Help From Parents

Tobewed

Hi there,

I have a bit of a conundrum...
My partners parents have offered us 5k towards our wedding providing my parents offer the same as they feel it is only fair it is a split between everyone.
How am I supposed to bring this up with my parents or do I?
His parents would be taking a loan and mine would have to do the same.
It would help us immensely and would mean a lot to us but i am not sure I can ask my parents to gift me 5k by taking a loan but on the same hand I don't want to miss out a possibility of a wedding a year earlier?
Thanks for all replies, I just want some honest opinions as I have no-one to bounce the idea off.
Tobewed

OldNotWIse

I think it is generous of them to offer you the money, but they have somewhat taken the goodness out of it by stipulating that your parents do the same. Isn't the spirit of a gift that it comes without strings? I hope you find the answers you are looking for OP, and that you have a lovely day either way.

GingerLily

Please do not accept the "gift" and do not ask your parents to take out a loan.

I've never heard of parents demanding the other side match their gift.

This whole situation would make me very uncomfortable if I were you OP.

o1s1n

If it were me I wouldn't be comfortable asking my parents to do that, as they may feel under pressure to commit to save face even if they're not in a position to.

endacl

Take it, but don’t waste it on a chicken dinner for your relatives.

stargazer 68

Sorry op but I wouldn't take it either. They are either helping you or they aren't. Putting conditions on a gift is just the start imo

woodchuck

I wouldn't accept this "gift". I would never ask my parents to take out a loan unless I was desperate for the money - having a wedding sooner rather than later doesn't count.

Just tell his parents that you really appreciate the offer, but that you're not comfortable with the situation and you'll fund the wedding yourselves.

Loveinapril

Wow, this is insane.
You certainly should not tell your parents about this. A gift is a gift, you don't request one. You should not expect them to go into debt for your wedding. What his parents do is their own business, the cheek of them stipulating what your parents should give!

eviltwin

If they are prepared to take a loan out so be it but they have no right to expect your parents to do the same. I wouldn't even consider accepting with that condition and I wouldn't mention it to your parents. It will put pressure on them to try and find the money and just create bad feeling.

seamus

I think it's unfair in a number of aspects tbh.

A gift should be a gift and not conditional that the "other side" will match it. On top of that, them taking out a loan for it is an unnecessary burden.

If they want to help towards the costs, then fine. But if they're going to attach conditions to it, then politely refuse.

They sound like the kind of people that if they're taking out a loan, then that's a guilt trip they will hold over your head afterwards, "Oh we can't do that, we're still paying back X's wedding".

No, forget that noise. If they need a loan and you don't have the money to cover the wedding, then none of you can afford it. Don't be blinded by the possibility of getting married a year earlier. What's another year?

mcgiggles

I wouldn't be taking it either. That's really rude to put stipulations like that on a present. They don't know your parents situation. Some people don't just have 5k that they can give and tbh I wouldn't be comfortable with my parents having to take a loan out to give me money for my wedding. I'd rather take the loan out myself...

jlm29

That’s an awful thing for them to do. A gift is a gift, and shouldn’t have conditions attached. Your future in laws have no right to dictate what your parents do with money they may or may not have.

Toastytoes

Having someone else take out a loan to fund your wedding is insane. I can’t believe you’re even considering accepting it never mind asking your parents to match it.

scarepanda

I also wouldn't take it either, it's not much of a gift if they are demanding that your parents should do the same. What's it to them what your parents give?

Also, if they have such a ridiculous demand on initial offering of the 'gift' what other demands and stipulations will be attached later on? It might allow you to have your wedding a year earlier, but are you prepared to have the wedding your future in-laws want rather than the wedding ye want? You can be damned sure that any demands they will have will cost far more than the 5k they are 'offering' you (because people don't realise how far 5k doesn't go towards a wedding). AND if you did actually ask your parents to match the in-laws gift, are you prepared for the politics of both sides having their own individual demands of what they do/don't want at your wedding? Weddings are political enough without adding 5/10k from the parents into the mix.

And if you want to get married a year earlier, then pare back your expectations/costs/size of the wedding and have the wedding ye want AND can afford. Don't organise a wedding based on what gifts ye predict ye will receive, only what ye can actually afford without gifts.

lazygal

Is this for real?
No way can your parents be expected to take out a loan to fund a party. I'd nip this once in the bud OP. This smacks of an attempt at financial control. One set of parents offered us money for our wedding, with strings attached. Saying no has paid off long term as we're able to do things on our terms.

