New guy....hygeine issues

LegacyUser

So, this is really new.

That said, i've really clicked with this guy and I really want to pursue it but there is one MAJOR turn off..

We've only been on 3 dates.

The first date I didn't notice any issues with his hygeine, we had a lovely coffee and chatted loads. We had a little goodbye hug.

The second, I had lunch plans with my friends so we met fairly early in the day to walk my dog. Again, I didn't notice any issues until we had a little goodbye kiss and I got a kind of strong smell of "I didn't shower today". I figured maybe it was his coat or maybe because we were meeting early he didn't have a chance to shower....

The third date, dinner after work, same as the time before, he wasn't reeking but when I went to kiss him I got that waft and he was wearing totally different clothes.

Also, I found myself looking at his skin, he doesn't have very clear skin and it could potentially be hygeine related...if you get what I mean, he doesn't look fresh.

It's a real shame because it seems like such a superficial reason to let go of an otherwise lovely guy but we're going out again tonight and I'm just sitting here really hoping he will shower......I feel like such a bit*h

I guess there's absolutely no way I can subtly suggest he showers more often when I only know him 2 weeks. Any ideas?

Lead

Oh god, there's nothing worse and especially when he's at the stage of trying to impress you. I dont know how you'd get around saying something like this

Xterminator

Hi Op

buy him a lynx gift set as an early christmas present?
worth a try.

woodchuck

I'd find that really off putting. It would be an extremely awkward conversation to have, especially when you barely know the guy. Personally I wouldn't bother and just cut him loose

Addle

You're just going to have to bring it up OP.
Blowjobs after a shower are a good incentive.

kylith

Could you bring it up in a non-judgy way? Maybe say something like 'Did you go to the gym today? You're a bit sweaty'. Don't give him time to say he didn't go to the gym, that way you can alert him to the issue while allowing him to save face by saying he was exercising.

KrustyUCC

You could just be jumping to conclusions

In terms of the second date ye met up and walked your dog

Just as likley that he sweated on the walk as oppossed to didn't shower

Some people just sweat more than others

Still no harm in asking him about it

zoobizoo

Could be that he doesn't use anti perspirant.

If I don't, by the end of the day I'd notice my pits.

Even if I use a deoderant rather than an anti-persirant it happens...


Could be as simple as that...

GingerLily

Could it be a dirty clothing issue? I used to work with a guy who didn't wash his clothes only his mam did at the weekend, so he starred to smell progressively worse from Tuesday to Friday.

beertons

Ask him straight out did he wash today. Or is he wearing clean clothes

Lead

beertons wrote: »

Ask him straight out did he wash today. Or is he wearing clean clothes

You cant ask someone you dont know a question like that.

GingerLily

Lead wrote: »

You cant ask someone you dont know a question like that.

It's probably kinder to him then pretending nothing's wrong

beertons

Lead wrote: »

You cant ask someone you dont know a question like that.

They've had 3 dates. If he doesn't smell good by the fourth, there won't be a fifth.

Be direct, no games.

LegacyUser

Frankly, I wouldn't be bothered having such an awkward conversation this early in. He's a grown man, he should know to shower before a date - he should be trying to impress at this stage and honestly I'd find it a massive turn off if he wasn't bothered. If you think he's worth it, mention it but otherwise keep walking

woodchuck

In terms of people suggesting they hint at it, buy him a gift set etc, this would only be treating a symptom as opposed to the root cause. Unless there is a underlying medical condition, the bottom line is that he's a grown man who doesn't know how to take care of himself!! You're not his mother. It's not up to you to fix this problem. Seriously, I'd just get out now...

Dial Hard

KrustyUCC wrote:

Just as likley that he sweated on the walk as oppossed to didn't shower.

Some people just sweat more than others

Fresh sweat doesn't smell. If he's habitually stinky he's not washing himself and/or his clothes, simple as.

nikkibikki

Lead wrote:

Oh god, there's nothing worse and especially when he's at the stage of trying to impress you. I dont know how you'd get around saying something like this

There's plenty worse....

OP if it bothers you that much, cut him loose.

Emme

OP it will only get worse. I've been there. Dated a guy who was too posh to wash.

On one date he was telling me about a dress code his colleagues sent around the office. Included were: Have a shower every day before coming into work; change your shirt, underwear and socks daily, use a good deodorant. I think it might have been directed at him.

