Broke up with boyfriend - was it the right decision

Floricwil

Hi guys,

Im not 100% sure why I'm even writing this. I suppose to see if anyone has gone through something similar and can perhaps offer some words of wisdom.....

Basically, I broke up with my bf just before Xmas. We're both 34 and we had been together for just over 3 years. Everything in our relationship was great. Incredible in fact. He is such a great guy and honestly, I couldn't have imagined better for myself. Our personalities just clicked. We love each other dearly.

The reason I broke up with him is the lack of progress in our relationship. When we met, we were both renting. Meeting up/sleepovers weren't a problem. A year or so into the relationship, we both moved home as both our rents had increased by huge amounts. Living with your parents in your 30s is far from ideal but if we ever wanted to have the money for a deposit we needed to start saving our rents. It was tough on the relationship but to be honest, we made it work and fast forward 2 years we both had enough for a deposit. At this point, the relationship was still great. We'd gone from strength to strength over the whole time we'd been together.

About 3 months ago though, he told me that he wanted us to live together in rented accommodation together before buying. We've all heard the saying if you want to know me, come live with me. And I agree with the sentiment to a certain degree but in this case, I just wanted us to go for it and buy our own place. The way I saw it, we'd been together 3 years, we knew each other, we loved other. Plus if we got a rented place, chances are we'd be tied to it for a years lease. And after each of us living with our parents for the past few years, I just wanted our place. I wanted us to pick paints, furniture, decor etc together and to make our home together. In a rented place, that is all done for you.

We talked and talked and talked about it and eventually I relented. He wasn't budging and if it was that important to him, I thought, ok I'll rent for a year so he is entirely comfortable with the decision to buy with me

So we start viewing properties (ones which I found and organised the viewings for) and there was something wrong with every one of them. He made excuses as to why he couldn't attend some other viewings. Eventually he tells me is not ready to move in move in with me at all. He wants to continue saving at home with his parents and use the deposit to buy an investment property or set up his own business. He also that once we moved in, after a few months, I would be looking for us to start buying together and he didn't want that. If we bought, the next step would be a child, and again he felt he wasn't ready to be a parent in the foreseeable future. This was devastating to me.

After thinking about it and talking some more with him, I decided to end it. Our goals and what we want just don't seem compatible with each other. I could have stayed with him but I'd just be hoping and waiting for him to change his mind. We were both devastated at the breakup of the relationship.

Seven days on, I just feel incredibly sad and low. I miss him so much. In my sadness, my instinct is to turn to him but obviously I can't. I think about him all the time. I just find it hard to believe I will potentially never see him again. Everywhere I go, I see some connection to him or I remember some memory we shared together. The fact that I'm 34 and living with parents really isn't helping my mood.

At the time, I felt like it was the right decision and I took some comfort in that. But now, I'm wondering did I make the right decision at all. I just can't see myself ever meeting anyone else. It's quite possible I will end up childless anyway. Would it not be better be childless and with someone I love than childless and alone? I counteract that with well if my life doesn't turn out how I want it, at least that's just how the cookie crumbled, no one was preventing me from having the life I wanted.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, my head and thoughts are all over the place.

Ursus Horribilis

Floricwil wrote: »

Would it not be better be childless and with someone I love than childless and alone? .

I'm not sure you'd still have got the guy if you remained childless. He really slammed the car into reverse once the time came to commit. I can understand why he wanted ye to rent first but when you read it alongside everything else, it screams if a man terrified of committing. I don't think you had any choice but to end this. If you'd stayed together cracks would have emerged anyway. Unless he has a change of heart and realises what he has lost, the pair of you want very different things.

Rekop dog

I don't think it's a difference in goals it's sounds like he just wasn't that into you tbh and couldn't muster up the courage to end it himself.

I was on his side reading with regards to renting before living together but then when you relented on that he came up with another excuse to not want to live with you the red flags start to fly. I really think if someone in that situation is really in love with you they would jump at the opportunity to live together, especially after a few gruelling years saving and living with parents.

You definitely made the right choice as hard as it may have been to do. You gave him ample time to piss or get off the pot but did neither so its time to move forward and find someone who'd find living with you a no brainer. Stay strong.

MissShihTzu

I know it's going to be tough for you, OP. Of course you'll miss him - only natural.

