Missed birth/death

Roger Mellie Man on the Telly

My Dad wasn't present at my birth - he was in the greenhouse potting tomatoes. This was in the early 1970's.

I wasn't present at his death - I was asleep at home. Received a telephone call early in the morning to say that he'd died.

I have mixed emotions - he was whacked out of it on morphine so he probably didn't have a moment of lucidity before he went, although I'll never know. He may even have stirred, noticed my absence and called me a bollocks, although I'll never know.

Do you consider it bad form to miss births and deaths?

Foweva Awone

Just like everyone missed the birth and death of this thread? :pac:

Harry Palmr

I'll be there for my death, as I was for my birth.

blaze1

When I got the call my nan was in a bad way I got the ferry back to the UK, got a call when I got of the ferry to tell me she had died.

Got a call to say my mam was in bad way, she died when I was getting on my flight back to see her.

Same with my dad.

Sucks to live a different country.

Sue Pa Key Pa

I missed my Father's death by 30 minutes last December . Today is of many since then that I have struggled with that

Hannibal_Smith

Sorry about your dad dying.

My dad wasn't there for any of our births (also in the 70s). I don't think it was the done thing for father's to be present at the birth? I don't think it's bad form at all.

As for your dad's death, no it's not bad form. That's the way it goes Sometimes. I would very much doubt he cursed you. I would think in our very final moments, your body is looking after itself and letting it take it's course is all that goes on.

Tokyo

I've missed the deaths of loved ones over the years, sometimes by mere minutes, which was a hard thing for me to accept at the time.

That being said, time has taught me that death is but a single moment in a long lifetime of events. A far better measure who you are to that person and who that person is to you is the lifetime of events shared, rather than the single one at the end.

hairyslug

I missed my mas death, it was late, I decided to go home, had just arrived home and sat on the couch when I got a call to come back in.

Was there for my dads.

Crap, forgot, I was there for my 3 childrens births.

fineso.mom

I have a lot of siblings. When my mother died we were all there around her bed with my dad. Except for one brother who was on the way home. When my dad died a few years later, it just happened that none of us was there at that precise time ,except for that brother.

I was present for all my children's births, as their mother I felt it was only right.

Sciprio

I haven't witnessed any births but deaths yes. I seen my older sister complain of a pain in her right eye then she dropped to the floor and began making noises. She had a brain aneurysm and died.

The_Valeyard

Sciprio wrote: »

I haven't witnessed any births but deaths yes. I seen my older sister complain of a pain in her right eye then she dropped to the floor and began making noises. She had a brain aneurysm and died.

Christ,

That sounds absolutely awful, not sure how you deal with that?

Sciprio

The_Valeyard wrote: »

Christ,

That sounds absolutely awful, not sure how you deal with that?

There's nothing you can do really but she did help five other people as my family agreed to donate her organs so she's still out there helping other people live their lives.

The_Valeyard

Sciprio wrote: »

There's nothing you can do really but she did help five other people as my family agreed to donate her organs so she's still out there helping other people live their lives.

Oh wow, thats amazing.
Great that in such a tragic and shocking time, for someone else, another chance a life. Shows why we should all be carrying doner cards.

Rubberlegs

My Dad wasn't at my birth in '73. My mother sent him home as he was a bag of nerves and only distracting her by saying he didn't like it there. A nurse rang him when I finally appeared just before midnight and when told he had a little girl he said "That's grand "
I was there at his death. I often wonder did he know he didn't have long left as he started saying stuff like "take a photo of me with my girls, it may be the last one " and how he hoped to die with us on each side of him holding his hands. Us being horrified just told him to shut up, he wasn't going anywhere . He got his wish though, as that was exactly how he died.

