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Should I pay half for exes Counselling

  • 04-12-2017 4:16pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there,

    I broke up with an ex about three years ago.

    We were very close and lived together.

    We had an unplanned pregnancy and chose to have an abortion. It really affected her.

    I probably wasnt the best support as I was dealing with it in my own way by pretending it didnt happen and just tried to get on with things. I offered to pay for Counselling for her but she refused to seek any help.

    That happened in July or so 2015 and in December I discovered that she had been having an affair with a lad she met on a dating site around August or so while she was studing for professional exams (which I was supporting financially). She had backed up all the whatsapp messages and they were in her emails. They had been messaging dozens of times a day, meeting up in hotels for sex etc.

    When I discovered that I sent them to her, went to the pub while she packed her things and bar meeting up to exchange personal items or the odd random passing in Dublin never met again. I would text occassionally when I was drunk or she might do the same but after about a year of that I moved on and eventually met my current partner who is sweet and kind and generous and whom I love very much.

    My ex got in contact in October and said that she was seeking Counselling but was finding it a struggle financially at €80 a session. I say that I would contribute half and I have done that for the last three months which is €160 a month I simply transfer to her account.

    I dont want to seek evidence of her spending it, as frankly I dont care. Her life is her life. I do feel half responsible for a decision that may and did affect her in a negative way and I am very glad she is seeking help or at least that I can facilitate that.

    She contacted me today with general chit chat messages and I replied in short curt messages. She said that I obviously didnt want to talk and I set out that I was glad she was seeking help and happy to support that but any friendship ended with the relationship did, I had moved on and I was not comfortable making small talk.

    I am also conscious that she is probably in therapy and might have a different perspective on things etc. Either way, for me that door and chapter in my life is closed.

    My dilema is two fold however.

    1. How long should I contribute for these sessions. My instinct is a a year and then tell her that she is on her own. I have a good professional life with no children and earn a very comfortable living. The money is not an issue or impacting me in any way.

    2. I dont want to tell my partner. Frankly, its none of her business and what happened in my previous relationship is private and between my ex and I and I would no more share that with my current parter than I would with any partner. But equally I dont like having secrets from her and I dont want this to come out and bite me in the ass later as to why I didnt tell her. She is sensitive, and I think she would be hurt if I told her I was paying for an ex out of guilt over an abortion, which frankly this is what this is. Me paying off my guilt for being absent. I would see this as violating the trust of the previous relationship.

    I dont blame myself for her having an affair. That was her choice and she took the consequences of that decision. I can see objectively that she was in a vulnerable place emptionally and a fling probably served a purpose in her life at the time. I have forgiven her and myself and moved on.

    I'd be interested to canvas opinions on

    1. How long / or Should I even contribute

    2. Should I tell my current partner.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 849 ✭✭✭Tenigate


    1. No, you should not contribute. She's your ex.
    2. Yes, you should tell your partner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    If it's post abortion counselling she is after then she can get that for free from various organisations. The length of time shouldn't make a difference. Any other counselling is her own concern and to be frank, I'm not sure you paying half is going to help here with her issues. She needs to take full ownership of her own mental health. There's plenty of low cost counselling services out there.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 232 ✭✭Flibble


    It's extremely admirable, although not necessary, that you're paying for the counselling. Whether you do or don't and for how long is completely up to your own conscience.

    Only you know your own current gf, OP, and how she'd react.

    If was your girlfriend in this situation, I would have encouraged you to pay the money for 3 to 6 months IF you had discussed it with me at the start after you had been contacted initially and before making a decision. Transparency is fantastic, and your actions are very generous and compassionate. Two big brownie points.

    If, however, I found out my bf was paying money to an ex for any reason, and keeping it secret, I'd be thrown into an exceptionally strange place in my head and it would bring all sorts of conflicting feelings and trust issues to the forefront. I'm not sure I would be able to continue with the relationship, purely because of the secrecy around it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,555 ✭✭✭SuperSean11


    1 Run
    2 Tell you current partner the truth 100%

    Your partner finds out on her own you’re still involved with your ex you’ll be screwed.

    Probably not yours anyway??


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    As for whether or not you pay for the counselling, it's a moral question and it's fair enough if you want to pay for it to alleviate your guilt.

    However, the major issue here is keeping secrets from your current partner. You say it's none of her business and that would be true if it was in the past, but it's not, it's very much the present. I think you know she would be (justifiably!) angry/hurt if she found out, which is why you're keeping it from her.