Thank God, you never went through and bought with him. Believe me, you got away light, although you won't see that now. I did that, and my then boyfriend never moved in, left me with the mortgage and bills, and it cost a fortune in money, pain and aggro to get rid. The ***** even tried to rob me, even though my name was on the deeds...

If after four years you weren't living together, and no plans for commitment made, then it was never going to happen. Sad but true.

New year, new start. Reach for the stars!

Things will get better. Trust me on that.

Another day

100% correct to end it. If for no other reason than you spending the rest of your days compromising with someone who doesn't give an inch. As someone else said this guy has a fear of commitment or had realised you were not the 'one' and took the chickens way out.

Take some of your savings and treat yourself to a holiday.....

bobsman

Sorry you are going through this OP. What was his reaction when you finished it? You don't deserve to settle. He has had plenty of time to figure out what he wants. 7 days is such a short time and this is a **** time of year. When you get back into a work routine, you'll start to feel better x

wirelessdude01

How did he react? That tells alot.

mojesius

Agree with other posters that you made the right decision. He's not on the same wavelength as you, it wouldn't have made you happy either in the short or long term.

34 is still young, try not to worry about missing out on a family as you don't know what's down the road for you yet. I agree that booking a nice holiday for yourself would be a nice thing to do.

I know you probably can't think straight right now and your heart must be in pieces, it will get better with time and space. Be kind to yourself.

PARlance

Floricwil wrote: »

The reason I broke up with him is the lack of progress in our relationship.

My male alarm bells are ringing... progress.

Floricwil wrote: »

About 3 months ago though, he told me that he wanted us to live together in rented accommodation together before buying. We've all heard the saying if you want to know me, come live with me. And I agree with the sentiment to a certain degree

That's a big, positive move from him. He wanted to move in with you. You have both been saving for deposits, another positive. He wanted to take a sensible approach before making a massive commitment. It is a massive commitment.

Floricwil wrote: »

but in this case, I just wanted us to go for it and buy our own place. The way I saw it, we'd been together 3 years, we knew each other, we loved other. Plus if we got a rented place, chances are we'd be tied to it for a years lease. And after each of us living with our parents for the past few years, I just wanted our place. I wanted us to pick paints, furniture, decor etc together and to make our home together. In a rented place, that is all done for you.

We talked and talked and talked about it and eventually I relented. He wasn't budging and if it was that important to him, I thought, ok I'll rent for a year so he is entirely comfortable with the decision to buy with me

But it seems that you freaked him out. The fact that you had to talk and talk and talk before you could agree to renting, the obvious next step. Now he's freaked out by everthing.

You've only been going out 3 years. He mightn't want to make progress as fast as you but he did want to move things forward.
Would he have needed a little encouragement to progress again? (Like most males) probably, but he was going the right way. It's not as if this guy has been stringing you along. It was all very good, it just wasn't happening fast enough for you. He started to kick back after he was most likely a bit feeaked out.

Had you discussed what you both may want out of life in the next 5 years before this?
If it's all about making progress. Do you think you'll find someone new that you love and have bought a house with them, in the next 12-24 months?

I'm sorry, but I think you've made a huge mistake. It seems like a really good relationship to have ended.

I would talk to him. Tell him that renting is the sensible approach but also explain why you wanted to skip it. If certain things have you feeling pressurised, tell him. If he wants the same things as you then I wouldn't let a difference of a year or two get in the way.

ahnow

Ah god OP, you poor thing. You absolutely made the right decision, his actions scream commitment phobe. I think in time you will come to see this clearly. It’s a very cruel way of behaving especially toward a woman in her thirties, I’ve been through it myself, and the selfishness of it really takes a long time to get over. He should have been up front with you a long time ago.
Dont doubt your decision. You deserve someone jumping at the chance to build a life with you.

ahnow

Sorry, but going out with someone for three years is plenty of time to figure out if you want to move forward with some sort of future with them.

PARlance wrote: »

My male alarm bells are ringing... progress.



That's a big, positive move from him. He wanted to move in with you. You have both been saving for deposits, another positive. He wanted to take a sensible approach before making a massive commitment. It is a massive commitment.



But it seems that you freaked him out. The fact that you had to talk and talk and talk before you could agree to renting, the obvious next step. Now he's freaked out by everthing.

You've only been going out 3 years. He mightn't want to make progress as fast as you but he did want to move things forward.
Would he have needed a little encouragement to progress again? (Like most males) probably, but he was going the right way. It's not as if this guy has been stringing you along. It was all very good, it just wasn't happening fast enough for you. He started to kick back after he was most likely a bit feeaked out.