Joeseph Balls

Missed my grandad death by 5 minutes. He lived and died alone and troubled. Feel sorry about that but nothing I could do.
Spent two days with my granuncle (more a grandad than my grandad) by his side in hospital whilst he raved in the bed. At one point he opened his eyes, turned to me and said 'I'm dead, are you dead too?' and fell back asleep, shortly followed by giving out to me for not letting the pigs out that morning and they get upset being locked in during the day. He hadn't kept pigs for 60 years.
I said bye at 11pm, gave his hand a squeeze and left, to return at 4am to relieve my uncle on watch. Got into bed, gave herself a hug, and my phone rang. That was that.
Will never forget the last thing he said in his right mind. I was cutting up a tree that fell on his yard and went in for a drink of water when his home help asked is that you grandnephew, and he replied he's my grand grandnephew. An hour later my gran pulled up to bring him to the docs as he 'starting feeling funny'.

Sue Pa Key Pa

Sue Pa Key Pa wrote: »

I missed my Father's death by 30 minutes last December . Today is of many since then that I have struggled with that

Forgive yourself, as you know your father would.

freshpopcorn

When my grandmother died she wasn't with it for the final few weeks. We were with her for the majority of the time in the hospital but she always said she wanted die alone. She was left alone for a few minutes and then she died.

Friend of mine has two sons. When the second was born there was a John Wayne season on BBC2. He sent her packing in a taxi because they were showing The Shootist and he'd never seen it. Told her "sure wasn't I there for the last fella!".

Same guy signed his ten year anniversary card to his wife with "'tis well for you!"

soups05

My father died after we sat in hospital all night with most of family there. A brother was on way from another country, another arrived early morning from far end of Ireland. Mum insisted we went home for some sleep, just got home and laid down and got the call to say he died. He had not been conscious since previous evening so no guilt, he never knew.

When mum died a few years later she had been in hospital for a few days quite weak. was visiting each day and was gonna skip one as I was busy redecorating her kitchen as a surprise for her. Ended up going up to visit and she was in great form, back to her old self, a pleasure to see. She passed away in her sleep that night. If I had not gone up then the guilt would certainly be strong there.

As for the births, was at 1st, 3rd and 4th. had to miss 2nd. As the kids got older there was no real difference. They did not care if I was there or not lol. They all grew up fine, well balanced, great kids.

except for the youngest, a traitorous, me me me, self centred little brat who will regret her behaviour as she gets older. Turned her back on the entire family for a momentary gain. She will miss our deaths when they come and I hope it burns her soul for the rest of her life. (not that am bitter at all ;P)

Joeseph Balls

soups05 wrote: »

except for the youngest, a traitorous, me me me, self centred little brat who will regret her behaviour as she gets older. Turned her back on the entire family for a momentary gain. She will miss our deaths when they come and I hope it burns her soul for the rest of her life. (not that am bitter at all ;P)

We obviously don't know the ins and outs but that's quite sad. I hope she realises her errors and ye can reconsile

whoopsadoodles

Seems wrong to be thanking some of these posts

4Ad

1.40 am 14th of June 2014, (I wont ever forget it) I was the only one there when my poor Ma passed...happy I was there to say Goodbye and know she wasn't alone.. I was always very close to my Ma.
Felt sorry for my Father and brother who arrived a few minutes late..

Sardonicat

Phoned the sisters who were staying about 8 miles away that mom who had been terminally ill was about to die.This was at about 8 am.
They showed up 1 hour later with freshly blow dried hair and carefully applied make up 20 minutes after our mother had died and proceeded to scream abuse at me for not calling them sooner. She had literally been dying for days. The reason they were not staying at the family home is they wanted to spend the evening drinking to unwind from a hard day of care giving, in their case this consisted of sitting in the kitchen and smoking and discussing which pieces of my mother's jewellery they wanted. Me and Dad were left alone to deal with my dying mother every night.

One of these poisonous cockroaches has since reaped the karmic reward she so richly deserved. I wasn't there to say good bye. I don't believe she deserved my presence at her passing. The only regret I do have is that I even bothered to go to her funeral. I went so my father wouldn't be upset but I feel like I betrayed myself by partaking in a charade and showing respect to someone who deserved none from me.

_Brian

My dad died young suddenly 10 years ago. I had left maybe 30 minutes earlier. Literally fell out of his standing.

If I had a choice I probably would have opted to be there but there were some family with him and seeing him die lying outside in the street isn’t something I would have wanted to see.

I’ve been with a few relatives at the end, some died peacefully but it’s not the case for everyone, some struggled and resisted to the end, it’s something people don’t often picture but not everyone dies peacefully.

One had to have red sheets fitted to minimise the impact of blood loss at the end. Took me a time to get over that.

4Ad

"They showed up 1 hour later with freshly blow dried hair and carefully applied make up 20 minutes after our mother had died and proceeded to scream abuse at me for not calling them sooner. She had literally been dying for days. The reason they were not staying at the family home is they wanted to spend the evening drinking to unwind'

Are we related ?? As it sounds exactly like my selfish sisters !
Dont get me started....
Sorry gone off topic there !

Hitman3000

soups05 wrote:

except for the youngest, a traitorous, me me me, self centred little brat who will regret her behaviour as she gets older. Turned her back on the entire family for a momentary gain. She will miss our deaths when they come and I hope it burns her soul for the rest of her life. (not that am bitter at all ;P)

Wow!

KERSPLAT!

Different story here... My uncle was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just months later. On his death bed all his immediate family were gathered and some others who he was close to. My mother was on dialysis and, at the time we were called in, was half way through a session.

She was heartbroken that she would miss the chance to say goodbye to her brother, she was particularly close to him. She left one hospital and made her way across, got to the room, said her goodbyes and he passed away minutes later. She believes he waited for her, a lovely thought to have. It definitely helped with her grieving.

Bob Gray

I was lucky to be at all my kids births, circumstances just worked out that I could be there and have a week or so when they got home. My own dad wasn't at any of ours which I've often heard him say he regrets but it just wasn't the done thing back then.

On the other side, my mother in law passed away this week and I got there about 20 minutes before so sad as it was, it was nice to be with her as she passed because her and I were very close friends for 20 years. I had never been there when someone died but I found it surprisingly calming, most likely because it now meant she was at peace as she had been fighting a few battles.
On a side note, she was a hard nosed business woman who worked her fingers to the bone to, what I can only describe as, fund her generosity. If my wife and I were struggling (and with 3 kids under 4 it happens lol) she'd always help out, especially around Christmas. This week my wife and I both received tax refunds totalling €750, both cheques were dated the day she died. There's the kids presents sorted. It's a funny old universe isn't it? ; )

Kalimah

I missed my mother's death in '86 as I chickened out of going into her room in the hospice when she was dying. She was 50 My excuse is I was 23. My father died 4 years later - I was 28. I wasn't there either. Still wasn't able to face that finality.
My mother in law died two years ago. I was there at the end. I'll never be afraid of death after that. It was amazingly peaceful.

andekwarhola

My dad wasn't at my birth. I'm in my mid 40s and born in England. He claims that it wasn't the cultural thing for Dads to attend births then. He was in a pub across the road from the hospital waiting with a load of others dads for the call. He could be possibly be stringing me along with this tale but he's never been a big drinker so I've no cause to disbelieve it :pac:

If it's true, i feel sorry for him because seeing my kids born was probably the most vivid experiences of my life.

Hitman3000

andekwarhola wrote:

My dad wasn't at my birth. I'm in my mid 40s and born in England. He claims that it wasn't the cultural thing for Dads to attend births then. He was in a pub across the road from the hospital waiting with a load of others dads for the call. He could be possibly be stringing me along with this tale but he's never been a big drinker so I've no cause to disbelieve it

I'm 45, I wanted to be at the birth of my first. I was 19 told by the nursing staff no. Fast forward to when I was 29 asked by the midwife would I like to cut the cord. I declined but both my boys know I love them.

The One Doctor

Hitman3000 wrote: »

I'm 45, I wanted to be at the birth of my first. I was 19 told by the nursing staff no. Fast forward to when I was 29 asked by the midwife would I like to cut the cord. I declined but both my boys know I love them.

It doesn't make sense to ask the father to cut the cord. Think about it.

Luckily I wasn't asked because the midwife was a bit worried about the birth (all was well in the end though).

rustynutz

Missed my fathers death by 5 mins, he was only 51. He dropped to the floor one Sunday morning clutching his chest and my mother rang an ambulance, my father instructed me to drive to the head of the road to meet the ambulance, when I returned he had died, at least my mother was with him so he wasn't alone.

I was present for both my kids births, definitely a memory that will last a lifetime

the_pen_turner

I cant understand how anyone would want to be there at that moment. saying goodbye before is much better .
I couldn't be there . the thoughts of it would sicken me. even being there putting down a family pet is terrible I couldn't cop with being there at that moment.

Hitman3000

The One Doctor wrote:

It doesn't make sense to ask the father to cut the cord. Think about it.

You'll have to take that up with the particular midwife. I was asked I declined.

notsoyoungwan

the_pen_turner wrote: »

I cant understand how anyone would want to be there at that moment. saying goodbye before is much better .
I couldn't be there . the thoughts of it would sicken me. even being there putting down a family pet is terrible I couldn't cop with being there at that moment.

I was there for my aunt's death. I found it very peaceful, and oddly comforting. It's nice to know that she was surrounded by those who loved her right til the end. We don't know if she could hear us by then, but if she could she'd have heard us reciting prayers which would have meant a lot to her as she was deeply religious. It was tremendously comforting to know she was not in distress or pain and had a peaceful death.

Sardonicat

the_pen_turner wrote: »

I cant understand how anyone would want to be there at that moment. saying goodbye before is much better .
I couldn't be there . the thoughts of it would sicken me. even being there putting down a family pet is terrible I couldn't cop with being there at that moment.

It's impossible to know with absolute certainty how aware or not someone is at their time of passing. Supposing that there is some level of awareness, having the presence of your loved ones would give some comfort in the face of dying. I imagine it's much more distressing for the person taking their final bow than it is for the onlooker who might be "sickened" by the spectacle. That's why most people like to be by the side of a dying loved one; to somehow transmit love, support and courage at the time it's needed most of all.

JCX BXC

Had someone close die suddenly in an accident, alone.

You can't be there for every death, in the scheme of things I don't think being there/not being there bothers me that much, there's so much else there to think about.

the_pen_turner

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

I was there for my aunt's death. I found it very peaceful, and oddly comforting. It's nice to know that she was surrounded by those who loved her right til the end. We don't know if she could hear us by then, but if she could she'd have heard us reciting prayers which would have meant a lot to her as she was deeply religious. It was tremendously comforting to know she was not in distress or pain and had a peaceful death.

don't get me wrong. I think it is very important for the dying person to be comforted and 'happy' in the last stages.
but I couldn't be there at that last moments

maybe when my parents time comes I will think differently but now I couldnt

nihicib2

My mother died whilst on holidays with my father in 1992, she was 47, I was 18. It was a sudden death, she had complained of a headache to my dad and had gone upstairs to bed (quite unlike her as she loved to have the craic) and when my dad went upstairs she had gone. With the time/red tape it takes for someone to be taken 'home' from another country it was deemed that my mother's coffin would be best kept closed. I live in a place where the wake is a tradition and I must admit I sat beside her coffin in the wee small hours and twiddled with the small cross type screws that were on top of the coffin. I couldn't believe she was gone, I had convinced myself she had buggered off with a Greek young fella and this was my dads way of coping. It took me a long time to come to terms with the way she died, she deserved better, I just hope she fell asleep and that was that, and that she hadn't been conscious when her heart attack hit her, and hadn't called out for help, I guess we'll never know.

Sorry, maybe this isn't relevant to the thread but Im 46 now and I guess its a weird thing getting so close to the age your parent was when they died. My mother has been dead in my life longer than she has been alive (if that makes any sense) and that again is strange, I don't think about her as often as I used to but I miss her.

Irish Guitarist

I was at my fathers bedside when he was dying. He was out of it and kept getting short of breath. Every so often he would completely stop breathing. My sister was there and she kept panicking, as did I, because every time this happened it looked like it was the end. It sounds terrible but when he eventually did go it was almost a relief to get it over with.

I wouldn't have missed anything if I hadn't been there. It's not like I could talk to him or anything. All it did was cause misery.