Survivor guilt

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't really know if this is the right place to post, but I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone has experienced this or can offer advice.

When I was 26, life was great, then I was diagnosed with cancer, after 1.5 years I was healed cured all clear, but Ive never felt the same.

It's about 5 years now since I got the all clear and my life is stagnant. I've never had a career (one was just beginning when I was diagnosed, but that all crumbled), my life has been a constant jump from contract jobs, unable to secure permanent employment while I see everyone else around me having great jobs, savings, getting married having kids ..and me ...I see none of this happening for me.

I have gone back to college re-trained, and my family were so hopeful that after I finished that surely I could land a permanent job, nope. string of interviews, no job. no nothing.

I feel, like a waste. I feel pity from my family, like they see no hope for me and I often feel like a burden that they spend so much time worrying about me and what I am doing.

I don't have many friends, if any tbh. There were people I was with in hospital, younger than me, who died, or read stories about all the great things cancer survivors do after surviving - and I just feel guilty and embarrassed for myself.

I can't get out of this rut. Whenever I drink now, I end up crying.

I feel guilty, for feeling ungrateful that I am alive, I feel jealous of those around me and as a result have started to withdraw from my family to avoid questions about "any luck with a job..."

I don't really know what to do, I don't think talking to a therapist is going to help, not that I could afford 50euro+ to see one once a week or anything anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Rubberchikken

What do you want to do with your life?
You've come through a lot and maybe talking to someone about it could help.
There are cancer support groups that are free to attend. Maybe talking to someone there might help.
You're family would have been terrified when you were I'll. Afraid that they were going to lose you. Delighted now that you've the all clear and probably hoping that you'll get a chance to live your life now.
Do you ever talk with them about any of This?

punisher5112

Well first off do not think of it the way you are.

Don't feel guilt as you have gone through the ringer and do not be down about it if at all possible.


What do you want to do career wise or would you maybe like to take some time away from looking for a few weeks or so and maybe travel to get some space and clear your head.

Katgurl

I am older than you op but i was diagnosed with cancer in my mid 30's and it really rocked me.

I also received the all clear but tbh it took much longer for me to fully accept it.

My advice is to just accept how you feel now but know you won't feel like this forever. Like everything else, it will pass. There are cancer support charities (i went to cancer care) which offer free counselling, yoga etc for people who have experienced cancer.

Regarding your job - can you take a less demanding job than the one you qualified for just to get you started? If you need to explain gaps on your cv to potential employers be honest about your medical history.

As for your family - they don't pity you, they just care about you and want to see you catch a break. Don't push them away and let them know you're struggling. Its all high drama and adrenaline when the diagnosis, treatments, biopsies and followups are going on and can feel lonely and surreal afterwards.

Give yourself time to get used to this new healthy reality.

Tenigate

Hi Op. I don't think what you're describing is survivor's guilt.

I think it's more, you were 26 then and you're 32-33 now.

Many people have set-backs in life and it is tempting to take one traumatic past event (accident or illness, death of family member, child abuse, loss of home or job) then take your unhappy present situation, and allow your mind to spin a narrative that not only was it the reason for your present unhappiness, but it will most likely continue on into the future until you can be fixed.

Ignoring the past and working on the premise that you're unhappy right now.. see if there are reasons for unhappiness.

1. No career/permanent employment.
Make sure you're not conflating the two. Could you have a career by working toward something, even if the pay wasn't good or required you to work temp jobs for a few more years? Or could you find a permanent job if you stopped worrying about a "good" career?

2. Big source of unhappiness is comparing yourself to others.. "great jobs, savings, getting married having kids .." life can be tough for everyone at times. They may have relationship problems, money problems, etc. So stop worrying about other people and definitely stop comparing yourself to them.

3. Next source if unhappiness is mind-reading.. you feel your family were hopeful, and you feel pity from them.. these are manifestations of your own mind. If you could really mind-read, you'd probably discover that yes, they're worried about you because they can see you're not happy.

Parental values can be crippling as kids grow, due to how much praise is given for education between the ages 4 and 20. And as you chose to do even more courses in college, your family probably genuinely shared your excitement about passing exams and stuff.
But if you found happiness without a particular college cert or job, I'm sure they wouldn't begrudge you it.

4. "I can't get out of this rut. Whenever I drink now, I end up crying."
Well, this is an easy one. Alcohol is a depressant after all. So, just to point out without patronising, but booze is a source of unhappiness for many individuals for one reason or another.

Many therapists operate on a sliding scale, especially student counsellors who can be highly trained and need to get their hours up. If you have €200-300 to put aside for 6-8 weekly sessions it could be well worth it.

LegacyUser

I don't know why you feel a few sessions of therapy wouldn't help, but the rest of your post screams that it would be of huge benefit to you. It needn't be as expensive as you think either, the Irish Cancer Society have free support services for survivors of cancer.