Had you discussed what you both may want out of life in the next 5 years before this?
If it's all about making progress. Do you think you'll find someone new that you love and have bought a house with them, in the next 12-24 months?

I'm sorry, but I think you've made a huge mistake. It seems like a really good relationship to have ended.

I would talk to him. Tell him that renting is the sensible approach but also explain why you wanted to skip it. If certain things have you feeling pressurised, tell him. If he wants the same things as you then I wouldn't let a difference of a year or two get in the way.

AnneFrank

Sounds like you backed him into a corner to me, you said he's a great guy, why pressure with nagging. Just my opinion I could easily be wrong! Good luck

Purple Mountain

AnneFrank wrote: »

Sounds like you backed him into a corner to me, you said he's a great guy, why pressure with nagging. Just my opinion I could easily be wrong! Good luck

Because they are in their mid 30s and together 3 years!

PARlance

ahnow wrote: »

Sorry, but going out with someone for three years is plenty of time to figure out if you want to move forward with some sort of future with them.

Think you may have missed the part when HE suggested that they live together, by renting for a year (before buying).
SHE wanted to jump straight in and buy a house without having lived together which is pure nonsense imo.

jimbobaloobob

The hard lesson in life is not to sell yourself short on your dreams. I think you made the right choice and besides for any possible children in the future you want to aim for the best for them. No one needs the turmoil of a break up in years to come. Time will allow you to see things better. Be proud you make your own choices.

rainbowtrout

PARlance wrote: »

You've only been going out 3 years. He mightn't want to make progress as fast as you but he did want to move things forward.

Actually he didn't. You conveniently skipped the paragraph where the OP explained all of that.

• He didn't want to rent with her.
• He didn't want to buy with her now.
• He didn't want to buy with her in the forseeable future as he wants to buy an investment property or start a business with the money.
• He has insinuated that if he moves in with her, that she will be pressuring him to buy which he doesn't want to do, and have a child which he doesnt' see himself doing anytime soon.

The OP has a right to want these things from her relationship, as much as her ex has the right not to want them. She made her plans based on what they had decided two years ago - that they would move home to save a deposit. He made a U-turn on that decision when the time came. He suggested renting instead. The OP agreed to that, which then he flaked out on also.


OP, I think you've made the right decision, despite how hard it might feel right now. Regardless of the future plans of buying a house together or having children, he doesn't want to commit to living with you now, and is making excuses that it would only lead to more expectations of further commitment that he's not willing to give. It's not easy to start again, but there's no point staying with someone who doesn't want the same things as you.

ahnow

Nope, read that part, also read the part where once she agreed with him he did everything in his power to put the stops on even renting.

PARlance wrote: »

Think you may have missed the part when HE suggested that they live together, by renting for a year (before buying).
SHE wanted to jump straight in and buy a house without having lived together which is pure nonsense imo.

LegacyUser

Are you sure he has the deposit saved, sounds a bit suss that he suddenly has eyes set on spending his money elsewhere!?

neonsofa

PARlance wrote: »

Think you may have missed the part when HE suggested that they live together, by renting for a year (before buying).
SHE wanted to jump straight in and buy a house without having lived together which is pure nonsense imo.

Previous to his suggestion of renting together he was supposedly happy with their plan to buy together until it came time to actually buy.

He then suggested renting as a delay tactic. He made more excuses when it came to the point of actually doing that.

Bit of a pattern with the guy.

Ursus Horribilis

I think the posters who feel she scared him off when he suggested renting could have a point. Was her stubbornness and unwillingness to take his opinion on board a turning point? Re-reading that paragraph, she does come across a bit like someone who's wearing blinkers. If we take the comment about "talking and talking and talking" at face value, it took a hell of a lot of effort on his behalf for her to change her mind. Did this show him a new side to her personality? Is she normally this stubborn and bossy and did the scales fall off his eyes? Who knows? It might be worth having one last talk with him to try and get to the bottom of what happened. Why did moving in with her and having a family suddenly become so scary to him?

rainbowtrout

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think the posters who feel she scared him off when he suggested renting could have a point. Was her stubbornness and unwillingness to take his opinion on board a turning point? Re-reading that paragraph, she does come across a bit like someone who's wearing blinkers. If we take the comment about "talking and talking and talking" at face value, it took a hell of a lot of effort on his behalf for her to change her mind. Did this show him a new side to her personality? Is she normally this stubborn and bossy and did the scales fall off his eyes? Who knows? It might be worth having one last talk with him to try and get to the bottom of what happened. Why did moving in with her and having a family suddenly become so scary to him?