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This post has been deleted.

Tobewed

Thank you all for your replies, it has confirmed what I first thought!

splinter65

You can’t afford the wedding you want OP so either wait till you can afford it (maybe never) or have the wedding you can afford.
A wedding gift from parents is, at most, a washing machine or a new bed.
It’s very easy to totally lose your mind very quickly when you pick a date but just row yourself back in and put your sane head back on !

GingerLily

splinter65 wrote: »

A wedding gift from parents is, at most, a washing machine or a new bed.
It’s very easy to totally lose your mind very quickly when you pick a date but just row yourself back in and put your sane head back on !

There is nothing wrong with accepting a large wedding gift from your parents as long as you know that they can afford it.

The OPs future in laws cannot afford it and their parents haven't offered (and the proposal is obsurd anyway), but there is nothing wrong with accepting gifts from your parents, if you feel comfortable doing it.

Sleeper12

I think that you even have to ask the question here that you already know the answer.

So many issues springs to mind. But what jumps out at me is that it could ruin your relationship with your new added family just as you are starting out in marriage life

splinter65

GingerLily wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with accepting a large wedding gift from your parents as long as you know that they can afford it.

The OPs future in laws cannot afford it and their parents haven't offered (and the proposal is obsurd anyway), but there is nothing wrong with accepting gifts from your parents, if you feel comfortable doing it.

What I meant was that in this particular case, if the parents are suggesting that they would have to borrow the 5000, that the most the bride and groom could hope for if everyone was sensible was a new bed.
Sorry if I wasn’t clear.

the_syco

Tobewed wrote: »

My partners parents have offered us 5k towards our wedding providing my parents offer the same as they feel it is only fair it is a split between everyone.

I wonder what other conditions they will be put on your wedding day to allow you to take this "gift"?

splinter65

the_syco wrote: »

I wonder what other conditions they will be put on your wedding day to allow you to take this "gift"?

This is absolutely true too.

Hitman3000

No conundrum, why would you even consider allowing your respective parents place themselves in debt just so you could have a lavish day out? Have the wedding you can afford with your own money.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you can decline their offer, but do it delicately. Tell them you appreciate the offer but that you wouldn't expect them to put themselves in debt to give you a gift, and you wouldn't ask your parents to do that either.

MiliMe

To me this is just crazy, to offer you money with the condition that your parents commit the same?? They have no idea what financial situation your parents are in.
Personally I don't think that any parent should take a loan out to pay for a child's wedding.

Neyite

He who pays the piper, calls the tune

That's especially relevant when it comes to weddings:

At every stage of the planning, you'll get reminded that they took out a loan / were pressurised by the other side to take out a loan for your big day and the least you could do you ungrateful pup you is to have the flowers/ venue/ ceremony/ song that is special to your mother for your wedding...

Save yourself the heartache of it all and look into ways you can have a cheaper wedding you pay for yourselves or work out ways to save harder to bring forward the date of the wedding you want. But most importantly, fund it yourselves.

splinter65

Neyite wrote: »

He who pays the piper, calls the tune

That's especially relevant when it comes to weddings:

At every stage of the planning, you'll get reminded that they took out a loan / were pressurised by the other side to take out a loan for your big day and the least you could do you ungrateful pup you is to have the flowers/ venue/ ceremony/ song that is special to your mother for your wedding...

Save yourself the heartache of it all and look into ways you can have a cheaper wedding you pay for yourselves or work out ways to save harder to bring forward the date of the wedding you want. But most importantly, fund it yourselves.

“My second cousin Chloe Ryan asked us to her wedding. I know we didn’t go but you’ll still have to ask her. I’m going to be REALLY upset if you don’t”
Oh I can hear it from here...

pauliebdub

It's unfair to place that obligation on your parents and a rather strange thing to do. I would tell them thanks but no thanks and to refuse the money.

Lia_lia

Accepting a gift from parents is fair enough, if they have the money. But a loan?! Do people actually do this? Mental. And then asking your parents to do the same? Can't believe this is real.

Jwacqui

I would agree with everybody here. Don’t accept if it comes with strings. My parents very kindly gave us a lump sump towards the wedding as they came into some money a little bit before the wedding.

My husbands parents are a lot older and would never be able to afford the same amount or anywhere near. We purposely never even mentioned what my parents had done or that they even helped as we wanted no pressure put on anyone.

We got a monetary gift from his parents that was extremely generous. We were delighted with their gesture and didn’t compare it to anyone else’s gift.

A gift should be from the heart and not with conditions.

_Dara_

I think it’s strange. Your partner’s parents know nothing of your parents’ finances. It’s a bit presumptuous of them. And puts pressure on your folks. Seems like madness to me to take out a loan in order to gift someone money.

Any way you could afford to turn down the gift? I know that might offend them but they’ve made it awkward by attaching strings.

harr

When I got married it was still kind of the done thing where the brides father would pay towards the wedding and we were lucky that my father in law could make a substantial gift towards the wedding..my family had not got the means to give us a cash gift.
No conditions with the cash gift apart from her parents wanting to invite a few extra to the wedding ,business people my father in law would have known a long time and we had no issues with that seeing as he was paying for it.
But be careful friends of ours recently got married and her dad paid a good portion of costs but nearly every decision they made was questioned ...everything from the venue to the band had to have his approval in the end they returned the cash and had a smaller wedding with them making the decisions... so I definitely would be wary taking cash when they are already putting certain conditions on it

Stoner

It sounds like nobody can afford this wedding.

I'm not sure it's the right thing to ask someone to place themselves in financial debt for a wedding.

I'd either have the wedding I could afford. Or hold off.

You'll end up with a wedding party that everyone will know both parents took out loans to fund.
That's the cheapest party of them all imo.
Do your own thing, have the important people with you on the day and don't mind the rest of the stress.

Tommy Ferguson

Have the wedding and stipulate cash only present @€;100 per person to be paid on day of wedding.

Delphinium

what is your partner's attitude to the present and loan? I would agree with most of the replies. Plan your wedding to be a fun occasion and not a bargaining tool or a debt to be paid off in so may ways and by too many people over the years. Concentrate on the essentials and cut the extras and have a good day, your way.

qwerty13

The only reason that I can think of for his parents to offer money that they don’t have is that you / your partner have been very openly sighing about how expensive everything is / lack of funds on your part / how you can’t get married until x date way in the future.

In that context, the offer to take out a loan for you is a very kind (if nuts) thing to do - and would make sense that they feel if they have to do that, then your ‘side’ should too.

Tommy Ferguson

Tommy Ferguson wrote: »

Have the wedding and stipulate cash only present @€;100 per person to be paid on day of wedding.

Or just set up a go fund me page...

ITMissy

Tommy Ferguson wrote: »

Have the wedding and stipulate cash only present @€;100 per person to be paid on day of wedding.

I always give cash to couples on their wedding day, but if that was stipulated on a wedding invite I received, they would be getting a lovely vase.

_Dara_

Tommy Ferguson wrote: »

Have the wedding and stipulate cash only present @€;100 per person to be paid on day of wedding.

Tongue-in-cheek post, I suspect?

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

The only reason that I can think of for his parents to offer money that they don’t have is that you / your partner have been very openly sighing about how expensive everything is / lack of funds on your part / how you can’t get married until x date way in the future.

In that context, the offer to take out a loan for you is a very kind (if nuts) thing to do - and would make sense that they feel if they have to do that, then your ‘side’ should too.

I’ve thought about this some more. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re the two of you saying how “if you only had 10k more”. Would explain why his parents are trying to borrow half of it for ye? Like not a gift, but a loan that you could repay later?

Peregrinus

On no account accept a gift that requires the donor to go into debt.

On no account accept a gift which is conditional on someone else also making a gift.

On no account suggest to anyone that they should fund your wedding.

Trim your sails. Have the wedding that you can afford without going into debt, without anyone else going into debt, without you having to ask others for funds. If that's a smaller wedding, it's a smaller wedding. Size isn't everything.

Ninja_Go

I haven't read this entire thread but as many others are saying, do not accept a gift if it comes with conditions. And from experience of friends whose parents made significant contributions to their weddings, they'll want a say in who is going, eg just aunts /uncles versus all your cousins and their partners.. they may want a table of their own friends. .. such demands will eat into that 5k anyway so it's a false economy in that sense. They may want a say in the venue, menu, band etc as they believe this is their day too. Politely decline. They will probably give cash anyway closer to the day.

We got married this year and we saved €100 per week for the duration of planning which was about 19 months. We paid off costs as we went and were very lucky to be gifted cash from immediate and some extended family members right before the wedding. This meant we had zero debt going into the wedding and the majority of our guests gifted us cash too.

