My brother is taking advantage of my parents

rorrissey

I'm 22 years old. I live at home with my parents while I study in university. The house is a bit crowded, because my 35 year old brother lives here too. He never did his Leaving Cert, never went to college. Hasn't worked a day in over 10 years I'd say, unless you count selling the old drug here and there. He's been on the dole and living at home for as long as I can remember.

Growing up with him in the house, there have been bad periods where he has been pretty bad on drugs and then there have been periods where he seemingly calms down and tries to get his life together. I was away this summer, and apparently it got pretty bad for the first time in a while. My parents found him passed out in the house, and he was taken to hospital. They were sure he was going to die from whatever dodgy fake cocaine he had taken. After the "near death experience" (which I wasn't even told about while I was away) everything was fine. He didn't even binge drink for a month or two.

Now he's back on drugs (speed, coke, valium.. Anything he can get his hands on I suspect?) and I haven't seen him this bad since I was about 15. He is going to die soon. He is in an awful state. He has been on a binge for 2 weeks straight. He just fell down the stairs.

My parents are IN COMPLETE DENIAL. My family is well off, my parents both have great jobs. All my siblings have degrees, masters, phds blablabla. We were all brought up really well. He is completely taking advantage of my parents who will never kick him out despite my mother saying it so many times. When I came to my father crying just there, he said "ah sure maybe he isn't as bad as you think he is!". Mom can't even get into her head the mere idea that he takes drugs and choses to believe that all he has is a drinking problem....

I don't know if what I'm saying gives you a good idea of the situation I'm in because my brain is all over the place right now but what on earth can i do?! If my parents kicked him out he would die. But they never will.

What are the options?! Is it possible to get him sectioned?!?!

Mr. Incognito

Their house. Their rules.

Stay out of it

The_Honeybadger

I understand your frustration OP but there really is nothing you can do. Your parents need to make up their own minds about your brother. Stay out of it.

Mongfinder General

Families will break your heart.

I have a brother that I don't get along with. I don't live with him but I don't want him near my wife and kid. I just don't deal with him. I hate being around him.

That's my way of dealing with him. It might sound cold but that's what I find most effective.

Airyfairy12

It sounds frustrating but its not that bad. Tbh id pick your older brother over mine any day.
Theres atleast one in every family but its important to count the positives in your life like youve wealthy parents putting you through college and a family that actually care about you. Youve got more than most.
I know addicts can be very difficult to deal with, ive a fair few in my own family but what I find surprising is the lack of empathy you have for your brother. Is he the oldest? theres a large age gap between you, maybe your upbringings weren't so similar? I have a younger brother who had a totally opposite upbringing to me and my older brother, mostly because we were old enough to protect him and stand up for him if my parents dared abuse him in anyway and as a result he's a completely different person, he doesn't smoke or take drugs and rarely drinks, he enjoyed school and did really well in his education, he's got lovely friends and ive no doubt he'll go far. Me and my brother on the other hand fell into drinking, heavy drugs and smoking at a young age, we both dropped out of school and he's so F'ed up we hardly have a relationship with him. Upbringing can have disastrous effects on a person, it can literally make or break you. Could their denial of his problems be testament to that? If you or another sibling was dealing with issues similar to his would they have the same reaction or would they try to get you help? He may also have an addictive personality, again this is very difficult to overcome and takes a huge amount of willpower. Has he agreed to any treatment? or has he been offered any? He has to want to get well or else nothing will work.

You say he'll die if he's kicked out but your parents never will kick him out... Do you want them too? you want to have him sectioned... he's not a monster, he has an illness. A bit of compassion wouldnt go astray.

notsoyoungwan

Somebody can't be 'sectioned' for treatment of addiction issues, it's one of the specific exclusions under the mental health act.

freshpopcorn

Lots of family has a sibling like your brother and others who are well educated/etc and they also have the busy body sibling who wants to get him out of the house etc.
Once he's not violent and abusive leave it go and move on. Your parents seem to be bright/educated people and they no what they are doing When it's your own child things are different.

Xterminator

Hi OP

i understand you have seen your addict brother behave badly.

But try to see it from your parents perspective. If they throw him out and make him a homeless addict - how will that affect his chances of seeing next christmas. Should people give up on thiir children, or retain hope they can be saved ?

rightly or wrongly your parents consider this their responsibility, as legally competent adults making that decision in full knowledge of the facts.