Another time he was telling me that his cleaning lady wanted to wash his dirty clothes but he wouldn't let her

He didn't bother shaving before dates either and it wasn't a trendy stubble, it was just neglect. I ended it because the hygiene situation didn't improve after I told him it would be nice if he could freshen up after work before coming to see me. But it was stale sweat, not fresh sweat. And he didn't have a physical job either.

Yellow pack crisps

Might be not drying is clothes properly or quickly enough and that damp smell is rank! It’s very strong and can smell like it’s BO!

forgodssake

Awful situation . My thinking on it if he is not making an extra effort at the start what will he be like in a few yrs time !!

bertsmom

Op I'm sorry but personal hygiene is a deal breaker for me. I would definitely be saying goodbye to this guy. Sorry if that sounds harsh I don't mean to be

foxatron

You could meet up and if theres a noticeable smell just lift up your own arms and say is that me and have a whiff. Then say no i dont think so it must be you ya smelly bastid. In a nice way of course!

December2012

Can you do it indirectly? Eg mention that “I had a quick shower before coming out. Don’t you just love the feeling of refreshment, etc? Did you get the time to have a shower too? No? How come? Oh I always make time for a shower, particularly for a date!....”

A few laughs, a gentle tone, noticing if he does smell good...

neonsofa

foxatron wrote: »

You could meet up and if theres a noticeable smell just lift up your own arms and say is that me and have a whiff. Then say no i dont think so it must be you ya smelly bastid. In a nice way of course!

I think you're on to something here actually. Just say something along the lines of "someone in this cafe did not wash this morning/Smells of BO in here" in a kind of "can you smell that too?" kinda way as if it didn't even cross your mind that it could be him that stinks. It lets him know exactly what u think of the smell but he'll assume you don't know it's him. If he hasnt washed he will take note and check if its him that smells. If he hasn't made an effort the next time u see him then he obviously doesn't realise there is an issue with not washing or he doesn't care.

blairbear

OP, I have removed myself from platonic friendships because of the other persons poor hygiene, never mind romantic relationships.

It is an absolute deal breaker for me. I guarantee you that his apartment is filthy too btw! Or at least smells bad.

I had an ex who had great hygiene for the first six months of our relationship. He moved apartment and found it tricky to work the immersion (a grown man!!) so stopped bothering to shower unless he had been to the gym. I dumped him partially because of this. I felt like he didn't give a sh*te about me if I could turn up to dates in full make up/a blow dry/fragrant in a new dress and he smelled like wet dog across the restaurant table.

I would ditch him.

Addle

neonsofa wrote: »

I think you're on to something here actually. Just say something along the lines of "someone in this cafe did not wash this morning/Smells of BO in here" in a kind of "can you smell that too?" kinda way as if it didn't even cross your mind that it could be him that stinks. It lets him know exactly what u think of the smell but he'll assume you don't know it's him. If he hasnt washed he will take note and check if its him that smells. If he hasn't made an effort the next time u see him then he obviously doesn't realise there is an issue with not washing or he doesn't care.

I'd have a problem with the lack of effort, but maybe he really just is unaware?

If you're going to decide not to see him again over it, then I think you're as well bring it up.

neonsofa

Addle wrote: »

I'd have a problem with the lack of effort, but maybe he really just is unaware?

If you're going to decide not to see him again over it, then I think you're as well bring it up.

Some people seem to be. That's why I reckon making it clear that there is a smell,and for the sake of his ego pretending you don't know it's him, is the way to go op. It will at least make him think and if he is genuinely unaware after that then it's either call it quits or else be straight up.

If you really like him and can muster the courage, you have nothing to lose by saying it straight. Easier said than done I know. But worst that can happen is he thinks you're a bitch and he ends it. Same result as if you decide to end it now. Best outcome, he appreciates the honesty, washes himself more often and you both live happily ever after.

lazybones32

It is BO, right?
I got a new dryer and my clothes smell worse coming out than they did pre-wash.

No easy way to broach the topic, op. Being direct is the only route...

Icepick

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you need to sort it out.
Plenty of guys you will click with who can take care of themselves out there.

Smile111

I bet he is already aware of the problem.Be gentle.

murpho999

KrustyUCC wrote: »

You could just be jumping to conclusions

In terms of the second date ye met up and walked your dog

Just as likley that he sweated on the walk as oppossed to didn't shower

Some people just sweat more than others

Still no harm in asking him about it

Sorry but fresh sweat does not smell. Older stale sweat does.

