Called me by her exs name

topwrite17

Hi everyone, just looking for some objective perspectives here I guess. I have bee with my girlfriend for a year now. I think we would both consider our relationship to be very good and solid now. The first few months of the relationship were difficult. She had just had a messy breakup and there were lots of loose ends to be tied up with the house, etc. She was afraid to tell me at the beginning that she was still in contact with her ex and sorting stuff out in case I thought she was too much hassle (this wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest, life is messy sometimes I totally get that) It all came to a head about 3 months into our relationship when I found out she had lied about being in contact with her ex. We talked about it and without a couple of weeks everything was sorted with the loose ends and all contact between them stopped. Since then our relationship has honestly come on leaps and bounds, she is open and honest about things and has always said that she feels so herself with me, that she doesn't feel like she has to hide anything from me cause she knows I'll always support her, etc. She genuinely seems really happy in our relationship and has been really looking forward to Christmas

Last weekend we were wrapping Christmas presents, chatting about Christmas, etc and I gave her a casual kiss on the shoulder. She had her back to me and said 'Thanks.... (exs same)'..... She followed it up with 'Thanks.... (pet name she uses for me)' ..... I was a bit taken aback but didn't say anything. I sat up and she noticed that I had gone a bit quiet. She asked what was wrong and then said that she had jumbled up two pet names she's uses for me (he does sometimes jumble them up to be fair) and that that's what I heard. She insists that she didn't call me her exs name. I am 95% percent sure that she did but I suppose there is the tiniest bit of doubt there in my mind that I misheard because she is so insistent.... Although I really don't think I did.

We talked about it last weekend and agreed to out it to bed and move on but it's just niggling away at me this week. I suppose two things worry me about it.... The first is if she did say her exs name is she still thinking about her ex in that way and the second thing that worries me is if she did say her exs name and is denying it so strongly are we back to where she was with her behaviour from 10/11 months ago. I love her very much and we get on so well together and I said she does seem genuinely be happy with us and has said she's never felt so happy and content in a relationship before but I suppose this is just niggling at me

Tigger99

I've accidentally called boyfriends my dad, my dog and my friends names. I probably called them by ex's names too but never noticed and they never brought it up. This is really a non issue.

bee06

My husband did this once about a year or so after we started going out. It never bothered me though because I saw it as just one of those weird brain things, kinda like a memory short circuit for a second. I once called my teacher Mom (super embarrassing!).

It sounds like ye have a great relationship. Don’t let something so small ruin it now.

njs030

It's a very minor thing that means nothing. Most of us have done it! It doesn't mean we still have feelings for the ex or are thinking of them at that time it's just a moment where the person is relaxed and the brain doesn't engage.... Don't make into an issue.
Just let it go and move on, your relationship sounds happy and that means more than a slip of the tongue.

liam7831

Get over yourself

ManOfMystery

You're overthinking this.

My mum sometimes calls me by my brother's name. My son once called me "mummy" before correcting himself. I've been called various names by any of the 200+ staff in my workplace (and I mean forenames, not "Arsehole!" or the like!!!).

To me, the brain is a bit like muscle memory - in certain situations, in certain conversations, it kinda goes into autopilot and before you know it, you're saying something that probably isn't totally in sync with what you're thinking. It could happen if you're distracted, if you're thinking about something else, if you're having a deja vu moment, etc. 

I think if your girlfriend was genuinely focused on her ex or thinking about him and hiding it from you, she would be making a huge effort to not say his name at all.

Neyite

liam7831 wrote: »

Get over yourself

Mod:

Liam, welcome to Personal Issues. It's an advice forum for people to reply civilly and constructively and to offer an OP solutions to their problem. Your post is of an unacceptable standard. Posts like this usually end up getting a warning or infraction.

baby and crumble

I seem to be having a reaction to the Christmas tree this year for some reason. Last night in bed I said "It's so weird though because I use products with pine oil in it so I don't see how I could be pregnant really".

I'm a lesbian.

My wife burst out laughing, I had no idea why. I have no recollection of swapping "allergic" for pregnant", like pregnancy is literally a non-starter in my life!!

I've also called my wife by exes names (guys, from when I was like, 15!!), my best friends names, I've called loads of other people by my wife name... it happens. It's genuinely not a big deal. It's not like it was in the middle of sex, where admittedly I'd struggle to let go of it.

TL;DR- people mix up words for no reason whatsoever.

Meauldsegosha

I've called my OH by the dogs name his dad's name, my dad's name and even an ex's name.

I usually do this when I'm stressed and up the wall trying to get something done or when I'm relaxed and my brain is chilled out.

It sounds like your girlfriend was happy, relaxed and contented wrapping presents and said it absent mindedly. Don't worry about it

topwrite17

Thanks for all your comments guys and for taking the time to read my post and reply. I know logically it's a little things, just needed some reassurance I guess lol. Thanks again guys, appreciate it 😊

Dixie Chick

You know, I actually nearly did this myself once or twice and I always dread I will. While it is not nice to hear, it is not conscious thing and she did not mean harm by it. it doesn't mean she is hung up on her ex. it doesn't mean she thinks you are a replacement for her ex. It just means that her brain had a slip. For your own sake draw a line under it, if you keep talking to her about it then it makes it a huge issue that it isn't and might end up with her being nervously cautious with her words then which I am sure you would not want.

leggo

Yeah this is another one of those problems that TV and movies tell you is a big deal to fill an episode with dramatic tension, but in real life it's not.

Even if he was on her mind, that's totally normal too, Christmas is an emotive time for people and I know my mind can drift back at times (and involuntarily) to happy Christmases past with exes if prompted. It doesn't mean I'm unhappy now or long for that again and I'm definitely okay about all of those relationships ending. We expect people to be perfect sometimes and never slip up, but they do, and as long as it's not actually harmful we should forgive that.

Bambi985

The name thing is a non-issue and pretty normal I'd say, what's not normal is the absolute insecurity you seem to feel in your relationship particularly when it comes to your girlfriend's ex. Obviously that's based on your experience of being lied to by her and having your trust in her eroded by that.

What can you do to get over these insecurities? Has she given you reason to believe her ex is still on her mind in the last 10 months? Or are you generally concerned because of how quick things started up with you two following her previous break-up?

MartyMcFly84

its a non issue. I have done the same. Once I said it 2/3 years after my old relationship had ended.

Your brain gets hardwired linking certain words/phases, or feelings and words together. If these patterns change its natural that the auto reply can be from a past time when those words were used in conjunction more regularly.

Example if you said "I love you Steve" for a long time. Then perhaps years later in a similar scenario with someone else a similar feeling is triggered and the first thing to come out is the old pathway. It often happens in a more relaxed scenario with less fully conscious thought to the words that are coming out.

People make a big deal of it. Its a knee jerk reaction as opposed to your partner thinking or fantasising they are with an old partner.

Iseedeadpixels

Nothing to worry about OP it happens to all of us.

kylith

I have occasionally called my bf by my dog's name. It's just force of habit.

Estrellita

Really a non issue. I remember I did this a long time ago, trust me it wasn't because I wasn't over my ex. If anything I hated him. Some people can make a bad impact on you, perhaps that's subconsciously part of it.

I'd say in your case (and she genuinely said it), it was merely old habit. A mindless slip doesn't mean she harbours feelings for him. Clearly her ex relationship wasn't right, she is with you. Remember that.

Diddlers

The mind can sometimes play tricks with you! Seems like you are both in a happy relationship, it shows how much you actually like this person for it to upset you so much which is actually a nice thing.

Augme

Her completely denying it is what would bother me a lot more.