Should i drop my friend as bridesmaid???

Needhelp101

Iv being best friends with this girl since we were 9 years old and we have always being as thick as thieves!! She is godmother to my son and she was the first person i asked to be bridesmaid when i got engaged even before i asked my sisters! The problem is that since she got with her partner 3 years ago i have noticed the past couple of months to a year that her personality has completely changed. Her partner is quite well off as appose to me and my fiance were just about average lol. But that has never being an issue before, though these past few months i feel like she brags about everything when ever we are around them, dont get me wrong im not jealous at all for her actually i was quite happy for her as she had being n a terrible relationship before and had being through alot so it was nice that someone was treating her better.
My fiance doesnt really like her partner that much as he is very full of him self and has this im better then everyone attitude and he feels hes very false but he trys his best with him because of our circle of friends. When we got engaged a year ago my fiance told me after that he had being saving for months to get a ring and it was quite a shock that he proposed after 7 years!! However when i rang my friend 2 tell her the news instead of saying congrats she said i have news too where building a house! I kind of thought cool but you could at least be happy for me. When we came back from holiday her partner kept saying oh it must have cost ye afew pound to go on holiday and get engaged, And instead of asking us how it happend they went on to brag about this big house they are building which really annoyed me!!

Fast forward 3 months later and he brings he on holiday and proposes to her same style my fiance did lol. Then they come home brag about the lavish holiday and how they got a special unique ring that cost over 5k for her, it didnt bother me but i just thought they could of waited at least a year after we got engaged 2 do it and my fiance thought the same. I mean it took my fiance 7 years to pluck up the courage to ask me lol, they have being together 3 and it took them 3 months after we got engaged which we found out recently that theirs was a planned engagement.
Anyways i found a week ago that they had being talking about us behind our backs and i confront my friend she denied it at first but then appologised and said that her partner didnt really like my fiance that much along with other truths that came to light about his true colours towards us such a competitiveness etc.. now her partner is acting like we did something to them by confronting them about this issue and even went as far as telling numerous people that my friend doesnt want to be my bridesmaid which i asked her and she denied saying. But now she rarely has contacted me since and only seems to when she off work the odd time and hes away and she expects me to drop all and call to her but yet wont contact me at all for the rest of the week when hes around which is getting abit frustrating as at present i dont know where we stand with both of them, iv asked her straight up does she want to be brisesmaid and she has said yes but more or less put it to me that he would rather she wasnt and to be honest with the way they have being carrying on lately and their childishness towards us im not so sure i even want her to be either but im confused about it all and i still dont want 2 lose a friendship over all this???

All advise appreciated

beertons

Paragraphs.

Relax. It'll blow over.

I know loads that puff and pant like those people. In one ear and out the other. It's brilliant.

Needhelp101

Thanks. sorry i didnt realise it was all in the one and was as long as it was till it posted lol

Toots

She sounds like she's being a bit of a wagon, but honestly, expecting them to wait a year after ye got engaged to get engaged themselves is very unreasonable.

If you don't want her to be a bridesmaid, you could put it to her like "Look, I think if "partner" really doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid, then it would probably be better if you stepped down, I'd hate for it to be a source of tension between ye." That way it's not so much you not wanting her to do it anymore, it's him.

Needhelp101

Yeah i completely agree i do think us thinking a year now after having said it to be honest does sound harsh. I just find them very competitive towards us and i believe he "partner" has alot to do with the tension thats gone on between us amd her personality change from completely down to earth to above everyone else attitude. Yes i think i will put it to her that way then its leaving it in her hands. But should i just go and invite them as guests then??

Electric Sheep

If there is tension between you, don't have her as bridesmaid, you don't need tension on your wedding day.

With regard to everyone else you know, did you send them notice that they are not allowed to get engaged within a year of your engagement?

eviltwin

You both sound as bad as each other between her bragging and your expectations that she wait a year to get engaged......

It doesn't even seem like you are friends from your post, don't have her as bridesmaid because you feel you should, ask people you like and who will support you

woodchuck

Toots wrote: »

If you don't want her to be a bridesmaid, you could put it to her like "Look, I think if "partner" really doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid, then it would probably be better if you stepped down, I'd hate for it to be a source of tension between ye." That way it's not so much you not wanting her to do it anymore, it's him.