As for asking your guests for cash gifts as some posters have suggested - don't do it. I find it rude as your guests are already spending a lot on getting there, being there, possibly staying there, getting home, potential babysitters costs, outfits and potential time off work. The majority of people nowadays give cash anyway. We always give cash but if I was asked to give cash it would probably make me give less/no cash and a gift instead. Not everyone is in a position to give cash and asking for it puts them in an awkward position. We were given some really really beautiful gifts that we will treasure forever, and those are really special among all the cards and envelopes you'll get. We would never have expected the generosity of our friends and still can't get over it really!

lawred2

Tobewed wrote: »

Hi there,

I have a bit of a conundrum...
My partners parents have offered us 5k towards our wedding providing my parents offer the same as they feel it is only fair it is a split between everyone.
How am I supposed to bring this up with my parents or do I?
His parents would be taking a loan and mine would have to do the same.
It would help us immensely and would mean a lot to us but i am not sure I can ask my parents to gift me 5k by taking a loan but on the same hand I don't want to miss out a possibility of a wedding a year earlier?
Thanks for all replies, I just want some honest opinions as I have no-one to bounce the idea off.
Tobewed

I wouldn't be asking anyone to take out a loan to cover a wedding. Nor would I accept any gifts that I knew were underpinned by a loan. Or came with such conditions that seem to be attached to this offer.

If they or you can't afford it then you tailor your plans accordingly.

neris

lazygal wrote: »

One set of parents offered us money for our wedding, with strings attached. Saying no has paid off long term as we're able to do things on our terms.

Ive seen the opposite with a friend of mine whos in laws paid for the wedding. They dictated the venue, the menu, the wine, the guest list, the seating arrangments and my friends parents were excluded from any involvement in the wedding plans. It then stretched into married life where the inlaws paid for hospital bills on the birth of their 1st child and now they live in a property owned by the in laws. Theyre basically controlled by her parents and family now.

A gift doesnt come with rules or stipulations OP, politely (to their face) decline this "generous gift" unless the terms change to suit you and your partner

neris

neris wrote: »

Ive seen the opposite with a friend of mine whos in laws paid for the wedding. They dictated the venue, the menu, the wine, the guest list, the seating arrangments and my friends parents were excluded from any involvement in the wedding plans. It then stretched into married life where the inlaws paid for hospital bills on the birth of their 1st child and now they live in a property owned by the in laws. Theyre basically controlled by her parents and family now.

A gift doesnt come with rules or stipulations OP, politely (to their face) decline this "generous gift" unless the terms change to suit you and your partner

There are no bills for childbirth in Ireland. It’s all covered from first GP visit to confirm pregnancy till the babies 6 week checkup.

splinter65

[Deleted User] wrote: »

There are no bills for childbirth in Ireland. It’s all covered from first GP visit to confirm pregnancy till the babies 6 week checkup.

Probably went private Maryanne.
Grandparents most likely insisted.
I’d rather be in the poor house then owe any in laws or family one red cent or feel in any way that I was beholding to them.
People bring these things on themselves by being greedy for the money in the first place.

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

The only reason that I can think of for his parents to offer money that they don’t have is that you / your partner have been very openly sighing about how expensive everything is / lack of funds on your part / how you can’t get married until x date way in the future.

In that context, the offer to take out a loan for you is a very kind (if nuts) thing to do - and would make sense that they feel if they have to do that, then your ‘side’ should too.

I’ve thought about this some more. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re the two of you saying how “if you only had 10k more”. Would explain why his parents are trying to borrow half of it for ye? Like not a gift, but a loan that you could repay later?

I’ve re-read replies since, and this is only thing that makes sense to me: my point that if there was lamenting over the lack of 10k, that his parents offered to take out a loan for half of what they ‘really need’. And that’s why it’s been said as a condition that the other side of the family do the same, ie it was never a gift as such. It was always “we’ll take out a loan for half the amount you say you need, as long as your parents do the same”.

I don’t know if I’m right, but it feels like it makes sense of the situation. And if I am right, the wedding needs to be tailored to the OP’s budget. It sounds like atm that the desired wedding just can’t be afforded financially.

Faith

Mod note: As the OP has not posted to the thread in several weeks, I'm going to lock this as it hasn't managed to die a natural death yet.

OP, feel free to PM if you'd like the thread reopened.