So its not your house, and not your child. Respect their decision & try to support them . Help out around the house, do what you can to make their burden a little lighter.

LegacyUser

Hi OP while I agree to a point with other posters that it's their house, their rules, I don't think you should just shut up and wait for him to OD again. Have you spoken to your other siblings about the issue? If your parents are anything like mine then they want him to stay in the house so he can't embarrass them by being on the streets taking drugs. They want things like this kept private. I would consider having your other siblings over and sitting down with your parents and looking at options. If they have the money there are private rehab options. The hardest part will be getting them to make that first call as they will not want anyone else to know their private issues. If that doesn't work then I would leave it OP, you can't force your bother or parents to get help but at least you tired.

Permabear

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Sephiroth_dude

I know exactly how you feel, I've lived with an older sibling who is an alcoholic (he's in a half way house atm) I've been in your position asking them too kick him out after I witnessed him being abusive too my parents time and time again, but they never would as they knew he would probably die on the streets,he's been verbally abusive too me and tried too hit me a few times when I took his vodka off him, I still picked him up off the ground when he was down though and put him into bed, all you can do is just look after yourself and your parents too the best of your ability,maybe get some counselling, hard too be compassionate too someone who is abusive towards you but I did my best ,hope that he see's the light and will ask for help.

rorrissey

I am the youngest in a family of 5. My siblings are all a lot older than I am, the closest in age is 29. Last night he came into the sitting room at midnight, completely out of his mind, with takeaway food he had bought with money he stole from my other brother earlier that day. He freaked out at me for not wanting to eat with him and then he stormed out of the room, fell down the stairs and then puked in the toilet. I told Dad and he said "maybe it's not as bad as you think." I told my brothers and they just laughed and said ah yeah that's how he is. Boys will be boys kind of mentality. I personally don't feel safe with him in the house. If you don't smile and pretend to be his friend he gets angry. He slams doors.

My parents are going away next weekend and I'm terrified. Last time they did he brought his junkie friends over and they spent 3 days drinking, smoking and taking God knows what. I had to lock my dog upstairs when I went to college/work because I was afraid he could accidentally lick some cocaine off the coffee table. Not to mention the fact that I had to hide all of my father's alcohol and any valuables as well. My brothers mentality is that it is his house and he can do whatever he wants to.

Can't image how it's going to be when my parents are older (dad is already retired) and defenseless and he has complete run of the house. He has to go, in my opinion. It's only a matter of time before he dies from this ****.

freshpopcorn

OP, my advice to you so is to move out. It's what you do if your not happy living at home.

cbyrd

What you can do is look after yourself. Move out is the easiest thing mentally and emotionally for you, how practical it is because your in college is another thing.
You have to realise that your brother is also your parents child, just as you are. They don't sound like they want him to become another statistic, either homeless or dead.
It's easy for anyone here to say stay out of it, but while you live in the same house you can't really.
So what are your options? You can try and get your other family members on board and talk with your parents to see if they could get him into a rehab program. I'm not sure how this goes but the first person I would talk to is your GP. Then maybe find an al-anon group.
It's not your problem, as its your brother and your parents. It's very much your problem because it's your brother and your parents.
It's hard to be stuck in the middle. If you wash your hands of the situation and something happens, you'll blame yourself for walking away. If you don't walk away you'll be dragged down with them.
Addiction is so hard because its beyond the person. It's ripple effect is felt by so many. I can understand why your parents are not facing it, it means admitting they have failed him in some way. Even if they didn't. That's the hardest part, admitting there's a problem. Until your brother wants to get better then there's very little anyone can do.
I feel very sorry for you caught up in a situation with very little control. You're entitled to feel safe in your home too.

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retro:electro

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Their house. Their rules.

Stay out of it

I don't think this is very fair at all. It's the op's brother who he said is going to die soon if something doesn't happen- is this really all you can say?

Op I think you need to have an extremely honest conversation with your parents about this. Like sit them down, tv off, look them in the eye no fcuking around type of conversation. Tell them that unless something drastic happens, he will not be here this time next year. Do you have any extended family like an aunt or uncle who can maybe talk to them as well?

This forum sometimes. The sibling of a drug addict posts worrying about his brother who is going to die and posters tell him to butt out. I fcuking despair sometimes.