This is a good suggestion and probably the path of least resistance.

Then just send them an invite as you would any other guest.

I agree with other posters though that it's very unreasonable to expect them to wait (any length of time) before getting engaged!

BIGDAWWG01

I would get rid of her. She needs to cop on and grow up. This is not meant in a bad way towards you but it doesnt seem like you mean that much to her by the sounds of it.

bertsmom

Op I think Toots advice is the way to go. Give her a firm option of standing down but don't throw it down like a him or me type scenario let her know it's an option but not a big drama if she does.
I'd also say sometimes a friendship can need a break for while, that doesn't mean a big dramatic end just it might be an idea to let the contact peter out a bit and gradually let the distance grow as ye don't seem to be a great support to each other. A friend should be someone you look forward to catching up with and spending time with having a laugh or just chilling if it's not working just leave it alone for a while and if ye're friendship is worth getting back it will in time but if not Shur that's fine too people change and views and opinions change life goes on. I don't think either of ye are at fault it just seems to me like ye don't have that much in common anymore.
I definitely think though she had no need to wait to get engaged just because ye were engaged that's a bit of a silly attitude.
Best of luck with all your wedding plans.

BIGDAWWG01

Also she does sound like the type of person who would try make your big day about her and what she has!

HelgaWard

Needhelp101 wrote: »

dont get me wrong im not jealous at all for her actually i was quite happy for her as she had being n a terrible relationship before and had being through alot so it was nice that someone was treating her better.

You should be more than just quite happy for her!! Really happy maybe?!

Needhelp101 wrote: »

it didnt bother me but i just thought they could of waited at least a year after we got engaged 2 do it and my fiance thought the same. I mean it took my fiance 7 years to pluck up the courage to ask me lol, they have being together 3 and it took them 3 months after we got engaged which we found out recently that theirs was a planned engagement.

It did bother you. You are being completely unreasonable here. People are entitled to get engaged whenever they like.

Needhelp101 wrote: »

Iv being best friends with this girl since we were 9 years old and we have always being as thick as thieves!! She is godmother to my son and she was the first person i asked to be bridesmaid when i got engaged even before i asked my sisters!

You guys have been best friends forever. It seems to me like the two boys don't get on and ye are letting that effect your friendship. I think ye should do things just yourselves. Forget about meeting up as a foursome for a while. It would be an awful shame if you lost your longest friendship over boys.

Don't drop her as bridesmaid, that'll be the final nail in the coffin of your friendship. She's told you she wants to be your bridesmaid. Don't keep asking her does she still want to be your bridesmaid. She does, leave it at that. Stop listening to gossip or even talking to others in your friend group about this couple. It sounds like there is a lot of "he said"' "she said" going on. Maybe ye all need to grow up a bit? Stop comparing your lives to each others.

khaldrogo

I'm so happy I'm male.

'sorry pal, I'm going different way for my best man. '

Done

99 Bortles of Beer

it didnt bother me but i just thought they could of waited at least a year after we got engaged 2 do it and my fiance thought the same.

I'm struggling with this part. He proposed to her 3 months after your own engagement - why is this a problem and why should they have waited "at least" a year? Are you expecting to be able to own the "newly-engaged" title in your group of friends for a year or something?

You said she's been with her partner for 3 years - he could have been planning this for months. Shock horror, but a lot of people get engaged on holidays. It's hardly your partner's unique idea.

wendydoll

To be honest you seemed to cause the fuss first, thinking your friend would wait a year before she'd get engaged just because you got engaged first. Maybe he was planning on proposing around the same time you announced your engagement and he put his plans on hold for 3 months. So what if the ring cost €5,000 or €500 if you friend is happy thats all that matter.

Maybe you gave off the vibe you were pissed off she was stealing your thunder and your friend fiance copped you weren't impressed with them announcing their engagement. She said she wanted to be your bridesmaid, maybe arrange a bride squad meet up and see what vibe you get off her and if you still feel you don't want her to be your bridesmaid or she seems not interested in being a bridesmaid, drop her then.

