Wife's past

LegacyUser

This has been annoying me for a few weeks now , have I any right to be annoyed or ask about this?
When my wife was 17 and still in school she start dating a 29 year old man , strangely he was a friend of the families , they went out for 3 years before she met me. I find the whole thing weird that her mam and dad weren't against it ,He went on a family trip with them when she was 16 and not long after they got back they start dating and she lost her virginity to him.
She says they were good friends and had a lot in common but she regrets it.
Anyway fast forward a few years and looking for photos I found photos of the two of them together it just looks so wrong he looks like an adult with a kid, I can't get these pictures out of my head I told her this guy should be punished he used you , she is saying he didn't and although she now regrets it she wanted it at the time. Should I just drop the conversation I want to understand why her parents let this go and didn't go ape. She is not really interested in talking about it saying that is ages ago and there's no point going over it. In my head this guy groomed her and should be punished.

thanks in advance.

Airyfairy12

I think you should let it go. I see where you're coming from, it's gross and that man is a peado. I don't care how much they had in common it's definitely very weird but it was different times and her parents are likely to be from a generation where large age gaps where common, very young women married much older men. It's not that long ago Irish people locked their daughters up with abusive nuns and sent their sons to be alter boys with known peadophile priests.
I often look back at when I was young and scratch my head at things my parents did/said and thought were acceptable.

Regardless of how you feel about it your wife doesn't feel the need to question it and it's ultimately up to her. It was clearly a long time ago and BTW he cant be punished as the legal age of consent is 17.

Ursus Horribilis

You didn't say what age your wife was when she lost her virginity to this guy. 17 is the age of consent in Ireland but it's 16 or younger just about every other western European country. In other words, in most other European countries, your wife would be deemed to be old enough to consent to having sex with this guy. To me, the age gap at that age is pretty gross and you'd wonder what on earth a 29 year old man would have in common with a schoolgirl. But apart from the question of her age when they first had sex, legally they were doing nothing wrong.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume the parents were OK with the relationship. I've an older friend whose son dated and moved in with a woman 20 years older than him when he was in his late teens. She and her husband were horrified but what could they do? If you go down the road of trying to keep a couple like this apart, it has the opposite effect. So they acted as if the relationship was perfectly normal, hoping that in time it'd run its course and they'd split up. That's exactly what happened in this case and he's now married to a woman his own age.

If you're not careful, this has the potential to destroy your marriage. Then who would be punishing who? What you're seeking to do is to reopen a wound in your wife's life. That's not a very nice thing to do, is it? You cannot separate this guy's behaviour from your wife's involvement in it. And by doing so, you will hurt, humiliate and anger her. We've all got episodes from our pasts which we regret and would love to put behind us. The last thing anybody wants is for someone to dig them up again. Least of all, a person close to us.

Big Bag of Chips

You say she was 17 when she started going out with him. That's the age of consent and technically he did nothing wrong. Your wife went out with him until she was 20. And didn't have a problem at the time. I wonder does she really regret it, or does she only regret it because you seem to have such a problem with it. She doesn't want to do anything about it, yet you are disregarding her feelings and hell bent on getting 'revenge' or having this fella punished.

It's your wife's issue and she doesn't want any such thing. So why are you disregarding her? She is a grown woman who can make her own choices. She doesn't want to do anything about it. Regardless of what you think she was in the eyes of the law old enough to consent, and she continued a relationship for 3 years. Drop it.

zoobizoo

Maybe your wife was really into him back then, and convinced her parents that she loved him.

Parents have two choices : accept or reject

If they reject and forbid the relationship, they risk the relationship with their child and risk pushing the couple further together

If they accept, they might be doing it to avoid the above scenario.


Drop it. It was in the past. Nothing good will come of bringing it up.

dudara

I really think you need to pay attention to your wife and let this go. You’re using words like “punish” and “groom” which are quite serious words. Why are you personally so bothered by this?

