Am I being fair?

LegacyUser

I'm single around 3 or so months. Last relationship was 2 years and ended badly. They cheated.

I took time to deal with the break up and can say I feel I'm over the hurt and anger mostly.

I recently joined a dating site and met a really nice guy. We had our first date this weekend and it was honestly the best first date ever. They were so down to earth and we got on amazingly, everything just felt natural.

It is very early days but initially I wanted to have a few dates and enjoy getting to know someone.

We already have a second date planned. I've been open about being newly single which hasn't deterred this new person.

I guess I would like opinions as to whether I am being fair to this new person. We both see potential and I can see us having a few dates, which is all I'm thinking at this stage.

I am rusty when it comes to dating and single life. I'm not necessarily looking to jump into something else but it is not everyday you meet someone like this and click right away.

Any opinions or other experiences would be great appreciated.

Rubberchikken

Take things slowly. Enjoy each date and see how things go.

leggo

It depends on how you're feeling. You seem to be leaning towards, "I like being single, getting attention and dipping my foot into the dating scene, but I really don't want anything now and feel like I'm using this guy," which you don't want to say because it sounds harsh. It's not harsh, it's a totally fair state of mind, but I'd also communicate that very clearly and let him make up his own mind. If you notice yourself holding back from that because you want to keep him around, but still feel the same about it going further

I've stopped using Tinder for the most part because I've come across multiple people in this situation who've misled me as to what they're looking for to keep me invested, then kinda patronise and shame me when they freak out once it gets to a certain stage and I'm hoping for more whereas they're not emotionally there. It's the most frustrating thing ever and, when they inevitably get more emotionally stable and come back looking for something more, their chance has gone because the way I see it they've used me once already. These days I outright say it early on, and it leads to less dates but I'm not in that situation getting wound up all the time, so on balance I'm happier. On the flip side, there have been a few who have let me know their situation early on, and I'd make up my mind from there and have no ill will towards them.

However if the case is that you're unsure if you like him and want something more, you don't need to know that after 2-3 dates so just carry on as you are without promising or suggesting anything.

LegacyUser

Hi,
OP here.
Thanks for replies.

I did like dipping into the dating scene however I am not solely looking for attention because Tinder/ POF don't fulfil that for me.
I have communicated that I am just looking to date and see what happens. It's hard to find something that feels natural where there is good chemistry.

I totally get that that happens frequently with Tinder.
I do feel I have processed the break up in the most healthy way I knew how. My fear would be bringing any kind of baggage to something new, which is not what I want. And it's good to get your perspective being on the other side.

I did go on a date with a guy a few weeks ago, and he said right out he was looking for something serious and we didn't really get on that well so I told him where I stood outright and didn't see him again.

I just find all of this stuff really about being single tough....have not missed it!

eet fuk

I would suggest arranging a few dates with different people too. I once ended up getting into an awful relationship on the back of a break up like your - I attribute it to still being in “relationship mode” mentally. At first it seemed great as this new person was really into me, but I didn’t take a step back to realize that we weren’t actually right for eachother.

Earlier this year I was in a similar situation again, but I made sure to meet some different people over a few weeks/months and I found it to be quite helpful in understanding what exactly I’m looking for. There are loads of people out there that you will click with straight away if you’re open and you be yourself, so don’t worry if this one doesn’t work out that you won’t find someone again! Also, if it feels good and you’re having fun.... let yourself feel good and have fun!

LegacyUser

Newtodating2017 wrote: »

I took time to deal with the break up and can say I feel I'm over the hurt and anger mostly.

I disagree. 3 months is very little and it's extremely unlikely that you've fully processed one of the most hurtful reasons possible for a breakup, the questions you have a fairly reliable sign of that, your trust, confidence and judgement have all taken a blow that takes some work and time to recover from, not a few weeks.
Perhaps you're being unfair to him, but more importantly you're being very unfair to yourself. I'd suggest you roll back, deal properly with the grief caused by the breakup, then think about moving forward.
I don't think you should pay too much attention to the fact that he's willing to progress in spite of your breakup being so recent, that as likely to be bad judgement on his part as it is a sign that you're ready.

LegacyUser

Of course my trust and confidence have taken a blow. I blocked my ex straight away and have had to process everything without the closure that other break ups have.

I haven't once contacted him. I made a decision to put myself first and that's what I have done. I have focused on myself and even went to a few counselling sessions. I didn't feel I needed to go anymore because I made the decision to move on and live a full life which I do.
I'm 30 and in the grand scheme of my life have had really good experiences with dating and relationships despite this one.

I'm still trying to be considerate of someone else within this all. I guess everyone deals with stuff differently and I was asking for opinions from someone who might have been in a position of dating someone newly single. I was single for 3 years before the last relationship and wouldn't easily give up my independence for just anyone. Thank you your reply.