Be a shame to fall out with a good friend over something so silly. It's one day in your life

Bettboo

OP after reading this and some of the replies i actually feel sorry for you!! U are getting married congrats and goodluck on your wedding�� but its unfortunate that you have had to be surrounded by negativity especially from someone very close to you.
In my honest oppinion shes not much of a friend. Friends dont brag and boast they help eachother out its time you both sat down and talked realistically about the situation and came to some sort of arrangement because lets face it no one needs people like that in their lives!!! The part about them waiting a year yeah seems abit silly but you clearly stated that you realised it was harsh as you put it. To be honest im surprised they werent engaged a week later. They seem to be in competition with ye!!! Hope ye sort it out��

Bettboo

You said she's been with her partner for 3 years - he could have been planning this for months. Shock horror, but a lot of people get engaged on holidays. It's hardly your partner's unique idea.[/QUOTE]

I do and i dont agree with you, if you read her post you would see that she stated that it was a planned engagment therefore that would mean they both clearly knew they were getting engaged.?? I hardly doubt he was planning it for months if it was the case. I agree about unique part but its obvious from anyones perspective on thepost that these two people are very jealous and competitive against this girl and her fella...

Needhelp101

Thanks for all the advise its well appreciated and il take it on board. I regret saying about the year wait that was abit daft but im aware of that to be honest!! I dont think it an unique thing and im sorry if i personally offended a few with that statment it wasnt my intentions! Im very sorry i didnt make my post more clearer on each subject. I agree i dont be bothered how much a ring costs but when her fiance walks into my house and says infront of me and her to my fiance , how much did our ring cost and points out that his cost much more because it was so unique?? That i find childish. And in that statment childishness yes bothers me.
Anither valid point is that both these friends were completely against marriage and made it very clear after we got engaged, her fiance referred to it as a con into getting people to fork up thousands he even said my fuance and i were daft getting engaged and we could be building a house lile them instead of wasting our money. She said exact same and always said she never wanted 2 get married ever so it was abit of a surprise when they did after making i clear how they felt.
Anyways besides all of that thanks again il take all on board and im sure we will work it out!!!

Larbre34

Its a dying friendship anyway as no one should tolerate toxicity like that, lifes too short.

Dont pin this on your partner, as it looks demeaning for you if you arent seen to have decision making power over your own bridesmaids. Tell her youve made a final decision about your bridal party and your choices are X and Y and let the dice fall where they might.

Speedwell

It sounds to me from what you've written that you're all being a bit silly. You're friends. Act like friends. If this was happening to someone else you'd be telling them, "it's really bad to lose a friend over something like that". Someone has to be the bigger person first. It can be you. All you need to do is say, "this wedding stuff is making us crazy right now but I don't want to lose you as my friend; can we promise we'll be kind to each other no matter what the men do". When the dust settles and you're both married (or however it goes), you will be glad you didn't lose your friend. Married women need friends. All women need friends.

Larbre34

khaldrogo wrote: »

I'm so happy I'm male.

'sorry pal, I'm going different way for my best man. '

Done

You would think so, but i had to do exactly that with a friend, picking 2 mates out of 3 because No 3 was unreliable and not photogenic and he never let me forget it for a year. Bleated to every other mutual acquaintance about it for months too. Id have thought he'd have more self respect

Toots

Larbre34 wrote: »

You would think so, but i had to do exactly that with a friend, picking 2 mates out of 3 because No 3 was unreliable and not photogenic and he never let me forget it for a year. Bleated to every other mutual acquaintance about it for months too. Id have thought he'd have more self respect

:eek:

Larbre34

Larbre34 wrote: »

You would think so, but i had to do exactly that with a friend, picking 2 mates out of 3 because No 3 was unreliable and not photogenic and he never let me forget it for a year. Bleated to every other mutual acquaintance about it for months too. Id have thought he'd have more self respect

Not photogenic? Jesus...

CruelCoin

Larbre34 wrote: »

You would think so, but i had to do exactly that with a friend, picking 2 mates out of 3 because No 3 was unreliable and not photogenic and he never let me forget it for a year. Bleated to every other mutual acquaintance about it for months too. Id have thought he'd have more self respect

The unreliable bit I get. You don't need that **** on your wedding day.
I only recently got married myself and the wedding day is a snowstorm of little things that all need your attention right. ****ing. now. so you need solid lads behind you.

But I hope you didn't tell him it was because he had a face for radio?
I know we're lads, and we don't do this "emotions" stuff, but dude...