John Hutton

dudara wrote: »

I really think you need to pay attention to your wife and let this go. You’re using words like “punish” and “groom” which are quite serious words. Why are you personally so bothered by this?

Because he loves his wife and is horrified some creep used her in this way.

I would just leave it OP (unless this guy is still knocking around your wife and family)

LegacyUser

OP here , they were 17 when they got together and didn’t have sex till 17.
I’m annoyed by lots of the circumstance the fact he was a family friend the fact he worked in a position of authority , he is a school teacher and was at the time ( although not in my wife’s school ) , he did teach girls the same age. I think she was groomed in a way he knew her since she was 14/15 and had been around her since that age , I asked her about the first time they had sex she said it was in his house they didn’t discuss it one thing led to another and he instigated it she just went along, she says she wasn’t forced and knew what she was doing.
She is annoyed now looking back that her parents didn’t stop the relationship.
I hate that she was used like this , he is not still around although He’s married now with kids to a younger wife , perhaps it was all innocent and he just fell for a younger girl and they were of similar maturity its just annoying me to visualise what happened my wife and her stupidity at the time is annoying me , that she let herself be used like that.

Thanks for replies so far

Caranica

To be honest you should have dealt with your feelings about this before you married her. Marriage is supposed to be about you, it's not a time to focus on your wife's past. For both your sakes you need to move on, enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.

RhubarbCrumble

whattodo18 wrote: »

its just annoying me to visualise what happened my wife and her stupidity at the time is annoying me , that she let herself be used like that.

Wow. I certainly hope you haven't said that to your wife.

Ursus Horribilis

So what do you actually want to do? Go around to his house and beat him to a pulp?

irishgrover

Fundamentally, this is part of your wife's past and nothing illegal happened. It's a fact, it happened, you cannot change or control it. This is not your wife's problem, it's yours. What do you think would be achieved by convincing your wife or in-laws that they were idiots. What would be achieved by confronting the guy and confirming that he was a creep. All of this is a sunk cost.
Imho, the problem is yours and the resolution lies solely with you and how you deal with your reaction to this information.

lazybones32

You're blaming him for everything but your wife had a say too. She made a decision that she now regrets - tough sh*t!

You blame him, she blames her parents...it's all someone elses fault! Grow up the pair of you.

eurasian

I think you need to stop thinking about your wife's past. It was her past before she met you and got married. She was old enough to have sex with the guy. You need to get over it.
You CAN'T PUNISH him for anything. And even more if you go ahead and make false accusations to this person, you may end up on the wrong side of thing.
Nobody's saint. Let it go.

Peatys

Your wife is comfortable with this. You weren't on the scene, so have no idea. Let it go.

harr

She must not regret it that much if she kept photos and the likes or is she saying she regrets it for your sake.
Yes it’s a big age gap for a 17 year old but they must have got on well if they went out for a few years and the parents must have been happy enough with him.
How do you know he used her ?
I have a friend who meet his wife when he was 27 and she was 17 they took it slowly at first but are happily married for over 10 years now.
Think you need to put it behind you OP it’s in the past and they did nothing wrong..just two people dating with an age gap...

Ursus Horribilis

OP, the only person you should be talking to here is a therapist. If you keep this **** up, it'll be divorce courts you'll be heading to next. This is clearly eating you up and I don't think any replies on boards will help. I don't think you're listening to anything anybody has said here anyway. Is this the way you usually lead your life? Because you're not exactly listening to what you're wife is telling you either.

As has been pointed out to you already, nothing illegal happened. You cannot prove that this man groomed her. You want to think he did because it feeds into the narrative you've created in your head. If your wife lived in most other European countries, she would have been legally allowed to have sex with him from 14 years of age. And as people have already told you, but you're ignoring, you cannot say for sure that her parents were happy with the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies I really appreciate it , it's something I've bottled up to myself a bit this last while . Sometimes you just need a sounding board and this thread has been perfect.
I know deep down I am been an idiot and need to forget this , the only person that has a problem with all this is me , I need to let it go on move on and enjoy my lovely wife and forget the past we have all done stuff we are ashamed of or even if shes not ashamed of it , who cares . I suppose its just a number and an 18 year old could have treated her worse than this guy, she never complained about how he treated her.