I think this is very unfair on the OP. The ex has kept moving the goalposts. Why should she be described as bossy and stubborn when the original agreement was to buy a house and then the ex backs out of that decision? She did agree to renting after talking to him, but he backed out of that too.

He has indicated that he has no intention of buying a house with her, or renting with her, so I don't see why she should be painted so negatively when he's not willing to make any sort of commitment to her.

MissShihTzu

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think the posters who feel she scared him off when he suggested renting could have a point. Was her stubbornness and unwillingness to take his opinion on board a turning point? Re-reading that paragraph, she does come across a bit like someone who's wearing blinkers. If we take the comment about "talking and talking and talking" at face value, it took a hell of a lot of effort on his behalf for her to change her mind. Did this show him a new side to her personality? Is she normally this stubborn and bossy and did the scales fall off his eyes? Who knows? It might be worth having one last talk with him to try and get to the bottom of what happened. Why did moving in with her and having a family suddenly become so scary to him?

Maybe it did. Maybe not. Who knows? I think maybe the OP was eager to push things along. But it has been three years. She was right to expect things to have moved forward.

But - I am not sure having a 'last talk' with him is the way forward either. If they got back together, it will never be the same. If he agrees to rent/buy, Boyfriend will likely feel resentful and hemmed in to do something he clearly does not want to do. If the OP agrees to back off the idea of moving in together, then SHE will be the resentful one as this would not be what she wanted or planned and will feel she sold herself short.

leggo

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think the posters who feel she scared him off when he suggested renting could have a point. Was her stubbornness and unwillingness to take his opinion on board a turning point? Re-reading that paragraph, she does come across a bit like someone who's wearing blinkers. If we take the comment about "talking and talking and talking" at face value, it took a hell of a lot of effort on his behalf for her to change her mind. Did this show him a new side to her personality? Is she normally this stubborn and bossy and did the scales fall off his eyes? Who knows? It might be worth having one last talk with him to try and get to the bottom of what happened. Why did moving in with her and having a family suddenly become so scary to him?

Yep, totally agree. I started having palpitations myself when I read the OP talk about how frustrated she was not to buy and how much of a hassle it was to rent. What's the rush? You're planning to spend a lifetime together, why are you trying to lock him down? It's a perfectly sensible move to want to live together for a year and yet, even in your OP, you made it sound like it was something you didn't want. That'd give me pause for thought, like you were worried if he lived with you he'd discover something and change his mind, unless he was locked into a mortgage. And then maybe he started to notice other little signs that it wasn't for him. It can also be very off-putting when you're with someone who has their goals set out like "Married by X-age, kids by Y" and you and the state of the relationship seem inconsequential because what actually matters is that they achieve their life goals by the imaginary time they set for themselves when they were an 18-year old child and you're just a pawn to achieve this.

I mean, this is one of those where I do genuinely see the OP's point, but I think if her ex was here posting his side then a lot would see his point too.

Truth is, though, we don't know. He could've just been a wuss who's afraid to grow up and the responsibility of moving in with someone scared him off, there's every chance of that. For all we know he could've had his head turned by someone else (no evidence of this OP, so please don't freak out by the suggestion, I'm just illustrating that anything is possible). Just as there's every chance the OP could've freaked him out.

If it's the latter, there might be a chance of reconciliation OP if you get to the bottom of why you felt that way and reach out ready to negotiate. If not, then see what advice here resonates and take it as a lesson. I hope you work it out, though, as I do empathise with the loss of what sounds like a good relationship.

Yellow pack crisps

Well he certainly knows what you want. Your answer will come in the form of whether he realizes if this is truly what he wants and thus fights for your shared future.

