Dating, careers, pay grades!

LegacyUser

This may sound ridiculous but it seems to have become an issue for me, so here goes! I’m a 38 year old single man, I’m currently using a dating app, having not dated for a year or so, I just needed a break. I’m getting lots of matches and messages from girls so that’s all good. I have a good but not amazing income, own my own house in Dublin, with a small mortgage, close enough to town (it’s not D4 but it’s all I could afford), so I’m pretty comfortable.
However for some reason the women I’m talking to all seem to be lawyers, doctors, successful career types, and I think I kind of feel like they are out of my league and feel like “who am I kidding?” when I try and imagine going out with someone like that. I’m from a working class area, but the 3 women I’m talking to now (2 solicitors, one doctor), are from quite affluent parts of Dublin. I now live in an ex corporation house. They are all keen to meet up but I guess I must have low self-esteem or something because I can’t help but think why would they want to go out with someone like me?
I’m not the most ambitious person when it comes to my career, I just do what I have to do to get by, but I would consider myself intelligent, I just never found a career path that particularly excited me.
So should people try and date people within their own kind of social status, pay scale etc? The thing is the women on these apps who are my age all seem to be career women with great jobs.
I hope this post doesn’t come off as silly but I just don’t know if I should bother meeting these women or not!
Thanks for reading

Tigger99

I'd be one of those type of women and a difference in income wouldn't bother me at all at all. I'm far more interested in a man's character than what he earns.

I think you'd be mad not to meet them. Good luck

GingerLily

These women earn there own money - they don't need a man to take care of them so don't worry about the payscale element. You could run into difficulties if these women expect you to be as ambitious as they are career wise - but I don't see why they would think of you that if you've been honest with them.

Definitely meet them and see - not everyone want to date the male/female version of themselves, some people prefer to be around people who are the opposite.

And whatever you do - don't feel you have to justify your life choices to them, in many(most?) people's eyes you'd be considered successful and there's more to life then work at the end of the day.

LegacyUser

Well clearly your picture & profile& online conversation has piqued their interest. So that's a great start!
Maybe they're from similar backgrounds to yourself, maybe they're renting or house sharing, maybe they've dated Alpha males& decided they clashed with them, maybe they have an actual passion for their jobs rather than being in it solely for the money, maybe they're the sort of people who introduce themselves by their name& interests rather than their job title & social standing?
Give them -& yourself- a chance!

Vela

You sound pretty successful to me. And anyone who judges you based on that kind of thing isn't worth the time of day anyway, IMO.

Sleepy

In almost any family that want children, there has to be a partner who's less focused on their career so they can be the primary care-giver imo. Someone like yourself should be the ideal partner for a career-driven woman!

Yellow pack crisps

you won’t know until you go out on dates. You’re basing it all on your own interpretation of everyone else, pretty unhealthy. What’s really behind your negativite thoughts?

justfillmein

just wondering, if op finds these woman out of his league,
how would he feel about dating someone that worked part time in the local deli?
or maybe a single parent on social welfare?


I think i'd be in the same boat in that i'd feel intimidated by someone that I felt was more educated/successful than I am(I know I shouldn't feel like that, but...)
however I actually wouldn't be the type to look down on someone who was in a less fortunate situation than I'm in(except for if they had a career in drug dealing:P)


so maybe that's how these women see you.

maybe you could put some details of your work in your profile?
or write in your description that you are 'happy and successful with what you have, but you are no doctor, wink wink' ??

either way, as someone has already said, you are getting traffic your way, so you are doing something right:p

Teyla Emmagan

justfillmein wrote:

maybe you could put some details of your work in your profile? or write in your description that you are 'happy and successful with what you have, but you are no doctor, wink wink' ??

No, that makes it sound like the OP is apologising for what he does. And has a doctor fetish.

All you need to be is yourself OP and if you are a decent guy that is enough. These women are just looking for a good person to be in a relationship with. It doesn't matter if you're a rocket scientist or not. You are holding down a job, are self aware, articulate and have bought your own house! That will make you like the best catch on most of those sites

LegacyUser

Well I met the doctor, and the lawyer. Both a waste of time, they were lovely and all but zero chemistry. I am sick to death of dating at this stage! I think I’m burnt out by it all. I joined bumble over the Xmas and am getting plenty of messages but when it comes to meeting up I just don’t see the point any more. I am never attracted to them really. It’s been many years since I had that spark with someone.
How does one go about meeting women in the flesh these days? Oh I just got a new bumble message, ha.

SimpleDimples

I don't want to sound insensitive but come on.....are you mad?

Speaking as a single women in my 30s & with many single female friends also, do you know how difficult it is to find a normal, decent, single man in their 30s?

People lke you are like golddust. You have women crawling all over you and you are still having doubts? They can't all be wrong!

You clearly have a decent profile, must be somewhat attractive and obviously good at conversation.

Trust me they don't care what you do or don't earn - they have their own money, yours is completely irrelevant, they just want to meet a nice guy!

justfillmein

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

No, that makes it sound like the OP is apologising for what he does.

actually, you might be right there.