My own insecurites and jealously are coming out now , I think I need to have a closer look at my own behaviour instead of concentrating on my wife's.

Genuinely thanks for all the replies makes me feel a bit embarrassed that I am been so childish about this.

neonsofa

whattodo18 wrote: »

I think she was groomed in a way he knew her since she was 14/15 and had been around her since that age ...
I hate that she was used like this .....

its just annoying me to visualise what happened my wife and her stupidity at the time is annoying me , that she let herself be used like that.

You think she was groomed by an older man....yet you are saying she was stupid to allow it to happen???? What exactly do you think grooming is? The very nature of grooming is that the person is vulnerable to being abused as a result of the manipulation, they did not just stupidly allow themselves to be used despite knowing better, they were targetted, groomed and manipulated. If you think 17 was too young to be consenting to a sexual relationship with the man (it's the age of consent as has been pointed out),then surely you also deem her too young to have understood the complexities of the situation and therefore not "stupid" but rather young and vulnerable.

Either way it happened before you so you need to get over it. It is her history to view however she sees fit.

Ursus Horribilis

As an aside, digging into a partner's sexual history doesn't end well for many people. I've seen quite a few threads here down the years from people who asked their other half the "how many?" question and weren't able to handle the answer. It's not information every partner is able to handle and they're better off not asking in the first place. It strikes me that you are privy to an awful lot of personal, private details about this past relationship of your wife's. Far too much of it. It's none of your business. Leave the poor woman alone. She's with you now, not this guy from years ago. Why are you so obsessed?

amtc

My parents have been together since 1966 and married since 1970. My mother was 16 and my dad 27 when they met. My mother was doing a part time job in a local pub and my uncle failed to show up one night to drop her home so the landlady looked around for a respectable young man to drive her home. He asked her for tea the next day, and promptly crashed the car into a pillar in the phoenix park when she mentioned she was studying for her leaving cert.

Yes, her parents weren't too impressed at the age difference and believe me it's much more obvious now. But my mother says it was wonderful to have someone listen to her, treat her as an adult? There was nothing sexual in it.

What I would say is titling your post wife's past....do we not all have a past....it is that...a past

um7y1h83ge06nx

Like others I would say let the past in the past. I know very little about my wife's past relationships and she knows little about mine.

Neither of us have brought up the dreaded "how many" question or really probed about the details of past relationships.

bp

Glad you are seeing reason OP. Saw someone go through similar - he was older, made her feel mature. Her parents hated it (and so did I) but I can guarantee if we tried to stop her she would have dug her heels in. He was always trying to alienate us from her. She dumped him after a while, from the outside there was nothing we could do but wait in the wings and provide support when the time came

leggo

OP on one hand I get your emotions: I was in a similar situation before, an ex told me about an ex from her past and, in that case, it actually was illegal (IIRC she was 15 he was 22, though she said they didn't have sex until 17 but I've a feeling that's a cover story). I had a hard time struggling with it because she talked of it as if it was a normal ex story and, similar to yourself, I was baffled that the parents didn't do anything about it, mainly because I have a sister around that age now and I'd have had the lad arrested and on the sex offenders register if she came home with a lad that age. I started referring to him as "the pedo" whenever he came up. Then I copped myself on and was like, "What right do I have to tell someone how to feel about this situation in their past?"

And that's the thing OP: for as well-intentioned as your feelings start out, once you started shaming someone (as you're doing when you think your wife was 'stupid' for falling for this)...it's actually you who starts crossing into abusive territory whether you mean to or not. You've got to do some soul-searching and ask yourself why this is actually bothering you so much: are you afraid she's easily manipulated and it's going to end in her cheating or going off the boil? She seems totally fine with it...why do you want her to feel how you feel? I commend you on catching yourself here, keep going by exploring your feelings honestly as it'll help.

Lastly one more thing to keep in mind: with all of the #MeToo stuff going around, a lot of people are re-evaluating old incidents from their past with a new perspective. I've been in a lot of conversations with people who've realised that things they just wrote off at the time as weird or funny were actually seriously messed up. A lot still choose to just laugh it off because it's something they never struggled with, and you can kinda see why...if you can avoid the horrific trauma associated with sexual abuse, why wouldn't you? Ultimately, you can moralise all you like about how this is the right way to deal with things versus this, but it's their past to deal with however they choose to do so and, if it's not affecting their present, it's really not yours or anyone else's place to mess with that.

eviltwin

It's good you are seeing things a bit clearer OP but you still need to get out of the mind set that your wife has done something to be 'ashamed' of. There is no shame in her actions and its a weird choice of words. At worst she is a victim of grooming, at best she had a sexual relationship with a boyfriend...you might what to look at why shame is the thing you connect with this.

LegacyUser

Guys I do hear you's loud and clear.
I'm normally a fairly level headed guy , I don't know why this bothered me so much , I am very good at rationalising my feelings and in general can deal with things and look at things rationally for what they are.

I suppose there are a few factors to why this is bothering me so much now , the first one is I happened to find the pictures , this is never good , especially since she has always looked much younger than her years and the guy she is with looks older than his years semi balding etc. , a picture will only tell you so much and as someone pointed out before it suits my narrative to imagine things a certain way so I view it as a man with a child.
The next thing is I am the same age now as he was then I'm 29 and i just cannot imagine dating a school girl , when I am on a train and school girls get on I put my headphones on I can't listen to the gibberish childishness they go on with , I look at 17/18 year olds like children I do feel like if your my age and looking at these girls in a sexual way its borderline concerning , I know its legal , but in saying all this not all 29 year olds or 17 year old are equal. I've some friends who are 28-30 range who still act like they are teenagers they are the non married type who would probably have a lot more in common with a teenager.

But this again suits my narrative to imagine my wife as the innocent immature kid, my wife was actually very mature when I met her (arguably from this relationship) but her parents were very liberal her and her siblings could drink at home from 15 and their partners could sleep over in the house with them from 17 ( I don't have strong opinions on weather this is right or wrong) . My parents were much more conservative but it didn't stop me lying to them and getting up the mischief , so you will do what you will do anyway.

So yeah it bothers me for a few reasons , imagery doesn't help you can look at a picture and see what you want from it , if he didn't look like a balding 50 year old and she didn't look like a 12 year old then would I feel different yes I probably would which is ridiculous in itself. the facts are she was 17 he was 29 , where do I go from here , no where really she's not interested in talking about it , I've no right to talk about it so thanks again to you lot for making me see sense. I think its worth remembering though its easy to give advice than to take it , I would give the same advice here as everyone else but when its in your own head its harder to clear the voices the images etc than just saying to someone cop on your been stupid.

Last point , I used to refer to him as a pedo also and it didn't go down well , my wife would say I was 17 not 14 , hes not a pedo he did nothing wrong, I should of listenned more and let it go , hey guys best advice is ask no questions of your wifes past!

um7y1h83ge06nx

Some young girls like the idea of being with older guys.

Back when I was in college I was working with a girl that just had her leaving cert done, so she must have been 17 or 18. She was seeing a separated guy in his fifties! I believe she was attracted to the fact that he was well known within the community with a position of authority.

Not sure what happened their relationship but a few years later he was being investigated for possessing child porn. He only escaped conviction due to some mess up in Garda procedure causing the case to collapse.