Speedwell

My friends are all photogenic enough because they're my friends and I love them. I assure you I am no glamour queen either and I wouldn't kick myself out of my own wedding photos for not being pretty enough, heh. I'm pretty enough for my husband and that's all I give a flying fart about.

mojesius

Her fiance sounds like a bit of a dick but there are plenty of those in life. Some of my friends are in long term relationships/married to fellas my husband isn't too fond of (and myself in certain cases) for similar reasons so we limit group outings and change the subject if they start to get a bit uppity. At the end of the day, your friend is with them - they're happy, they're not happy, their choice.

I would urge you to take the fiance out of the equation and think about your long-term friendship. Her and you, what you've been through together and what she means to you. There might be a void there for you on the day if you don't have her as bridesmaid. Maybe go out to dinner, just the two of you and just have fun, take all this wedding drama/partner stuff out of the equation for a while and see how you feel then.

Hope is works out

Speedwell

mojesius wrote: »

Her fiance sounds like a bit of a dick but there are plenty of those in life. Some of my friends are in long term relationships/married to fellas my husband isn't too fond of (and myself in certain cases) for similar reasons so we limit group outings and change the subject if they start to get a bit uppity. At the end of the day, your friend is with them - they're happy, they're not happy, their choice.

Quoted for truth. If things don't work out between her and her partner, she will need her friend. If, god forbid, things don't work out between you and your partner (which as a woman on her third marriage I assure you could happen if one or both of you are foolish), you will be sad and sorry to have lost your best friend over something so silly.

Needhelp101

Speedwell wrote: »

Quoted for truth. If things don't work out between her and her partner, she will need her friend. If, god forbid, things don't work out between you and your partner (which as a woman on her third marriage I assure you could happen if one or both of you are foolish), you will be sad and sorry to have lost your best friend over something so silly.

That is actually a very good point and i never looked at it that way before. After i posted this up and re read it i thought to myself this is silly drama over nonsense! I think im going to sit down with her on her own and chat properly! Thanks

Cork Lass

Larbre34 wrote: »

You would think so, but i had to do exactly that with a friend, picking 2 mates out of 3 because No 3 was unreliable and not photogenic and he never let me forget it for a year. Bleated to every other mutual acquaintance about it for months too. Id have thought he'd have more self respect

Seriously, not photogenic :eek: I’m trying to think of a name for a male Bridezilla cos I think we just found one.

myshirt

You started out saying you weren't jealous, and then went on to demonstrate every single facet of being insanely jealous and bitter.

If anything I think genuinely your friend is better without you now that you have shown your true colours.

Find the courage to let go of what you can't change. Accept it, learn from it, and move on. You have to focus your energy on your own life and own marriage. The world is bigger than your singular view of the world and how you alone believe people should behave. This girl is perfectly entitled to be happy about her life without you being resentful. The situation here is not determined by that young girls behaviour, it's determined by how YOU have chosen to relate to that behaviour, no one else. You had different choices and you chose an extremely selfish line to be taking.

Why you would do that to a friend you had since you were young girls, I don't know, but if I could give you any advice id say focus on your own life and stop being jealous.

Cork Lass

Cork Lass wrote: »

Seriously, not photogenic :eek: I’m trying to think of a name for a male Bridezilla cos I think we just found one.

We men just have a few simple terms but the most appropriate one is probably arsehole. At least in polite company on boards. I’d be inclined to use a little four letter special, held in reserve for really deserving people...

Needhelp101

myshirt wrote: »

You started out saying you weren't jealous, and then went on to demonstrate every single facet of being insanely jealous and bitter.

If anything I think genuinely your friend is better without you now that you have shown your true colours.

Find the courage to let go of what you can't change. Accept it, learn from it, and move on. You have to focus your energy on your own life and own marriage. The world is bigger than your singular view of the world and how you alone believe people should behave. This girl is perfectly entitled to be happy about her life without you being resentful. The situation here is not determined by that young girls behaviour, it's determined by how YOU have chosen to relate to that behaviour, no one else. You had different choices and you chose an extremely selfish line to be taking.

Why you would do that to a friend you had since you were young girls, I don't know, but if I could give you any advice id say focus on your own life and stop being jealous.

Im not going to step out of the guidelines because of the comment because i respect the rules borads.ie have giving.