Oh and if he doesn’t it’s not the end of the world and life will go back to normal
One day and you might even realize your own dreams anyway.

neonsofa

leggo wrote: »

Yep, totally agree. I started having palpitations myself when I read the OP talk about how frustrated she was not to buy and how much of a hassle it was to rent. What's the rush? You're planning to spend a lifetime together, why are you trying to lock him down? It's a perfectly sensible move to want to live together for a year and yet, even in your OP, you made it sound like it was something you didn't want. That'd give me pause for thought, like you were worried if he lived with you he'd discover something and change his mind, unless he was locked into a mortgage. And then maybe he started to notice other little signs that it wasn't for him. It can also be very off-putting when you're with someone who has their goals set out like "Married by X-age, kids by Y" and you and the state of the relationship seem inconsequential because what actually matters is that they achieve their life goals by the imaginary time they set for themselves when they were an 18-year old child and you're just a pawn to achieve this.

I didn't read it that way because op said they both decided they'd save a deposit while living with parents- and they had both saved enough for a deposit- that to me would indicate that they had discussed buying together as a realistic goal they were both working towards, not a some day we might do that but let's play it by ear. It would be entirely natural for op to want to continue with what they had both agreed and worked towards. He had plenty of time while saving to bring up renting first. He waited until it was time to actually follow through on their original plan to bring up renting. If he had brought up the idea of renting originally or during the period of saving a deposit Id agree with your assessment but to me it reeks of cold feet when it came time to do what they had both agreed. Perhaps he agreed to it initially as he knew it'd give some breathing space but thats on him not op.

WildWater

There is a massive difference between going out with someone for three years in your early thirties than in your earlier twenties. I think by 34 with 3 years behind you anyone (M/F) is entitled to try and establish the longterm prospects. Once one partner does so, it is then decision time one way or the other. Unfortunately, for the OP what was on offer (if anything) was not what she wanted and it felt right, at least at the time, to end it. Otherwise she would not have done so.

OP none of us know if this is the right decision but there is a big difference between 'should I break up' vs 'did I do the right thing'. You did it and you had your reasons and I think you should trust yourself. Decision made, remorse is natural but IMO it time to move on.

Best wishes.

leggo

neonsofa wrote: »

I didn't read it that way because op said they both decided they'd save a deposit while living with parents- and they had both saved enough for a deposit- that to me would indicate that they had discussed buying together as a realistic goal they were both working towards, not a some day we might do that but let's play it by ear. It would be entirely natural for op to want to continue with what they had both agreed and worked towards. He had plenty of time while saving to bring up renting first. He waited until it was time to actually follow through on their original plan to bring up renting. If he had brought up the idea of renting originally or during the period of saving a deposit Id agree with your assessment but to me it reeks of cold feet when it came time to do what they had both agreed. Perhaps he agreed to it initially as he knew it'd give some breathing space but thats on him not op.

Yeah, but then again...we're allowed change our minds and feel differently in the moment. There's a gap between "Let's do this" and totally afraid of commitment. For example, people around me talk about saving for mortgages and I mumble in agreement when they do because I know it's something I will want one day and should be thinking about, but when you boil it down I'm not even nearly there mentally to do that and it's not something I want right now, and that's okay. Not one of my former partners would ever tell you I was afraid of commitment btw or anything close.

Purchasing a property is something you should be in no doubts about whatsoever (because if you're wrong you're stuck for 30 years), it's something that shouldn't be taken lightly and it's totally understandable to have reservations. In fact, if you're not giving it second thought (and third and fourth and fifth)...then frankly, YOU'RE the crazy person*. And when you're doing it with someone else then it should be something both people are 100% ready for. If one tries to push the other into doing so, I could absolutely see how it'd make the pushed partner feel like that person just wants to own a property and split the mortgage, which is the wrong reason to buy a home with someone else.

I'm not saying the OP is wrong btw or that my assessment is absolutely the case, I'm saying that there's more than one way of looking at the situation and the OP benefits more from hearing all possible sides than just the sympathetic one.

*I don't mean the OP or person I'm quoting is crazy here, just in general.

Estrellita

Floricwil wrote: »

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, my head and thoughts are all over the place.

Of course you aren't yourself, you just broke up with him after 3 years. The regret you are experiencing isn't real, you just miss him.

It's unfortunate, but you don't share the same goals anymore. You have goals, hopes and dreams just like anyone else, and you're entitled to them. If you sacrificed any of them just to get back together, you wouldn't be happy.

At your time of life and three years in, what you hoped for isn't unreasonable. I feel like you were strung along, and time was wasted on him. He didn't just invent the business idea over night. It's a shame he didn't let you know earlier his own goals had changed. I think asking you to rent was to satisfy your need to set up home with him. The equivalent of handing a broody woman a puppy.