In your case I'm not sure it's fair to say he was grooming her. The relationship at the time might have been fine for her. It's good though that you're coming around to just moving on.

amybabes

Hi OP, I’m now a 30 year old woman but when I was 17 and doing my Leaving Cert I dated a 32 year old man. I had worked with him a few years previous from the age of 15 and hadn’t seen him for a while - met him in a nightclub and I suppose he saw me as an adult for the first time, I had just finished secondary school and probably looked about 21 all dolled up to be fair.

I never told my parents as they would have hit the roof but I just wanted to say that I never felt taken advantage of or used. At that age I had already been in love and had been having sex for over a year with my first boyfriend who was the same age.

I clearly remember myself at 17 and I was a mature and consenting adult. In fact the 32 year old treated me with 10 times the amount of respect and care that boys my own age did. There was nothing seedy about it.

We all mature at different stages - personally I was a very mature 17 year old - emotionally and sexually. Just wanted to give you my two cents on it.

Dr Crayfish

A girl I was seeing recently told me she lost her virginity at 15 to a man who was 37, the age I am now. She couldn't understand that I was a bit freaked out by this, she said she wanted it to happen and he thought she was older. Does that make it ok? I just dropped it anyway and told her I wasn't cool with 37 year olds having sex with what's basically a child. Anyway she turned out to be a bit nutty and I'm not seeing her any more. You can't change the past but the fact she thought that was ok made me weary of her. Am I in the wrong here?

Dr Crayfish

amybabes wrote: »

<Snip>

But what kind of 32 year old has sex with a 17 year old girl? That hasn't been normal for centuries.

Big Bag of Chips

My grandfather was 18 years older than my grandmother. My friend got married at 21 to a man 14 years older than her. They had been going out since she was 18. They're still together 18 years later with 4 children. Age gaps aren't that unusual.

I went out with a fella in college, who was the same age as me. I kind of regret that relationship because even though I liked him I wasn't as in to him as he was me. At the time I was fine with it all though. I lost my virginity to him too...

Lots of us can regret some of the relationships we had in the past. It doesn't necessarily mean the other person was at fault, or that the relationship was 'wrong'.

I'm glad you've backed off about this, OP. It's your wife's (non) issue. If she doesn't want to revisit it then you have no right to.

amybabes

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

amybabes wrote: »

But what kind of 32 year old has sex with a 17 year old girl? That hasn't been normal for centuries.

Might not be acceptable to some people but like I said, from first hand experience it wasn’t seedy, it wasn’t even sexual for a long time and I was the one who initiated it.
It wasn’t a predator situation. Just two consenting adults seeing each other. He actually helped restore some of my self worth after a toxic relationship truth be told.
Just giving my experience to aid in giving the OP a different viewpoint. People will judge based on age difference but there’s a lot to take into consideration for a bigger picture.

Estrellita

whattodo18 wrote: »

She is annoyed now looking back that her parents didn’t stop the relationship.

This bit is bothering me, and I do believe her attitude towards this is certainly not helping you here.

It's not the same age gap, but I began seeing a 19 year old when I was 16. I don't know where I got the idea from that age of consent was 16, but I lost my virginity to him at that age. My parents hated him. Thought he was an idiot (they weren't wrong). But you have no idea how hard it must be to encourage a girl at that age to stop seeing a boyfriend. Forget it. The harder my parents tried to get him out of my life the harder I fought them and sided with my then boyfriend. If you fight with a teenager of that age about who she should or shouldn't see, expect rebellion. Which is exactly what I did. I was living with him by 17-18 years of age. Your wifes parents probably felt it was better to just grin and bear it and hope it fizzled out, and it did. My parents fought with me, I stayed with him over a decade. He was a total díck, but there's nothing more determined than young lady..

For many teenage girls, the boys her age just won't do. They are in an awful hurry to grow up, fall in love, the whole nine yards. Boys that age seemed silly to me.

Your wife hasn't managed this with you very well. This was nothing more than a phase in her life, of which she was a very willing participant. It's perfectly normal for some to regret who they lost their virginity to, but she knew what she was doing. Make no mistake about that. I know I did.