So i respect your opinion as everyone is entitled to one. I am also sorry that my grammer is not up to date for you.
I disagree with every single word you have just said about me considering you know absolutley nothing of my personailty only what you have read about me through a post on looking for advise and you have just went on a rant about me as a person? again my opinion not yours i suppose. But i cant do much to change that! I dont think you read my post properly but thats okay. Again my opinion not yours!!
Thanks

Please Do take my Apology again for the bad grammar.

SterlingArcher

Needhelp101 wrote: »

That is actually a very good point and i never looked at it that way before. After i posted this up and re read it i thought to myself this is silly drama over nonsense! I think im going to sit down with her on her own and chat properly! Thanks

Reflection is good. At least if it doesn't work out as you wish. You still tried and did it the right way. There is no need to force your other halfs to get along.

meet up. enjoy each others company and maybe dicuss the fact your partners are probably never going to be besties openly and honestly and then leave it there.

limit how much time yous spend talking about other halfs. As tricky as that sounds. That will build a respect for each other that won't suffer from any unreasonable discontent from either partner.

Bettboo

myshirt wrote: »

You started out saying you weren't jealous, and then went on to demonstrate every single facet of being insanely jealous and bitter.

If anything I think genuinely your friend is better without you now that you have shown your true colours.

WOW......
Im new to boards. Just came on here looking for recommendations on honeymoon destinations but seen this girls post and thought "hey that looks interesting" so read it and just had to comment, in a way i felt i had to defend the girl i mean after all shes looking for advise and in a way her friend is being abit of a stuck up pratt!!:) god nos iv dealt with enough of them in my life to be able to know one when i read about it!!!
But WOW you have really went above and beyond here in saying that the girl is better without her as a friend??? That's just plain mean to be fair and lets be realistic for a min suppose she was a bit jealous ? you mean to tell me you have never being jealous of anyone in your life?? A friend, work colleague, sibling or spouse??? Does that mean everyone is better off without you in their lives if you have? Just out of curiousity??

myshirt

Hey I don't want to be mean to anyone, so apologies if picked up that way. I also don't want to derail the thread.

The key issue here is not how the friend behaved, but how the op relates to that behaviour.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what the friend has done here, but still the response is one of jealously and selfishness. That's quite unfair on this young girl who is getting on with her life, building a big house, etc. It's also not helpful for people to parrot back what the op wants to hear, rather than call out the truth. She asked for people's opinions.

Op, don't apologise for your grammar or feeling the way you feel. We are all human. What I am saying to you however is to try change your focus, be happy for your friend, and move the energy away from jealousy so you can focus on your own relationship.

Jimbob1977

Keep the bridesmaid

Her fiancee will just have to grin and bear it. Or not attend.

Toots

Bettboo wrote: »

You said she's been with her partner for 3 years - he could have been planning this for months. Shock horror, but a lot of people get engaged on holidays. It's hardly your partner's unique idea.

I do and i dont agree with you, if you read her post you would see that she stated that it was a planned engagment therefore that would mean they both clearly knew they were getting engaged.?? I hardly doubt he was planning it for months if it was the case. I agree about unique part but its obvious from anyones perspective on thepost that these two people are very jealous and competitive against this girl and her fella...[/QUOTE]

Needhelp101 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advise its well appreciated and il take it on board. I regret saying about the year wait that was abit daft but im aware of that to be honest!! I dont think it an unique thing and im sorry if i personally offended a few with that statment it wasnt my intentions! Im very sorry i didnt make my post more clearer on each subject. I agree i dont be bothered how much a ring costs but when her fiance walks into my house and says infront of me and her to my fiance , how much did our ring cost and points out that his cost much more because it was so unique?? That i find childish. And in that statment childishness yes bothers me.
Anither valid point is that both these friends were completely against marriage and made it very clear after we got engaged, her fiance referred to it as a con into getting people to fork up thousands he even said my fuance and i were daft getting engaged and we could be building a house lile them instead of wasting our money. She said exact same and always said she never wanted 2 get married ever so it was abit of a surprise when they did after making i clear how they felt.
Anyways besides all of that thanks again il take all on board and im sure we will work it out!!!

Seeing as these two posters are both the same person, I'm going to assume that this thread isn't genuine.

Locking so that other posters don't waste any more time giving advice.