You've done the right thing for yourself. Keep going and good luck.

Addle

Why were you do determined to buy with him OP?
Were you testing him?

tracey turnblad

Addle wrote: »

Why were you do determined to buy with him OP?
Were you testing him?

Obviously they had talked about a future together. Why would it be a test?

wirelessdude01

It is very rare these days to find a couple who go straight to the buying stage. To me it sounds like something the OP did and/or said totally freaked him out. There is a lot of difference between talking and doing and somewhere along the way this lad has got totally spooked.

Addle

tracey turnblad wrote: »

Obviously they had talked about a future together. Why would it be a test?

Maybe she doubted him, and has since been proven right.

LegacyUser

You were quite honest with him as regards how you wanted to proceed. In return, he lied & lied& lied again to you - until the very last minute when his back was against the wall& all his excuses had run out. The reality is-
He's just not ready.
He's just not *that* into you.
At aged 34, do you relent& give him another 3 years to mature/for you to win him over/ wear him down? Fcek that. He knows what he wants,& it's not you, & it's not a long-term life together.
You deserve to be wooed& to have honesty,& to be with someone who's ready to adult with you.

PARlance

neonsofa wrote: »

Previous to his suggestion of renting together he was supposedly happy with their plan to buy together until it came time to actually buy.

He then suggested renting as a delay tactic. He made more excuses when it came to the point of actually doing that.

Bit of a pattern with the guy.

Where does it say that he was happy with "their plan" to buy?

The OP quite clearly states that they both moved home because rents were too high. That is presented as a fact.

As a sidenote, she mentions that it was a move that would allow a deposit to be saved. This is presented as a by-product of living at home. There's no mention of a joint plan.

Maybe there was a definite plan but I doubt it very much. The OP tells us she broke up due to lack of "progress" not because he reneged on their plan.

He suggested renting because it is the logical next step. Even in the OP, it takes a meander before the OP concedes this.

The excuses only start after some lengthy discussions about renting for a year/buying immediately. Discussions that probably set off alarm bells for him imo.

He shouldn't be carrying on like that, but for me, he is clearly applying some breaks on the OP's progress plan. Again, her plan, no mention of a joint plan. From reading her post, it has lots of signs of someone panicing in their mid 30's.

If they are as perfect for each other as she clearly states, then I would at least advise an open talk to see if they want the same things within a timeframe that both are comfortable with.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be surprised if they hadn't had a joint plan for the future. It sounded like a good relationship right up until the wheels started coming off the wagon. They're in their 30s and that's the age when people tend to stop faffing about.

Cash_Q

I agree that OP did the right thing to end the relationship. He deflected time and time again. It'll take time to get over him but there's every chance of meeting someone new and realising your dream. Keep saving.

I'm surprised how many people are horrified that she would want to buy rather than rent. Renting is crazy at the moment; renting a 1 bed apartment costs significantly more than paying a mortgage on a 3 bed semi. Rent is dead money. Of course buying a house is a 30 year commitment but if you don't know your partner after 3 years when you're in your mid 30's then something is wrong. They both rented separately for their first year so would have a fair idea of how each other runs a home having stayed together a lot.

httpete

Cash_Q wrote: »

I agree that OP did the right thing to end the relationship. He deflected time and time again. It'll take time to get over him but there's every chance of meeting someone new and realising your dream. Keep saving.

I'm surprised how many people are horrified that she would want to buy rather than rent. Renting is crazy at the moment; renting a 1 bed apartment costs significantly more than paying a mortgage on a 3 bed semi. Rent is dead money. Of course buying a house is a 30 year commitment but if you don't know your partner after 3 years when you're in your mid 30's then something is wrong. They both rented separately for their first year so would have a fair idea of how each other runs a home having stayed together a lot.

I have been in two relationships before where we had been going out for about a year or two before moving in together, and I knew within a few days of moving in together that it was a mistake and wasn't going to work out. Good thing we were only renting and hadn't signed up to a 300K+ mortgage.

It is extremely risk to go straight to buying a house without living with a person first. Of course it can work out but anyone with a their heads screwed on should realise that just because it can work out doesn't guarantee that it will, and it is much more sensible to rent together for a year before considering buying. 1 year of renting is 'dead money' very well spent if it saves you being trapped with a massive mortgage.