In terms of the OP, might be best to delicately mention that you notice something.

He might be morto but if he likes you he'll take it on board and do something about it or explain what's going on.

Bunny Colvin

Why even bother bringing it up! You're only three dates in, just walk away. If he couldn't be bothered showering now then what's it gonna be like later?

osarusan

Addle wrote: »

If you're going to decide not to see him again over it, then I think you're as well bring it up.

+1.

If this is the only thing that is a problem with him (at this early stage), then why not bring it up?

It'll be difficult, and it might not work out well...but then again it might.

If it does, then great.

If it doesn't, he's out of your life anyway.

SATSUMA

I think its all in the approach. Say it in a light hearted way... maybe hes nervous and sweats before seeing you! Maybe he has a deviated septum and cant smell himself! Maybe his washing machine is broken. Maybe hes on antibiotics which can affect BO. Maybe hes just dirty. Who knows.

Whatever the reason its bothering you so you will have to tackle it some way. You cant lose a good guy over something like this. But you cant be with someone whos scent is unnattractive either!

Go in for a hug and say "theres some bang off that jumper man!" Blame it on the jumper...

Good luck

SB_Part2

I don't envy you OP. A guy who I had normally only met in a group situation ended up getting a lift home with me one day. It wasn't until we were in close confined space that I got a BANG of BO off him. Didn't have the heart to tell him and it turned me right off him.

_Whimsical_

I think this is definitely not worth ending something you could see developing into more over.
Say something light hearted to him, say you love the smell of some brand of shower gel on a man and that he should get some,say anything at all .

If he pays no attention let him go. If he makes an effort then give him a chance. This is a very early remedied problem. If you don't say something then the next girl will and most likely he'll head of into the sunset showered and aftershaved with her. If that thought irks you then speak up in a non insulting way now.

Malayalam

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Might be not drying is clothes properly or quickly enough and that damp smell is rank! It’s very strong and can smell like it’s BO!

This.
Lads can be bad at drying their clothes and once garments have got that musty smell only a good scour with baking soda has any chance of getting rid of it. Anyway you could separate him from his clothes and decide which reeks?

notsoyoungwan

Malayalam wrote: »

This.
Lads can be bad at drying their clothes and once garments have got that musty smell only a good scour with baking soda has any chance of getting rid of it. Anyway you could separate him from his clothes and decide which reeks?

Easily enough, I reckon!

OP, I'd be one of those advising you say something, rather than just get rid of him. If you say something and he then doesn't address it, that's a different matter, but give him the chance at least.

mikeysmith

I wouldn't bother bringing it up or trying to fix his hygience issue at this early stage

He either brings good hygiene to the table or he doesn't and if he doesn't cut him loose

Bambi985

I'd find it really hard to get excited about being intimate with someone who didn't take care of their personal hygiene to be honest. It's kind of one of those basic things that you learn about and make a habit of at an early age so I wouldn't be too optimistic about a "few words" having any kind of behavioural impact for more than a few days. You either get that showering and smelling clean is important or you don't, you know?

Go ahead OP if you think he's worth sticking around for, but be prepared to be constantly annoyed and infuriated by this down the line - it's three dates in and you're already bothered by it.

sbsquarepants

Some people just smell worse than others - might not be hygiene related at all.
But if it was me - I'm not going out with no smelly bugger, that's just the end of that. Superficial or not, I don't care, I'm just not doing it!

_Whimsical_

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd find it really hard to get excited about being intimate with someone who didn't take care of their personal hygiene to be honest. It's kind of one of those basic things that you learn about and make a habit of at an early age so I wouldn't be too optimistic about a "few words" having any kind of behavioural impact for more than a few days. You either get that showering and smelling clean is important or you don't, you know?

I would be of the opinion that no one wants to be smelly. I would worry that when someone lets that basic aspect of self-care go in their life they're usually some massive stress or are seriously struggling on some level even if it's no apparent. That's why I'd give someone a chance to remedy it. It could be like someone says too that he might be naturally a bit smellier. I know one guy who has a smell from his breath that can pervade the air around him at times and it turned out it's caused by a recurring infection in his sinus which he is utterly mortified about it means he's very nervous about dating or working with people.

I could be wrong but I've never met anyone yet who's just not given a damn about these kind of things or had a life long habit of being smelly. I'd be slow to judge someone on it. That said I wouldn't judge the OP for deciding it's not for her either.