    If you'd been honest with your current partner from the start it wouldn't be so bad, but you've dug yourself into a bit of a hole here. Personally I'd come clean to your current partner. Acknowledge that you should've have kept secrets from her and decide what to do about the situation together.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 942 ✭✭✭Ghekko


    If I found out my partner was financially supporting an ex for counselling I'd ditch him. She is your ex for a reason and while you went through a difficult time when you were together, you are not responsible for her now. It's a couple of years on and while it's great she is getting her life together, she should not be taking money from you to fund it. For your own sake make a proper break and stop paying for her. Who knows how long she'll milk you for it. Do you even have solid proof that she is using your money for the counselling?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,240 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    I would break contact with the ex. I wouldn't pay her any more either. My boss always said to me, you always want to leave a relationship where you don't have to duck into a doorway to avoid crossing paths. With that in mind, if tell her that you're done, rather than just blocking etc.

    Regarding your current relationship, if it's serious, I would tell her. I always think a relationship in the past is no business of the current partner. But the timelines cross here so she s not entirely in the past. If my partner was paying for counselling sessions for his ex I'd want to know. Wouldn't you?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    While i don't like telling others what they should and shouldn't do with their money, i think you have gone well beyond the bounds of being reasonable by considering paying for the therapy of a woman you broke up with 3 years ago.
    It is a very generous gesture and i'm not trying to belittle the good you are doing but it seems ... excessive and unnecessary. I might be a bit on the cynical side (esp when money is involved) but if you trust her and want to continue funding this - carry on.
    No need to tell your current squeeze how you spend your money. It's yours.

    Counselling sessions should be around €50-80 p/hr for Dublin or the higher scale. If you're donating more than that, i think there could be a scam.

    Feel free to pay me for my advice...i need new shoes😢


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 539 ✭✭✭bertsmom


    I think what you have done by contributing to her counselling sessions until now is a very nice gesture and shows you to be a kind person however I think it may be time to cut all contact and financial aid to your ex. I can't see why she felt the need to approach you for money in the first place as free/low cost sessions are very available to anyone in her position. I would never ask an ex for financial aid just as a pride thing myself.
    You owe this girl nothing, As adults we all make decisions, some we regret some we don't but at the end of the day we are responsible for our own decisions and she needs to move on from you and your wallet.
    I would just explain what you outlined in your post to your current partner IF you want to but I don't think she has any absolute right to know or anything. It is your own business as it's not like you were using a combined bank account to fund it. We all have exes and past histories with other people I don't think everyone needs to tell or hear all their partners past issues and dramas. Best of luck in your current relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,165 ✭✭✭Anatom


    I think you're very generous to be contributing to the counselling. It strikes me that you still feel somewhat responsible for her situation - even just a little bit - and helping her to get through it is a nice thing to do. I'd go with your first instinct and contribute for a little while longer and then quietly call a halt. Something must have happened lately for her to contact you directly again out of the blue, so maybe the counselling is having an effect.

    In terms of the second point, I'd definitely tell your current partner about it as soon as possible. How you do that depends on you and I don't know you or your situation to be able to comment on that. Her finding out through some other way will only lead to grief though.

    Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    You have done more than enough for your ex to ensure that she had appropriate support given the situation you found yourselves in together. It strikes me that you transfer the money and don't give much thought as to whether she actually uses it for the purpose it is intended.

    Your ex getting in touch in October could have been for several reasons; yes the counselling may be working and she may be genuinely struggling the sessions. It's also the lead up to Christmas, and your ex also cheated on you.
    You don't owe her any form of compensation for the ending of the relationship, whether it be financial or emotional. Cut it off now, and begin focusing on mending your current relationship and trust with your partner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there

    OP here. Thanks for the advices.

    Ive dropped her a text to let her know I had reconsidered and wouldnt be contributing any more.

    No response.

    I think I needed to get some perspectives. The thread can be closed now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 500 ✭✭✭justfillmein


    bertsmom wrote: »
    I think what you have done by contributing to her counselling sessions until now is a very nice gesture and shows you to be a kind person however I think it may be time to cut all contact and financial aid to your ex. I can't see why she felt the need to approach you for money in the first place as free/low cost sessions are very available to anyone in her position. I would never ask an ex for financial aid just as a pride thing myself.
    You owe this girl nothing, As adults we all make decisions, some we regret some we don't but at the end of the day we are responsible for our own decisions and she needs to move on from you and your wallet.
    I would just explain what you outlined in your post to your current partner IF you want to but I don't think she has any absolute right to know or anything. It is your own business as it's not like you were using a combined bank account to fund it. We all have exes and past histories with other people I don't think everyone needs to tell or hear all their partners past issues and dramas. Best of luck in your current relationship.

    I like this whole post^

    I think abortion would be a very personal thing between the two involved.

    I don't think it's something you NEED to discuss with any future partners.
    but you do owe it to your current partner to figure out how you will cut contact with the ex one way or another


This discussion has been closed.
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