, emotionally abusive woman. I have vivid recollections of being a very small child and those awful feelings of being constantly on edge waiting for her next irrational outburst, when something upset her! That state of constant anxiety really took its toll on me even when away from home for a few hours, because I knew for sure something else would be wrong as soon as I got back. Again someone who never took any responsibility for her own actions and had no concern for the misery she caused others. I literally never knew how to relax until I left home for good. Even as an adult what I experienced as a child really affected me for many years, as have suffered for anxiety in the past.