LynnGrace

cbyrd wrote: »

What you can do is look after yourself. Move out is the easiest thing mentally and emotionally for you, how practical it is because your in college is another thing.

I feel very sorry for you caught up in a situation with very little control. You're entitled to feel safe in your home too.

+1. I feel so sorry for you OP.
Would it be at all possible for you to move out? Is there a family member, maybe, that you could stay with? It must be so difficult for you. Unfortunately this is not something you can solve, so you can only try to protect yourself.

Take care.

freshpopcorn

Another thing you need to remember is that you don't know everything OP about your brothers situation.

LegacyUser

Why should OP have to move out? The brother has already been living there for 10+ years longer than OP, why should he & his addiction continue to be "rewarded" with free B&B?
Why should 1 family member or child take complete priority over the rest of the family, indefinitely/until death?
It's all well& good being supportive& standing by your family- but it hasn't worked,& it's not working.

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chicorytip

Xterminator wrote:

But try to see it from your parents perspective. If they throw him out and make him a homeless addict - how will that affect his chances of seeing next christmas. Should people give up on thiir children, or retain hope they can be saved ?

Xterminator wrote:

rightly or wrongly your parents consider this their responsibility, as legally competent adults making that decision in full knowledge of the facts.

He is thirty-five years of age now so he really needs to grow up very quickly. The parents in this instance - who no doubt love their son and are concerned about his wellbeing - are being indulgent of him which, ultimately, will be to his detriment. He has no job yet can afford to buy large quantities of drugs. How? His family need to give him an ultimatum. Either seek professional help for your problems or leave.

JennyZ

rorrissey wrote: »

What are the options?! Is it possible to get him sectioned?!?!

No that's probably not possible. You need to look at your own options, can you stick this situatuon, and get through college or as you say your parents are well off, could they support you for a year or two living outside the home. You can always speak to counsellors in your college which may help. Wishing you best of luck.

Xterminator

chicorytip wrote: »

His family need to give him an ultimatum. Either seek professional help for your problems or leave.

you do understand the OP is the son living in the parents house?
do you understand you are offering no help for the OP?

He probably agrees with your sentiment, but is not practical.

IMO addicts don't get clean because other people tell them to or force them to. Nor is their a one size fits all solution, EG tough love works for everyone. It doesn't.

but one thing i wouldn't do, is condemn the parents trying desperately to do their best in difficult circumstances. they need help - thus my advice was to support the parents where possible.

chicorytip

Xterminator wrote: »

you do understand the OP is the son living in the parents house?
do you understand you are offering no help for the OP?

He probably agrees with your sentiment, but is not practical.

IMO addicts don't get clean because other people tell them to or force them to. Nor is their a one size fits all solution, EG tough love works for everyone. It doesn't.

but one thing i wouldn't do, is condemn the parents trying desperately to do their best in difficult circumstances. they need help - thus my advice was to support the parents where possible.

Many addicts become homeless and destitute as a result of their addictions so the man in this instance is fortunate to be able to still live comfortably in his parents home. This in itself is a major hinderance toward efforts at rehabilitation. He needs to be removed or face the threat of being removed from this comfort zone.

Big Bag of Chips

chicorytip wrote: »

He needs to be removed or face the threat of being removed from this comfort zone.

Maybe so, but as a mother I can guarantee you, I'd have to hit my own rock bottom before I could seriously consider turning my child out onto the streets to a situation that I know would almost certainly lead to them getting worse/injured/dying. And to make that decision, I don't know how low my rock bottom would have to be. As a sibling you don't necessarily have that same bond, loyalty, love, responsibility whatever that a parent will have. A sibling could possibly turn their back and go the "tough love" route a lot quicker/easier than a parent might.

There's not a lot you can do about your brother. Being 35 is irrelevant to his addiction. It's not like he's suddenly going to come to his senses and decide he's finished. You need to support your parents. Maybe encourage them to go to Al-Anon, or something similar to realise they are not the only ones in this situation. To hear there are other people living with partners, parents, sons, daughters. To hear that no amount of love and support and wishful thinking is going to fix them.

Your brother's problems, and your parents' reaction to them is a lot more complicated than "they should kick him out". If it was that simple, they'd have kicked him out.

leggo

I think people are getting hung up on the OP's thread title without taking into account the post itself, which seems more concerned with the brother and how the parents are enabling him.