*that's why i'm not on any of those sites, i'd overthink everything, and make myself out to be a total gob****e:o

Debtocracy

SimpleDimples wrote: »

I don't want to sound insensitive but come on.....are you mad?

Speaking as a single women in my 30s & with many single female friends also, do you know how difficult it is to find a normal, decent, single man in their 30s?

People lke you are like golddust. You have women crawling all over you and you are still having doubts? They can't all be wrong!

You clearly have a decent profile, must be somewhat attractive and obviously good at conversation.

Trust me they don't care what you do or don't earn - they have their own money, yours is completely irrelevant, they just want to meet a nice guy!

I doubt the OP is as successful as he's implying. He's probably getting attention but not from the women he feels most attracted to. There's a sense of frustration there that I wouldn't expect if most woman was crawling all over him.

I agree that a decent guy can get a lot of attention in their 30s. However, what women consider a 'decent' guy is usually someone who is educated, in a good job, tall and has a balanced personality - all of which would put such a guy in the top 20%.

To answer the original question, yes, the OP's chances of success with a doctor or lawyer will be significantly lower than say a women in an average job. In particular, doctors are hugely competitive, more concerned about social status than the average person so the idea that they'd settle for just a warm personality is a bit naive. Below is one of the original studies that showed about half of female doctors marry another doctor.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10068390

If I had to guess I think the problem here is not high flying female professionals on dating apps as they would make up only a small proportion. I think the OP is just finding online dating difficult (like the vast majority of men) and thinks that maybe his educational or professional status may be the problem. In the same way some men think that they're too nice, they're too short, they're not muscley enough etc.

When in reality women are just very choosy and this makes most men feel inferior. So rejection is a normal part of life for guys, no matter what age. Don't get too obsessed that a particular attribute of yours is the reason as it's like trying to figure out why someone likes certain music and not others. If you meet enough people things eventually click into place.

Funny Feeling

How does one go about meeting women in the flesh these days?

Plenty of women out in town just pick the places you go (January problem not the best for going out). Lot's of pubs/clubs cater for an older crowd without being an auld fellas pub or full of the youth!! There is a pub in Dublin that runs a singles night each month (haven't been so don't know what its like)

Bambi985

I used the dating apps in my late 20s and used to see lots of high-flying types in their 30s, doctors and lawyers and the like, always just assumed the walk up the career ladder left little time for much else and they hadn't been as lucky romantically as a result.

I'd agree with a lot of people here - as a single woman in my 30s with a good job and successful career, I'd simply be looking for someone who was on the same page as me and who had their sh1t together, simple as. Who was independent, self-sufficient, smart with money and worked hard. Couldn't give an arse's notion if he was a CEO or a teacher, as long as all of the aforementioned traits were there. Believe me it's bloody hard to find.

As successful women they are probably looking for those things too, with the benefit of perspective to know that those blokes aren't necessarily doctors or lawyers either. Maybe dating those fellas hasn't worked out for them or has simply not been something they wanted to do. Lord knows I'd never date someone in my profession ever again for a vast array of reasons.

Honestly op, there are so many messers on these things and so, so, so many reasons why you'll never get beyond date number 1 or 2 with anyone you'll meet, it really is self-defeating to go in with an inferiority complex. Maybe you won't be physically attracted to her, maybe you'll be on entirely different pages personality-wise, maybe there'll be no spark etc. Best to leave your judgements for when you've met in person having established an online rapport and just take it from there. Being a decent, honest and loyal person is what will win out at the end of the day IME.

MoonshineMonty

Senior Fiesta wrote: »

Well I met the doctor, and the lawyer. Both a waste of time, they were lovely and all but zero chemistry. I am sick to death of dating at this stage! I think I’m burnt out by it all. I joined bumble over the Xmas and am getting plenty of messages but when it comes to meeting up I just don’t see the point any more. I am never attracted to them really. It’s been many years since I had that spark with someone.
How does one go about meeting women in the flesh these days? Oh I just got a new bumble message, ha.

You need to take a break from dating if you're this sick from it. Try again in a few months time if you want. I felt like this last year and completely gave up. Tried again in the summer and I gave someone I would never even consider a chance and we've been seeing each other since.

Bambi985

Ah just saw your update. Not really surprised tbh, that's the way online dating goes 90% of the time in my experience.

Looking within your existing social network is usually the best way to meet someone. Friends of friends and whatnot. How socially active are you generally? Are there any opportunities within your current group of friends EG the lads' girlfriends'/wives' female friends, someone in your gym that you see regularly, that girl from college/school/where ever that you always see down the local at Christmas, etc?

I recently hooked up with a friend from college who I'd just never really looked at "that way" beforehand despite us being relatively friendly for over a decade. He's just always been one of the gang. If we were in the same country we'd probably be dating now but alas... that's the kind of thing I mean. It does require a more ballsy real-life approach which is not always for the faint-hearted, esp when it's someone you kinda know, but hey, new year, new challenge. Give it a shot, sure why not :pac: